Don't Look Back (13 page)

Trish nodded, then stood. “I’m sure everything will work out for the best.”

I followed her to the door.

With her hand on the door knob, she turned back to me. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention our little chat to Marcus.”

“Of course,” I assured her.

That evening Marcus came over to tell me about his first day at his new job. As he described how things went, who he’d met, and what tasks he’d performed, I tried to listen. But I found myself feeling detached, like I was observing the two of us together. I saw the enthusiasm on his face and heard the excitement in his voice, but I couldn’t tell how he felt about me.

I knew I felt drawn to him, but I squashed the feeling down until it was a vague feeling. The only problem was, the feeling would flare up in a burst of heat at the most unexpected moments, taking me by surprise. Like when he looked at me intently with his incredible green eyes, or when a particularly brilliant smile lit up his face. Then I would find myself trying to catch my breath. I didn’t know if he noticed what was happening to me. He was too caught up in telling me the details of his day.

Finally he finished his narration and asked me about my day. At that moment I had been able to mostly douse the flame of my attraction and was able to speak with the warmth of friendship. “Same old thing for me, but it sounds like you’re getting off to a great start with your new job.”

“Yeah, I really like it.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“I have an idea,” he said. “Let’s go out on Friday night. You know, to celebrate the end of my first week.”

After the conversation I’d had with Trish, I really wanted to turn him down. I didn’t want to be responsible for his heartache. But what excuse could I give without making it sound like I didn’t want to go out with him? “Sure. That sounds like fun.” I would cancel our date at the last minute so he wouldn’t suspect that I had planned to cancel it all along.

Chapter Twenty-Two

As soon as I got home from work on Friday I called the cell phone number Marcus had given me. When he answered I could tell he was busy; he sounded distracted. “I’m sorry to bother you at work, Marcus, but I wanted to give you a chance to make other plans for tonight.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m really sorry to do this to you, but I’m going to have to cancel dinner tonight.” I had a tiny bit of hope that he wouldn’t ask why.

“Why?”

So much for my hopes. “I think I’m coming down with something,” I lied. “It might be the flu.”

“That’s too bad. I hope you feel better.”

“Thanks, Marcus. I’ll talk to you later.”

That was easier than I thought it would be, I thought as I hung up. Then I settled onto the couch, my laptop in front of me. Like usual, the first place I went was to my email account. And like usual, there was an email from Trevor. Sighing, I clicked it open and read his message.

Lily,

Why are you talking about divorce? We’ve only been married a few months. The first year of a marriage is always hard. You need to give our marriage a chance. I know I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve learned from them. Please tell me where you are. I need to see you so we can talk.

I love you with all my heart.

Trevor

I reread his email and sighed again. Was he right? Had I been too hasty in giving up? I recalled the time we’d been together after we’d gotten married. Yes, we’d both made mistakes, but ultimately he was the one who had locked me into our home. I knew I was right in asking for a divorce. I clicked Reply.

Trevor,

I’m not going to change my mind about wanting a divorce. Please don’t email me again until you’re ready to discuss the steps we need to take to legally end our marriage. If you send me more emails, I won’t be responding to them unless you’re willing to talk about a divorce.

Lily

I hit Send, then shut down my computer and turned on the TV. I felt myself getting drowsy and must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, someone was knocking on my front door. Glancing at the time, I saw it was nearly seven o’clock. Feeling groggy, I pushed myself off of the couch and after looking through the peephole, opened the door. Marcus stood on my porch, a broad smile on his face and a medium-size pot in his hands.

“Marcus,” I said, baffled to see him there.

“Are you feeling any better?” he asked.

Oh yeah, I thought, my grogginess fading, I’m supposed to be sick. “Uh, yeah. A little.” I paused. “What are you doing here? You don’t want to catch what I have.”

“I’m not worried,” he said, then held out the pot. “I brought you some chicken soup.”

“Oh, wow. That was really thoughtful of you.” Shame swept over me as I thought about how nice he was being to me even though I’d broken our date by lying to him.

“Can I come in?”

Torn between wanting to spend time with him and wanting to keep him at arm’s length, my desire to spend time with him won out. “Sure.” I held the door open for him.

He walked straight into the kitchen and set the pot on the counter. Then he reached for a cupboard. “Where do you keep your bowls?”

“In that one,” I said, pointing to one of the upper cabinets.

He took out two bowls, then opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of spoons along with a ladle. “I hope you’re hungry.” He glanced my way as he began ladling soup into both bowls.

“Actually I am.” Since I had just woken up from a nap, I wondered if I looked rumpled. It wouldn’t be bad if I did; it would add authenticity to my lie.

“Good. You go and sit down and I’ll bring the food to you.”

I walked over to the dining room table and sat down like an obedient child.

He slid the bowl in front of me. “There you go.”

Then he placed the other bowl across from me and sat down in front of it.

“I’m sorry I didn’t bring any rolls or crackers or anything.”

“Oh Marcus. Don’t feel bad. Just bringing the soup was more than I ever expected.”

He smiled, obviously pleased with my response.

I picked up my spoon and began eating the hot soup. There were chunks of chicken and carrots, along with noodles. “This is really good. Is it homemade?”

His grin widened. “Yes.”

By his response, I wondered if he was the one who’d made it. “Did you make it?”

“I sure did.”

“But when did you have time?”

“I have to admit that when you called I was really disappointed. I’d been looking forward to taking you out. Then I decided there was no reason we still couldn’t eat together. I hurried home after work and put this together.”

Feeling worse with every word he spoke, I decided right then that I wouldn’t break any more dates unless I had a really good reason. And his mother being afraid of his heart getting broken didn’t count as a good reason. “Well, it’s delicious. I had no idea you were such a good cook.”

His eyes sparkled at the compliment and I wondered why I would let his mother’s concerns keep me from spending time with him. Besides the fact that he was gorgeous, he was really sweet. Even so, I was afraid to give my heart too freely. After having my trust betrayed by Trevor, I was extremely hesitant to trust completely again.

But even more important, I already had a husband. I couldn’t forget that fact. As much as I wanted to leave Lily behind and just be Kate, in reality, I was Lily. I hated having two personas. I felt like a fake all the time, like I had to watch every word I uttered. If I slipped up, it could mean that Trevor would be able to find me. In his emails he’d expressed nothing but love, but he had killed my trust in him and I couldn’t help but wonder if he had some sort of ulterior motive.

“You’re deep in thought, Kate. What’s on your mind?”

I’m just thinking about my estranged and
living
husband and what he might do to me if he finds me, I thought. Out loud I said, “Nothing in particular. So tell me about your week. Do you still like your job?”

“Yeah, I really do. The people I work with are great and I’m learning so much.”

I listened as he talked about his job for a while. I had finished my soup and stood to clear my dishes.

Marcus jumped up. “Here, Kate. Let me do that.” He took my dishes from me and loaded the dishwasher. When he was done, he stood by the counter. “I should probably go. I’m sure you’re tired.”

I didn’t want him to leave. “You know, I’m feeling so much better. I think I’m over whatever was bothering me before.”

“Really? That’s great.”

“Do you want to watch a movie on my TV or something?”

“Sure. That sounds like fun.”

We walked into the living room. I sat on the couch first and Marcus sat next to me, but not close enough that we were touching. I handed him the remote. “Here, you can pick what we watch.”

“Okay.” He turned on the TV and began channel surfing until he found a movie that was starting. “Is this one okay?”

Not caring what we watched, I told him it was fine. I tucked my feet under me, which made me tilt in his direction. After a moment, he put his arm around me. I hadn’t had much in the way of human touch in the last few weeks and I found myself leaning against him ever so slightly. When his arm tightened around me, pulling me closer, heat rushed through me. It felt so good to have him close, I never wanted to move.

After a little while I realized I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Being pregnant made me need to go more often, and I hadn’t gone since before my nap, several hours earlier. Afraid that if I got up he would think I didn’t want his arm around me, I hesitated. Finally, my body’s needs were too powerful to ignore.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, setting my feet on the floor and pushing myself to a standing position. I ran upstairs to use the bathroom, then came back down and sat on the couch where I had been sitting before. Marcus immediately put his arm back around me and I snuggled up against his side.

An hour later the movie ended. Marcus unwrapped his arm from around my shoulder and slid forward so that he was on the edge of the couch, ready to stand up.

“I should let you get some rest, Kate.”

Even though I was very attracted to him, I wasn’t going to be the one who would initiate a kiss. And even though I had left Trevor, I was still legally married to him and it felt wrong for me to be the aggressor in this relationship. In fact, I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of kissing Marcus at all. Though I badly wanted to, something inside of me prevented me from actively pursuing a kiss. “Thanks for bringing the soup. You’re very thoughtful, Marcus.”

Still sitting on the couch, he gazed at me. “You’re worth it,” he said.

His incredible green eyes drew me in and my desire to kiss him grew. But I waited for him to make the first move. Suddenly he glanced away and the moment was gone. I wondered why he was so hesitant to kiss me. Was he actually afraid of heartbreak, like his mother had warned me? Or was it something else? Could he sense that I really wasn’t who I said I was?

He stood and I stood as well.

“If you’re still interested, Kate, I can show you some of those hand-to-hand combat moves that I told you about.”

Besides the fact that I did want to learn those moves, I also knew it would be a good reason to spend time with him. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

“How about tomorrow?”

“I have to work in the morning, but I’ll be home a little after one.”

He grinned. “Great. I’ll come by about two o’clock then.”

We walked toward the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, before opening the door and walking onto the porch.

“Bye, Marcus.”

I locked the door behind him and went to bed, thoughts of Marcus filling my head.

Chapter Twenty-Three

At two-fifteen on Saturday afternoon Marcus knocked on my door. When I opened the door I saw that he was wearing sweats, just like me. After coming in, Marcus asked where I wanted to have our lesson.

“It’s not too hot today. How about out back?”

“Works for me,” he said.

I led him to the backyard, where Greta was lying in the sun. At Marcus’ arrival, she trotted over to him looking for attention.

“Hey, Greta,” he said, squatting down and giving her a scratch. After a moment he stood and walked onto the grass. “All right, Kate. Are you ready to get started?”

“I think so,” I said, walking to where he stood. I told Greta to stay on the porch, which she miraculously did.

As I approached Marcus, I noticed him glancing at my belly.

“I have to admit, I’m a little nervous. I don’t want to do anything that might hurt your baby,” he said.

“We can just go slow. I’m sure it will be fine. Everything was okay in my self-defense class.”

“Okay. If you’re sure.”

“I am.”

“Okay. If someone steps toward you like this,” he said, while moving toward me suddenly. “And grabs you like this.” He reached toward me in a threatening motion and I jumped back, startled.

Suddenly I heard a low growling sound, then loud barking. I looked at Greta who stood on the porch, her teeth bared and her eyes locked on Marcus. Hurrying over to calm her, I hugged her and told her it was okay.

“Wow. I don’t know if you need this training as long as you have her around,” Marcus said.

“Come over here and let her know you didn’t mean to threaten me,” I said, motioning for him to approach Greta, who had settled down.

Marcus stepped in our direction and Greta immediately warned him with another growl and more barking.

“It’s okay, Greta,” I soothed. “Marcus is our friend.”

When Marcus got close, he held out his hand for Greta to sniff, while I held her collar and murmured to her. Greta sniffed Marcus’ hand, then began licking it. He got closer, then gave her a good scratch.

“It looks like you’re friends again,” I said. “Maybe I’d better lock her in the house for the rest of the lesson.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

I led Greta into the house, slid the plastic cover into the dog door to prevent her from coming through, then went back outside. She barked a few times, unhappy to be kept away from the action, but finally stopped. I hoped she’d decided to lay down on her pet bed.