Authors: Juliet Madison
“Now those who were at our wedding should remember, as I mentioned it in my speech. I proposed to Kelli at a business conference I was speaking at when I was just twenty six. She only accompanied me so she could go shopping while I participated in the seminars, but agreed to sit in on my talk to see me in action. I think she was half asleep by the end of it when I clicked on the final slide of my PowerPoint presentation, which showed a photo of us and the words:
Kelli, will you marry me?
Apparently someone had to tap her on the shoulder and tell her to look at the screen, then she walked up on stage in front of three hundred delegates and said ‘yes’. It was the best moment of my life, well, apart from our wedding and the day our kids were born.” Will smiled and winked at me, and I felt a little gooey inside, and also a little guilty, as I knew Grant would be proposing to me when I got back.
“Okay, speaking of our children, question four: What did Kelli say after giving birth to Diora? a) I’ve had worse constipation than that, b) If you could bottle that pain it would be a fool proof contraceptive, or c) I need a martini?”
Laughter filled the room and even though I didn’t remember saying any of those things, a rush of heat warmed my face and I was sure it now matched my dress and updated e-pad. I dipped my head and decided it was the martini answer, mostly because I could have done with one right at this moment.
This question got everyone talking and some of the women discussed what they had said after giving birth themselves. Elaine remarked that this was when she realised why her mother only had one child.
“Okay, settle down everyone. Ready for the answer?”
“No, I haven’t finished yet,” Marge Simpson said. “Give me a second.”
“Okay …
one
.” He winked at his mother and shrugged when she shot him a
don’t be cheeky with me, young man
look.
“The answer is b) If you could bottle that pain it would be a fool proof contraceptive.” Will grinned.
You’re kidding? Who knew I could come up with something witty like that, huh? It must have hurt real bad, thank God I didn’t really go through it.
“That’s a classic, Kelli,” one of Will’s brother’s said. I couldn’t remember his name.
“Right-i-o, question five: What role did Kelli play in the parents and children’s school production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?”
Oh. Another one I didn’t know. But I bet the answer was Snow White, no, the Evil Queen - yes, I bet that’s right.
“I know that one!” Elaine piqued up, entering her answer into her e-pad screen. “We were backstage buddies.”
“I know that one too,” Diora said.
Will smiled and waited for everyone to enter their answer. “The answer is … Grumpy! Kelli played Grumpy, one of the seven dwarfs.”
No way! How could that be? It wasn’t fair! And I was far from dwarfed.
“I played the Evil Queen,” Diora said, looking the complete opposite in her pink fairy costume.
Yes of course. She would have been perfect at that. Not that she was evil, but she could definitely take control of any given situation.
“I was Sleepy,” Elaine said. “Which I played well because I was actually sleepy at the time.” She laughed.
“Question six, another multiple choice: What affliction did Kelli endure after our family ski trip last year? a) broken ribs, b) gastroenteritis, or c) a broken fingernail?”
Skiing? I’ve never been skiing before in my life. Probably the broken fingernail, it’s so annoying when that happens, especially when you’ve been growing them all to the same length and then you have to go and cut the rest to match the broken one. Or get acrylics and put up with the mask-mouthed nail technician going on about the injustice of health insurance companies not covering manicures, which kind of made sense when you thought about it. Nails were part of the human body after all, why should they be treated any differently to feet, or eyes, or even hair for that matter. Yes, hairdresser fees should be covered by health insurance too.
“They all sound unbearable to me,” Regina said, curling her fingers to examine her own fingernails.
“Time’s up. The answer is a) broken ribs. Poor Kelli bit off a little more than she could chew when she opted for the Daredevil ski challenge. She spent the next several weeks recovering and I tried to keep her from laughing, sneezing, or coughing, which considering she caught Ryan’s cold a week later made for a very difficult situation!”
“Yeah, it was a tough time,” I said, nodding and absorbing the looks of sympathy from my guests.
“Now something a little different … question seven: What did Kelli buy me for my fortieth birthday party?”
“C’mon, no multiple choice for that one?” someone called out.
“No, we’re getting to the tough end of the quiz now.”
“I know this one too!” Elaine busily typed up her answer.
What would I have bought my husband for his birthday? A watch? A subscription to Business Monthly magazine?
“A Man Spa salon pampering package, including a massage and facial!” Will revealed.
Yeah, that.
“I bet you enjoyed it, didn’t you man?” one of his police officer brothers said.
“How else could I look this good?” Will stroked his chin with his thumb and forefinger, then laughed. “If you must know, it was a very relaxing day.” He smiled at me and I smiled back.
“Was it better than sex?” Elaine called out and immediately her hand flew to her mouth. “Oops, I can’t believe I just asked that, sorry! Must be the champagne talking.” Her ghostly pallor brightened a little as some of the guests laughed.
“And lastly, question eight: What is Kelli’s favourite movie?”
I’ve been redeemed. Sex and The City for sure. The first one, not the sequel.
“And the answer is of course, the Oscar winning movie, Destined.”
What?
“We saw it on our first anniversary and as the credits rolled, Kelli turned to me and said, ‘That is the best movie I’ve ever seen’. I asked her last week and she still agrees.”
Never even heard of it.
“Woohoo, I got all of them right!” Elaine stood up and pumped the air with her fist, as did Diora. Well, Diora pumped the air but didn’t stand, her rounded body perched permanently on a pod in the Bliss Garden. Three people I didn’t recognise also ‘woohoo-ed’ and the waiter approached them with the lucky dip bowl. They each reached inside and plucked a mystery gift, but by the looks of it they were all chocolate, each with a unique name.
“I got Chocolate Passion,” Elaine said, lifting her cellophane-wrapped chocolate truffle. “I’ll take any passion I can get.” She pulled off the wrapper and popped the chocolate into her mouth.
“Chocolate Dream for me,” Diora said, while the other three winners got Chocolate Scandal, Chocolate Secret and Chocolate Love.
“Can’t I get a lucky dip too? I only just missed out, seven out of eight,” Ryan said.
“Me too,” Kasey declared. “Close enough?”
“Nope, rules are rules. Congratulations to our five winners and don’t worry, we’ll have chocolates and coffee later, as well as delicious cake.”
Cake. I leaned forward and peered longingly towards the kitchen, the key to my doorway home residing in that cardboard box. Two out of eight, that’s all I got in the Quiz About Kelli. That’s a measly … um …
oh, I don’t know
,
some measly percentage
. I was sure my e-pad had an inbuilt calculator but what was the point? I’d failed miserably in a quiz that was all about me. Elaine, a woman I knew nothing about, knew everything about me. Who was this woman I’d become?
“When the music changes so does the dance”
—
Nigerian proverb
“Oh, look! Kelli’s doing the robot dance,” one of Will’s brothers said as he approached the makeshift dance floor in the living room-Party Hub.
“No I’m not,” I interjected, but on looking down at my stiff torso and rigid arms I realised I
was
dancing more robotically than intended. Not that I’d planned to dance even remotely robotically. Will’s brother—was it Steven?—sidled up next to me and matched my movements, holding his elbows at a ninety-degree angle and moving them up and down. Will joined in too, pulling off a rather brilliant robotic performance and I agreed that I was in fact doing the robot dance.
More guests participated, competing for the impromptu Robot Dancer of the Night award, which Will awarded to Cleopatra, the woman who’d asked me about some business proposal. Turned out she used to be a dance teacher, so no wonder she won, although if the caterers had participated I think they would have been in with a good chance.
After another fifteen minutes in the bathroom wrangling with my support suit, this time armed with Band-Aids to dress the fingernail wounds and body lotion to help the fabric slide more easily, I emerged to find Diora standing for a change, at the microphone.
“Listen up everyone, it’s time for the best part of the evening …”
“The cake?” I asked with a little too obvious enthusiasm.
“No Mum, the presents!”
Bugger. Then again, I did like presents.
“So Mum, if you’d like to take a seat over here.” Diora gestured towards a stool near the present table. “You can begin opening the presents. Dad, you all set to take photos?”
I sat on the stool and Will stood nearby, e-pad at the ready with a little square shaped hologram hovering above it. As I picked up the first present, a small box with gold wrapping and a red bow, Will snapped a photo of me.
Seriously, what would a person in this day and age do without their e-pad?
“That’s from me, Mum.” Diora beamed.
I looked up at my daughter. “But you already bought me the facial earlier today. You didn’t have to get me anything else.” Then again, who was I to refuse? “Thanks, sweetie.” I pulled at the red ribbon.
“Wait, don’t forget to read the card,” she said.
What card? I glanced at the sparkly gift and on the underside was a small barcode stuck to the paper. Oh, right! Hoping like hell it wasn’t just the barcode from the wrapping paper, I subtly held it near my e-pad and with relief a beep sounded.
Do you want to open or save document?
the screen asked.
I pressed ‘open’ and a beautiful birthday card came to life before my eyes. It showed a woman walking through a magical forest, staring at the twinkling stars in the sky. She pointed to one and it glowed, before bursting into a thousand tiny flickering embers of light, leaving behind the words:
May all your wishes come true on your birthday
~
your daughter, Diora
.
I smiled in delight and glanced again at my daughter, her face weary but happy. “I certainly hope they do. Thank you, darling.” I pulled off the ribbon and lifted the gift from its wrapping. When I opened the box a shiny pendant winked at me, its smooth oval shape framing a red jewel in the centre.
“And I didn’t even know you were wearing red tonight, how appropriate!” Diora said.
“It’s perfect.” I lifted the necklace from its case and held it up to the peering crowd. As it spun side to side on its chain, an inscription on the back caught my eye. I squinted and held it at arms-length to read it.
If I am this gem, then you are the precious metal, because without your strength and support I could not shine my light to the world.
~
Diora
.
Oh my God. Was I
crying
? A gentle warmth radiated from within and caressed my body. My eyelids blinked over slippery eyes. “Diora, that’s beautiful. I don’t know what to say.” I stood up and walked to her, my arms encasing her just like the necklace, although not all the way around because there was the issue of the restricted arm movement, compounded by Diora’s large belly.
“Happy birthday, Mum,” she whispered.
Composing myself, I resumed my position on the stool and picked up the next present.
“That’s from me,” Elaine said.
“Another one from you too? Wow, I’m totally spoilt.” I smiled.
Inside a rectangular box was a plastic gift card with Wildfire Women’s Resort on the front. I squinted again at the writing on the back, which told me I was entitled to a two-night stay.
“I’ve got one too, so we can have a girl’s weekend away!” Elaine beamed. “I was thinking sometime next month, but whatever works for you.”
“Thank you, Elaine.” For someone who seemed fairly budget conscious, this plus the facial from today must have been a stretch. A strange and unfamiliar sensation crept its way around my body, peering into nooks and crannies and believe me, I had developed quite a few of those. My heart softened like cotton wool. “I’m humbled by your generosity.”
Her ghostly figure floated towards me and embraced me. “How are you coping with the suit?” she sneaked in before pulling away.
My parents-in-law weaved to the front of the crowd as I picked up their present. I tore away the Victorian floral paper and stared at the package.
Household Helper - Instant Vacuum
.
How could this be a vacuum cleaner, the box wasn’t large enough. “Oh, thanks. I’ve been wanting one of these!” I forced my eyes wide to express excitement at such a gift.
“I thought you might, especially after last Christmas when you complained about your sore back from all the vacuuming,” Marge Simpson said. “This will make things much easier for you.” She turned the box over and pointed to the illustrated instructions. “You just install the devices in a corner of each room, make sure there’s nothing small and valuable on the floor, press the red button, and voila! All dust from up to seven metres away is sucked into the device.”
Now that’s my kind of housework.
“But how does all the dust fit into such a small device?” Elaine asked, her forehead furrowed as she examined the box.
Homer Simpson waddled his ample belly towards the fascinated housewives gathered around the Household Helper. “What happens is, the dust is compressed to half its size and then dispersed into nanoparticles which the device then compresses again, causing a compound effect which reduces the molecular size tenfold.” My father-in-law should have come dressed as Einstein.