Even Angels Fall (49 page)

When Tuesday finally arrives the weather is dull and overcast, yet every so often there is a slight break in the cloud and the sun shines through, brightening up the day. It doesn't reflect Abbey's mood at all and she hopes that the clouds don't clear completely, as it hardly seems right to have an afternoon of beautiful weather accompanying such a sombre occasion.

She sits, perched on the edge of the bed wearing a black shirt, a black pencil skirt and her nude heels. She has a matching jacket slung over her arm and her amber pendant - which is now even more precious to her than before - is hanging daintily around her neck. Alex is standing in front of the mirror in the en suite and he skilfully fastens his cufflinks before quickly adjusting his light grey tie. He too is wearing all black and against his dark, brown hair and few days' worth of stubble, his bright, piercing blue eyes stand out even more. He looks a lot paler than usual too and Abbey can see the cracks beginning to show in his resolve. He always keeps everything bottled up and manages to hold it together despite his true emotions raging beneath the surface. He always has to be the strong one, never breaking down, but he doesn't fool her.

“I still can't believe this is real…” Abbey whispers, “How could we let this happen…?”

“Nobody
let
this happen, Abbey…” Alex answers without taking his eyes from the mirror as he struggles to get his tie perfectly straight, “Lucy made a mistake, there's nothing we could have done to prevent that…”

“Yes there is…” Abbey gasps, but Alex doesn't respond. He twists and tugs at his tie again several times until he loses his temper and pulls it clean off, tossing it to one side as he leans against the sink.

“What do you want me to say to you?” He sighs deeply.

“I want you to admit that things aren't alright. Of course we could have prevented this; we could have done
everything
different. It wasn't an accident Alex… accidents are something you have no control over, this was a choice…”

“A choice that Lucy made for herself…”

“Exactly…” Abbey despairs, rising to her feet and standing in the door way of the bathroom, “She knew it was a risk. She knew it was dangerous, but she did it anyway. You all go on and on about how it's OK as long as you know you're limits but it's bullshit, Alex… she was the smartest out of all of us and she still lost control…”

“And you tried to help her. You spoke to her, repeatedly, we all did, but you can't force someone into thinking differently Abbey, it doesn't work like that. It doesn't matter how many times we tried to tell her otherwise, Lucy was always going to do whatever the fuck Lucy wanted to do…”

“And that is what scares me…” She confesses, meekly.

Alex frowns with frustration as he picks up his tie, flinging it around his neck and fastening it angrily. This time he doesn't stop to perfect it. Instead he strides across the bedroom and over to the wardrobe, taking out his suit jacket and shrugging it on abruptly.

“I can't actually believe how self-righteous you're being right now…” He snaps, fixing his collar, “Taking drugs is perfectly fine when it fucking suits you, isn't it? When you needed a distraction you didn't question anything, in fact you were more than happy to get as trashed as the rest of us! You've spent the last god knows how long doing more drugs than most and now you want to preach about how wrong and immoral it is?!”

“Because it isn't the same anymore, Alex…” Abbey shouts, completely confounded, “It isn't about getting high and having fun… Lucy is dead and Tom is rotting in prison because of the life we lead, does that not register with you?!” They stand across the room from one another staring in a stony silence and Alex rubs his face, before stepping forward and holding out his hands in placation.

“Look… it should never have happened. And I wish more than anything that we could have helped her, you know I do. But Lucy took drugs because she wanted to… we take drugs because we want to. And yeah there's a certain amount of danger involved, of course there is but we know that and she knew that too. She knew the score Abbey, it was her decision, her choice… no one else's…”

“And that makes it better does it?” Abbey blinks, fighting back tears. Alex is upset too, but he is trying his hardest to keep it all in and remain detached. He can't ever fall apart… not in front of the group. It would make him far too vulnerable and he needs to keep focused in order to get himself and the others through the coming afternoon. He hates fighting with Abbey - more than anything - and even though he knows how angry and confused she is, he just can't deal with it right now. He needs to bring this argument to an end.

“People take risks every day…” He states, resolutely, “The fear of that should never stop you from living the way you want to live…”

“My god…” Abbey gasps again, shaking her head despairingly, “You know that is almost exactly what Lucy said to me when she sold me this life…” There is another, long, drawn out moment as Abbey's words hang in the air, but before either of them can speak again there is a knock on the door and Gemma peers round.

“Sorry to interrupt guys, but we're ready to go…”

“We'll be right there…” Alex answers without breaking away from Abbey's despondent gaze and Gemma nods, smiling a bleak, fleeting smile as she quickly escapes the awkwardness.

“Listen…” Alex sighs, taking another step forward and reaching for Abbey but to his surprise, she pulls away.

“You can stand there and make all the promises you want…” She states, solemnly, “But it won't bring Lucy back. Jesus, Alex… who's next?” And with that she turns away, grabbing her bag and her jacket from the bed in one swift movement before marching out of the room without so much as another glance in his direction.

Not sticking to the promises he made in Ireland is one thing but being in complete denial about how tragic everything has become is something else entirely. It's as if he doesn't want to admit that Lucy is gone which is understandable, but his ‘these things happen' attitude is beyond belief. He is obviously putting his barriers up and seriously bottling his grief and that never, ever ends well with Alex.

The funeral is even more heart-breaking and far more difficult than any of them could ever have predicted. The turnout is huge, with mourners practically spilling out of the doors of the church. It is a testament to how popular and loved Lucy was and it makes it even more tragic to think that she will be missed by so many.

Beautiful white orchids adorn the coffin and the poignant order of service contains numerous photographs of Lucy with the important people in her life. Abbey tenderly traces her finger over a picture of the two of them, hugging and smiling in front of the camera, both completely oblivious that the photo is even being taken. They look so happy - and as the vicar speaks of her infectious character and her lust for life, a gut wrenching sadness consumes Abbey once more. The last time she was sat at a funeral, she was saying goodbye to her twin brother, the one person in the world who understood her better than anyone. It feels as though she is repeating the experience over, and for the second time in her life she finds herself struggling with an almost unbearable sense of loss.

After the thirty minute service concludes to Credence Clearwater Revival's ‘Who'll Stop the Rain?' Lucy's body is interred in the adjoining cemetery, in a beautiful plot beneath a blossom tree. Despite almost two weeks of grieving while trying to adjust and cope with her death, it is without doubt the harrowing moment when reality truly hits home. As the vicar recites the committal prayer and the coffin is lowered, it is all so incredibly final. She is gone… and they are never going to see her again.

One by one, the mourners tearfully lay their flowers and pay their respects, until Abbey, Alex, Darren, Sophie, Gemma, Liam and Nathan are the only ones left at the graveside. None of them move - almost as if they can't physically bring themselves to leave - knowing that when they do, it will all be over and they will have to let her go.

Without saying a word, Nathan steps forward, gently throwing a single white rose onto the coffin before dropping to his knees. His face is crumpled in agony and his shoulders slump forward in utter despair as if he has absolutely nothing left inside him. No joy, no hope, and no purpose. There isn't anything any of them can do other than stand quietly at his side, lost in their own grief as they wait for him to say his devastating goodbye.

Once Nathan's thick, heavy sobs have stilled slightly and his pain has almost exhausted him, he walks arm in arm with Darren back towards the car and Sophie and Gemma follow behind. Liam takes a deep, steadying breath as he stands for a moment longer, staring down at the coffin with heart-wrenching disbelief. He looks as though he is about to say something, but doesn't. Instead he takes a step back and looks up at a patch of blue in the sky above, smirking as he raises his hand in a loving salute.

Abbey clings tightly to the amber pendant around her neck, placing it against her lips and kissing it softly as she begins to back away beside Liam. It is only then that she properly acknowledges Alex for the first time since leaving the church. The damn has burst. The cracks have opened and tears fall freely down his face as he stands at the foot of the grave with his hands held respectfully in front of him. He is still battling his emotions, but he can't contain them anymore. He can't hold it in. He finally has to admit that Lucy has really gone. Abbey places her hand gently on his shoulder and he exhales sharply, rubbing his fingers in his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. He shakes his head with a sorrowful resignation and as he grasps Abbey's hand he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a slightly dog-eared picture of the group. They are all smiling at the camera, ready for a night out, young, happy and completely carefree. Lucy is in the centre of the shot next to Alex and he has his arm draped affectionately over her shoulder.

He releases his grip and they watch as the photo flutters down into the grave, landing face up amongst the bed of scattered roses.

“I'll see you later, kid…” He smiles, sadly, “Take the party up there, show ‘em how it's done…” And after one final, reflective pause, they turn and follow the others back to the car and onto ‘The Locke' for the wake.

After her fifth double vodka and coke Abbey loses count of how much she has had. She wants to drink herself into a stupor so that her memory becomes blank and she can block out the world around her, but it doesn't seem to be working. Instead it drags her down further into the depths of her pain and she can't seem to claw her way back out.

The many friends that have joined them at the pub for a drink in Lucy's honour seem in relatively high spirits for a wake. There are tears, but there is also laughter, and a lot of reminiscing about the good times and the fond memories they shared. Perhaps it is exactly how it should be at a funeral? Remembering the happier days and being thankful that you had someone so special in your life, even it was for far too short a time. But Abbey, Alex, Gemma, Sophie and Darren have distanced themselves from the rest of the congregation and have absolutely no desire to join in. None of them feel like talking, choosing instead to sit alone and drink continuously in a feeble attempt to numb the pain. Nathan had barely lasted half an hour before it all got too much for him and Liam had to take him home, and judging by the state he was in when he left, Liam will most likely be staying with him for the rest of the night as well.

They are all scared for Nathan, but it is incredibly hard to take care of someone else while you're battling with your own pain. Abbey understands that now and for the first time ever she truly appreciates how difficult it must have been for her mum and her brother. She hated them for not reaching out to her enough after Ryan died. They didn't try to help her or take the time to understand what she was going through but they couldn't, because they were too busy struggling with their own grief and trying to find their own way through the hurt. It wasn't easy for any of them.

As the pub begins to close up and Sophie and Gemma carry an almost comatose Darren to a waiting taxi, Abbey and Alex head back to the flat alone. Still reeling from their heated exchange earlier, the atmosphere between them is slightly awkward as they walk quietly side by side. Abbey hasn't been this drunk in a long time but she has no intention of stopping for the night. She had felt irrationally jealous of Darren as he sat slumped in the passenger seat of that car, teetering on the brink of unconsciousness. She wishes she could close her eyes and switch off her thoughts as well, but ever since Lucy's death she seems to have inherited Alex's sleep deficiency. Too many harrowing memories keep racing through her mind and she just wants them all to stop. That is why she plans to follow Darren's example and is determined to carry on drinking until her brain completely shuts down.

They arrive back home to a dark, empty flat and Alex retreats into the bedroom almost immediately, which Abbey is grateful for. She wants to be on her own to cry and sob and let herself feel without anyone holding her back. There is a fresh bottle of vodka in the fridge but no mixers. Usually that would bother her but tonight she is on a mission to get blind drunk and pouring it straight will no doubt enable her to achieve that goal a lot faster.

As Abbey relentlessly downs numerous shots - only stopping for another line of coke or to drop another pill - she can gradually feel herself slipping. She honestly doesn't know where the hell she can go from here. Things can't get any worse and she feels utterly trapped. Her family fell apart and now her friends are suffering too, and once again she feels as though she is completely on her own. She is drifting, with no direction and no hope, and the two people she wants to talk to more than anything in the world are lost to her forever. ‘How did it ever get to be like this?'