On the inside, I’m
screaming. I scream at her to stop. I scream that she doesn’t mean what she’s
saying. I scream and tell her how I feel. I scream and tell her that it wasn’t
a mistake, that I don’t want us to be friends; that I want more... so much
more. None of that ever makes it out of my mouth, though. As I look at her and
see the sadness in her eyes, I realize that
I’ve
done that to her. I’ve
made her feel that way. What I’ve been doing the last couple weeks in trying to
protect her, protect what we have, it’s clear I’ve done the exact opposite.
My eyes focus on the
lake and my hands are sitting in my lap. The last minute or so, I’ve refused to
look over at Carter, knowing that lying to him will be so much easier if I
don’t see his eyes.
“Don’t you miss us
being friends and hanging out?” I ask him, wondering what his face looks like
now, but I’m still not strong enough to look at him.
“Yeah, I really
miss it.”
Again, I’m tempted
to look over to see the expression on his face, but I don’t.
“Me, too,” I
whisper.
As much as my
feelings for Carter go way beyond friendship, I will settle for how we are
right now because having him in my life is so much better than not. There is no
way to know for sure that if we cross that line beyond friendship if it will
work out and, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I can’t lose
him.
“So, friends,
that’s what you want?” he asks me.
“Yeah, it’s what I
want,” I say, feeling as though my whole heart is collapsing inside me.
❧
I’d like to say
that things go back to normal after that day, but they don’t. I’d like to say
that Carter and I are able to become friends again, but we can’t. Ever since
that morning, after he dropped me back off at my apartment, things have been
different between us. Now, more than ever before. I’m not sure what I did so
wrong. Okay, that isn’t true. I know that when I told him I just wanted to be
friends, it was a lie, but I thought with all my heart that it was the right
choice. Turns out, I was wrong about that, too.
The last few times
that Jenna and I have gone over to their place, Carter will make an excuse to
leave or say that he has a lot of studying to do up in his room. It doesn’t
take long for me to realize that he’s trying to avoid me at all costs and,
eventually, I just stop going over there all together. The late night phone calls
and texts also stop. It’s like we’ve never been friends at all... and it is
killing me.
A familiar ache in
my chest returns and I hate myself for asking him to kiss me. I hate that I
even contemplated crossing that line with him. More than I’ve ever wanted
anything before, I want him back... I want our friendship.
The days turn into
weeks and, before I know it, finals are here and I’m distracted with studying,
as well as test taking, which I’m thankful for.
“We’re all done,
only one more semester to go,” Becca says, smiling and pulling me in for a hug
outside the Journalism building. “We survived Dr. Langford’s class, so next
semester should be a breeze.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure
I would’ve made it through his class without you, so thank you.” I hug her back.
“You going home to
New York?” she asks me as we walk out to the parking lot.
“Yeah, I leave
tonight, actually.”
“Me, too. I can’t
wait to live in the world of no studying and sleeping in. It’s going to be so
great. Well, have a good break.”
“You, too. I’ll see
you in about a month,” I say and we part ways.
❧
We pull up to the
departure terminal and Jenna hops out to help me with my bag. I’ve packed two
suitcases, which seem like a lot, but I’m planning on being home for almost
three weeks.
“I’m gonna miss
you.” Jenna frowns, pulling me in for a hug. “What am I going to do without
you?”
“Enjoy Christmas
with your family and spend lots of alone time with Josh.” I say, hoping to
brighten her mood.
I laugh as her
expression falls. “It won’t be the same without you, though,” she whines.
“C’mon we’ve been
away from each other before, Jenna.”
“I know, but not
for this long.”
That is true. The
last few years, I’ve only gone home to New York for the week of Christmas. I’ve
always been back to celebrate New Year’s in Colorado with Jenna, but this year
my mom has talked me into staying in New York a little longer. With how I’ve
been ignoring her over the past few months, it’s hard to say no and, actually,
I’m looking forward to seeing some old friends and spending some time with my
parents.
Chapter Eighteen
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my
heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
~ Judy Garland
HOLLY
Okay, so I was
wrong. Being at home for three weeks isn’t what I thought it was going to be.
Since my brother doesn’t make it home from California, it leaves me receiving
all the attention from my mom and dad. It isn’t that it is horrible being alone
with them, but after a full week with them, I’m beginning to feel suffocated. I’ve
hung out with a few of my old friends, but it’s clear that over the years we
have all changed and grown apart. I find myself really missing Jenna, my life
in Colorado, and most of all... Carter.
It’s only a few
days of being back in New York when I know there is no way I’m going to make it
all the way to New Year’s.
“Are you sure you
have to leave? It feels like we just got you back.” My mom frowns at me.
I pick apart my
bacon and throw it back on the plate. “Yeah, like I told you last night, I’d
like to get back a little early before school starts again. Just to get back
into the routine, you know?” It is a terrible excuse, but she seems to be
buying it.
From the moment I
decide that I’m going home early, I can’t stop thinking about Carter and all
the things I want to say to him when I see him again. There are so many things
we need to talk about, especially what happened to us over the last few weeks.
I’m not sure how many times I pick up the phone to call him, only to feel like
a pathetic loser when I chicken out at the last second.
“Have you started
to look at jobs yet?” my dad asks, folding the newspaper he is reading and
laying it on the table, dissolving my thoughts in the process.
“Yeah, I’ve looked
a little. I’m really trying to focus on spring semester, though. I’ve got a
pretty tough schedule coming up.”
“Well, my offer
still stands you now. Just say the word and I’ll call my friend at The New
Yorker, I’m sure he can get you in for an interview.”
The New Yorker
should be a dream job for most journalism majors, but not me.
“I’ll let you
know,” I say. What my dad doesn’t know is that there is no part of me that
wants to return to New York when I graduate. I’m not sure where I want to go,
but it definitely isn’t back here.
As I’m helping my
mom clear the table, I hear my phone chime.
Jenna:
Do you
ever wonder how you come from the 2 people that created you? Seriously, I’m
really curious sometimes.
Me:
LOL. All the
time! BTW, coming home early... maybe in a couple days.
Jenna:
Really?!
So ur gonna be here 4 NYE??!!
Me:
Yeah, looks
like it.
Jenna:
Perfect!
OMG! This is going to be so great!
Me:
See you
soon.
:)
Two days later, I’m
on a flight back to Colorado. Jenna picks me up from the airport and I can’t
help noticing her strange behavior the entire way home. The first few minutes
we fill each other in on our Christmas’s away at home, but when I try to ask
her what else she has been up to and how Josh is doing, she seemingly doesn’t
want to talk about it.
“Spill it, Jenna,”
I say, throwing my suitcases and purse down on the living room floor.
“What are you
talking about?” she asks. For a minute, her innocent expression almost works,
but I know better. It’s clear that she wants to tell me something, but she
doesn’t know if she should or not.
“Damn, nothing gets
past you, does it?”
“Nope. What is it?”
I ask, crossing my arms over my chest.
“I can’t say. I’m
sworn to secrecy.”
As I stand there, I
roll my eyes and try to read her features. Oh yeah, she’ll be easy to break.
“Who has sworn you
to secrecy?” I ask, deciding to play along with the game I know she wants to
play. She tries to avoid me by going into her room, but I follow her,
determined to find out what she’s hiding.
“Josh,” she says
finally, turning on the lamp on her nightstand. I bite the inside of my cheek,
trying not to smile, knowing that I didn’t even have to persuade her. Oh, this
is going to be
so
easy.
“Stop looking at me
like that.” She laughs. “You’re beginning to creep me out. It’s like you’re
trying to scan my brain or something.”
“We know how this
is gonna end. You may as well just tell me.” I smile.
“
Hello.
What
part about
I’ve been sworn to secrecy
do you not understand?”
“You’re right. I’m
sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you. It’s been a long day, I’m just gonna go
unpack.” Turning around, I head for the door.
“Fine, I’ll tell
you. I wasn’t going to, but I know you’ll just bug me all night if I don’t. ”
I try to hide my
smile before I turn around to face her again.
She sits on the end
of her bed and leans back on her hands. “Carter’s miserable, Holly. Josh said
that he’s been a wreck ever since Thanksgiving. Over Christmas break, he hardly
left his house and barely talked with anyone. We’re starting to get worried
about him.”
My heart squeezes.
“I had no idea,” I say, shaking my head.
“Yeah, I assumed
you didn’t. I’m not sure what’s going on, but maybe you should see if you can
get through to him. I know things have been weird between you two the last few
weeks, but he needs someone, even if it’s just a friend.”
I nod. “Yeah, I’ll
call him.”
“What about going
to see him?” she asks.
“Yeah, maybe I
will,” I say, turning around and heading towards my bedroom, wanting to be
alone after what she just told me.
She sighs loudly
and calls out to me, “Holly.”
Turning around, I
face her again.
“
Now
. I’m
talking about going to see him right now.”
❧
I feel weird for
even asking and it really shouldn’t matter, but it’s been bugging me. “Hey,
Jenna.”
“Yeah,” she says,
applying a second coat of mascara.
“Does Carter know
I’m back in town?”
Her mascara wand
stops mid-stroke and she glances across the mirror at me. “No, I don’t think
so, I didn’t even tell Josh you were back.”
I nod my head as a
river of nerves flow through me. Then panic and fear hit me at once… what if he
doesn’t want to see or talk to me? What if he hasn’t missed me as much as I
missed him?
I’m sitting in the
living room all by myself and feeling like a miserable son of a bitch. Maybe
that’s because I am. I’m a drunk, miserable, son of a bitch.
I‘ve come to the
realization that New Year’s Eve is a dumb holiday to celebrate. In my opinion,
it’s really just an excuse for people to get together and get drunk. We don’t
have a large celebration for every day that the sun rises, when a new week
begins, or when we flip the calendar over each month. So why such a big
celebration for a new year?
I realize that the
alcohol is causing random thoughts to enter my head and I’m quickly reminded of
why I don’t drink too much anymore. Beside all the randomness, it just causes
me to remember all the people that have vanished from my life, bringing all of
the depressing thoughts I’ve been trying to bury back to the surface.
I take another sip
of beer and then glance down at the bottle, remembering the day I first held
one of these in my hands. The day my older brother turned twenty-one, the day
before he was sent off to Afghanistan, the same day he gave me my first beer. I
was only sixteen at the time and I thought it was a pretty cool moment to share
with my older brother… especially the night before he left for war. I’d like to
look back on that night and remember it for the great day it was, but I can’t,
because it was the last time I ever saw him alive. So now, every time I think
about it, I think about how he’s not here anymore.
The day we buried him
in the ground, my dad and I shared a six pack of beer. I remember being nervous
when he met me out on the front porch and handed me a bottle. I thought maybe
he was testing me to see if I would take it.