Doubting Our Hearts (20 page)

"He said he saw you there with a man."

"Why didn't he say something? Brayden is my friend, and nothing happened with him. I would never have done anything to hurt Damon. He should know that better than anyone."

I see Nora wince at my words, and I have to compose myself and realize who I'm talking to. She is who Damon loves.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound..." I take a deep breath and tell her what I should have known before my wedding day. Looking back now, it's something that has probably been true since I spent those three weeks with Brayden. "I'm not in love with Damon."

Her eyes soften and she smiles before continuing. "Lil, Damon and I talked about what he saw. I think he was hurt at first, but after a few days of talking it out, he realized something. He said you looked so happy and carefree when he saw you on that swing in the park, and he couldn't remember a time when your face glowed so much. He was overwhelmed, but also saddened because he wasn't the one putting that look on your face.

"He does love you, Lil. I know he still does." A sad expression washed over Nora's face, which told me this was hard for her. I can relate, but it's also good to hear this from her and have some dialog after these past few months. "I know loving someone for years doesn't just go away. It sticks with you, and I can respect that."

I think about everything she said. Damon saw me with Brayden, but never told me about it. After his mood changed, he wouldn't come home until after I had gone to sleep or stayed out saying he was reading through depositions for work. Nora didn't say much but immersed herself in work, which I know now was surrounded by Damon. I felt alone by myself, and my wedding planner became my go-to girl when I wanted something to keep me busy. Being alone was bad. Being alone would allow myself to reply those memories of Brayden, and it hurt my heart that he wasn't there to experience things with.

Searching through everything Brayden has made me feel over the last few weeks and the feelings I felt after I left him, it's still difficult to put into words what this is. Other people have seen the way he makes me feel. My parents' reactions to him was even something Damon didn't get right away. Some of his words and his sweet gestures are endearing and make me want to tell him these things I'm bottling up inside me.

Not to mention being in his personal space. Something reaches to the depths of my belly and clenches the muscles as my nerves dance with anticipation awaiting his searing touch. I want to throw myself at him and never stop kissing him. I've never had to control an urge like this before. It's like my body is trying to tell me something my heart and mind are fighting to deny.

It's then I know I have to let go of my hurt and mend the bridge that was broken. With my mind racing through all my emotions of Brayden, I know the right thing to do is to forgive Nora and move on.

I leave forward and wrap her in a hug. One that isn't just about forgiving but about gluing back the pieces to a friendship I hope to keep. She hugs me back and I can hear her sobs. She repeats things like
I'm so sorry Lil
,
I love you so much
,
I can't imagine my life without you
, and
You're my best friend
. She's right. This woman is my best friend. I can't be hateful to someone I look at as my sister. I have to let go.

I pull away slightly looking at her tear-stained face and red eyes. "I forgive you. I love you too."

More tears fall, but I feel a large weight has lifted off of me. This baggage I've carried with me for almost four months is gone. I would rather not talk to Damon, but forgiving Nora is something I know I can handle. 

Chapter 23

Brayden

I have a bad feeling. Not one of those tremors in the night when someone will jump out at you either. I would take that over this overwhelming bad nervousness lying in the pit of my stomach. It's as if something horrible is going to happen. It doesn't emanate from that odd twin bond some people say they have with their sibling. At least I don't think it does. I just have to try and stomp it out and focus my attention toward Lil.

Over the last week and a half, Lillian and I have done almost everything together. We've visited some of the same places we did all those months ago and not once has it felt strained or awkward. It's nice and she seems more at ease knowing her and Nora talked. She says she's not ready to jump back into full disclosure with her, but I completely understand why. That's a hurt I don't think most friendships can jump back from.

George pulled through his surgery perfectly as we all prayed he would. Once he was released four days later, he and his wife decided to relax in Tampa with Lil and I until we flew back home, which is tomorrow.

Lil's editor and chief has been in contact with her regarding the staff position that she’s extremely looking forward to it. Her first shoot is scheduled for the day after our return, and I can tell she's more than happy to get in her studio.

I’ve noticed her camera in her hands less than before, and I'm glad she's becoming more open with me. She's given me a more in-depth look into her friendship with Nora and how she met Damon. I would like to say I'm not jealous when she brings him up, but that would be a big fat lie.

I am jealous. I'm jealous he got to spend so much time with her. I'm jealous he was with her for years and got to experience many different sides to her without the hurt she's feeling now. She was more carefree than she is now. I'm jealous he asked her to marry him and she said yes. Even though we've never talked about it, I'm jealous she lost her virginity with him. The green of jealousy has taken hold within me for the first time in my life. However, one thing is certain, when I hold her hand, wrap her in a warm embrace, or when she smiles and it's meant only for me, the green slowly fades away and hope takes its place.

Over these last ten days here in Tampa, I've come to see some sides of Lil that I never got to see. The love and admiration she has for her parents melts me and makes me want to give her that. Make her my wife and give her children that’ll look at her the way she looks at her parents.

That last statement is what leaves me in the predicament I find myself in today. Alone in the same coffee shop I met her in while she spends some time with her parents. I've been here for over an hour and I'm no closer to a solution than I was when I made the choice.

I've chosen Lillian.

As I sorted through my feelings for Addison last night, I came to the conclusion that she and I are very good friends. Yes, we've slept together, and I love her. But I can't make a promise to God, my friends, and family to someone who doesn't capture my heart like Lil does.

"Excuse me."

I look up to a gentleman in a grey suit holding a to-go cup of coffee that brings my focus to the here and now.

"Yes?"

"What's your name?"

That's an odd question to ask another guy, but whatever, I'll go with it. Maybe I know him from work. Last time I was here my focus was elsewhere, so I stick out my hand.

"Brayden Knight." The gentleman takes my hand with his own. A little too strong. "And you are?"

"Damon Nicholson."

There is only one Damon I know of, but I have no idea if this is him. Lil's never told me his last name, and I don't want to assume.

"Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Nicholson. Would you like to sit?"

He nods before placing his coffee cup on the table and taking the seat across from me. He doesn't say anything at first. Just silently assesses me. I don't let it bother me though. I've done the whole stare down thing in meetings before.

"I take it you know who I am?" He asks.

"I have a feeling, but I'm not one to assume anything."

Yep. This is him. The guy who hurt Lil, her ex-fiancé. I don't know whether to be shocked that he knows who I am or pissed and punch him in his face. I guess I'm a bit of both, and because I know Lil would be upset if I hit him, I refrain.

"What can I do for you?"

"I'm not entirely sure, Mr. Knight. I didn't really have any kind of speech prepared for this. Once perhaps, but now." He takes a breath and a sip of his caffeine. "Has she told you what happened?"

I nod. "Some...most I believe."

"Then let me try and fill you in. She refuses to speak with me, and I can see why. I hurt her, and that's something I can never take back. However, I am not a spiteful person even if she made you believe otherwise."

"Let me stop you right there," I say as I hold up one hand. "Lillian has made no accusations nor has she ever spoken ill of anyone she's mentioned to me. I doubt the woman has a hateful bone in her entire body. I would appreciate it if you kept comments like that to yourself."

He tenses at my outburst, but that doesn’t deter him from continuing. "Forgive me. I'm not here to give you the third degree or beg to see her. She's her own person, and if she finds it in her heart to forgive me, I’ll gladly accept what I can.” He clears his throat, takes a sip of his coffee, then begins again, "I saw you here and thought I would speak with you about what I wanted to tell Lil...Lillian."

"I can't promise to relay a message, but if she asks I’ll tell her."

He nods his head in agreement. "I saw you both a few months before our wedding day. I wanted to surprise her for lunch, and I knew where she'd be. It's her favorite spot. Did you know?"

I try to think back to the day in question. Lil showed me many of her favorites over the course of three weeks, but her favorite place instead of her favorite things.
Wait.
The lone swing.

"The calm within the storm," I say plainly reiterating the nickname she gave the white swing hanging from a huge tree in a small park not far from her house.

"She called it that?" He questions pulling my thought away from what Lillian looked like that day.

"Yeah. She said it was a peaceful place in the middle of chaos. I believe she got it right."

A smile tugs at his lips, and I know he must be remembering something about Lil too. The green tinge of jealousy is there, but I push it back with the thought of her smile for me.

"I went to surprise her. She would usually either be in that swing or laying on the grass with her camera in her hand. The woman loves to take pictures."

"I'm well aware," I interject, a hint of a growl escapes my lips.

"What stopped me was the way she looked at you. Even from across the park, there was no denying her feelings. It cut me deeper than any knife could. I stood there for almost twenty minutes watching you two talk and laugh. It was one of the worst kinds of pain I've ever felt."

Without really knowing who Damon was, I could at least tell he was honest about this. If I went through what he did, I'm sure I would feel the same way. The woman I'm in love with showing those emotions to another man would definitely rip me open. But I feel the need to explain since he's never gotten that yet.

"Lil and I were only friends. She made that plain the day I met her...here actually," as I make a motion to the coffee shop. "I am not the kind of man who would deliberately disregard a woman's commitment, and she's not the type of woman who takes commitment lightly." Trying to bring home the point we never did anything because Lil was committed to him.

"Understood. However, it's not what we had that gave me a change of heart." He takes a deep breath like he's about to say something monumental. "I've always loved Nora. She just kept pushing me on Lily. So, instead of getting a brush off again, I started dating Lillian. I grew to love her despite my feelings for Nora. I never told Lily because I didn't want to hurt her and know I felt that way toward her best friend. Instead, I decided to push out my love for Nora and focus on my relationship with Lily.

"Which brings me back to what I saw in the park. I knew it then. While Lillian loved me, she would never look at me like she looked at you. And, regrettably, I would never look at her like I look at Nora.

"It took me some time to open up to Nora about my feelings for her, and at first, she was upset at me and rightfully so. I mean I was engaged to her best friend and was in love with her. How is that ever a good combination?” He lets out a drawn out sigh. “Let me tell you. It's not."

What Damon is saying is not only hitting home; it's driving it there. It's cementing what I figured out yesterday. I need to talk to Addison and explain. She'll be upset I'm sure, but I'd rather her be upset than hating me. I still want to be friends; I just can't give her what she needs from me.

"She's in love with you even if she won't admit it."

"Damon, I don't thi-"

"Man, I know you're smarter than that," He replies matter of factly.

I sigh and fiddle with my coffee cup. Should I say this out loud? I'm sure it would probably piss him off, but this man just told me a brief history. My brother mentioned this before, but I didn't know a few weeks ago. I didn't want to ever assign a name to the feeling.

"I'm in love with her."

He nods his head in approval. "She's a great woman as I'm sure you already know. Treat her right."

Damon stands and offers his hand. "I appreciate the chat."

"Likewise." And then he turns to leave through the glass door.

I sit silently replaying my conversation with Damon. Even though I think he waited too long to come clean with Lil, I'm glad he didn't marry her out of obligation. He said he knows she loves me, but that hasn’t ever been discussed. It's definitely a hurdle we need to cross, and I'm hoping we can do that when we get back home.

With renewed purpose, I make my way outside and call a cab. I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I know what I'm looking for. It might be too soon, but something tells me I’ll be needing it.

******

"Is there a particular place you wanna eat our last night in town?" I ask as Lil as we stroll along the streets, Lil taking pictures and me watching her work.

"Can we invite my parents?"

"Of course. I would never deny you time with your folks."

"What about GrillSmith's?"

"Do they have steak? I could really go for one now."

"Of course. I would never deny you time with a steak," She jokes.

"Come on woman." I grip her wrist and pull her toward the hotel. "Call your parents and see if they wanna go while we head back to the hotel to get ready."

She laughs, and I have a feeling it's going to be like this with us. Always joking and laughing and having a good time. Lillian makes me feel free from the confines from constant work. It's great to have someone to share time with that lets you be yourself and is willing to offer themselves up in return.

******

As Lil gets ready in her hotel room, I quickly get ready in mine. I didn't disclose my meeting with Damon. I feel guilty about it to some degree. As much as I like the fact Damon and I had a civil conversation and things were brought to light, I still have this feeling I'm lying to her. It's something I'm going to rectify on our flight back tomorrow.

My cell dings with a message and I grab it before putting on my shoes. It's my brother.

I need to get with you when you come home.

Nothing wrong just wanna get with my bro.

Well, that's a relief. The company didn't fall apart or my apartment didn't burn down.

Sure. How about the 2nd? I know I'll have

some things to catch up on at work, but that'll

give me two days to get back to normal.

His reply is instant.

My place at 5.

As I start to place the phone in my pocket it's starts to ring. I don't bother to check and see who it is.

"Brayden Knight."

"Hey you ready?" Lillian. I would recognize her voice anywhere.

"Yeah. You're parents decided to come?"

"They're in the lobby waiting on us. You take too long."

I let out a laugh. "No I don't. You women take way longer than us men."

"Bet?" Oh this is definitely going to be a good night.

"Alright. What are we going to wager?"

"If I'm right, then you have too...buy me dinner when we get back home."

Little does she know I would do that anyway, but I'll let her stew on that for a while.

"And if I win?"

"I dunno. You pick."

Oh this has to be something she's not expecting. Something so I can spend more time with her. Think.