Doubting Our Hearts (9 page)

Chapter 8

Lillian

"Why did you come here, Lillian?"

My first reaction was to tell him I didn't know because really I was only firing off of one cylinder when I made the decision. Every other part of my body emotionally shut down until I found my apartment. My second reaction was just to tell him the truth.

"When I made the choice to leave, it wasn't to come here." I say speaking more to the ground that to him. "I had to get away."

He stops me and guides me to a wooden bench. I doubt I could keep walking after I told him this, so I'm relieved he sensed my uneasiness.

"What did you have to get away from, Lillian? You had a wonderful career, a family who cared about you, a best friend who loved you, and you were getting married. Those sound like stellar reasons to stay where you were."

Although I agree those were great reasons to stay in Tampa, I only thought them until the start of my wedding.

"I had to get away from all of that." I could feel Brayden slip his hand in mine and squeeze gently. It was his way of showing support without having to voice it, which relaxed me so I could go on. "They destroyed me."

Holding his hand, I look up in his brown eyes and saw acceptance. He would never push me. He just accepted what I could give him as he always did.

Over our time together, I've seen lust and desire in those brown orbs, but I've also recognized pride, hurt, sincerity, kindness, laughter, playfulness, acceptance, and hope. It's like he was able to open the doors to his heart and soul without fear of me hurting him. Did he know he does the same for me?

"Can I ask a question?"

"Certainly."

"Did the time we spend together change your decision about marrying him?" At least he changed the direction of the conversation away from the wedding. I don't think I can tell him what happened yet. I try to block it out the best I can.

"Honestly, what happened between us didn't affect my decision." Although that statement was true, I'm not going to reveal it plagued me night and day until I forced myself to stop daydreaming about possibilities and stick to my promise. "It was Damon who did that." His eyes search my face silently asking for all the answers I wasn't ready to give.

"Did he find out that we were hanging out?"

"I really don't know. I did tell him I was meeting a friend." Why I never went into grave detail about the specifics of this friend is still beyond me. Damon was never the jealous type. "I haven't spoken to him since I came here, so if he saw us together or not was never discussed."

"Do you think that's why he had had a change of heart? Could he have seen us and thought we were going behind his back?"

I never really thought of that. I just assumed Damon and Nora were sneaking behind my back when I was blind to see what was going on. I never had the thought that maybe Damon saw me and Brayden together and just did something malicious to hurt me. That just didn't seem like the Damon I knew.

"My first inclination is to say no. I don't think Damon would go as far as he did if he had known about us. That's not to say he didn't know. He never said anything."

Us
. Was there an us at one time that I was too naive to identify?

Brayden took off my camera bag and place it between us on the bench then open the case to grab the camera. He puts it in my hands then looks in my emerald eyes. "Take a few. You can use the distraction." I give him a smile before I uncap the lens and start to focus on some trees. He allows me to snap a few pictures before he could continue.

"I was with Addison for about two years when I met you. I met her in a bar trying to find the answers to her problems at the bottom of a bottle of vodka."

As much as I don't want to hear about his fiancé, I know this part I must suffer through to get to the answers I'm wanting. I remain quiet and keep snapping pictures as I give him the time he needs to tell me the truth.

"I spent the next few hours listening to her about how her ex-boyfriend made a big production of outing the fact he was unfaithful to her. She suspected he wasn't satisfied, but the way he told her and showed her was more awful than any words he said. He even described the differences between her and this other woman. She was broken, and it pained me to see someone so distraught. So, I took her back to her home, put her to bed, and left my number and a note to call me in the morning."

The clicking of my camera stopped as he said the last few sentences. The emotion I could hear in his voice for his fiancé made my chest ache.

"She called me a few days later saying she was sorry she didn't call the day after. I suppose she was too embarrassed with how she acted and spilling her guts to a complete stranger. I didn't bother me to be the one to listen, so I offered to take her out for coffee.

"Addison was always fun and outgoing. Her modeling career took off which lead her to spend some time traveling the world. I thought it was good for her to get away from the things she was comfortable with to experience new ones.

"We talked almost every day, and she would go on about the places she saw and people she met. It made me miss her and the things we did when she was home."

His last sentence almost did me in. I couldn't say anything because if I did, I would just start crying. There was no way I was going to get emotional when I'm finally finding out more about him.

"The weeks leading up to my business trip in Tampa, I debated proposing. Each time I thought about it, my doubt would steer me away from it."

"Why didn't you propose before you met me?"

He let out a small laugh and slid his hands down the front of his pants. "You see my mother and father got married right out of high school. They thought they were so in love and couldn't wait to start a family. She tried for months to get pregnant. That's when their marriage started to crumble. Her need for children overcame her love for my father. When she finally became pregnant with me and my brother, the bond was already broken beyond repair with my father.

"Raising twin boys on your own is considerably difficult especially when your own family feels that divorce is a sin."

My heart was breaking. With what his mother went through and his fiancé's past, it's hard for my heart not to ache for this man.

I put the camera back in its case to give him my full undivided attention. No matter what has happened or will happen, this man will always be my friend, and I need to show him that I can be just as much a rock for him and he is for me. When I fold our hands together over his knee, his eyes meet mine telling him that I'm here to listen.

"Keep going please," I say quietly.

He looks between our joined hands and my eyes then nods his head and begins again. "We spent half the time with my mother and the other half with my father. It wasn't ideal, but it worked. Brendan and I saw my father marry eight times and my mother six."

My gasp didn't shock or surprise Brayden. He merely shrugged his shoulders since he had already comes to terms with their actions. I can see why this is a big part of the reason he was so reluctant to marry Addison.

"You're afraid." And to some degree, I was too from the time he left me in Tampa until my wedding.

"Yeah, I was and still am. My parents were good role models when it came to work ethic, education, and finances. Love,” he says as he lets out a short laugh, “well let's just say they need a bit of a lesson themselves."

"So, when you met me, why didn't you tell me about Addison? I obviously didn't hide Damon from you." Or anything for that matter. I was an open book like I could tell his emotions were for me.

His grip on my hands got a little tighter, so I know this was him trying to tell me something important. I need to know why he lied to me.

"When I saw you, Lillian, I literally couldn't breathe. I should have told you. I should have said it when you told me, but before I knew it we were talking then you laughed and I couldn't stop myself from just getting to know you."

"You had so many chances to just tell me the truth. Why didn't you tell me about her at all? I never kept a secret from you. I was always totally up front about who and what my life consisted of."

Even with his admission of how he felt the first time we met, it still doesn't erase the fact he lied to me for weeks, which begs the question what else has he lied about.

"I don't have another reason than to say I don't know." I try to remove my hands from his but it was no use. His firm grip kept them exactly where he wanted them. "There are some things I just can’t put into words, Lil. What I did was wrong. I should have told you the truth. I know it wouldn't have changed the outcome, but you deserved the truth and I withheld it." He gazed into my eyes as his fingers ran over my knuckles. "Can you forgive me?"

Can I forgive him? He’s right, it wouldn't have changed our time together. We were only friends, and I was set on marry Damon regardless of the feelings that were shooting around my mind and body for Brayden.

"Did you lie about anything else?"

"Nothing. Everything about our time together was genuine. I didn't mention my brother was a twin because I didn't feel it pertinent information, but I didn't lie to you about him."

"Didn't feel it was
pertinent
? So when I come to New York and see who I think is you nestled next to a gorgeous blonde and," I pull away to make air quotations, “ ”you” didn't recognize me, you still don't think it was
pertinent
to let me know there was another one of you out there?"

I didn't mean for that to come out so bitchy, but I feel the fact he was a twin a vital piece of information, especially since we shared so much of our past with each other.

"What you're saying and how your acting makes me think you might be a little jealous."

I stare at him in disbelief. How did we go from him lying to me bring jealous? I grab my camera bag and purse then stalk off leaving him sitting on the bench.

How can he think that I would be jealous? I was merely stating that it would have been important information to know that there is a guy roaming around New York that looks identical to Brayden. Plus not to mention a twin brother shapes who you are. He's told me many things about his past including college and starting the company, and his brother is a big part of that.

"Lillian...wait!"

I hear him coming up behind me, but I am starting to get a tad more upset than I expected. I know he didn't expect me to move to New York, but we shared personal information with one another. So, I feel he kept something that didn't really matter one way or the other. God, I need to sit down. I'm going to give myself a headache trying to figure this all out.

I feel his warm hand on my arm before he says anything. "Lillian, please. I didn't mean it to come out like that. I'm sorry."

I still don't turn to face him. This doesn't get us anywhere if I'm running off without letting him finish. I take a cleansing breath and walk toward another bench.

"Look, I'm sorry too. I don't understand what's going on with me. We came here to talk, and we need to do that. I have questions too. Let's just not throw accusations out there. Alright?"

He agrees as he takes the spot next to me. "Can I tell you what happened after I left Tampa?"

This was a big one. I knew it from the shakiness of his voice, but I also knew this was the time I had my biggest doubts about marrying Damon. Before I tell him about me, I need to hear what happened with him.

"Please."

"The five and a half months after leaving you were by far the worse time in my life. I couldn't concentrate on work. Brendan took as much of my work as he could while I did the menial tasks for both of us. Addison and I started to fight, and most nights I slept in my office. All I could think about was you and our time together.

"When your wedding day came, I didn't handle things well. I drank. I drank a lot. If Addy didn't find me after midnight, I probably would have died."

Tears stung my eyes to hear him voice how broken he really was, but you don't get that broken over a friend. I didn't get that broken over Nora and Damon, but that doesn't mean I was hurt any less by it. Maybe I just controlled it better.

"I told her about you that night. I told her how I met you, about the places we went, how we acted together. I explained we were just friends and you were getting married that day hence the reason for my drunkenness."

I close my eyes and imagined Brayden in an office with modern furnishings stumbling and drinking. If I was Addison walking in on that, I probably would have done anything to help him.

"She told me that I should go find you...and fight for you. She was willing to give me up, so I could be happy."

That's when tears started to stream my face. A person I don't know was going to make a huge sacrifice to make sure this man found his happiness. I don't even know her, but I know I respect her a great deal. It takes a person with a big heart and a lot of courage to willingly forego her own happiness for the happiness of someone she loves. It's then that I know I could never be anymore than friends with Brayden.

"She really does love you, Brayden."