Fated (31 page)

My
hope deflated and I felt idiotic that for one brief moment, I thought Caden had
flown all the way to Chicago to see me. My resolve steeled. He could say whatever
he wanted to on the phone. I didn’t need to see him to hear his excuses.

“I’m
not home right now. Just say whatever it is you need to say on the phone.”

Caden
didn’t answer right away, and when he did, he almost sounded amused. “I just
watched you go into your apartment building.”

I
froze, and then rushed over to the window, even though it faced a courtyard and
I couldn’t see the street. “What are you doing?” I asked angrily. “Stalking me?
How do you know where I live?”

“Macie
brought the invitations to her engagement party to work so that she could go to
the post office during lunch. I rifled through them until I found the one
addressed to you.”

He
said it matter-of-factly, as if there was nothing wrong with snooping through
another person’s things.

“I
think that’s considered an invasion of privacy,” I said acidly.

“You’re
probably right,” he said smoothly. “Now, are you going to let me up?”

The
temptation to see him now that I knew he was so close was too much. I told
myself I was weak, stupid and a masochist, but that didn’t stop my next words.

“Okay,
but only for a few minutes.”

I
was a nervous wreck after I buzzed him through the front door of the building
and waited for him to arrive. I quickly pulled my hair into a tight ponytail,
feeling more in control and less vulnerable without my curls falling down my
back in wild abandon. I also knew how much Caden liked it loose; another reason
to put it up.

My
heart lurched when I opened the door at his knock, staring at him as he filled
the doorway with his larger-than-life presence. He was wearing black dress
pants and a gray button-down, but the civilized clothing did nothing to hide
the masculine strength of his body. I couldn’t help noticing that his face was
strained, his skin sallow, but his amber eyes were burning brightly. He stared
at me hungrily, his eyes skimming my face before running down my body and up
again.

I
stepped back to allow him to enter, trying to pretend like I hadn’t seen his
gaze warming with desire.

“Come
in,” I said in a tone that I hoped was unwelcoming. I didn’t turn to see if he
was following me as I stepped back inside, stopping just short of the living
room. There was no reason to get comfortable since he would be leaving soon. I
turned around to face him.

“You
look tired,” he said in a low voice as he studied me. The concern in his voice
inflamed me. He only cared when it was convenient. When
I
was convenient.

“If
this is your way of buttering me up, you need to work on your skills,” I
replied coldly. “Say whatever it is you came here to say.”

Caden
took a deep breath before speaking. He took a step closer, his expression
imploring. “I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have pushed you away like I did.” His
expression faltered before continuing. “You have to understand that this is all
new to me. My conversations with women don’t usually go beyond the bedroom.”

Despite
the bitter edge that sliced through me at his mention of what he did with other
women, a wild hope flared in me. I could forgive Caden. I could forgive him if he
had come here because he was willing to take a chance on us. But I wasn’t
willing to dive in headfirst without being positive. I had to make sure I
understood his intentions.

“What
exactly are you saying?” I asked cautiously.

“I’m
saying that I want you back in my life. I made things complicated when they
didn’t need to be. I got in my own way when it came to what I want.”

My
lips were trembling and I pressed them together, trying to gain a measure of
control. I wanted to throw myself at Caden, to lose myself in his embrace, but
I was still scared of getting hurt.

“And
what do you want?”

He
stepped towards me eagerly, his hand raised but he stopped just short of
touching me when I took a step back.

“Lauren,
I can make this work. I let my emotions get in the way before, but I can
control myself. We can go back to the way it used to be, before I started
convincing myself that I was becoming obsessed with you. We can have fun
again.”

My
voice shook when I spoke, the hope that had started to bloom inside of me
extinguishing in an instant. “So that’s what you’re looking for? Fun? I tell
you that I love you and that’s your response? You want to have fucking fun?”

I
was losing control, and I backed away even more, the urge to physically shake him
overwhelming me. How could I love someone who thought so little of me? He took
my love and threw it aside like it was meaningless.

Caden
stepped closer, his expression becoming desperate. “You just think you love me.
But we’re two of a kind, Lauren. We’re not like everyone else. We’ve been
damaged by our past, but we can help each other. In the moments when we’re
together, when I’m inside you, I can forget who I am, where I came from…
who
I came
from. I know it’s the same for you. We may not get a happily ever after, but at
least we can grab some damn pleasure in this miserable life.”

I
grabbed the back of a chair next to me, doubling over as if I had been
physically punched in the stomach. A moan escaped me, the pain excruciating as
my love for Caden was crushed in a single instant. He rushed towards me at the
sound.

“Lauren,
are you okay? What’s wrong?”

I
pushed him back blindly, and I heard him stumble. I took in a long shuddering
breath, closing my eyes as I willed myself to gather enough strength to get
through this. When I was finally able to straighten and look at Caden, panic
was etched into every line of his face.

“Are
you in pain? Do you need to go to the hospital?”

I
laughed, the sound ugly and bitter. I shook my head. “Going to the hospital
isn’t going to fix what’s wrong. I was stupid and naïve to think we were meant
for each other.” I tightened my grip on the back of the chair, needing to feel
the hard wood beneath my fingertips, grounding me in reality. “You’re wrong,
Caden. I’m not like you. I’m not planning on spending the rest of my life
miserable, justifying my acceptance of it because of what I’ve gone through. I
may be holding onto my fears of the past, but I’m not fucking damaged. Those
monsters didn’t have the ability to damage me.” My voice was trembling with
rage and pain, and I tried to rein in my control. “I don’t want to forget who I
am. I don’t want to be a fucking martyr to the past. I’m not like you. I’m not
willing to sacrifice myself because I’m a fucking coward, because I’m scared to
take a chance. I’m
nothing
like you.”

Caden
grabbed my hands, his eyes wild, but I pulled them out of his grasp roughly,
scrambling back until my back hit the wall.

“Don’t
touch me,” I hissed. “I don’t ever want your hands on me again.”

“I
didn’t mean it like that!” His voice was frantic, his hands reaching up again
but dropping before he touched me. “Lauren, I didn’t mean that those fucking
assholes had the power to change you. I just…I just…”

He
made a sound of pain and frustration, his jaw clenched so tight that a muscle
was spasming. His eyes closed, his face a study of regret, fear and sorrow.
When he finally opened them, his eyes looked dull and bleak. His voice was
hoarse and strained when he spoke.

“I
need you, Lauren. That’s all I know. All that other shit I said, it’s because
I’m the one that’s fucked up, not you. I need to make myself believe you’re
like me, to justify pulling you into my dysfunctional life.”

“You
need me to help you forget who you are,” I whispered, repeating his earlier words.
“It’s not about me at all. It’s about you, and who you don’t want to be. This
has nothing to do with me. You don’t love me.”

The
last sentence was a statement, not a question. Caden made a sound of anguish,
his fists clenching so hard that they trembled. “Why does love have to be a
part of this?” he bit out. “Why does love matter? Love doesn’t stop horrible
things from happening. It just makes it more painful when they do.”

I
felt hollow inside, all my emotions deadened as I stared at the man who could
never love me. Who didn’t
want
to love me. I couldn’t understand how life could be so cruel.
Fate had given me a man who made me dare to dream of a different life, but he
was convinced he was my nightmare.

“Please
leave,” I said, trying to steady my trembling voice. “This is all pointless. I
don’t want anything to do with you.”

He
clutched my shoulders, his fingers tightening as his eyes burned into me. “You
don’t mean that,” he bit out. “I know you don’t mean that!”

I
stared back at him without flinching. My voice was strong, conviction ringing
with every word. “I mean it. I don’t want you anymore, Caden. You’re not the
person I thought you were. In your eyes, I’m nothing but scars of the past. But
I’m more than that. You would be too, if you just let yourself be.”

He
pressed his lips together, and an infinitesimally small part of me thought my
words had gotten through to him. But then his arms dropped and he stepped back.
His face was grim, his voice icy.

“I
won’t be bothering you again.” He turned and stalked out, slamming the door
behind him so hard the doorframe shuddered.

I
stood there, frozen, as I repeated a mantra in my head, telling myself that I
was okay, that I was strong, that I was better off without him. I had meant the
words I had thrown at him, but now that he was gone, I couldn’t push away the
memories of when he had given me moments of hope. When his eyes had glowed with
tenderness as he looked down at me, his caress gentle as he pushed my hair back
from my face, our hushed conversations late into the night when it felt like no
one else existed in the world except the two of us.

I
collapsed on the floor, wailing sobs escaping me, as I grieved for everything
that we could have been, but would never be.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Life
became a series of days to survive. Getting out of bed in the morning was a
small triumph, and making it through the day without breaking down was an
accomplishment. The days melded together, the only real difference between them
being the weekends when I could spend all day in bed.

Slowly
but surely, I began to crawl out of my shell. For the first time in my life, I
started accepting the invitations from co-workers to grab a drink after work. I
had spent most of my life shying away from social situations, feeling more
comfortable being on my own. But the disaster with Caden had taught me
something valuable–I was more than just a sum of my experiences, and I
had the ability to become an active participant in life instead of just
standing on the sidelines.

I
didn’t hear from Caden again, and after awhile I stopped checking my phone to
make sure I hadn’t missed any calls. I spoke to Macie frequently, but she
rarely mentioned Caden. Most of our phone calls were centered around her
wedding that had been set for next year or her impending engagement party. I
had agreed to fly out a day earlier to meet the other bridesmaids. I had never
been a bridesmaid before, and the things that had to be coordinated were
overwhelming, from showers to bachelorette parties to dresses. Fortunately,
Macie’s childhood friend was her maid of honor and apparently a Type A
personality, because she had already started emailing all the bridesmaids with
the things that had to be done.

I
was relieved when the administrative assistant I was temping for came back from
maternity leave so that I could escape my patronizing boss, and I was even
happier when I was given another temporary assignment at the same company. It
was for another admin going on maternity leave, but this time her boss was a
woman who was both kind and professional. It made going to work every day a lot
more pleasurable, and I finally felt like I was settling back into life in
Chicago.

That
didn’t make my impending return to New York for Macie’s engagement party any less
nerve-wracking. I convinced myself that I could control my emotions now, that I
could treat Caden impassively as if he were nothing but a former employer. I
wasn’t sure if I was fooling myself, but I was going to desperately try to
prove I was right.

When
the weekend of the engagement party finally arrived, I spent most of the flight
to New York trying not to think about Caden, although I was only marginally
successful. I drank in the sights of New York during the cab ride from the
airport to my hotel. Even though I had only lived in New York for a couple of
months, I missed the bustle of the city and the feeling that everything was
more exciting and more meaningful in this place where opportunities seemed
boundless. I had realized my self-worth in this city.

The
first thing I did after I checked in and took the elevator to my room at the
Hilton was to call Macie. It was already late in the afternoon and I was
meeting up with her and the other bridesmaids for a casual dinner.