Double Clutch (22 page)

He let out a groan and just then I heard a light knock on my door. “I have to call you back.” I slid the phone off and looked intently at the mounds of paper and books piled on my bed so it would appear like I had been busy plowing through homework.

“
I’m going to turn in for the night.” Mom walked in and kissed my head.

“
Love you, Mom.” I fought hard to keep my voice and face and expression normal. And just the trying raised her Mom-Alert.

“
What’s the matter, Bren?” Her eyes searched my face.

“
Just a lot of school work,” I lied.

“
Is it too much? I think you should reconsider going to two high schools. It takes a lot out of you. I know you enjoy what you’re doing at technical school, but let’s face it, you’re going to go to college, honey. You need to focus on academics.” Mom sat on the bed and smoothed my hair away from my face. I leaned my cheek into her hand and loved the super soft brush of her palm on my skin.

“
It’s not that. I think it’s just an adjustment.” That word had power. It gave me time and leeway.

“
Well, keep what I said in mind. High school is supposed to be fun. I don’t like the way you’re always worrying lately.”

“
Lately?” I asked, surprised.

“
I’ve just noticed you seem a little distracted.” She smiled at me like she understood, but I realized she couldn’t possibly. What Mom saw was the Jake effect.

“
It’s still a little weird being the new girl.” I hated lying to Mom, but omission was okay in a twisted way.

“
You’ll get to relax tomorrow anyway. Snow day.” Mom beamed.

“
Already?” They usually waited until early morning to call something like that.

“
They just flashed it on the news before I came to say goodnight. I think it’s probably that they don’t have the resources together for an October storm. It’s freaky weather we’re having.” She squeezed me close. “You’re going to be spoiled with all these three day weekends.”

“
I don’t think I’ll ever have it any better than an entire year off,” I pointed out.

“
Good point. Now, I’m going to bed. Tomorrow we can have a cocoa and candles date.” She kissed me again and left.

I held my phone in my hand, thinking about how nice things had been last year. Mom and I had been able to relax and tour Denmark a little. Thorsten had been happy to be home again. I had been a little lonely, but happy, too.

That life already felt really far away. I was sad that it was gone, even though I knew there was no going back to it. What I had now, with Jake, had changed my very definition of happiness. If I had never met him, it might have been different. But now that I had known him, it was unthinkable that I might not know him anymore or be close to him or have him know me. And that’s what made me dial his number again, even though I had been close to crying when we hung up before.

“
Brenna?” His voice sounded weird and tight like mine. I couldn’t imagine him crying, but I’d never heard his voice sound that way before.

“
I had to go. My mom needed to talk to me.”

“
Did you talk about how to get rid of loser boyfriends?” He sounded a little sad for himself.

That was irritating.

“
No. Believe it or not, I have more things to talk about than you, Jake.” It felt good to shoot him down a little, even if the only reason I didn’t talk to Mom about him was because I was scared out of my mind for her to know Jake existed the way he did for me.

“
I’m sorry, Brenna,” he said in a rush. “I’m sorry I got so pissed before, and I’m sorry I assumed your world revolves around me. This is a freaking mess.”

“
Yep.” I let my mouth pop around the word. Now that he was taking the blame for our fight, I was fully prepared to let him accept it all. If he would just tell me what was up with him and Saxon, I wouldn’t have to play guessing games with him.

“
So, how do I fix it?” His voice was worn and tired.

I felt a tiny pinprick of pity for him, even though I didn’t want to. I think it was because I knew Jake was sweet and caring and good; I knew he was in Saxon’s web as much as I was. So I went easy on him. “You have to be more understanding. Just because I take a ride with Saxon doesn’t mean he’s my boyfriend, or even my friend. I want to go see you, but I haven’t told my mom about us yet, so it’s kind of weird getting a ride.”

That last fact sat heavy between us on the line.

“
Oh,” Jake said flatly. “Are you going to tell her?”

“
I want to.” We both knew it was a weak response.

“
Do you think she wouldn’t approve of me?”

No. I knew she wouldn’t. Even if, by some miracle, she fell in love with Jake, she was still against my having a boyfriend at all. And the problem would be, once she knew I was with someone, she would start watching me more. If I was sad, she’d blame him; if I was angry, she’d blame him. I just knew that’s how it would be with my mother. Her love was incredible, but also a little claustrophobic.

But I didn’t even have the energy or the language to explain that all to Jake. “My mom doesn’t want me to date.” I left it at that.

“
Oh.” He sounded a little relieved. “So she would hate any guy?”

I thought about her gaga behavior with Saxon. “Yes,” I lied.

He laughed softly. “Am I crazy for feeling like that makes it a little better?”

“
No.” I grabbed the book with his picture in it and flipped it open to his smile.

“
Are we okay, Brenna? If I screwed this up…” He didn’t say anything else, but I could hear the strain in his voice.

“
You didn’t,” I promised. “When you’re ready, you can tell me about Saxon. Once I know, it will make things easier. I know it will.”

Jake sighed. “That’s the thing with Saxon though.” There was a bitter ring to his words. “I’ll tell you the story, but I can’t really explain what exactly I have such a problem with. He can complicate things in a way no one else can.”

“
I think I might understand better than you think,” I said, remembering Saxon’s fingertip on my ankle.

“
Remember I told you I was drinking a lot that one summer?” I told him I did. “Well I stopped once before I stopped for good. I had been with a girl, and she thought we were going to go out, and she got really upset. She was alright, you know? I just didn’t want to date her.”

I felt my heart thud irregularly. “Okay.”

“
So I decided to stop because I realized I was hurting people I hardly even knew. Saxon was my best friend. Had been for years. He was the one who got the alcohol from his older cousin. When I said I wanted to stop, he called me a pussy, said I got soft over some slutty girl. Anyway, I wound up at a party and he was there. I told myself I wouldn’t drink, then I decided I’d just have one or two.” He was breathing hard.

“
You don’t have to tell me.” A big part of me wanted him to stop. There was a huge element of morbid curiosity, and I also wanted to know the honest truth, even if it was going to hurt. But I was in way over my head, and I had the distinct feeling I would drown in all of it.

“
I have to.” His voice shook hard. “Man, I should have just done this in one clip.” He stopped and took a ragged breath. “That night, Saxon was there, and I couldn’t stop drinking. He wasn’t doing anything I could put my finger on, but it was like I wanted to show him that I wasn’t a lightweight, or that I could control myself. It sounds so damn stupid now. But I got really, really drunk. That’s the night my tooth got chipped and I woke up in someone’s bed with no shoes. The girl told me Saxon had punched me in the mouth and broke my tooth. She told me he took my shoes and told her to take me to her house or he’d kill me.”

“
Why?” I was a little sad by how shocked I wasn’t.

“
I have no idea. I swear. I never talked to him again. I never answered his calls, I never went to another party. And I never drank after that night.”

“
Jake.” I sighed.

“
Yeah, I know. I hate a guy because I got drunk and he might have stolen my shoes and broke my tooth. It sounds ridiculous.”

“
No, it doesn’t.” I fell back on my bed and stared at the ceiling without seeing it at all. “Saxon has a way about him, and he’s tricky.”

We sat in silence, both of us thinking about how Saxon had managed to make us feel something we didn’t want to feel or do something we didn’t want to do.

“
He likes you Bren.” Jake’s voice was barely audible. “Oh God, he’s done this a hundred times with a hundred girls, but I never cared about any of them until now.”

“
You think I’d leave you to go out with Saxon?” I asked, my voice a little high with rage.

Finally, Jake laughed a little. “Well, when you get all bent out of shape like that it gives me hope that you won’t.”

“
I don’t like Saxon, Jake.” I debated telling him about Saxon’s annoying presence, about the kiss, about the ride. But, in the end, I felt like enough had been confessed. Or maybe I was just plain chicken.

“
He has a way of growing on people,” Jake warned.

“
Like a fungus,” I griped. He laughed again.

“
So, what are we going to do about Saturday?”

“
Don’t get pissed,” I started.

“
Brenna,” he said, his voice a little cracked. “I’m never pissed at you. I’ve been really unfair so far, and you’ve been nothing but awesome to me. Don’t hold back. I promise you, I won’t get pissed at anything you have to say.”

“
Saxon is kind of fishing for something. Let’s let him see we’re stronger than that. He seemed like he genuinely missed hanging out with you. Why don’t we let him see we can be together around him and it will be on our terms?”

As I said it, I felt a red WARNING sign flash in my head. Jake and I were amateurs. Saxon was the king of head games, and messing with him was only asking for trouble.

Despite those intensely sane reasons, I wanted to do this. And I wasn’t about to admit to myself the reasons why.

“
I don’t love the idea of you being alone with him.” I could tell he was moody by the clipped way the words fell out of his mouth.

“
Why don’t we ask Saxon to pick you up first?” I suggested. “Then you can both come and get me, and we’ll all go to Vernon.”

“
That’s a lot of driving for him,” Jake said uncertainly.

“
Are you worried about his gas mileage?” I laughed.

“
Do you think he’ll agree?” Jake asked, not even laughing with me.

“
Yes, I do.”

It took him a few seconds. “Okay. It’s a deal.” He was quiet again. “Do you mind if we talk about something else?”

“
I would love it.”

“
I wish I could see you right now.”

“
I know exactly how you feel.” I wriggled against my pillows.

“
What are you wearing?” His voice twined deep and low in my ears.

I felt a rash of goosebumps prickle over my skin. “A blue tank top and black underwear.”

He let a long breath crush out of his lungs. “It’s snowing out, Brenna,” he scolded, his voice a little shaky.

“
My mom keeps the heat on really high.” I ran my hand over the skin that peeked out in the gap between my tank and my underwear, and I wished it was Jake’s hand instead. “So what are you wearing?”

“
Just my boxers.” It was like I could feel his blush right through the phone.

“
Jake Kelly, it’s snowing,” I scolded back. I wondered what he looked like in just his boxers. I was sure that was the point of this whole game. We were supposed to wonder what the other would look like, feel like. I had never actually seen his chest and stomach, but I knew it would be rippled with muscle because I had felt it through his old shirts.

“
I don’t have pajamas or anything. I don’t know. If I had them I might wear them. This house lets so much wind in, you’d think you were outside.”

I felt the familiar sadness for Jake that bobbed up whenever I thought too much about where he lived or what his life was like outside of school. “Are you cold?”

“
Nah. I’ve got blankets. It would help if I had you here.”

“
How was work today?” I didn’t exactly want to get away from our topic, but it was making my head spin and my heart race, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

“
Crappy and cold. My hands feel like they’re going to fall off.”

“
Don’t you wear gloves?” I remembered how red and chapped his hands were when he walked me out after school this afternoon.

“
You can’t for everything. I drove the tractor today, and it’s hard to grip the steering wheel and the shift stick with gloves on. I’m just bitching, though, Brenna. Work was alright because this is the week that I get the big paycheck.” His voice glowed with pride.

“
What’s the big paycheck?” His enthusiasm was contagious, as usual, and I found myself free-falling into the excitement with him.

“
It’s the one that will fix my truck. I think it’ll get the motor going, and once that happens, I’m ready for my license.”

I laughed, because he sounded like such a happy little kid. “You can’t wait to get your license, huh?”