Double Clutch (27 page)

“
I know this stuff.” I was glad I had the cold to blame all my shaking on. “Jake told me everything he remembers.”

Saxon snorted. “Well, that’s not everything, trust me, Blix. That night, there was a girl there. No good. She was looking to get pregnant. She wanted to hook Jake.”

“
How do you know?” I tried hard not to look too shocked. Pregnant? Who would want to get pregnant in high school? Had it happened?

He shook his head. “You wouldn’t get it. You come from a whole different world. She wanted to make sure Jake stuck around. He’d slept with her before, but didn’t even remember her name. She was talking about it. How she’d tried poking holes in the condom with another guy. Whatever, she was a skank.” Saxon’s eyebrows were pushed low over his eyes.

“
What does this have to do with Jake’s mom?” My head spun so hard I wanted to sit down or lean against something. But there was nothing near me except for Saxon, and I wasn’t about to lean on him.

“
His mom was the worst mom imaginable.” Saxon practically spit. “She was more interested in who she could get in the sack than taking care of Jake. Once, she got drunk and told Jake’s dad that she didn’t even know if Jake was his.”

“
Oh my God.” Was that why Jake and his dad had such a tense relationship?

“
Anyway, her dying was the best thing that could have happened to Jake. And it was like, as soon as she was gone, he started to put the worst elements of her back into his life. Like some kind of miserable-ass tribute to the worst mother on earth.” Saxon shook his head and ground his teeth. “I told Jake he was about to sleep with a no good whore like his mother.”

“
Saxon!” I cried. It didn’t matter what your background or how cool you might be, no one could cross the mother line. I could only imagine Jake’s fury when Saxon said that about him mother. His mother who had died so young. “It doesn’t matter what his mom did. She’s still his mom, and you had no right saying anything about her.”

“
Bullshit!” Saxon yelled, pointing a finger so close to my face I backed up. His breathing was heavy and his eyes were bright and furious. “No one cared about that kid the way I did! No one! He was like a brother to me, and I wasn’t about to watch him ruin his life!”

“
What did you do?” I closed my eyes against his answer, waiting for the events of the night to be revealed by the only person who really knew. And I had the distinct feeling I wouldn’t like what I heard.

“
I punched him in the face, tried to knock his ass out.” Saxon’s voice was rough. “But he’s tougher than he looks. I just wound up chipping his tooth. So I stole his shoes so he couldn’t leave on foot and told one of my friends to let him sleep with her.” He looked at my face. “Not like that, Blix. He was out of it anyway. When he woke up, I let him blame it all on me, the whole night, the drinking, his whorishness. I’m glad I did, too. He stopped hanging out with those losers, me included. He hasn’t had a drink since, he got a job, stopped screwing up in school. It’s everything I ever wanted for him.” Saxon hung his head. “It’s the best thing for him.”

“
But you had to give him up.” I felt tremors that had nothing at all to do with the temperature. I wanted to wrap my arms around Saxon, because I knew the pain and loss that overwhelmed him was completely real. And no one understood better than I did what it was like to care about Jake and worry that he might be gone.

“
Yeah.” Saxon stared at the tops of his shoes. “But if I hadn’t, who knows what stupid shit he would have gotten himself into? I shouldn’t talk; I exposed him to most of it. Whatever.”

“
You miss him.” The realization hit me like a bolt of lightning. “You don’t
hate
Jake at all. You
miss
him.”

“
We were friends since before pre-school. So, yeah, I miss him. But it’s easier this way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.” He looked at me and grabbed my shoulders. “Don’t screw with this, Blix. I’d like it if he didn’t out-and-out hate my guts, but I don’t want him to know the whole story. You’re the only one who knows, so I know whose ass to kick if it gets back to him.”

But he didn’t hold me like he wanted to kick my ass. He rubbed his thumbs on my shoulders. Then he pulled me against him and pressed his forehead to mine.

“
We can’t do this, Saxon.” I could feel the pain radiating off of him in waves, and I wanted to still it for him. I wanted to hold him tight and tell him it would be okay. But if I did that, nothing would be okay again.

“
I know.” His hands pressed harder, until they bit into my shoulders, but I didn’t tell him to stop. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Jake. You’re so damn good for him.”

“
I really care about him,” I said, my breathing heavy. I could smell Saxon, and it was a musky, sharp smell that turned me on even though I didn’t want it to.

“
You’d be…you’d be so good for me, Brenna. Being with you, it would be a total game changer. Who knows what we’d be able to do?” His voice was so low I almost couldn’t hear him. “I’ve given up Jake. Now I have to give you up too?”

“
We can be friends.” I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t see the disappointment on his face.

I knew he wanted to kiss me. I knew he wanted to do more than that.

“
I don’t want to be your God damn friend,” he said, pronouncing each word carefully.

“
That’s all there is for us,” I said, then pushed away hard and broke his hold on me. I didn’t have my jacket or my backpack, but I needed to get out of there. I saw my bike and bolted over to it.

“
Brenna, don’t be an idiot! Brenna! You don’t even have a coat on! Brenna!” Saxon screamed. I heard a long, loud stream of swear words, but it faded fast.

I pedaled like a maniac, trying to keep myself from getting too cold. The faster and harder I pumped, the better I felt. I made it to Tech in no time. I was early, but not by much. I slammed into the school and ran to the cafeteria. I walked in and looked around at the students crowded at tables eating and joking. Jake sat apart from a group of kids, his arms crossed and his face sullen. He seemed to sense I was looking at him. His head snapped up and he kicked his chair back and strode over to me fast.

“
Brenna, you’re freezing.” He pulled his thermal off, popped it over my head, and rubbed his hands up and down over my arms. He had one of his threadbare t-shirts on underneath. “What are you doing here so early?”

And then I was crying, my face on his chest. Jake put his arm around me and walked me out of the crowded cafeteria where we were drawing way too much attention. He led me into a deserted stairwell and frantically pressed my hair back and shushed me. “What’s wrong, Brenna? Don’t cry, baby. What’s wrong?”

“
I’m sorry!” I wailed. “I didn’t want to mess things up with you!”

He pulled me into his arms and ran a hand from the crown of my head down my back. “Are you crazy? I messed things up. Don’t cry, shh.” He kissed me quickly, warmly. “Don’t cry, babe. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten all self-righteous on you. If you want to strip on a pole…well, I’ll stand guard with a gun, but I’ll support you. You haven’t made a fraction of the mistakes I’ve made. I’m the one with a screwed up perspective.”

“
That’s not true,” I said, though it was in a lot of ways. “But I have to tell you something, and I don’t know how.”

“
Just tell me.” His face looked so trusting. “Just tell me. There’s nothing I would be mad about. I promise.”

I laughed shortly. “You can’t promise that, Jake. You can’t predict how you’ll react.”

“
Nothing you say is going to make me pissed off, okay?” He brushed his thumbs under my eyes, pushing away stray tears.

“
Saxon and I…” I started, unsure what exactly to say.

Then I saw Jake’s eyes harden with a deep hate, much deeper than I’d anticipated. His hands on my arms tightened.

“
Jake, ow. My arms.”

“
Sorry. I’m so sorry.” He rubbed them, his eyes frantic. “What about you and Saxon?” His words were razor sharp.

“
He and I are in class together,” I began lamely. “And he told me you two were good friends.” Why did I back down again? I should tell him the whole truth!

“
I told you that.” The crazy gleam left his eye, and there he was again. It was such a relief to see his face looking so tender, I decided partial truth was the best I could manage.

“
But I think he wants to be friendly again. He wants you and him to get along. I think.” I wanted to tell him more. I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to him, but there was too much at stake, too much to lose.

“
Why were you so upset about that?” Jake dipped his head to look at me.

“
Because…” I was standing right on the line of truth and lies. I didn’t want to have Saxon come between me and Jake, but telling Jake might blow everything up. He needed to make peace with Saxon. “Because I don’t think Saxon likes me very much. And I think that’s standing in the way of him reaching out to you.”

He looked at me for a long minute, and I expected him to call me on my bald lie and walk away. Instead he smiled. I looked at his adorable chipped tooth and thought of Saxon’s fist making it. “You’re so wrong.” Jake laughed. “Saxon likes you. A lot. A whole lot more than makes me comfortable, actually. I can see it in the way he looks at you. He’s not used to not getting what he wants. But you’re mine.” And the glint was back, this time not as maniacal, but still pretty damn unsettling.

“
Maybe we can just come to a truce?” I begged.

“
Whatever makes you happy,” Jake said with an easy smile. “C’mon out here. I’ve got a big surprise for you.”

We left the school and went to the parking lot. Jake led me to a big blue truck with huge tires, chipped paint, a crack in the windshield, and a huge bench seat with a few obviously patched tears. I looked at it for a long minute, then remembered where I had seen it. It was one of the few pictures on Jake’s Facebook page.

“
Your truck? How did you get it here?”

“
I became a full time worker at Zinga’s last week.” He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and slid out a small plastic card. I took it from his hand and saw his face, looking uncharacteristically stern.

“
This is a license,” I said stupidly.

“
A farmer’s license,” he explained. “They only give it out if you can prove you work full time on a farm or your family operates one. That’s why I had to run in early yesterday. I wanted…” He ran a hand through his hair shyly. “I wanted to pick you up this morning, but I knew you were probably pretty pissed at me.”

“
Jake,” I breathed, and threw my arms around him. “I’m so happy for you. You’ve been dying for your license!”

“
I know.” He smiled that big dopey grin I loved. “It’s less than a month to my birthday, but I’m glad I got it a little earlier.” He pressed me up against the passenger side door. “I know you aren’t a bad girl…” His voice rumbled low in my ears. “But didn’t you say something about skipping school once in a while?”

“
Are you asking me to skip with you, Jake Kelly?” He smelled like clean soap, mint, sweat: Jake. I loved it. I couldn’t resist him. Just as easily as I’d pushed Saxon away, I pulled Jake in. “I think I will.”

“
Where’s your coat?” Jake pulled me around to the passenger’s side.

“
I left it at school.”

Jake looked at me questioningly, but he didn’t press. “Well, let’s go and get it.” He helped me into the truck and got in on the driver’s side. It was sexy watching him drive. Jake was the kind of guy who was born to drive. It was probably genetically programmed into him to be an amazing driver, and he did it really well, like it was no big deal. We pulled around the school and he parked, hopped out, and threw my bike in the back. Then we drove to Frankford and Jake walked in with me. He handed me a hall pass.

“
Where did you get this?” I stared at the little green pass.

“
All county high schools use the same ones.” He smiled sheepishly. “I swiped mine from the front office at the beginning of the year.”

I shook my head and filled them out. We shouldn’t have worried about it. The halls were empty. We headed down the back hall to my locker and were ready to leave two minutes later, when a familiar voice broke through our self-enforced quiet.

“
Hey Jake.” Saxon leaned lazily against the wall. His eyes flicked to me. “Blix.”

It was like he’d appeared out of nowhere. Jake threw him a stony look.

“
We were just going, Saxon.” I shoved my arms into my jacket and grabbed my backpack from Jake’s hands. Jake had that weird Jekyll and Hyde gleam in his eye.

“
Wait. I’ve got something to say to Saxon first.” Jake stomped close to him. “Stay away from Brenna, you lying bastard.”

Saxon didn’t even cringe, and Jake looked big and fierce.

“
I’m pretty sure Brenna can determine who she wants to be around for herself, Jake. Or don’t you trust her?” He looked at me, his smile menacing and gorgeous. “I mean, you two are always honest with each other, right? No lies. No half-truths.”

“
Shut your damn mouth!” Jake yelled and slammed Saxon up against the lockers. “You always had that ability, didn’t you?” He was right in Saxon’s face, and Saxon traded his lazy look for a predatory snarl. It was impossible to tell who was more furious. “You could turn any situation in your favor. You could make anyone swallow your bullshit and believe it was the truth. Not me, not anymore.”