Doctors of Philosophy (4 page)

D
APHNE.
Your parents sound marvellous to me. I’ve got Charlie Weston coming to tea this afternoon. Suppose he takes it into his head to bring her a nightdress?

CHARLIE.
He’s only met her twice. D
APHNE.
Yes, but one never knows. And then there would be a scene. And then I could never face Charlie again because he would know the sort of stock I came from.

CHARLIE.
You know she doesn’t make scenes in front of strangers, don’t exaggerate.

D
APHNE.
She would make a worse scene with us after he’d gone.

CHARLIE.
Is he likely to arrive here with a nightdress in his hand? I’m asking you as a girl whose faculty of reasoning I’ve spent a fortune on. If it seems probable to you, who have had the opportunity to observe Weston’s social instincts, that he’s likely to offer his hostess the gift of a nightdress, then I don’t want his sort here.

D
APHNE.
I have been over twenty-one for some time, Father.

C
HARLIE.
So have I. It’s been a heavy responsibility. Have you seen Leonora today by any chance?

DAPHNE.
I can choose my own friends. I could leave home if I wanted. Chuck my studies. Take a job …

C
HARLIE.
Have you seen Leonora today?

D
APHNE.
Only for a few moments after I arrived. She went off to the British Museum. She wasn’t here for lunch.

C
HARLIE.
Did you notice anything unusual about her?

DAPHNE
. No.

Enter
CATHERINE
.

CATHERINE.
Daphne, it’s just occurred to me, does that young man of yours know it’s my birthday?

D
APHNE.
Yes.

CATHERINE.
Well, you shouldn’t have told him. He might bring me a present. I’m sure he can’t afford it. It’s appallingly bad manners to mention birthdays.

D
APHNE.
Perhaps he’ll forget.

CATHERINE.
Perhaps he won’t.

D
APHNE.
He’s hardly likely to give you a nightdress, now is he?

CATHERINE.
Daphne dear, I have nothing against a nice nightdress, but Leonora gave me a nightdress as well.

CHARLIE.
How did you find Leonora this morning?

CATHERINE
. As usual.

C
HARLIE.
Did you talk to her at all?

CATHERINE.
I did nothing else.

CHARLIE
. How did it go?

CATHERINE.
As usual. First I got the upper hand, then she got the upper hand, only more so. In the end, I had to admit that my marriage was a failure. I should have had a fellowship and a lorry driver instead.

D
APHNE.
What’s happened to Leonora?

C
HARLIE.
It didn’t happen to Leonora, it happened to me. I was the victim. She came down in her dressing-gown last night, stood by my chair, and asked me to give her a child. Just like that — ‘Give me a child, I want a child’. The woman’s ill.

D
APHNE.
What an amazing happening! —Leonora’s so unapproachable.

CHARLIE.
I didn’t approach her. She—

CATHERINE.
She denied it absolutely this morning.

CHARLIE.
Denied it?

CATHERINE.
Absolutely.

D
APHNE.
This is not a normal house.

CHARLIE.
I suppose it was to be expected that she’d deny it.

D
APHNE.
Could she have been walking in her sleep?

CHARLIE.
I suppose it is possible.

CATHERINE.
Could you have been dreaming, Charlie?

C
HARLIE.
I wasn’t dreaming, Catherine.

CATHERINE.
She seemed just as sane as ever.

D
APHNE
(at window).
Here she is.

C
HARLIE.
What shall I say?

CATHERINE.
Behave as if nothing had happened. Perhaps nothing did happen.

C
HARLIE.
I wasn’t dreaming, Catherine.

CATHERINE
(slightly louder voice).
Hallo, Leonora. Did you have a good day at the British Museum?

LEONORA.
I didn’t have a day. But with what was left of the day I managed to get something done. I’m coming to the end of my book. It’s a very satisfying feeling to be coming to the end of a detailed study after two years.

D
APHNE.
What’s the subject?

CATHERINE.
Assyrian palaeography.

D
APHNE.
Wasn’t that your subject?

CATHERINE.
Yes, but it’s anyone’s subject who has the ability, and the solitude and the freedom, and the leisure and the will to study the ancient writings of the Assyrians. As you know, I’ve never had the time and the freedom and the …

D
APHNE.
I wish anyone joy of Assyrian palaeography. It’s a dead end. It’s absurd.
(Goes out.)

LEONORA.
What’s the matter with her?

CHARLIE.
Moral arrogance. She’s been insufferable since she was arrested with Bertrand Russell.

LEONORA.
The more I see of her generation the happier I am that I have no children. Charlie, what was this extraordinary dream you had about me last night? Catherine reproached me bitterly this morning with making improper advances to you in the dead of the night.

CATHERINE.
Leonora, I was only saying what Charlie—

CHARLIE.
Leonora, I suppose it must have been in a dream. I decided it must be so the moment you came in, just now. I must have fallen asleep in my chair. And yet, it was extremely realistic. I’m sorry. It’s embarrassing. Please forget it.

CATHERINE.
Charlie’s been working too hard. Charlie you know you have, that’s what I told you when—

LEONORA.
I rather resent being dreamt about by a fellow scholar, let alone being accused of accosting him by his wife. Unconsciously you must both disrespect me.

CATHERINE.
All right, I apologise, Leonora.
(Going out.)
I apologise for my existence, for having been born to accuse you of something normal like wanting a child. Charlie apologises, too …
(Exit.)

CHARLIE.
I apologise, Leonora.

L
EONORA.
I accept your apology.
(Opens book.)

CHARLIE.
I’m really sorry. I wish I could convey the realism. It was an interesting experience, Leonora.

L
EONORA
continues reading. Car draws up outside.

That’s probably Annie.

(Jumps up and goes to window. Returning and picking up newspaper.)

No, it isn’t Annie, it’s Daphne’s young man.

L
EONORA
reads on.

Daphne’s boy friend. Charlie’s his name.

L
EONORA
goes on reading.

If she marries him I’m going to insist on being called Charles to avoid confusion.

L
EONORA
goes on reading.

Damn fool if she marries him. He’s empty. Can’t open his mouth. He must be empty or he wouldn’t want to marry her. If she wasn’t such a fool she would see that. (Turns to crossword.) Someone’s started it.

L
EONORA
leans back, closes her eyes as if tired, rests head on the chair.
CHARLIE
closes the door, goes to the desk, looks at some correspondence,
LEONORA
gets up very silently and approaches
CHARLIE.

L
EONORA
. Charlie.

CHARLIE
. Oh!

L
EONORA.
Give me a child. I wish to conceive a child.

C
HARLIE.
Look Leonora, just sit over here quietly. Everything’s going to be all right. It’s just …

LEONORA.
Before it’s too late, I want …

Enter
MRS. S.
with tray,
YOUNG CHARLIE
with tray, followed by
DAPHNE
and
CATHERINE.

CATHERINE.
Honestly, it’s a delightful surprise …

MRS. S.
She was afraid it would be a bed-jacket …

DAPHNE
Put it down here, Charlie.

LEONORA
returns to her chair.

CATHERINE.
Charlie, guess what Charlie brought me for my birthday! A book. A copy of Yeats’
Collected Poems.

MRS. S.
We already got Yeats’
Collected Poems.

CATHERINE.
Oh, but this is for my very own. The other copy is for household use… It’s awfully difficult to come by. It’s the most valued present …

M
RS.
S.
(putting down tray and going to bookshelf).
What edition is it?

CATHERINE.
Oh, there’s only one edition, 1933.

M
RS.
S.
(takes down copy of
Yeats). No, there’s a later edition. Ours is the 1961 edition. 1933 edition has been superseded if I might point out. Plenty available in the secondhand bookshops now.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
Sorry about the wrong edition. Not my subject.

CATHERINE.
I prefer this edition.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
Bottle of scent would have been better. Or even a nightdre—

M
RS.
S. That would a torn it, young Charlie. Mrs. D. has got a mind. You can’t dab a bit of scent on a mind but you can dab poetry on it. Stands to reason.

CATHERINE.
This is really splendid, young Charlie. It isn’t on the fourth form curriculum either. Charlie, tell young Charlie how much I’ve been pining for someone to give me a book.It’s a symbol of respect.

C
HARLIE.
She has been pining.

CATHERINE.
Charlie, what’s the matter with you?
(Looks at
LEONORA.)
You’re not still quarrelling, are you? I thought you were going to make it up.

CHARLIE.
Catherine, I’ve got to go out, I’m afraid.

MRS. S
. Aren’t you going to wait for Annie?

DAPHNE.
We shall have tea now, Annie or no Annie. Father, you’ve got to stay and monopolise Annie.

MRS. S
. Or else Annie will monopolise young Charlie.

CATHERINE.
Charlie, don’t be a bore on my official birthday. Annie will be disappointed if you aren’t here for her to flirt with. Not that I mind that about Annie. Not that. But there is something that I do mind about Annie, and if she does it again this time I’m going to put her firmly in her place.

D
APHNE.
What does she do?

MRS.
S. Walks about on the landing in her knickers.

CATHERINE.
No, it isn’t that. I don’t mind that. It’s when she opens her mouth and starts to inform the world on a question of scholarship. She just opens her mouth and she gives forth with absolute certainty on subjects about which she doesn’t know a damn. Have you noticed it, Leonora?

L
EONORA.
Annie certainly does get out of her depth at times.

CATHERINE.
If she does it again, Leonora, will you scream?

L
EONORA.
I shall try to scream. Introduce me to young Charlie, please.

M
RS.
S. Dr. Leonora Chase, Ph.D., early edition—Dr. Charlie Weston, Ph.D., late edition.

L
EONORA.
Come and sit over here, young Charlie. You’re doing nuclear research?

MRS. S
. He won’t answer. He’s very hush-hush.

Car draws up with screech outside. Noise and bumps. Voices. Delay. Bell rings.

That’s her.
(Goes out.)

More bumps.

CATHERINE.
Annie always brings a lot of luggage.

M
RS.
S.
(throws open door as
ANNIE
enters).
Mrs. Annie Wood,
non
-Ph.D.!
(Withdraws.)

A
NNIE.
Do you know, there was a marvellous lorry driver outside when I drove up. He helped me in with my luggage. Isn’t he big? He said I could call him Charlie. D
APHNE.
That’s my lorry driver !

A
NNIE.
I think it good that young persons should learn to share. Charles. Catherine. Leonora. Heavenly to see you looking so sane and steady and solid after the mad crazy world I live in. I always boast about my learned cousins, I tell all my friends, I say ‘They are Doctors of Philosophy, every one of them. They live such dignified lives, my dears. They have stately conversations with each other. They never have to take pep-up pills or keep-calm pills. Philosophers, that’s what they are.’ It’s perfectly true, my dears, you have philosophical hearts, that’s why it’s so peaceful to come amongst you. Who is this adorable-looking young man?

CATHERINE.
Daphne’s young friend, Charlie Weston. My cousin, Mrs. Wood. Charlie is a nuclear-physicist, Annie, he’s doing secret work.

A
NNIE.
Really? Tell me all about it.

YOUNG CHARLIE
Smiles.

A
NNIE
(hunting in large hand-bag).
He has a most eloquent smile. Where’s that … I’ve got a present for you, Catherine, but I can’t …