Dreams (12 page)

It was just Ellie and Len in the barn.

“I hate you,” she said, her voice shaking.

He gave a dry laugh. “Tough that you’re stuck with me then until you’re eighteen.” With that he turned and walked away. Ellie watched him go and then buried her face in Merlin’s rug and cried.

Ellie didn’t want to go into the house that night so she sought refuge in Spirit’s stable. She groomed him, losing herself in the rhythmic sweep of the body brush over his coat and on to the curry comb. At last, exhausted, she rugged him up and sank down in a pile of clean straw by his manger. When would Joe and Luke be back? She shut her eyes, trying to block out the images of the day.

She must have drifted off to sleep because some time later she heard a motorcycle. She was instantly awake and got to her feet. Letting herself out of the stable, she ran to the car park just in time to meet Luke coming up the slope, his helmet under his arm.

“Where’s Joe?”

“Didn’t want to come home.” Luke looked tired for once and ran a hand through his hair. “I tried to persuade him but he wanted to be on his own.”

“But how will he get back?”

“I dunno. Taxi. I’m not his keeper.”

“You shouldn’t have left him there!” Worry made her snap.

“What could I do? Drag him home? He wanted to be on his own, Ellie.” Luke gave a brief shake of his head. “I’m going in.”

Ellie watched him go, then headed back to Spirit’s stall. The horse snorted as she came in, and she sank down on the straw again. Leaning her head against the stable wall, she shut her eyes. There was the sound of hooves moving in the straw and she felt warm breath on her hands. Opening her eyes, she looked into Spirit’s face. He was there for her—always there. She touched his cheek, stroking it gently until she fell asleep.

Ellie didn’t know what woke her, but when she blinked her eyes open she wondered for a moment where she was. All she could see was wooden walls and her body felt stiff and cold, her neck aching. As she saw Spirit lying down in the straw just in front of her it all came flooding back.
Merlin. Joe…

Checking her watch, she saw that it was six o’clock in the morning. The sky outside was just getting light. She staggered to her feet. Was Joe back? Straw was sticking to her hair and clothes. Rubbing her face, she went to the door. She should go in and check.

As she walked up to the house, she glanced down the lane. A figure was walking along, barely visible in the half-light. But she knew instantly it was Joe. Changing direction, she ran to meet him.

“Joe!”

He looked at her in surprise. “What are you doing up?” His face was pale, deep purple shadows under his eyes, his hair tousled into spikes.

“I didn’t want to go inside. I’ve been waiting for you to come home.”

“You silly thing.” He managed a small smile.

“Where have you been?” Ellie demanded.

“Just walking. When Luke left I wandered around for a bit and then decided to walk home.” He gave a short laugh. “I suppose I went the long way.”

“You shouldn’t have been walking by yourself in the dark. You could have got run over or lost or anything.”

“So? Who’d have cared?”

“Me!” She looked at him. “Of course me.”

She saw the grief in his face then. “Oh, Joe.” Stepping forward, she flung her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, everything else fading. None of the stuff they’d been arguing about mattered now. She just wanted to take away the pain and make him better.

He buried his head in her hair, a sob breaking through him. “I can’t bear it, Ellie.”

“I know. I do. I really do know.” Words tumbled through her mind:
it’ll be all right…don’t worry…you’ll get over it…

She wanted to say them, to try and comfort him, but she knew how little effect such words had. A picture of Spirit came into her head and she remembered the times she’d cried into his mane and the way he had let her do that. Not offering opinions in the way humans did, but just comforting her by being there. She bit her tongue and held the words in.

Joe looked at her. “Was anyone with him when he died?”

“Me. I wanted to stop it, but when I couldn’t I stayed with him until it was over. And afterwards.” Ellie shut her eyes, trying to block out the picture of the tractor chugging over the field. She was glad Joe had been spared that.

Joe stepped back.

“What are you going to do?” Ellie asked him.

“Do?” He looked taken aback. “What
can
I do?”

“Well, are you going to say something more to your dad?”

“What’s the point?” Joe looked defeated, his earlier fighting mood completely gone. “Nothing will change him, and it won’t bring Merlin back.” He swallowed. “I suppose I’d better go in, take a shower and get ready for the show.”

Ellie stared. “You’re not seriously thinking of going to the show today?”

“The ponies are entered. I just have to get on with life.”

“But, Joe—”

He shrugged. “It’s better this way.”

He started walking towards the farm. Ellie fell into step beside him. “You can’t just keep quiet—you can’t carry on as if nothing’s happened!”

“Ellie. Dad is Dad and life is life. It’s what I’m stuck with. There’s no point fighting it.”

“No point? That’s stupid! You can’t think like that! Joe, you don’t always have to do what your dad or everyone else wants! You
can
fight things!”

But Joe carried on walking. “Let’s just go in,” he said wearily.

She followed him into the kitchen, unable to believe that he planned to go to the show as if it was a normal day. They were taking their boots and coats off when Len came downstairs in his dressing gown. “Oh, it’s you two. You’ve finally come in, have you?” He looked at Ellie. “Luke said you were asleep in the stable.”

Ellie realized that meant Luke had come looking for her. But she didn’t have time to wonder about it; she just gave a brief nod. Joe might not want a scene, but she couldn’t forgive that easily.

“And
you’ve
got over your temper tantrum, have you?” Len said, looking at Joe.

Ellie stiffened on Joe’s behalf. Joe put a hand quickly on her arm.

“What time are we leaving for the show?” he asked Len coolly.

“Seven o’clock.” Len sniffed. “You’d better clean yourself up and get those ponies ready.”

Joe headed upstairs without a word.

Ellie gave Len a furious look.

Joe paused. “Ellie. Come on
.
”

Ellie hesitated, but the plea in his voice was unmistakable and the last thing she wanted was to increase his misery. She swung around and followed him. “You should have said something,” she said in frustration.

Joe stopped on the landing, ignoring her words. “Will you give me a hand getting the ponies ready?”

She saw the utter weariness in his face. “Of course,” she sighed. “I’ll just change my clothes, then I’ll be straight down.”

As Len and Joe left for the show, her uncle barked an order at Luke: “Get that black gelding going well today. There’s less than four weeks until his first show. Make sure he knows who’s boss.”

“Will do.” Ellie heard the tension in Luke’s voice. She wondered if he still thought Len was a better father than his own.

Luke took Lucifer into the school but the horse was even more resistant than the day before, shaking his head, swishing his tail and threatening to rear. Ellie was pleased to see him playing up. She hoped her uncle wouldn’t be able to get Lucifer going properly, so Jeff Hallett would take his horse and maybe even his sponsorship away.

It would serve him right
, she thought fiercely as she fetched Spirit’s bridle for a ride at lunchtime.

As they left the yard and headed up to the hills she felt the tension she’d been holding inside her release. It had been such a difficult twenty-four hours. Focusing on the small things she saw around her—the bits of wool caught in the barbed-wire fence; the stones on the path that had fallen out of a wall; thinking of Spirit with his stride swinging out beneath her—Ellie felt everything else fade to the back of her mind.

When the land leveled out, she stopped Spirit and looked down over the valley. The yard was beneath her, with other gray stone farms dotted around the slopes, and further down in the valley was the town. Ellie wondered where Joe was. Leaning forward, she put her arms around Spirit’s neck.

Poor Joe
. He’d be kept busy at the show, but she knew only too well that being busy just kept grief at bay for a while; it didn’t make it go away.

She rested her head against Spirit’s mane.
Oh, Spirit
, she thought.
Why is life so hard sometimes?

Love came from him but there was no answer to her question.

I guess horses don’t think like that
, she thought wistfully
. They don’t think why me, or wonder why everything is so hard.
Never, in all the times Spirit had spoken to her about his own past, had she felt a complaint or a sense of unfairness. She remembered what Spirit had told her about horses the night before:
Horses walk in the present
.

It was true. Horses got on with things. They rarely wasted time by questioning why, or wondering if things could be different. They existed in the moment.

Horses are incredible
, Ellie told Spirit.

Different
, came the swift reply. She saw a picture of herself cradling Merlin’s head: the pony’s eyes were closed but there was a real sense of him being comforted. It almost made her want to cry.

I wanted to stop it
, she told Spirit.

I know. You couldn’t, but you helped. And you can help others too, the ones who are still here.

He sent her a picture of Lucifer in the stable again, just as he had the day before.
He didn’t mean it to end as it did. He has problems. He needs someone to understand.

Ellie hesitated. She didn’t want to go anywhere near Lucifer after what he’d done.

Spirit watched her.

With a sigh, she checked her watch. She should get moving. Straightening up, she touched her heels to his sides and they carried on.

When Joe returned from the show, there were two rosettes stuck inside the windscreen of the trailer and her uncle seemed happy. Ellie helped unload the ponies.

“So how was it?” she said, going to find Joe when she’d settled the ponies in their stables. He was fastening the breast strap on Bill’s rug.

“It was a show.” Joe shrugged. “We won one class, took a fifth in the other. Dad’s pleased.”

Rubbing a hand over his eyes, he came out of the stable. He looked utterly drained.

“And how are you feeling?” she asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“OK.” She helped him put the traveling boots and rugs away. If he didn’t want to talk that was fine. She wouldn’t force him. She remembered her own horror at seeing a bereavement counselor who’d wanted her to talk about her parents’ death, and at the way her friends’ parents had tried to make her speak about it. She knew that part of the comfort Spirit gave her was that he never expected her to talk if she didn’t feel like it, and he never told her how she should be thinking or feeling. Ever since he’d come into her life he had always just been there for her, whenever she needed,
however
she needed. Joe didn’t have a horse like Spirit. But he did have her. In that instant, she promised herself she would be there for him in the same way.

“You look exhausted,” she said as they finished off. “Come on. No homework tonight. You’re going to watch television with me.”

Joe didn’t have the strength to argue. He managed a sad smile and they went into the house together.

OVER THE NEXT WEEK
, Ellie stayed true to her promise. She was there for Joe in any way she could be. He never spoke about Merlin and what had happened, but at times she would catch him looking at Merlin’s old stable and see the loss in his eyes. Ellie felt concerned about him. He was withdrawn and quiet, going about his day-to-day life with a deep unhappiness hanging over him. She knew that under the surface he was still angry with his dad, but he kept it all inside. She wished he would say something more to Len, deal with it, but that wasn’t his way.

It was probably a good thing. Len was in a black mood. Lucifer’s behavior had grown worse than ever. Len continued with his view that he was a dominant horse, but the more Luke hit him, the more Lucifer fought back, and when Luke tried to ride him with spurs Lucifer had another wild bucking fit. It seemed impossible that he’d be ready for Anna to enter in the show in three weeks’ time.

Ellie was glad her uncle was stressed and worried, but when she voiced this to Joe he shook his head.

“This isn’t just about Dad, Ellie. If we lose the Equi-Glow sponsorship it could be really bad for us all. Jeff Hallett is generous and gives Dad a lot of money. If we didn’t have it, we’d have to sell some of the horses. We couldn’t keep nearly as many.” He frowned. “And it’s not good for Lucifer either. He’s so unhappy. You can see it written all over him. I wish I could do something. I thought about joining-up with him—it might help—but I know Dad wouldn’t even let me try.”

“I wish he’d let you. I bet it would make a difference.” She thought of suggesting they did it in secret, maybe when Len was out, but just looking at Joe’s face she knew he wouldn’t even consider it. Ellie frowned as she realized that Joe hadn’t actually worked with any young horses since Merlin had died, yet it was one of the things that had always made him happiest.

“You might not be able to join-up with Lucifer, but isn’t your dad thinking of backing Minstrel soon? Are you going to join-up with him?”

Joe shook his head. “I’m not in the mood at the moment.”

“But it helped Solo so much.”

“I don’t want to.”

Ellie hesitated. She knew that whenever she’d been feeling down about her mom and dad, then helping Spirit and listening to him had always left her feeling calmer and somehow soothed. “I think you should.”

“No, Ellie—”

“Please, Joe. Join-up with Minstrel.”

He didn’t say anything.

Ellie grabbed the chance. Joe might not feel like doing it, but she was sure it would help him. “Why don’t you do it tomorrow morning? I’ll meet you at the barn…”