Authors: Cynthia Freeman
“Again, Mr. Rossi, my thanks, but no, I just had a few well-earned days in Hawaii.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
“Oh, yes … I adored it, especially Maui.”
“I know what you mean.”
“You’ve been there, I take it.”
“Yes, but not in a long time.”
“You sound so sad,” she answered lightly.
“Did I?”
“Just a little, sort of longing, perhaps … you should go, Dominic.”
“You’re right, I should … talk about going, what are you doing for dinner this evening?”
“Nothing.”
“In that case, may I have the pleasure of taking you to dinner?”
“I’d love to, this place is getting to sound like Grand Central Station … wait till I get my coat and say good-bye to L.J.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“Alright, but don’t push too hard through this crowd or you’ll get stampeded.”
They had dinner at Trader Vic’s. The food was marvelous, the conversation stimulating, and Victoria Lang was enchanting. Then just as suddenly, his mood changed when it came time to leave; a peculiar loneliness settled over him. When they stood before Victoria’s door, he wanted to ask for a nightcap but thought better of it. Afterward in his room, he found Victoria had not left him … he could almost feel the touch of her hair … smell the haunting fragrance of her perfume … she was such a totally fascinating woman and indeed she was a woman in every sense of the word. He slept badly that night, barely able to control the impulse to call her even at that hour … but of course he didn’t. The next day, he had difficulty concentrating … Victoria Lang was all he could think of.
No longer able to control the impulse, he finally dialed her number on his private phone. When he was connected, he heard himself saying, “I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed last night.”
“It’s mutual, Mr. Rossi.”
“What about tonight, are you busy?”
“Yes and no.”
“That wouldn’t stand up in court, Miss Lang. I want an unequivocal yes.”
“No, Mr. Rossi, but thank you for asking … another time, perhaps.”
“What do you mean, perhaps … and what do you mean by no … Before, you said yes and no.”
“Well, I wish to rescind the original yes and no…”
“Please, Vicky, I’m really lonely. I’d love you to go to dinner with me … please?”
“Love, Mr. Rossi? That’s a very strong word, just for dinner.”
“Stop teasing me … I’m really at loose ends, will you?”
“Dominic, I really would, if I didn’t have to work on a brief that is very important.”
“Can’t it wait?”
Victoria hesitated, then said, “I don’t know why I feel so sorry for you, Mr. Rossi, but I’ll say yes, although you’re interfering with my discipline.”
“Thank you, Vicky … really. When may I call for you?”
“Let’s see … say, about seven. And Dominic, it will have to be an early evening because tomorrow is going to be frantic.”
“Again, thank you.” Dominic hung up like a schoolboy. Excited at seeing Victoria again, he could scarcely wait for seven … and when seven came, he was at Victoria Lang’s apartment, ringing the bell. When he saw her looking so lovely in her cerise silk frock, he wanted to take her in his arms and hold her against him, but that’s where the feeling remained … only wanting.
He’d never had an affair before. For a moment Catherine crossed his mind. An affair? The thought startled him, making him feel uncomfortable.
“Dominic, would you be a dear and help yourself to the bar—the ice is in the bucket—while I get the hors d’oeuvres out of the oven,” she said, going to the kitchen. Then she called out, “I’ll have scotch and soda.”
Dominic poured the drinks and soon Victoria was back, placing the silver plate on the coffee table, in front of the velvet sofa. Dominic handed Victoria her drink and settled back observing the room. It looked just like its mistress. In the most exquisite taste … simple and elegant. The view was much the same as the one he admired last evening.
“It’s so lovely … the apartment, I mean.”
“Thank you, Dominic, it’s been such fun doing it.”
“You have so many talents.”
“Now, you are flattering me.”
“No, it’s far from flattery, it’s true. There’s a tranquility and a quietness about this room that makes one forget there are any problems in the world … that’s rare, Victoria.”
She peered over the rim of the glass as she took a sip. There was something so gentle, so lonely, so poignantly sad in his face. Trying to keep the traces of what she felt within herself, casually she said, picking up the tray of hors d’oeuvres, “Dominic, have one of these while they’re still hot.”
“They are delicious … you’re even an excellent cook.”
Laughing, she said, “I’m afraid not … these are frozen … Why? Are you that fond of home cooking?”
“I suppose … remember, I have an Italian mother.”
“Well … I have a Jewish mother. I imagine that explains why I love chicken soup.”
They both laughed and the laughter seemed so good, especially for Dominic. “Here, let me refresh your drink,” Victoria said, taking the glass from Dominic. As she stood at the large brass bar cart, she asked suddenly, “Dominic, how would you like to have dinner here?”
“Are you sure … no, I wouldn’t hear of it. It’s too much trouble.”
“No, it isn’t, not really … remember my Jewish mother? I have a freezer full of goodies.”
Dominic smiled, “That would be nice. You’re sure now?”
“I’m sure … turn on the stereo and amuse yourself while I go back to the kitchen and start thawing out.”
After dinner they sat on the sofa drinking their black coffee. Dominic said, “This has been a great evening.”
“That makes me very happy.”
He looked at her.
“Dominic … it’s very strange, I’ve known you, how long?”
“Since you went into L.J.’s office. How long ago was that?”
“About ten years … that’s a long time, isn’t it?”
“I can’t believe it … you’ve hardly changed.”
“Of course, I’ve changed, we’ve all changed … but what I started to say was that people don’t really know each other, do they? I never really knew you, the image you project, especially in court, because I’ve seen you in action. You’re truly brilliant, decisive and articulate. We’ve seen each other at social gatherings and you’re so witty and gregarious, but tonight I find a man so humble, lonely … you are lonely.”
“Yes…”
“Why?”
He hesitated. “People can be very lonely together.” He was shocked at himself, revealing his private life to someone he’d known for years but only under the most impersonal and professional circumstances.
“How well I know. I went through that once, but then I suppose it’s different when one has children.”
“Very … one can love one’s children a great deal, but unless you’re happy you can feel so obligated that you no longer know where the man begins or ends.”
“You do love your children, though?”
“Of course … I was only making an observation.”
There was a long pause. “Dominic, let me fix you another drink.”
“No, thank you … please, just sit here, Vicky. I haven’t spoken this way to anyone … I don’t really believe I ever did … and you know something else?”
“What, Dominic?”
“I’ve never really known you. You’re a lovely woman. You’re more than just beautiful, you’re a whole person. I’ve always noticed you, but never the way I have the past two days … Victoria …” he hesitated, and almost painfully the words tumbled out, “… I love you … and I have no right, no right at all to say that.”
It was a night of discovery for both of them.
“Oh, Dominic, you have a right—”
“I should go while I still can, but I want to stay, not because my wife is away, but because I …”
“Oh, Dominic, you’re so dear, how easy it would be to love you.”
He took her in his arms and held her tight. The feeling was impossible to sustain. He kissed her passionately … hungrily … lingeringly, then carried her into the bedroom and there they made love as though it had never happened before, for either of them … ever.
Dominic’s life had taken on a new dimension, and although the fire that had ignited his desire for Victoria that first night remained as intense, in fact, it became more urgent with each passing day, he found in her more than just the need for release. It was her quiet serenity, her willingness to listen … no demands were made, no strings attached, no barters, and as a result he found himself falling more and more deeply in love with her. After the excitement and passion of the moment had spent itself, she would lie quietly in his arms. Words were unnecessary for either of them. It was as though they were one with one single thought. For Dominic, it was wonderful to be loved, loved in a way that brought a sanity into his life.
The weeks that followed brought with them a renewal of spirit that had been smothered, buried deep within his consciousness for so long. It awakened within him a kind of hope which up to now he had not only lost, but had accepted as part and parcel of his marriage. Now in Catherine’s absence, he tried to obliterate her from his mind and pretend that life with Victoria would go on forever, and for the three months she was away, he almost succeeded. The times he found difficult to live with himself were when his thoughts drifted to the children, and in those moments he felt enormous guilt that what he was doing was so absolutely wrong, but when Victoria lay in his arms, the feelings were dispelled, convincing himself that he was entitled to this small part of heaven, a thing he’d been deprived of in his life up until now. When Catherine called and said she was coming home, he felt desolate. This could mean the end of his life with Victoria. How could he possibly give her up now. It would have been different if this had only been an
affaire d’amour,
but he loved her so deeply that the thought of never seeing her, holding her in his arms, awaking in the small hours at dawn and looking at her, sleeping so contentedly … just the sight of her sent joy coursing through his heart and his body. The breakfasts, the dinners she prepared, the quiet evenings, the intimacies of living together these last few months had meant so much to him that they had become a part of his sustenance, his life.
That day, he found it impossible to work, to concentrate, to find a place within himself to hide from the torment that this evening he would be compelled to tell Victoria. But how … what could he say, and the answers to which there were none left in its wake a feeling of complete devastation. No longer able to function at the office, he left at four, going to Victoria’s apartment where he let himself in with the latchkey she had given him. He poured himself a large bourbon, dropped a few cubes of ice into the glass and listened to the sounds of their clinking. Turning on the stereo, he seated himself on the sofa and listened to the haunting strains of “Clair de Lune,” just as he listened to the sounds of his own thinking. The music only served to heighten the thoughts so poignantly running through his mind that this could be the last time he might be here … here, in this place that had brought him the only happiness, the only comfort … the only solace he’d known and now he would have to return to oblivion, living with a wife he no longer loved. My God … he took a long swallow and laid his head back against the soft velvet cushions and stared up at the ceiling. He did not hear Victoria enter. Soon she was standing before him. “Dominic?” she whispered. He looked at her without saying anything. “Dominic, you’re upset about something, darling. What is it?”
He just sat, looking at her, unable to rally enough courage. But somehow, instinctively, she knew, “It’s her, isn’t it?”
He didn’t answer, there was no need to.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He hesitated for one moment longer, then said, “She’s coming home.”
Victoria got up and poured some scotch into a glass, then came back and sat once again near Dominic. “Well, darling … without ever speaking of it, we knew this was inevitable, didn’t we?”
“Yes … although foolishly I didn’t know how painful it would be. How can I go back to living with her after what we’ve been to each other? After the things we’ve shared together, loving you as I do, can I pretend you don’t exist? You must know how my life will be without you.”
“Yes … but is that how you want it to be?”
“How can you ask me that … How?”
“Because you said, without me.”
He took a swallow, stood up, paced the floor, turned and faced Victoria. “You’ve become my life, but what can I offer you … nothing but loneliness.”
“I have no world without you, Dominic. But if you have to walk away, I’ll understand.”
He sat down and drew her close to him, holding her tight. Stroking her hair, he said, “You’re the only woman I want … or ever will. But, darling, I’d be asking you to sacrifice yourself for me.”
“Sacrifice! What else do I want in my life? Darling, listen to me … I’m a big girl and I went into this with my eyes wide open. That’s the risk a woman accepts when she falls in love with a married man.” She took a sip of her drink. “Look, Dominic, if you can possibly live with yourself without feeling you’re doing something terribly wicked, then you don’t have to live without me. On the other hand, there are no strings attached. I have no claim on you and if you walk out that door, I’ll know it’s not because you love me less, but because you feel in your heart you had no other choice.”
He took her face between his hands. “What makes you what you are?”
“Oh, Dominic, all of us are what we are, I just happen to love you enough to want you to be happy.”
“But what about you?”
“Memories are wonderful things, too, Dominic … and what we had briefly together will be the sweetest thing that ever happened to me. Nothing is forever and sometimes people get caught up in circumstances and situations they have no control over. We didn’t plan to fall in love … It just happened. I have no regrets. I’d do it over again.”
“You know what it will mean if we go on like this?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure, absolutely sure … because I won’t be as free as I’ve been. There will be times, no matter how much I want to be with you, I won’t be able to, and what will happen to you, what kind of a life will that be, waiting for a man to telephone? Having an hour or two whenever, it’s possible … is that enough?”