Find You in the Dark (25 page)

 
I didn't like that girl anymore.  She was my past. 

 
And Clay, for all of his flaws, was my future.  Whether my family and friends agreed or not.  And honestly, I didn't give a damn.

 
But I couldn't ignore the gigantic elephant in the room.  Clay's arms had healed after I had found him cutting.  I tried not to touch the rough scabs when he held me.  I avoided being reminded of that scary place I had found myself in with Clay by my side. 

 
We never talked about it.  Not once.  There were times when it sat on the tip of my tongue to ask him about the cutting.  To find out more about what triggered him.  I wanted to understand that dark part of him.  Because if I loved him, I had to love every part of who he was.  But I was a wimp.  Instead I refused to address it, choosing instead to bury my head in the proverbial sand like a damned ostrich.  

 
I
had
decided to look up bi-polar disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder on the internet one evening while I waited for Clay to call me.  I didn't know much about mental illness, having never known anyone, before Clay, who suffered like that. 

 
When he threw around words like cycles and mania, I had no idea what he was talking about.  So I sat myself down, intent on solving at least part of the mystery that shrouded my boyfriend.

 
A few clicks later and the words started swimming in front of my eyes.  Manic and depressive episodes.  Heightened mood.  Hypomania. 

 
Okay, having had enough of the bi-polar research, I had moved on to the Borderline thing.  That wasn't any better.  I skipped over statements that read, pattern of instability and intensity within interpersonal relationships, frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.  Inappropriate anger.  Suicidal behaviors.

 
I had closed my browser.  I couldn't handle reading anymore.  It was that ostrich mentality again.  The less I knew, the better.

 
Since then, I staunchly avoided all discussions about Clay's cutting and his mental health.  But even though I wouldn't talk about it, it didn't stop me from thinking about it all the time.  But, Clay wanted normal, so damn it I would give him normal.  And that meant that I refused to dwell on the blackness that threatened to engulf us. 

 
Clay, for his part, was trying to keep things even- keeled.  He took me to the movies, brought me my favorite coffee every morning.  Beautiful drawings and heartfelt poems filled my locker.  He was the picture of the considerate and thoughtful boyfriend.  We became even more fixated on each other.  The physical need to drown our fears in each other was overwhelming. 

 
Our kisses had become almost desperate, our hands less than patient as we sought to erase the nagging doubts that tickled the back of our minds in the hours we spent together.  But nothing could erase the truth that had taken root in my mind.  That this would all blow up in my face in the most agonizing way possible.  I felt like my life was a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode.

 
I started waking up in the middle of the night.  Startled out of sleep by horrible nightmares.  I could never remember all of them.  Only that Clay was leaving me and there was nothing I could do about it.  I was wound as tight as a violin.  Those dark hours before seeing Clay again were the worst. I couldn't sleep for worrying about what he was doing. 

 
I
knew
this was bad for me.  I
knew
that perhaps my parents had been right.  But I needed Clay as much as he needed me.  We existed in this symbiotic relationship where our hearts beat and our lungs breathed only for each other. 

 
Was all first love this intense?  I remember watching Daniel and Kylie as they stumbled through their relationship, sneering at how ridiculous they were.  If only I had realized how hard it was to keep a level head when you were buried deep in these feelings. 

 
I had convinced Rachel to cover for me so we could go away to the cabin.  She was not happy about lying to my parents.  She felt guilt way too intensely and I worried she'd never be able to keep up the charade.  But after days of begging, she finally agreed, even as I knew this was yet another tally in the anti-Clay column.  But I needed to be with him, just the two of us.  An entire night where we could be together.  It sounded like bliss. 

 
As the days got closer to our get away, even my reluctant friends couldn't deny the excitement of getting out of town.  Daniel had asked Clay if he could invite Ray and Clare, and Clay had agreed;  much to my relief.  I hoped the presence of Ray and Clare would help to neutralize the tension that  I knew would otherwise be present.  So everyone planned our crazy night away and I reveled in the new level of comradery that descended over Clay and my friends.

 
Thanksgiving came and went and I enjoyed having a quiet meal with my parents.  I even braved the mall to go shopping on Black Friday.  I allowed my mom to talk me into getting some new clothes.  I got some new pants and shirts, letting myself embrace my girlie side with more feminine gear. 

 
While my mom was busy picking out some new bras and underwear at Victoria's Secret, I took the opportunity to pick out some items for myself.  I had to make sure that my mother didn't see me choosing several lacy pairs of panties and matching push up bras.  Holding up a see-through pair of underwear, I imagined Clay taking them off of me and my blood heated up.  Yep, I was getting these for sure.  I surreptitiously paid for the items and then hid the bright pink bag in my purse.

 
Saturday morning, Rachel came over and helped me pack for our night.  She oohed and ahhed over the new clothes I had gotten, calling dibs on the cute black off the shoulder top my mom had picked out.  It was the first time in weeks where I felt that old ease and normalcy in our relationship.  I was convinced tonight would be just what I needed.  Not only because I would have time with Clay, but I could repair my relationships with my friends. 

  “
You're mom has some serious style, Mags.” Rachel commented, stuffing the black top into my overnight bag.  I found my super snug skinny jeans and put them in the bag as well.  “Yeah, she dresses way better than I do.”  I admitted, rummaging through my underwear drawer and pulling out several pairs of bra and panties that I had chosen yesterday. 

  “
Wow, so you and Clay.  Alone.  All night.  Are you ready for that?”  Rachel asked me, chewing on her bottom lip in a way that indicated she was nervous.  “Shh.” I hissed, closing my bedroom door.  “Sorry.”  Rachel said, lowering her voice.

  “
I don' know, Rach.  I do know that I love him and he loves me.  And whatever happens, happens.”  I said determinedly.  Rachel picked at her nails.  “Well, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.  Don't let a guy make you feel like you should, you know?”  I knew what she was getting at.  It didn't take a rocket science to figure out she was telling me that she worried I would be pressured to have sex.  If she only knew how many times it was Clay who put a halt to things. 

  “
I know that.  I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do.” I assured her.  Rachel nodded, apparently trying to take me at my word.  Why did I get the feeling she didn't believe me?

  “
This is the real deal, Rach.  I love him.”  I told her, sitting down on my bed.  Rachel sat down beside me and put her arm around me and laying her head on my shoulder.  “I know you do, Maggie.  And I'm happy you've found that.”  Rachel sounded genuine and I felt my stomach unclench in relief.   I leaned into her.  “Thanks.” I said and we were quiet a moment.  “What about you and Daniel?  Are you going to play nice this weekend?” I asked, nudging her with my shoulder. 

 
Rachel grunted.  “I'll play nice if he plays nice
.
”  she said tersely.  I gave her arm a pinch.   “I know you're angry with him.  He hurt you.  I understand how hard it is to open that part of yourself to someone.  But Daniel cares about you.  And maybe the timing just wasn't right.  Don't rule it out.  You guys are made for each other.”  Rachel shrugged.  “I don't know. If he can forget about Kylie for more than two minutes, maybe you'd be right.”  I felt bad for her, because she was speaking the truth.  “Besides, even though things are weird with us right now, he's still one of my best friends.  And as much as I fantasize about us being something else, I really don't want to ruin our friendship.”  She said wistfully. 

  “
I know.  But the best relationships are built on friendship first.”  I said, zipping up my bag.  Rachel shrugged again.  “I seriously doubt Daniel sees me as anything but a friend.  Hell, he thought we had penises!”  I laughed, recalling that conversation clearly.  But, I for one, knew that Daniel wasn't entirely unaffected by Rachel.  I had seen his eyes when he saw her in that pink sparkly dress at Fall Formal.  I saw how upset he got when she was mad at him.  He had feelings for her alright.  If he was willing to act on them was the real question. 

  “
I just think life's too short to get hung up on maybes.”  I told her simply.  Rachel rolled her eyes at me.  “Well aren't you philosophical all of a sudden.  Love has turned you into Gandhi.”  I laughed as I hoisted my bulging duffel bag on my shoulder and headed down the stairs. 

 
We were still laughing as we rounded the corner into the kitchen.  My mom was perched on a stool, taping away at her laptop.  “What are you girls laughing about?”  She asked, giving us a smile.  I shook  my head. “Nothing, Mom.”  I said offhandedly.  “Hi Rachel!  Do you girls have lots of fun planned for your evening?”  My mom asked, looking at Rachel.

  
Rachel swallowed thickly and nodded like a puppet.  “Yeah, we're going to see a movie at 8:00.  You know the new Brad Pitt one that's out. He is so hot.  Even if he is a little old.  I mean, who cares when you look like that.  And he and Angelina Jolie make the most perfect couple.”  I elbowed Rachel in the ribs so she would stop her nervous rambling.  Rachel closed her mouth and gave my mom a pained smile.  There was no way my mom was going to buy this!  It was too obvious we were lying!

 
But the teenage gods were smiling on us.  My mom simply gave Rachel an odd look and then nodded her head.  “Okay, then have fun.  Do you have your cell phone, Maggie?”  She asked me.  I pulled it out of my jacket pocket and waved it in front of me.  “Love you.  See you tomorrow.”  She said, returning her focus to whatever was on her laptop screen.  Yes!  Home free!  I tried not to run out of the kitchen in my rush to get out of the house before she changed her mind.

 
Once in Rachel's car and headed down the road, she let out a loud breath.  “Damn, I thought for a second we were so busted.”  “I know.  Especially after your fantastic monologue about the wonders of Brad Pitt.  You are the worst liar!”  Rachel blew her bangs from her forehead.  “Well, maybe you shouldn't have had me do it then.”  She snipped at me.  It was time to lay it on a little thick.  “Thank you, Rachel for everything back there.  You are seriously the best friend a gal could ever, ever have.”  I batted my eyelashes at her.

 
Rachel laughed grudgingly.  “Oh, just shut up, will you?”  She flipped on the radio, ending our conversation. 

 
We arrived at Clay's house ten minutes later.  Daniel, Ray, and Clare were already there.  Ruby and Lisa were talking to them on the front porch.  Clare waved at us as we pulled into the driveway.  We parked and got out of the car.  “Everyone ready?”  I asked, barely able to conceal my excitement.  I moved to Clay's side and gave him a quick squeeze before greeting Ruby and Lisa. 

 
Lisa dangled a key in front of her.  “Here you go guys.  Have fun.  There should be cut firewood up already and there's a small grocery store about five minutes away.  Have fun and be safe.”  Clay took the key and gave Lisa a hug.  “Thanks, Lis.  You're the best.” 

 
We all called out our thank yous as we piled into separate vehicles.  Rachel, Clay, Daniel, and I loaded up into Rachel's car while Ray and Clare followed in his SUV. 

 
I snuggled into Clay's side in the back seat, laying my head on his shoulder.  He kissed the top of my head and laced his fingers through mine.  I sighed in contentment.  This was the most relaxed I had been in weeks.

 
Franklin Lake was only forty-five minutes away.  Close enough that you didn't spend all day driving but far enough that you felt like you were away from it all.  Things in the car were a little awkward at first.  But finally after awhile, everyone started to get comfortable and we were able to engage in conversation that wasn't entirely stilted. 

 
Rachel and Daniel were still tense around each other, but even they made an effort to enjoy themselves.  I could have sworn I even saw Daniel smile at one point.   Clay and Rachel talked about their creative writing class.  Daniel spoke endlessly about the basketball team.  For the first time in weeks, I felt a sort of civility fall over my friends and me and I realized with a pang how much I had missed them.  I hadn't noticed how much I had pushed them away in my pursuit of my relationship with Clay.  When was the last time I had talked to Daniel about something that wasn't in any way related to my rollercoaster love life?  I couldn't remember.  And that was sad.  I was determined to rectify that this evening.