Double Clutch (33 page)

In my room that night, I laid out different outfits. I wanted to look cute, but stay warm. And I didn’t want to wear something too dressy. Jake was riding a dirt bike, after all. But I wanted to look good, because I guessed we would head to the Folly concert without coming back to my house to change.

I finally settled on a pair of skinny jeans and a custom made Folly shirt. It was the one with Kelsie and Chris on it, but I had made it on a long-sleeved black v-neck t-shirt, so it was slightly different than the ones at the concert would be. I would wear my hair long and straight and I decided to pull out the navy blue, high, lace-up leather boots I got in Sweden because they were technically outdoor boots even if they were gorgeous and finely detailed, and I would be tromping through the mud in them. I laid Kelsie’s necklace out, impressed by the bead work and my friend’s incredible talent.

Before bed, I wet and trimmed my bangs. It was a little scary the first time I ever attempted it, but I like them to be right above my eyebrows, and if I didn’t trim them myself, I’d have to go to the salon every two weeks. I had watched a few YouTube videos and read two online articles; it’s shocking how much information there is about cutting your own bangs online. And I did a good job. They were even and looked really good. More importantly, cutting them took my mind off of all the emotions that tumbled through me about the next day.

Finally, there was nothing else I could do to stall. And just when I was getting desperate, the phone rang.

“
Jake,” I said automatically, but it wasn’t Jake.

“
Brenna.” The voice on the other end slurred.

“
Saxon?” My head spun. Why was he calling so late? I could hear music and laughing and yells in the background. “Where are you?”

“
Partying. His voice was heavy and angry around the word. “I want you.”

“
Enough,” I hissed. “I’m with Jake, I love him. I don’t love you.”

He laughed, a hard sound. “I don’t
love
you either.” He had obviously been drinking. “I just
want
you.”

“
I’m hanging up now.” I was irritated I hadn’t checked the number before I dove for the phone.

“
What if I change my mind about telling Jake?” he threatened.

I thought about how brave Jake had been, telling me about the things he had done that made him so ashamed. I listened, and Jake thanked me for not judging. But I had been full of shit.

I judged him. I looked down my nose at him, while I did the same and worse. When Jake had slept with those girls, he hadn’t had anyone to care about. He hadn’t had me.

But I had Jake. And I was gutless. I was letting things go too far with Saxon. I was letting my fascination with someone sick and warped potentially ruin the best thing I had ever had with anyone.

“
Tell him.” There was no fear when I said it. I even laughed at him. “But I know you won’t. If you don’t have it to hold over my head, you won’t have any power over me, will you? You’re counting on Jake being so pissed at me that he breaks up. You’re counting on me running to you.”

“
Jake will be pissed,” Saxon slurred. “And I will be here.”

“
You’ve always underestimated Jake.” I shook my head. “So have I. We’re the stupid ones. Because Jake is stronger and braver and more honest than either one of us. I’ve been scared to tell him, but that’s because I’ve been expecting him to react the way I would.”

Saxon laughed right back at me. “He will, Bren. Jake’s only human, no matter how much you want to make him into some kind of damn saint. He’s going to do what a human guy would do. He’s going to dump you.” The last words came out in a sneer.

“
No he won’t.” I refused to let Saxon burrow in my head. This was his favorite game, and I had to keep that in perspective.

His voice was dark and mean. “Try it. And when it all falls apart, I’ll be here. Waiting for you. ‘Cause you and me, we’re the same kind of people. We don’t deserve anybody but each other.”

I clicked the phone off and chucked it on the bed. I hated that I was letting him do this to me. I hated that he made me doubt Jake.

But I doubted. How could I not? I had betrayed Jake’s trust, and I was honest enough to know that even if Saxon and I hadn’t technically done anything to constitute cheating, I had crossed a line that I wasn’t comfortable with. If Jake had done the same things with another girl that I’d done with Saxon, I would have been heartbroken.

I had used Jake’s past against him. I had let him feel guilty for what he had done, and I had used it to justify my own shady conduct.

I realized I had to make a decision for myself. I had to be as brave as Jake had been.

When the phone rang again, I picked up and felt my throat close like I was going to cry.

“
Hello? Brenna?” It was Jake’s voice. “Brenna are you there?” He sounded worried, a little wild.

About me.

“
Jake.” The tears started. “I need to talk to you.”

“
Go ahead, baby,” he said softly. “I’m right here.”

“
I don’t think I can do it over the phone. I have to tell you…I have to tell you some things I’m not…I don’t…” By now I was crying so hard, I wasn’t making any sense.

“
Calm down. I’ll be there in ten minutes.” The phone clicked off, and I paced my room for the ten longest minutes of my life. Just when I was in control enough to call Jake back and tell him not to worry, I heard a light knock on my window.

I lifted it open, and Jake was there, mud smudged on his face and clothes. He looked panicked. “I got here as soon as I could. Did something happen? Tell me what’s wrong.”

“
Where’s your truck?” I glanced out the window.

“
I parked down the street, off on the side. No one will see it.” He shivered a little.

“
Do you want to come in?” I decided to tell him everything, but not hanging out the window in the freezing night air.

“
I’m covered in mud. Your room is totally clean.”

“
Leave your clothes under the window, behind the azaleas.”

“
The what?” Jake asked, his voice a few feet away.

“
The bushes.” I heard him scurry around, and then he hoisted himself as quietly as he could into my bedroom window wearing just his boxers, his shoulders hunched and his body shaking with cold. I ran and grabbed a towel from the bathroom, then wiped him off and led him to my bed. We stood together at the side.

“
Are you sure?” His look told me he wouldn’t blame me one bit if I sent him back into the frigid night.

I nodded, even as every fear and nerve in my body screamed at me, telling me this was risky and stupid and would not end well. Thorsten could stick his head in to check on me, Mom could get up and need to see me. But the risks didn’t outweigh the benefits for me.

I pulled the covers back, got into my bed and held my arms out. Jake climbed in next to me, his skin clammy and cold against mine. I wrapped my arms around him, and pulled his body close, cocooning him with my warmth. I ran my fingers through his hair, pressing it back off his face.

“
What’s wrong, baby?” he asked. “Why are you so sad?”

I realized then my eyes stung. Wet sloppy tears trailed down my face. Jake put his hand up to my cheeks and wiped them away as they fell.

“
I’ve been a liar to you.” I said the words slowly, so he wouldn’t miss them.

He waited for me to go on, his gray eyes trusting. The only light in my room was from my iPod dock, so there was a blue glow and nothing else.

“
Tell me. It’s no good to keep it in.”

He was wise for how young we were, I realized. He was kind and understanding and wise, and I had completely underestimated him. The tears ran faster, and I had this choking sense of fear. I was so afraid I would tell him and I would see those eyes change. I didn’t know how I would be able to stand it if I saw anger and, worse, disappointment. What if he didn’t want to be with me? What if he got so mad he got up and left and that was it? I cried a little harder, and the tears turned into choking sobs.

“
Brenna.” He smoothed my hair back with big, rough hands. “I’m here for you. Whatever it is, I won’t be mad at you.”

“
You…you can’t say that. You can’t…you can’t know that.” I was having a hard time breathing.

“
Shh,” he whispered against my ear. “Don’t worry. I do know that. I love you. I can’t be mad at you.”

So I grabbed onto his words and took them at face value. I put my hands over my face because I didn’t have the guts to look at him while I confessed, and I started at the beginning, the day I met Saxon. I didn’t leave anything out. I didn’t smooth over anything. I told him what I felt and thought. A heavy blanket of shame crept over me. I was so wrapped up in my story, I couldn’t pay any attention to Jake’s reactions. The last thing I told him about was Saxon’s call, just before his. I heard him suck his breath in, but he didn’t say a word.

When I was done, there was just silence in the room, deafening, complete silence. I peeled my hands back from my eyes and looked at him in the dim light, holding my breath against my worst fears.

“
Jake?” My voice wobbled.

“
Yeah?” I heard his voice crack a little. I couldn’t see his face clearly, and I was relieved because I really didn’t want to see him crying.

“
Do you want to break up?” I could hear how pathetic and scared my voice was, but I didn’t care. “Because I don’t blame you if you do.”

“
No.” He laughed sadly around what were definitely tears. “I, uh, just know how you must feel knowing I was with other people.”

“
But you weren’t since we were together.” Even though he couldn’t see my face, I hid it behind my hands in the dark, ashamed of how out of control things had gotten. “You should be so pissed at me right now.”

“
I am a little pissed, but I also understand better than you think. And, no, I haven‘t been with anyone else since I met you.” I reached out to touch him. My hand strayed up past his chest and I felt the rapid beat of his heart. “But I fell for you really hard, Bren.”

“
I fell for you hard, too. I’m not blaming this on Saxon, but there were a lot of weird situations that I didn’t know how to handle. I messed up, Jake, and he kind of took advantage. He thought I wouldn’t have the guts to tell you, and he kept threatening me with it.”

I felt Jake go rigid. “That asshole. Don’t ever think you can’t tell me. I swear to God, I will never turn my back on you. No matter what.”

“
I got pulled into his bullshit. That’s all there is to say, I guess. I thought I was smarter than him, but he’s tricky.” I took a deep breath, because this was the hardest thing for me to admit to Jake. “I also…underestimated you, Jake. I didn’t think I could tell you the truth. And I looked down on you when you told me about all the stuff you’d done with other girls. I thought you didn’t have any self control, but the whole time, I was doing the same thing. And I wasn’t drunk.”

He pulled me close to him. Our faces were just inches apart. “I love you. And I’m glad you trusted me to tell me. I can’t say I’m happy about this, but I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to lie or not tell me something.”

I pressed my mouth to his, suddenly needing to kiss him and feel him against me. Being in my bed with him, under my covers, it felt like we were the only two people who existed on Earth. I forgot about everyone else, forgot about Saxon completely, even forgot Mom and Thorsten. It was just me and Jake in our own little world.

“
It feels so good, being here with you.” His voice was husky and deep. He kissed me again, slowly. “You’re really warm.” He sighed and kissed my neck.

“
You are too. You are now.” I wrapped my arms around him.

“
I don’t want to leave you,” he said, his voice torn.

“
Stay for a little bit,” I begged.

I felt him try to get up, but I held on to him. I kissed him and touched him, even though he told me not to. Soon our hands were all over each other, our lips were all over each other and the thought of him leaving was enough to make me feel like I couldn’t breathe. We kept our voices muffled and let our hands move slowly. He didn’t stop me when I moved my hand under his boxers, and when he finished, he laid me on my back, his hands making me squirm and press against him until my body broke into a thousand pieces, and I moaned at the incredible perfection of it. We fell asleep with our faces close, tucked against each other like two puzzle pieces.

When I opened my eyes, the sky outside my window was gray-pink with dawn. Jake was up and creeping out the window.

“
Were you leaving without saying goodbye?”

He started at my voice, then came back to sit next to me. “Yeah. It took me fifteen minutes to scare myself enough to get out of bed. I am not getting caught sneaking in your window the day I’m supposed to meet your mom.” He leaned towards me and kissed me softly. The bed was still warm where he had been. “I’m getting a little addicted to you. It’s hard to leave you.”

“
You need to go back to sleep when you get home.” I traced his face with my fingers. “Your race is today.”

“
Screw the race.” He grinned and kissed my nose. “Last night was the best night of my life. So far.” He ran his hand over my hair and kissed me again.