Double Clutch (24 page)

“
It felt really good.” My voice sounded completely dreamy in my own ears.

“
Very glad I could help.” I looked at his profile, the funny crooked smile and his messy hair, and I kissed his ear.

“
Did you come?” I put my mouth close to his ear.

“
No.” He turned to look at me. “I don’t need to.”

“
I think you might want to reconsider that.” I looked right at his pants where he was still obviously big and hard.

“
I’ll take care of it later.”

“
Is there, um,…is there something I could do?” And I did want to. When my fingers were almost where they shouldn’t have been, I’d wanted to go farther. I was curious about his body, and I wanted a little of the power I knew would come when I touched him. I had been thinking about him, dreaming about him, and I wanted to touch him, plain and simple.

“
Brenna.” He groaned and slung an arm over his eyes. “Don’t do this to me.”

“
Do what? I want to help.” I brushed my lips over his cheekbone and his forearm, the one covering his eyes.

“
Are you sure?” he asked, his voice choked.

“
Of course. I want you to be happy.”

He took my hand and guided it down his pants, and left it where I had stopped before. He undid the button of his jeans and unzipped the zipper. He dipped his hand under the band of his boxers and pushed them down, exposing his penis.

I tried not to look too shocked, but it was the first time I had ever seen one close up. I couldn’t judge very accurately, but it looked big to me. It was surprisingly pink. I ran my hand lightly over it and he shuddered a little. I was surprised it was so hard but also really smooth and soft, and that it was so warm.

“
What do you like?” I asked.

He still had one hand over his eyes. I couldn’t tell if he felt embarrassed, or if he was just overwhelmed. “I use lotion,” he said, and I could see him blush. “And I just…uh, rub it.”

I hopped off of my bed and got a tube of hand lotion. I squirted some in my hand and wrapped my fingers around it uncertainly. I rubbed up and down.

“
Like this?” I asked.

He put his hand over mine and squeezed more than I would have thought would be comfortable. He helped me set a rhythm and after a few seconds, he removed his hand. It was just me, touching Jake in the most intimate way in the quiet of my room. I watched his face, and saw his mouth was hanging open slightly. He had moved his hands to his sides, and his fingers were balled into fists around the covers. His eyes were screwed tightly shut, and it almost looked like he was in pain. Soon he was jerking his hips up slightly, and I moved faster, when he suddenly half sat up and knocked my hand away, covering the tip of his penis quickly. He fell back and moaned, his hand still over his groin.

“
Brenna.” He shook his head and smiled.

I felt a strange sense of pride and the new uncertainty that I realized was normal when he and I did something new together for the first time.

“
Do you need a tissue or something?” I asked, returning his smile. He turned red and nodded.

I went the bathroom and grabbed a box from the closet, planning to keep it under my bed. I didn’t even want to think about why I did that instead of just grabbing a handful, because that would be admitting my true and complete deviant transformation. I stopped in front of the mirror and took a quick inventory.

Sometimes when I was a little kid, I’d look at my own reflection on my birthday and really expect to see a change I would notice. I felt that way, looking at myself after being with Jake. It was the same old me, but I expected something to look new or weird or changed. But it was just the same old Brenna.

I handed Jake the box and he mumbled a thank you, cleaned up and threw them in my wastebasket, then pulled his shirt back on.

He seemed suddenly sullen and quiet.

“
Jake, is something wrong?” I was surprised he wasn’t happier.

“
No.” He sat on the edge of my bed and his head hung down between his legs. “I just feel a little bad. Did I go too fast for you?”

“
It’s more than I’ve done,” I admitted. I sat next to him and put my arm around his waist, kissing his neck. “If I didn’t want it, I would have told you so. Do you believe me?”

“
Yeah.” He smiled crookedly. “You’re pretty direct. You’re actually really direct.” His voice changed, like he was shocked by my ‘directness.’

“
Is that bad?” I felt just a little offended.

“
No. Not at all. Just, before, I was always totally in control, if I can even say that. Because I was always drunk. And as far as I know, so was the girl.”

“
So, was this the first time you’ve fooled around sober?” That was a crazy thought.

“
Yeah.” He put his arms around me and dragged me on his lap. “But, more important, it’s the first time I’ve ever done that with you. Everything’s going to be really different with you.”

“
Because I’m so direct?” I narrowed my eyes at him. But I also felt a little rush of happiness. Because I wanted it to be better with me.

He laughed. “I meant it as a compliment. Was it really…um, was it really your first time?”

“
Yes! Was I terrible?” I wasn’t being humble; I really thought it was pretty awkward.

“
No,” he said solemnly, shaking his head. “Not at all. I’ve never been so turned on in my life.”

I kissed him and soon we were back to lying on the bed, kissing and holding. Now that he had come he wasn’t being as aggressive, but I liked it both ways.

I was kind of surprised I’d liked it so much. When Jake first told me about how he fooled around with so many girls, I thought it might be cheap or disappointing. I think the difference was I really cared about Jake, so instead of the whole thing being awkward, it felt freeing and safe and good. Really good.

He just held me, and I was breathing the smell of him in when he sat up in a panic.

“
What time is it, Bren?” He grabbed around for his boots.

I checked my bedside clock. “Three thirty. Why?”

“
Damn it, I’ve got to leave.” He pulled his boots on. “I still have work today.”

It was on the tip of my tongue to ask him to skip work, but I decided against it. Much as I wanted him around, I knew his job was really important to him, and he needed the money.

I walked him out the door and stood by while he put on his jacket and hat. The sun was already low, and it was getting colder by the minute. I shivered a little, and Jake pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

“
Go inside, Brenna. I don’t want you to be cold.” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms.

“
Okay.” But I couldn’t uproot myself from the spot right in front of him.

He kissed me again. “I’m so glad I got to see you. And I had a really good time.”

“
If there are no snowstorms, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I kissed him.

“
Are we going to talk tonight?”

“
Yeah, we will. Call me when you’re showered and in bed after work.” I hated catching him before he took some time to clean up and eat. I knew he would never turn down my phone call, which was sweet but so impractical.

“
I will.” He looked like he wanted to say something else. I thought about the last words he might have said on the phone the night before.

My heart was so full of feeling for him, it felt like it might rip open in my chest. The words he wanted to say were the same ones I wanted to say. I was feeling brave and good and free all at once.

I put my hands on his neck and pulled him close to me. “I love you, Jake,” I said. I meant it with every pulse of my heart.

His eyes went wide and for a minute he was perfectly still, just looking at me. Then he untied his tongue. “I love you, Brenna,” he said shakily, then leaned in and kissed me hard again.

The next instant he was on his dirt bike and flying through the wooded space behind our house, heading to Zinga’s and away from me for now. I went back into my room and lay on the bed where he and I had just been and wallowed in the sad emptiness of it.

The rest of the day went by quickly. I felt a little bit like I was in a daze. Mom called to tell me she had her office almost set up and was going to pick up Chinese food. I was glad to have her company at home, but I also felt an incredible sense of guilt when I thought about having Jake over. I cleaned up in the living room and kitchen, and even vacuumed and mopped the floors as a kind of self-imposed penance.

When my phone rang, I should have realized it was too early to be Jake, but I was keyed up and ready to hear his voice again. It made me a little happy that my heart sank at Saxon’s voice.

“
Hey Blix. We on for Saturday?”

“
I have to check with my mom,” I said honestly.

He snickered. “Didn’t have the guts to talk to Jake?”

“
Jake’s cool with it.” I was fully aware that I was seriously stretching the truth. “He was wondering if you could come get him first, you know, to help load up his bike and all that.”

The line was quiet for a while, then Saxon’s voice came over again, hot and deep. “Help with his bike, huh? Have you taken a look at Jake lately? He’s pretty jacked. I think he just wants to make sure there’s no Brenna and Saxon alone time. Am I right?”

“
I thought you wanted us to be friends. Why are you always looking for reasons to screw everything up?” The fact that Jake and I had shared what we did made me feel like I had a protective shell that Saxon couldn’t break through.

“
Cool it.” Saxon sounded upset, and I felt a thrill of triumph. Maybe Saxon didn’t hold all of the cards after all. Maybe I could play this game just as well as he could. “I’ll be at Jake’s Saturday morning to take him to the race. Do you want me to help with Mom? Maybe I can ask her for you?”

I felt my anger bubble up, but I forced it back down. “Don’t worry about it.” Maybe the shell wasn’t quite as thick as I would have liked. “By the way,” I said suddenly. “Tomorrow’s forecast is sunny and warm. Don’t come pick me up.”

“
Your mom and I had a deal.” His voice was sharp.

“
My mom won’t want me driving with you if the weather is so nice. She harped about your smoking all night after you left,” I lied. “I mean, I know my mom seems super sweet, but she’s just really old-fashioned about manners. She wouldn’t let up about you after you left.”

I could hear Saxon struggling on the line, trying to see through what I said and judge it as crap or not. But Saxon wasn’t me. Seeing through crap was
my
specialty. Dishing crap was his.

“
I didn’t check the weather,” he finally said.

“
Wow, it would be pretty pathetic of you to stoop to checking the weather every day. How about I just call you when I feel up for a ride?” I couldn’t help gloating a little at how effectively I turned the tables on him.

He chuckled. “You’re deceptively good, Blix. Just the perfect amount of bitch to be sexy.”

I felt my ears go hot. “Whatever, Saxon. I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” I threw my phone on my bed.

Mom and I chatted during dinner, and she turned in early, not even watching her favorite cop show. I guess it had been a long day for her. I went to my bedroom and did a little extra homework on Golding. I also read ahead for Government. I wanted to make sure I kept up with Saxon. I hated to give him the cocky satisfaction of doing better in class than I did. I also wanted to work on a special Folly shirt for Kelsie. I had come up with a design using a picture of Chris and her I had snapped a few days before. But mostly my reason for entering dork mode so completely was to keep myself out of huss mode. Because if my brain wasn’t bogged down with English boys gone crazy and Minnesota voting patterns, I would have been thinking about Jake Kelly and how good it felt to put my hands all over him today.

When the phone finally rang, my heart thudded with pure happiness.

“
Hello!”

“
Brenna.” Jake’s voice simmered in my ears. “How was the rest of your day?”

“
I missed you. But I cleaned the house and did homework. How about you?”

“
Just work. It was cold as hell, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” I heard a zipper in the background.

“
Are you taking off your jacket?”

“
Yeah. How did you hear that?”

“
Jake, you should take a shower and get ready for bed. Why didn’t you do that before you called me?” I didn’t like to think he was still freezing and achy. “What about dinner?”

“
I’m standing in my kitchen cooking right now.” I could hear him doing things in the background. I heard his keys hit the countertop and the cabinets bang open. I could hear the sharp clatter of the dishes he took out of the cabinet. “That’s so cute.”

“
What?” I demanded.

“
Your little bossy temper tantrums.” I heard a pan clang. “No one’s given a crap what I do in a long time.”

“
What’s for dinner?” My heart squeezed like it had been pressed into a vice thinking of Jake alone with no one to keep him company.

“
Hot dogs and beans. And a soda.”

“
You’re going to die,” I gagged. “That’s the most disgusting dinner imaginable.”