After everything they’d been through, Sabine had come to admire him. She could even admit she was attracted to him, but there was too much grief over Ben between them for anything to develop romantically.
“Being a loose cannon is part of her charm.”
Sabine wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Was Doug trying to compliment her in a roundabout way? If she was a loose cannon, he was about as impulsive as a piece of plywood. Talk about opposites attracting.
Steve looked around Doug. His eyes zeroed in on her. “You have one week.”
“A week!”
“That’s all I’m giving you. Seven days from now I expect to get a call from the security guards at Langley asking if I’ll authorize your admittance.”
Sabine nodded. That was the best offer she was likely to get. “Done.”
She reached up and clasped the flower on her necklace, one of the last gifts she’d received from Ben. A peace offering for the way he had blown up after he’d found out she was a CIA agent. Now that might not even be true.
“You have something to give me?”
Sabine found a notepad and pen in the top drawer of the desk, scribbled on it, tore off the page and handed it to Steve. “I’ll see you in a week.”
Steve Adams pocketed the paper and closed the library door behind him.
She turned to Doug. “You didn’t seem too surprised about what Steve had to say. You want to tell me what you knew about all this?”
“You want to tell me what was on that piece of paper?”
“No.”
Doug smiled, completely disarming her. “Good, because I’d rather dance with you anyway.”
“But—”
“Sabine.” He came around the desk to her. “Let’s go back to the party. We both need time to let this settle in.”
“But—”
He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it. “Have I told you how beautiful you are in this dress?”
EIGHT
D
oug held his arms loose, when everything in him wanted to clasp Sabine to him as tight as possible as they swayed slowly in the middle of the dance floor. Couples all around them moved to the rhythm of an old love song, caught up in the moment.
The comment his dad had made when she entered the ballroom ran through his mind. Was she the one? He could hardly see there being a time in either of their lives when they might be free to begin a relationship. No matter how appealing the thought was.
And yet it felt so natural to hold her in his arms. He wanted to keep her there as long as possible, but circumstances seemed to conspire against them. A cloud of foreboding settled on him—like if he let her go he’d lose something he would never get back.
Doug wanted to go to Langley with her when she turned herself in. He wanted to be her line of defense. Mostly he wanted to stick with her and see where this might lead, and there was little time to lose if they wanted to find out what had happened to Ben.
But Sabine was wound so tight, she needed to take her mind off what was going on.
He was still floored by everything he’d learned about her from Adams. The CIA guy had been genuinely surprised to see her. When Adams had said she’d been AWOL for the past six years, Doug had discovered why. Watching her process the news that she’d been so thoroughly deceived into being a rogue agent and then come up with a solid plan that Adams had agreed with had been impressive, to say the least.
Doug had a huge amount of respect for the woman in his arms. She possessed strength few people would even be able to understand. Even so, there was hardness in her that he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to penetrate, no matter how close they grew. There was little that was soft and sweet about her, despite how good at dancing she was.
“You’re a great dancer,” Sabine said.
Doug chuckled.
She tipped her head back. “What?”
“I was just thinking the same about you.”
“Oh...well.” She glanced around everywhere but at him. “This is a wonderful room.”
Warmth moved through him, and his stomach unclenched. “It is. My mom and dad used to dance in here late at night when they were all alone. They’d put a record on, dim the lights. I would sneak in past curfew, and they’d be in here, totally oblivious to anything except each other. It was kind of frustrating. And also gross to a teenage boy.”
Sabine laughed and then seemed to realize they had stopped dancing, and yet he still held her.
“You should do that more often.”
“What?”
“Laugh like that. It’s a pretty sound.”
“Thank you. You’re sweet.”
Doug rolled his eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever been called sweet before.”
“It’s true.”
“Do me a favor and don’t tell anyone, okay? I’ve got a reputation to maintain.”
Sabine looked at the floor and then back up at him, her eyes a shade darker. “I’m scared.”
“I couldn’t tell.”
“That’s because I’m good at my job. Which is probably what got me in this mess in the first place.”
“Sabine—” He was going to tell her to leave all the worry for tomorrow, but she cut him off.
“You are sweet.” Her eyes held his.
Doug shifted his weight.
“You loved seeing your mom and dad dance.”
“Yeah, I did. I loved how in love they were, but they also made it clear I was a part of what was between them, so I didn’t mind too much when it felt like I was overlooked. When my mom was diagnosed, it was like the light went out of my dad’s eyes. He kept it together for her, though. Then she died, and he threw himself into his work like never before. I left for basic training, and when I came back it wasn’t to the father I’d known. He was never the same after she died.”
“Is that why you let your fiancée break up with you? You wanted the same thing your parents had, and you knew it wasn’t her.”
“You’re saying I let Tara walk away because I was just biding my time with her?” Doug didn’t know whether to be offended at her presumption or impressed at how astute she was. “I’ve always assumed no woman would be able to handle the stress of my job, but I probably did hold myself back. After Tara broke our engagement, it was easier to date women who were just friends, or friends of friends. Romantic feelings make things more complicated.”
“I agree with you.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t dream of having what my mom and dad had. Someone to share my home with, to have children with and to see the kind of people they grow up to be.”
“I thought that once.” She shrugged her slender shoulders. “What little girl doesn’t dream of happily ever after with her handsome prince? But life isn’t like that. Perfect relationships are the stuff of fiction.”
“So you just stopped dreaming?” He studied her. What had happened to her and Ben? “What made you so hard?”
She stepped out of his arms. “When you witness something as horrific as what Ben and I were forced to endure, it changes you.”
Doug took her hand and wove them through the crowd to the open French doors that led to the patio. At the stone ledge he turned and laid his hands on her shoulders. “Tell me what happened.”
Sabine took a deep breath. “You’re going to regret asking me that.”
“I don’t think so.” She was fighting tears. “I need you to trust me. This secret of yours is tearing you up. No matter how badly you refuse to believe that, I can see it in your eyes.”
She turned away to look out across the manicured lawn. “I was nine, and Ben was five the day my mom shot my dad.”
“You can’t be—”
“You asked.” Her chest heaved. “If you want to know so badly, then be quiet while I tell you.”
Doug closed his mouth.
“He was actually my stepdad. Ben’s dad. He was good to both of us, and I loved him. We were playing cards, when Mom walked in with this look on her face.”
Sabine wrapped her arms around her waist. “She had a gun. I pulled Ben across the room as far away as I could. She yelled for us to stop. Said something to Dad about betrayal and then shot him. There was so much blood. When she turned to us, she still had that look on her face. She said, ‘I should have done this a long time ago’ and pointed the gun at me and Ben. We ran out the back door and through this gap in the fence while she shot at us. We just kept running until we couldn’t run anymore.”
She took another deep breath. “Some cops found us in an alley behind a Dumpster a couple of miles away. I remember the smell and how freezing it was. I’ve hated cold places ever since.”
“Your mom is in prison?”
Sabine shook her head. “They never caught her.”
“What?”
“She got away. No one has seen her since. I guess disappearing runs in the family, because I seem to have the knack for it, too.”
“You’re nothing like her.”
“You don’t know that, Doug. I’m good at my job. So good everyone at the CIA apparently thinks I killed my whole team six years ago. Maybe I’m more like her than I want to admit.”
“I don’t believe that.” He took a chance, reached out and touched her cheek, thumbed away a tear. “Thank you for telling me. You took a chance trusting me, and I won’t let you down.”
She smiled a sweet, sad smile. One that brought him closer, made him want to express his gratitude that she had shared her darkest moment with him. He leaned in and—
“There you are.”
* * *
Sabine stepped back. Her face was probably beet red, since they’d been seconds away from what promised to be a memorable encounter. At least it would have been, if the look in Doug’s eyes was anything to go by.
The general stood in the doorway with a wide smile on his face, like he knew exactly what they’d been about to do. “I was wondering where you two got to.”
Doug grabbed her hand and pulled her back to his side. She sucked in a breath and tried not to look as guilty as she felt. Their almost-kiss wasn’t something she would ever regret, but getting caught by his dad made her feel like she was acting out against that dream parent she used to wish for.
She’d long ago given up on the childhood fantasy of having good, healthy parents. Real life was much harder. There was little space left over for wishes. When she looked at Doug, it was like the petals of a flower unfolding to the summer sun. The man beside her made her want to dream again.
Sabine refocused. They were both waiting for her to say something. “I’m sorry, what?”
They laughed, though Doug’s laughter sounded more embarrassed. When she looked at him, she realized he was as nervous as she was.
The general stepped forward. “I asked if you wanted to dance, my dear. It would be my great honor to spend time with the woman my son brought home. I thought you might indulge me, being as it is my birthday.”
Sabine couldn’t help but accept. “Certainly, General. I would love to.”
He held out his arm. “Please, call me Andrew.”
He led her to the dance floor where the crowd had thinned out, leaving only the late-night die-hard partiers. Wrung out, she tried not to lean too heavily on Andrew...until he shifted closer to her and absorbed the bulk of her weight.
“I won’t keep you long.”
He knew.
“My son should have better sense than keeping you up when you’re exhausted.”
“I appreciate your concern, Gen—Andrew. The past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life, and your son has been an invaluable help. I can see where he gets it. You should be very proud.”
“Thank you. I am.” Andrew frowned. “I’m selfish enough to admit I would have liked to see him ascend through the ranks and follow more in the way my career progressed, but Doug has always made his own way in life. I encouraged that.”
“I know he’s Spec Op—”
“He’s a clerk, dear.”
Sabine blinked. A clerk?
“That’s how we refer to it. The men of their field like to keep their occupation on the ‘down low,’ as the kids like to say.”
“Of course.” Sabine smiled. “You know my brother worked with Doug?”
Andrew nodded. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you. Even though his duties as a...clerk kept him busy, my brother was still a huge part of my life. I miss him.”
The general nodded. His eyes were shadowed with the same grief she felt. Then he seemed to shake it off, and pulled her into an elaborate turn that took her breath away and made her laugh.
“May I ask how you’ve managed to keep going, since you also suffered grief in your life?” Maybe she was being too forward, but Sabine hoped he would answer.
“That I have. Many men under my command, as well as my wife, Doug’s mother.”
Sabine nodded. “He told me.”
The general smiled, small and wistful. “She was a gem of a woman. Much like you.”
“How do you go on?”
“Have I? I’m not sure I’ve really moved on from that day. It seems to have stayed with me and not a day goes by that I don’t remember. That’s what happens when you lose a part of your heart. After that, you just do the best you can with the bit you have left.”
Sabine wanted to cry for him but held the rush of emotion back. He wouldn’t want her pity. “Was it worth it? I mean, if you knew how it was going to end, would you still let yourself fall for her?”
The general’s arms fell to his sides. Sabine was about to apologize when he spoke. “Yes. Absolutely, unequivocally yes. Even for the simple fact of having Doug with me still. It is hard to lose the person you were supposed to grow old with, but you cherish what time you have together. No one knows the future, Elena. So you live life to the fullest. You take the risk. Because if you don’t, how do you know you’re really alive?”
The general kissed her cheek and walked away.
It was tempting to want to live life to the fullest. She wouldn’t be able to hold back anymore. If she wanted a relationship between her and Doug to be worth anything at all, then she’d have to give it everything she had. But a man like Doug would never accept a strong woman inclined to take care of herself. He’d want to be the hero.
She wanted a man who would be her equal partner in life. Someone to stand beside her, instead of in front trying to protect her from things she had plenty of experience with. If she hadn’t learned how to take care of herself by now, she wouldn’t have the job she loved so much.
Doug no doubt wanted a woman who was the stay-at-home type. His wife would be with their kids while he went all over the world on missions. Missions he couldn’t tell her about. At one time Sabine had dreamed of a real family that was all her own, but life had stolen those dreams. Still, it was a tempting thought, if only to see how different it might be from Maxwell’s coldness.
The memory of her ex-husband crested over her like a wave of ice water. It wasn’t worth going there, even in comparison. That time in her life was over. He had a new wife now, one he was free to ignore unless he was in the mood to criticize everything about her.
She would have liked to think she was strong enough to fight the past and go for it with Doug. But if it didn’t work, it would destroy her. Could she take the risk?
Considering her abysmal history, staying alone was a whole lot simpler. She should probably look into getting a cat or something. Cats were friendly, right?
Then Sabine realized something else.
The general had called her Elena.
* * *
Doug sipped his drink and watched Sabine leave the ballroom. He could see how tired she was; she hadn’t really needed to make her excuses to him. On the way out, she said something to his father that made the old man smile.
“Sergeant Major.”
Doug turned and came face-to-face with his boss’s boss’s boss’s... He lost track after a while. “Major General, sir.”
They shook hands. Major General Robert Taylor was his father’s golf buddy and also bore a striking resemblance to Bruce Willis. Doug would have saluted, but they were both out of uniform, and this was the room he used to slide around in his socks with his friends after they ate too much candy.
“I read your report.”
Doug could see the major general didn’t believe Sabine’s theory about being set up for Parelli’s death. “Any idea what the repercussions will be?”