Dreams (13 page)

“No,” he started to say.

“Yes. If you’re not there, I’ll come and drag you out of bed. You’re going to join-up with Minstrel. He needs it—and so do you.”

Joe looked as if he would argue, but at the sight of her determined face he gave in. “OK, OK, anything to keep the peace,” he said, spreading his hands. “I’ll join-up with him.”

“Brilliant!” Ellie beamed.

Joe sighed.

The next morning, at 6 a.m., Ellie met Joe by Minstrel’s stall. Minstrel was a three-year-old dark bay thoroughbred that Len hoped to eventually show in the hack classes. Beautiful but highly strung, he was very different from easy-going Solo. As Joe led him down to the ring, with Ellie carrying the saddle, Minstrel peered around, jumping as he saw ghosts in every clump of grass.

“Minstrel!” Joe exclaimed in irritation as the horse shied and knocked into him. He pulled the leadrope hard. “Stop it!”

Ellie felt a flicker of worry. Joe was usually so patient with horses. She could tell he didn’t want to be here. Was she doing the right thing in making him try this?
Yes.
She clung to the instinct that had made her get Joe out with a young horse again.

When they reached the ring Joe took off Minstrel’s headcollar and set him free. Minstrel shied away, sending sand over Joe, and cantered to the far fence. Stopping at the last moment, he tossed his head, wheeled around and raced away.

Joe sighed and then, bracing his shoulders, began walking into the center.

“Good luck,” Ellie called.

Joe didn’t look around or reply.

I’m doing the right thing
, she told herself. But she couldn’t help feeling uneasy.

Minstrel swerved around Joe and stopped dead at the fence again. Joe walked towards him, lifting his arms to send the horse on around the outside of the ring. Minstrel bucked, his back legs kicking out. Ellie saw Joe take a step back, his eyes widening, almost as if he had suddenly realized where he was. Minstrel plunged one way, cantered a few paces, then swung around and galloped straight at Joe.

“Whoa!” Joe jumped back in surprise as Minstrel thundered past, kicking his legs up with a squeal.

Suddenly Joe had no choice but to concentrate on the horse. Before Ellie’s eyes, the reluctance dropped away from him, an intent expression on his face, as he focused on the bay gelding. “Go on!” he urged, heading after him.

Minstrel made to stop at the fence again, but Joe growled and ran at him, lifting his arms to encourage the horse on. He had to get Minstrel moving around the outside of the ring, not simply going wherever he wanted. With a toss of his head, Minstrel set off at a canter. Joe instinctively positioned himself so that he was level with the horse’s hindquarters, sending him on by staying square to the horse, lifting his arms and keeping his eyes locked on to the horse’s eyes. Ellie could see that all thoughts of Merlin and his dad had faded away; the only thing on his mind now was how best to work with the horse.

He had to keep Minstrel cantering until the horse showed signs that he wanted come in and be close to him instead of staying away. The skill with join-up was to watch for those signs and respond immediately, letting the horse know that when he wanted to be friends the human in the middle was ready and waiting.

Minstrel tried to stop and swing around again, but Joe was there at his hindquarters, urging him on, making him do what Joe wanted. Minstrel cantered on until Joe blocked his movement by changing his position so he was walking towards the horse’s head. Then Minstrel stopped and turned. Ellie saw Joe give a small nod and smile; it was what he had wanted. He was encouraging the horse to listen to him, to react to his body language.

Ellie gradually let out the breath she’d been holding. Joe was working with the horse, really working with him. Minstrel wasn’t easy at all. Joe had to concentrate for every second, but eventually the bay gelding’s wild canter slowed to a steady pace and then, as Joe eased off the pressure slightly by moving further away, dropped to a trot.

Joe asked the horse to change direction several times, and little by little the horse began to show signs he’d had enough of moving around, that he wanted to come in and be friends with Joe. First his head started to lower and then his inside ear seemed to fix on Joe. His head dropped lower still until his muzzle was almost on the floor and he started to lick and chew.

“Now!” Ellie breathed.

Joe acted at the same moment. Turning away and dropping eye contact, he made his body language non-aggressive. Ellie could see that although he wasn’t looking directly at the horse, he was keeping an eye on him. Minstrel slowed to a stop and looked at Joe. Ellie waited for him to come in and join-up, but with a toss of his head Minstrel started walking towards the gate. But Joe wasn’t fazed and responded instantly. Turning around, he moved quickly towards the horse, raising his arms. Minstrel set off at a canter again, his eyes surprised.

It only took a couple of circuits before he was slowing down again to a trot and then asking to be friends. This time, when Joe turned away, Minstrel barely hesitated. He slowed to a walk and turned in, coming straight to Joe and halting by his shoulder.

Ellie saw the smile spread across Joe’s face as he began to stroke the horse and rub his neck. She saw that he was speaking to him, smiling, totally caught up in what he was doing.

Relief flowed through her. He’d done it. He’d joined-up with Minstrel. She was sure it would help him. She knew how losing herself in talking to Spirit had been like a break from real life, an escape that wasn’t possible any other way, not even in sleep. As Joe walked around the ring with Minstrel following him, she could see he wasn’t thinking about anything else, just the horse and how best to work with him. He stopped, rubbed the horse’s neck and sent him out again. Within a few circuits Minstrel was asking to join-up. This time, when they met in the middle, Joe walked over to the gate.

“Can I have the headcollar and saddle?”

Ellie nodded and climbed over the gate with it.

Joe slipped on Minstrel’s headcollar and then saddled him up, as gently and carefully as the first time he’d tried this with Solo. Minstrel turned his head and tried to nibble the saddle flaps, but he didn’t look afraid. Joe fastened the girth loosely and then led him around. They returned to the gate with Minstrel walking quietly beside Joe.

“You did it!” Ellie said.

Joe nodded slowly and, for the first time since Merlin had died, Ellie saw a light in his eyes. “I didn’t think I was going to. He was harder than Solo.”

“But you did it,” Ellie told him.

“Yeah.” Joe looked at her. “Thanks for making me.”

She smiled. “Any time.”

For a moment she thought he was about to say something else, but he just patted Minstrel’s neck and took the saddle off again. “Let’s take him in.”

They led Minstrel up to his stall in an easy silence. Joe took his headcollar off and they stood in the stall together, watching as Minstrel had a drink. “Will you do some more with him tomorrow?” Ellie asked.

Joe nodded. “You were right. I should have been working with the horses. It helps.” He looked at her. “You know that, though, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she admitted.

He reached impulsively for her hand. “Thank you. For everything. I don’t how I’d have got through the last week without you. You’ve been brilliant.”

Ellie didn’t know what to say. She blushed.

His fingers tightened on hers and their eyes met.

Suddenly she couldn’t help herself. She was swept away by the closeness of the moment and by everything she wanted—everything she was sure he wanted too. “Joe,” she whispered. “Nothing else matters apart from us. Please, can’t you see that?”

He hesitated and then he pulled her into his arms.

Ellie’s breath caught in her throat. This was it! The moment she’d been waiting for.

But as his lips moved down to meet hers, she looked into his eyes and felt as if she’d just been thumped in the stomach. She instantly pulled away.

“What?” Joe said in surprise.

Her eyes searched his. She saw his confusion but beyond that something else—worry, anxiety. She swallowed. “Why were you about to kiss me just then?”

“Why?” Joe’s frown deepened. “Because you wanted me to.”

His words crashed into her. “Because
I
wanted you to,” she echoed.

“You do, don’t you?” he went on, still frowning. “I thought this was what you wanted.”

Biting her lip, she took a breath. “Do you want this too?”

He stared at her, taken aback. “What? Of course I do!”

She desperately wanted to believe him but her senses were on red alert. “Really?”

He hesitated.

“Joe!”

“I do want to…” His voice trailed off.

She said the word for him. “
But…
”

“But…but I can’t stop thinking about everything else.” He looked completely torn. “I can’t just ignore everything else the way you can, Ellie. I wish I could be like you—as certain as you. I really do. Part of me wants to be so much more than just friends. But I just can’t…”

Ellie nodded slowly.

“Oh, Ellie,” he groaned, seeing her face. “I’m sorry. Look, I can forget everything else. I’ll try…” He reached for her hands again.

“No! We can’t do this unless you really want to. It has to make you happy too. Properly happy.”

She waited, desperate for him to tell her it would, but he didn’t. And in the silence, she faced the truth. Although she’d dreamed about this, wanted it so much, it couldn’t happen.

“Ellie?” he said hesitantly.

She drew in a deep breath, suddenly knowing what she had to do. “You know,” she said, swallowing, “I think this a bad idea.”

He looked surprised. “Really?”

“Yeah.” She nodded and met his gaze. It was one of the hardest things she’d ever done. “You’re right, Joe. There are way too many problems. It would be just too difficult.”

The relief that flashed across his face stabbed her like a javelin.

“Are you sure about this? Because maybe we can try…”

“No,” she interrupted quickly. “No trying. Let’s just be friends.”

He squeezed her hands. “The best of friends, Els. Always closer than close.”

She forced a smile, and turned before he could see how upset she was. “I’ll just see Spirit before morning feeds,” she managed to say.

He nodded. “I’ll put the tack away.”

As Ellie turned towards Spirit’s stable she broke into a run. Spirit was waiting, looking over his stable door, as if he had sensed she was coming. He whinnied when he saw her.

Ellie fumbled with his door. Getting into the stable, she flung her arms around his neck. All the dreams she’d had about her and Joe crumbled.
It’s not going to happen
, she thought.
Not any of it. Not ever.
She pictured his smiling greeny-gray eyes and her heart twisted violently. Joe would never be anything more than a friend. She began to cry.

Spirit breathed softly on her face.

I’m here
, he seemed to say.
Everything will be all right.

Gradually, the storm passed and the tears began to dry on Ellie’s face. She felt strangely empty, as if there had once been a landscape of possibilities inside her but now it had been razed to the ground, leaving just dust.

She wanted to hide away but knew she had to be strong. Joe’s words echoed in her head:
We’ll be the best of friends.
She knew he needed a best friend right then—he was still grieving for Merlin, still desperately unhappy. However much she was hurting, she couldn’t make him feel worse.

She drew in a deep breath and promised herself that she would still be there for him. No matter what. Spirit nuzzled her. Stroking his neck, she blinked back the fresh tears that prickled in her eyes.

ELLIE KEPT HER PROMISE
. It was hard, but she hid her unhappiness and acted as normally as she could around Joe. It both helped and hurt that he seemed happier—working with Minstrel each morning was easing his grief in the way she’d thought it would. And he seemed happier now that everything had been sorted between the two of them. If anything, he was more relaxed and affectionate with her, even closer, as if before he’d been holding back so she didn’t get the wrong idea. Ellie tried to smile and be relaxed back but she found it tough.

She avoided everyone as much as she could, spending every spare moment with Spirit, just being with him, talking to him and grooming him. She found his loving presence so comforting. On Saturday morning she was with him in his stable when he sent her a picture of Lucifer.

Ellie blushed guiltily. She’d been so caught up with Joe that she hadn’t tried to talk to Lucifer again, and she knew the horse’s behavior had worsened further. It was his first show in two weeks and, from the conversations she’d overheard, Ellie knew Luke and her uncle were seriously worried. Her uncle had been to a show that day with Joe and some of the horses, leaving firm instructions with Luke to work Lucifer until he was going well—even if it took all day. As she’d been on her way to Spirit’s stable she’d passed Luke leading Lucifer up to the menage.

Now Spirit sent her a picture of the black gelding again.
He needs you.

I’ve tried talking to him, though
, Ellie replied.
And it’s never worked.
She didn’t want to talk to Lucifer, not after what he had done.

You need to listen.

I do, but he never talks.

No. Listen
, Spirit repeated patiently.

Ellie didn’t know what he meant. A picture of Joe formed in her head. Her confusion deepened.
Joe? What’s Joe got to do with Lucifer?

The picture got sharper.

Ellie frowned. After making such a mistake with the nettles she was determined not to ignore anything Spirit said, but what did he mean by showing her Joe?
Are you saying I should get Joe to talk to Lucifer?
she thought uncertainly.

No.

Another picture came into her head, this time of Troy, and then a picture of Merlin as she had tried to comfort him before he’d been put down. Joe, Troy, Merlin…