Read Doubting Our Hearts Online
Authors: Rachel E. Cagle
Lillian
Although my time with Addison revealed some important aspects to our dynamic, I didn't really process them until I sat down with Riley a half hour ago. I knew I would need to disclose things to Riley eventually, but I wanted to be sure. Sure of what exactly, I don't know. Part scared and part unsure of how she would look at me I guess. Needless to say, I'm glad I'm finally able to talk with her openly about my feelings, and she’s here to give me a friendly opinion on my current predicament.
"You had a whole lot more crap going on than you lead me to believe didn't you?"
I let out a small laugh. "Yeah."
"Well, what do you wanna touch on first? You obviously need to sort through all of this before seeing him again." Riley takes her wine glass and rests it on her knee that's folded over the other. She looks like my own personal shrink, and 100% my best friend right now.
"I dunno really. I'm so confused. I know I love him. God, just saying it out loud seems weird. Geez, for months, Riley,
months
I thought of nothing but him. I practically moved here because of him. If that's not crazy I don't know what is."
"No. What's crazy is not telling him how you feel. This is why people get stuck in relationships they hate because they don't voice their feelings. You were in love with Damon before, and you were completely honest with Brayden. Damon and Nora made a choice to tell you how they felt. Granted, they definitely chose the most inopportune time to be honest with you, but they
were
honest.
"Think of how you would have felt if you married Damon out of obligation than out of love. Come on Lil, before you walked up to Damon you thought of Brayden. That's a sign if I ever heard one."
I sigh and sink more into my couch. She's right. I can analyze that day over and over in my head, and always end up at the same conclusion...Damon and I were never meant to be.
From the moment I met Brayden, something inside me changed. Maybe, my heart was always waiting for him. Soul mates. Love at first sight. The one. I really think of how true all of these words describe the situation between Brayden and me. I've always wanted that connection with someone. A person who holds my heart, whose love can ease my worry, whose arms can shelter me, and whose touch can make all the bad disappear.
Brayden does all those things for me.
"But I feel like his engagement is ending because of me. He does love Addy, and he's going to be hurting." Then it dawns on me. "She's probably talking with him right now, and he's breaking down. Blaming me."
"Lily, haven't you heard anything these people have been telling you?"
I just look into the green of my Stella bottle for the answers to all my questions. Nope...nothing. Instead, I shrug.
"Brayden flew down to Tampa to be with you because he knew you needed him. Addison talked to you and said she knows Brayden is in love with you and you guys should be together. Nora was telling you that Damon saw you happy at that park. You yourself said you're in love with Brayden.
"So, why is it that you have all of these people offering you insights, but you can't see what you so obviously should do?"
"I don't know Riley." This is where my emotional gate breaks, and all my insecurities and fears spill out. "I'm terrified Brayden will hate me once Addison breaks their engagement. I know he loves her, but when he finds out his girlfriend of three years is cutting him off, I know it’ll hurt him. What kind of person would I be if I was conveniently there to pick up the pieces? Like I was waiting for her to split up with him so I could have him. That would make me a horrible person.
"I can see he cares for me. I mean, he wouldn't have bought me a ticket or done all the other kind gestures if he didn't care, but love? Come on, Riley."
She continues to sip her wine, and I can see her mulling over everything I've said. "I'm going to say something really cliché, but I believe it's the best thing for this situation. Love is about taking risks. You're never guaranteed the person will return your affections, but there's always hope they do. The risk. The leap of faith. The I'm-going-to-jump-of-the-bridge-and-hope-you'll-follow.
"You know the best thing about the risk is?" I just stare giving a one shoulder shrug. "The reward. The reward in that the person who you've spilled your heart out to will return your affections with their own. That is the best part about the jump. That someone will be there to catch you."
"I don't know Riley. What if I'm there to take the leap and he's not there with me?"
That is the scariest thing in all of this. My depth of feelings for Brayden won't be reciprocated. I'll be alone in my affections.
"Then he is the stupidest, most undeserving man I have ever met. Anyone, and I mean anyone, you pour your heart out to should be lucky to have your love. If he's not there to catch you, then he's not the man I thought he was."
We both sit there listening to music when I hear my voicemail alert sound. I never heard the phone ring, but it's funny like that sometimes. I'd rather not listen to it and continue to be lost in thought, but if it's something with my dad or my job, I should listen to it.
I swipe the screen and see it's from Brayden. That's odd. He never leaves a voicemail. Always a text or a missed call. I press speaker and the message begins to play out loud.
"Lillian. It's Brendan. Addison was in a car accident when she left you. We're at Roosevelt Hospital now. I think my brother really needs you. Get here as soon as you can. Thanks."
I look up to Riley who's leaning over watching my phone like something else is going to happen. I'm stunned that Brayden didn't call me, but even more confused as to why his brother would. If Brayden wanted me there, then he should have called. However, if he was too distraught to call, maybe he needs me there as a friend.
"Lil, he needs you now," Riley says making me realize I need to make a choice.
"I can't tell him. Not now. Not knowing what feelings he has for her or if she even told him that the engagement is over."
Riley grabs my shaking hands and guides me to the couch. "Hey. You don't need to tell him all of that now, but be there for him. Addison sounds like a cool chick, and she obviously likes you. Be there for him and support him. That's all you can do right now."
"O-okay."
******
I make it to Roosevelt Hospital a little later than I expected to. When I left Riley, I wandered around for a while. I walked all over. I'm not adverse to taking a cab, but I needed time to just let things sink in. I should have gone straight to Brayden, but something kept me from running straight to him.
Night has fallen as I walk through the doors of the hospital and ask where I might find Mrs. James' room. They young receptionist directs me to the intensive care unit. When the ICU is in view, I note the visiting hours end in thirty minutes. I shouldn't stay longer than that anyway.
As I push the big metal square to open the double doors, dread sweeps through me. I don't want to see this beautiful woman hurting and I don't want to witness Brayden breaking. However, regardless of my apprehension, I know I'm about to see both.
The nurse I'm greeted with at her station walks to the ledge. "How can I help you, ma'am?"
"I was told that Addison James was admitted this afternoon. Her fiancé told me to meet them here."
"He's in with her now. Should I tell him you're here?"
I think about that for a second. I know I shouldn't be here, but I still came against my better judgment. "No, I'll just stand at the door. Please don't alert them."
"Room 3." The nurse tilts her head in the direction of the room, and I can see a bit of Brayden's suit as he sits next to her bed.
I walk quietly and stand with my body against the door frame and my head peeking into the room. It's there I see Addison's body in a state of unconsciousness. Beeps and noises are the only things I hear until my ears pick up on the sound of crying.
Brayden's shoulders are shaking as he holds Addy's hand and rubs his thumb over the inside of her wrist. I want to go to him. I want to wrap my arms around him and be his support. To show him I can be a rock like he's been to me. Before I'm able to pick up my foot, his sad voice speaks to her.
"Addy, I'm so sorry. God, come back to me." More beeps and a
whoosh
sound before he begins again. "I love you. Do you hear me? I love you so much." Inhale and
whoosh
again as my heart breaks further. "Come back to me, baby. Don't let go. I'm nothing without you." And he resumes crying.
Just like on the day of my wedding, my heart that I thought was beginning to repair itself is now broken and shattered on the ground again.
I feel like a voyeur watching this intimate moment between Brayden and his fiancée. Even if I wanted to give him strength right now, I have nothing to offer because it's all there on the linoleum of the hospital floor.
I back away and wipe my tears as the nurse eyes me curiously. I don't want to talk or say anything else. I was a fool to think he would even think of loving me. I don't care what anyone's said. He loves Addison. Even if I wanted to jump now, I know he wouldn't be there to catch me.
I walk out of the hospital trying not to replay the moments we shared together, the thoughtfulness he's shown me especially since we've met back up, or the gaze of his warm brown eyes. I can't let this break me. I can't go back to the broken person I was when I moved here, but I know I’ll never be the same.
I need to recover, and I know there's only one way to do that. I need to cut him out of my life for good. No pictures, no gifts, no notes, no nothing. I need to purge him and as quick as possible.
Thinking of everywhere I have something that reminds me of him, I choose to hit my studio first. I hail a cab that brings me straight to my studio. I go for the new pictures I got today, and I start to cry. I box them and remind myself to figure out what to do with them. Maybe I can send them to Addison as a gift. He'll never let her go, and they both deserve to be happy.
My next stop is my apartment. I practically run to get there and cleanse my personal space of anything Brayden related. His lonely picture gets put into the box with the jellyfish necklace. I'm sad to see them go, but I know I need to do this. I set the box aside and search for my phone. I would call Nora now, but it's not her number I dial and hear after the second ring.
"Lily, how'd it go?"
I break loose. My tears rain down from my face as my sobs get louder and more erratic.
"He's not going to catch me, Riley."
"Oh, honey, I'm on my way."
Brendan
For two weeks, I've called and left messages for Addison, and for two weeks, she's avoided me completely. I know it was a stupid thing to drink to the point of stupidity, but I couldn't seem to stop myself.
Moreover, what was worse was being that inebriated and having to rely on Addy to get me home. I know I said some things that she may had taken badly, but I could swear I passed out before I said anything else. She was gentle as she stroked her fingers through my hair, which allowed me to fall in the best sleep I could imagine.
However, it wasn't falling asleep that was the problem. It was waking up. Alone.
Since that night, I can't get her out of my head. She occupies my thoughts and dreams. Every time my cell rings I think it's her. I'm quite possibly losing my mind. If I thought my mind was consumed by her before, now I've gone completely insane.
The worse part of all of this wasn’t being able to show her the affection I so desperately wanted to. Holding her hand. Caressing her cheek. Kissing her lips. I was driving myself to the brink with wanting her.
I knew then I needed to come clean with my brother and the only way would be in person. I would lock him in, explain my feelings for Addy, and hoped that by the time the punches stopped, if we fought, he would know how much I wanted to be with her. I just couldn't sit by and have them get married when I knew with the utmost certainty I was in love with her.
However, things don't always go as planned.
As I sit here holding Addy's soft hand, everything in me rips apart. The years I've wasted, all the times I've avoided telling her how much I care about her, every single moment we had meant something to me...and now everything crashes down.
My brother is assuming the worse but won't give me the time of day to explain. I don't know if she's going to wake up, and by god, I haven't even kissed her yet. My feelings have been locked up so tight, but now, all I want to do is tell her everything I've kept secret.
My cries turn to sobs. Uncontrollable sobs. And I don't care who hears me. Somehow, someway, I hope Addy does.
"Addy, I'm so sorry. God, come back to me."
It's my plea. My prayer.
"I love you. Do you hear me? I love you so much."
So many times I've wished I was able to say that to her so she could see and hear how true that is.
"Come back to me, baby. Don't let go. I'm nothing without you."
Nothing. I will be nothing if she doesn't wake up.
The next couple hours were more of the same. Beeps,
whoosh
sounds of the ventilator, and Addy not opening her eyes. I know someone could be in a coma for hours or days, hell even longer, but I can't...won't think that far. I just sit here holding her hand praying for her to come back to me.
******
The stiffness in my neck and blanket draped over me lets me know I fell asleep in the chair holding Addy's hand.
Still no change.
"Sir?" A female voice asks behind me.
"Yes."
"I'll sit with her if you wanna go get a shower and some breakfast."
I crank my neck around to look at a petite brunette nurse with a kind smile in scrubs with a cheery Minnie Mouse pattern. Her smile turns shy and looks away slightly. Before Addison, I would think that was sexy, but nothing gets me like Addy does. Even though I've had sexual experiences while knowing her, it was more to block her from my mind than anything. It wouldn't help though. Every woman I slept with reminded me of Addison, and I couldn't finish unless I was thinking about her.
"Do you think she'll wake up before I get back?"
"I don't know, sir. We always hope."
I nod not really knowing if I'm agreeing with her statement or wanting some food and a hot shower. My appetite is bordering on non-existent, but I wouldn't mind changing.
"Will you call me if her condition changes?"
"I will personally. I'll take care of her."
"Thank you...umm..."
"Sarah," She says with a smile. "She's in good hands."
"Brendan Knight."
"Take a shower and get something to eat, Mr. Knight."
I bend down to kiss Addison's cheek chastely before checking she's tucked in snugly then heading for the door. I look back once, sneaking one more glance before I head out of her room.
I need to pack some clothes I can keep at the hospital, take a shower, grab some food, and call Becky so I know what's going on at work. I still haven't heard from my brother, but that talk has got to be pushed to the backburner for now. He's going to have to reach out to me. My priorities don't have an altercation with my brother in the top ten right now.
As the cab pulls up to my building, I call Becky.
"Mr. Knight, how is Miss James today?"
I sigh and try and reign in my emotions. I may need to hit something. Preferably at a gym, but it may be something in my apartment if my control disintegrates.
"Still in a coma, Becky. Nothing's changed."
"I'm sorry, sir. Would you like me to send flowers?"
"Flowers? What are flowers going to do when she's in a fucking coma, Becky? Not a God damn thing!" The second I was done I regretted my words and the tone I said them in. Becky's been nothing but supportive and considerate not to mention the best assistant I've ever had.
My control is slipping, and I need to get it together.
"I'm sorry, Becky. I didn't mean-"
"Mr. Knight, it's understandable. It's a rough time."
"That's not an excuse for my poor behavior towards you."
"Forgiven. Will you be coming in today?"
"There's probably going to be a new normal until Addison wakes up. Anything that needs my immediate attention, please forward that to me. Anything else I can do from my laptop or phone calls, I'll be doing that from the hospital, along with sleeping. If you need me and can't reach me, I will probably be there."
I'm going to be a permanent fixture at the hospital until Addy decides to come back to me. Whether anyone likes it or not...including Addison.
I unlock my door and head straight for the bathroom.
"Yes, sir. I'll email you everything on the schedule for the rest of the week, and you can tell me which items you’d like me to handle."
"Thank you, Becky. I'm going to take a shower. I'll call you and let you know how we're going to handle the week."
We ring off, and I can't think of anything else but a shower and clean clothes. The hot water is probably hotter than my normal, but I feel it rinse off some of the guilt, some of the hurt, some of the pain. This is where I break and let my tears fall to the floor and mix with the water from the shower. I slide my back down the shower wall, prop my knees up, rest my head on them and cry.
******
Over the next two weeks, Addison and the hospital became my daily routine. Addison's parents would come during the morning and afternoon while I worked then retreat to their hotel room just to come back the next day. I was glad either my brother called them or asked Candice to do it. Seeing their faces raked with emotion broke me even further. The nurses allowed me to sleep in her room at night, and one of them would watch Addy while I went to shower and change clothes during the day; it was normally Sarah when it was her shift. Sarah would talk with me when she was working, and I honestly grew to enjoy her company despite the circumstances of our meeting.
She's been an ICU nurse for a year and enjoys reading in her spare time. She has a boyfriend she recently got involved with and seems to like him.
Sarah's also been talking to me about changes in Addison when she wakes up. I always appreciate the fact Sarah talks like Addy’s going to wake up any day and doesn't give me if's or uncertainties.
The big uncertainty, besides Addison, is my brother. He hasn't contacted me; however, Candice calls everyday to ask for Addy's current condition. As much as I want to pick up the phone and call my brother, I can't focus on that. My focus is solely on Addison and what I need to do for her.
So, regardless of my new daily activities and room arrangements, I keep as busy as I can by her bedside. I've been able to do most of my duties for work from my computer and discuss business over the phone.
"Knock, knock."
I lift my head up at the sound of Sarah's voice. "Hey, Sarah. Come to check on my girl?"
"I am. Also, I've come to check on you. How are you doing?"
I let out a breath and close my laptop. "Same as I was yesterday and the day before I suppose. I'm trying to stay busy but it's...it's hard, ya know?"
"Mr. Knight, I've seen good and bad things happen while I've been in this unit," She starts as she check Addy's machines. "No one can ask anything more than love and support, and you're showing that to Miss James here quite well. She's a lucky girl."
"Please, call me Brendan." Sarah gives me a small smile and continues with her overall check of Addy's condition. I stare at the woman I love wistfully. "Do you think she'll remember me?"
"I think it'll take more than a coma to forget you, Mr. Knight." Sarah replies sheepishly.
"I appreciate that," and I return a small smile of my own. "Can you explain to me again what I can expect when she wakes up?"
"Sure." She pulls up a chair next to mine and tries to relax to tell me the best to worst case scenarios. "She can wake up tomorrow and be perfectly fine. She'll probably be a little disoriented because this is the brain’s way of healing itself. She'll be exactly like the Addison you knew before this happened."
I want that so badly. Thinking about Addy in any other way than the bright, sassy, energetic woman I've come to know and love would be anything short of a crime.
"However, if her injury damaged her brain further, she could have one of many cases of amnesia. Everyone heals differently. If she does have amnesia, her memory could come back relatively quickly or take a while with the help of therapy. Sadly, some patients may never get their memories back."
I just stare at Sarah's shoulder at her bright yellow, blue, and white daisy pattern scrubs and try to bring myself back to the conversation after that kick in the gut.
Some patients may never get their memories back
. Although I should feel relieved she may never remember me and my parade of women since I've known her, she also may not remember me at all.
"Mr. Knight, would you like some water? You look awfully pale."
Blinking brings me physically back to the conversation. I simply nod without speaking. Addison may not know me or my brother. After taking a sip from the plastic cup, I try to search more of Sarah's medical knowledge with my questions.
"So she could lose her memories forever? Long and short-term?"
"There are many types of amnesia, Mr. Knight."
"Please, it's Brendan."
"Right, Brendan. Generalized amnesia is the loss of memory of that person's entire life whereas lacunar amnesia is only the loss of certain experiences. Obviously, losing all of one's life experiences causes stress and therapy is encouraged if not mandatory." She takes a breath and regains some composure before she continues. "Other types of amnesia may be temporary or long-term. Each form occurs differently in every person. For instance, anterograde is a form that causes difficulty forming and keeping new memories after an accident. Retrograde is the inability to remember events before the accident. There is also the possibility of not remembering selective events or recalling large or small periods of time." Sarah looks at her watch and starts to rise out of the chair. "I have to get to lunch. I can come back and watch her for you while you get yourself a shower and something to eat."
"Thank you, Sarah. I would like that."
When she's out of the room, I resume my usual position at Addy's beside with her hand in mine willing her with my thoughts and my words to come back to me, whole and unbroken. I can help her through anything; I know I can. However, the big question is what if she doesn't want my help? If she doesn't want or need me, it’ll be like another knife to my now breaking heart.