Doctors of Philosophy (13 page)

Y
OUNG CHARLIE‘S VOICE.
The relative attractions of women.

CATHERINE.
Stop it, Daphne!

D
APHNE
prevents
CATHERINE
from stopping the machine.

CATHERINE’S VOICE.
I speak in the academic sense.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE’S VOICE.
I don’t listen in the academic sense.
(Long kissing sound.)
Women are women to me, not ideas.

MRS. S
.’s
VOICE.
Found this under the kitchen table.

D
APHNE
switches it off.

MRS
.
WESTON.
Was that part of a play?

D
APHNE.
It’s what you’d call a realistic part.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
Daphne, be sensible.

D
APHNE.
Get out of my life, Charlie. Disappear out of my life.

Exit
YOUNG CHARLIE
through French windows.

CHARLIE.
Catherine, I must say …

M
RS. WESTON.
I can’t stand any more of this, it’s … Herbert, where is he?

LEONORA.
Daphne, I know that you’re in difficulties, but I think you‘re most unpleasant.
(Slaps her face:
DAPHNE
s
laps
LEONORA
.)

CHARLIE
(calls upstairs)
. Weston, I say Weston!

MRS. WESTON
(slapping
DAPHNE).
Don’t you strike an older woman.

CATHERINE
(slapping
MRS. W.).
Take your hands off my daughter.

ANNIE.
Go on, Catherine. That‘s right, Leonora, just give as good as you get.

MRS. WESTON
(slapping
CATHERINE).
You and your daughter have seduced an innocent young man. Do you … ?

C
HARLIE
(as
LEONORA
moves to slap
MRS. WESTON).
Leonora! Remember your invisible audience. Eyes upon you.
(LEONORA
hesitates then proceeds to slap
MRS. WESTON
regardless.)

Fade.

Lights up later in the evening,
CHARLIE, ANNIE
and
L
EONORA
sit drinking in dejected silence for some moments.

C
HARLIE.
Where‘s Catherine? L
EONORA.
Out on the terrace looking at the stars.

CHARLIE.
She‘s been looking at the stars for the last half hour.

LEONORA.
Twenty minutes.

CHARLIE.
This is no time to be looking at the stars for twenty minutes.
(Calls.)
Catherine!

CATHERINE
(from terrace).
Coming in a minute.

LEONORA.
We’ve been looking at each other for twenty minutes.

A
NNIE.
I haven’t been looking at each other for twenty minutes. I’ve been looking at the problem from various angles. I see everyone’s point of view, which is very confusing. Seeing everyone’s point of view is like mixing your drinks.

CHARLIE.
You’ve been mixing your drinks, all right.

A
NNIE.
It’s terrible to feel that one’s host is watching every sip and every mouthful. I wish someone would send me a bunch of flowers to restore my confidence. Why do they never come at the moment I need them?

C
HARLIE.
The place is cluttered up with your flowers.
(Calls.)
Catherine! — Why does she go and look at the stars when we’re busy discussing a family crisis?
(Calls.)
Catherine!

A
NNIE
(turning in her chair to look out).
Shout at her politely, Charlie, she’s talking to someone.

C
HARLIE.
Why is she talking to someone at this time of night? She’s always wasting her time gossiping with the neighbours. A higher education was wasted on Catherine. Like mother like daughter.

Enter
CATHERINE
from terrace.

CATHERINE.
Haven’t you gone to bed yet?

C
HARLIE.
Well, what an utterly stupid question. Like mother like daughter. Only fit for married life.

A
NNIE.
Daphne isn’t fit for married life if you mean she’s got to marry into that family.

CHARLIE.
She won’t have the chance now.

A
NNIE.
Most unsuitable. I shall adopt the baby, and Daphne can either continue her studies or marry the man of her choice.

LEONORA.
I shall adopt the baby.

A
NNIE.
I spoke for it first.

L
EONORA.
No, if you recall, I spoke for it first.

A
NNIE.
You spoke to the wrong Charlie. I shall speak to the right Charlie.

CATHERINE.
You’re neither of you fit to adopt any baby. We shall speak to Daphne, and we shall adopt the baby. If all else fails.

CHARLIE.
All else has failed, but we can’t afford to adopt the baby. I’ll have to resign.

CATHERINE
. Why?

CHARLIE.
Well, when word gets round that my wife is a seducer of young graduates …

CATHERINE.
Young Charlie attempted to seduce me. Where’s that tape? — I can prove it. Not that I hold it against him. Where …

A
NNIE.
Daphne took it up with her. But if I were you, Catherine, I should try to preserve that record for always. It’s most flattering, when you come to think of it.

CATHERINE.
Do you think so, Annie?

A
NNIE.
Well, to be quite frank, I’m afraid he didn’t attempt to kiss me, although he had every opportunity to do so.

CHARLIE.
Any normal woman would regard it as an insult. Any normal woman would have slapped his face.

CATHERINE.
I’m not a normal woman, thank you very much.

CHARLIE.
It’s a question of your dignity. Leonora would have slapped his face. Any woman of normal instincts—

LEONORA.
I’m not a normal woman, Charlie, thank you very much.

ANNIE.
You must not insult us like this, Charlie. We aren’t the sort of women who go round assaulting affectionate young men.

C
HARLIE.
I see. You only assault each other.

LEONORA.
The circumstances were exceptional. Mrs. Weston would bring out the slapping instinct in anyone. I must say, I rather enjoyed it.

CATHERINE
. Me too.

Enter
MRS. S.
to clear up the litter.

MRS. S
. This is the last time I stop overnight to help you out. If I want a free-for-all I can get it at my sister’s place.
(Pours herself a whisky.)
They like to bring the evening to a boil. It isn’t any holiday for me to stop here overnight and be witness to a free-for-all. Mrs. D., are you aware of a large bunch of flowers on the floor of the downstairs lavatory?

CATHERINE.
Oh! The flowers … I forgot all about them. I’ll go and get them, Annie, they’re lovely.

ANNIE.
What a brilliant oversight!
(CATHERINE
goes out.)
You see, Charlie, what rational people like you and Leonora don‘t realise, is that there’s a mysterious force that provides for the needs of simple-minded ordinary women like me.

M
RS.
S. They’ve been laying in the lav without water for six hours. Won’t last.
(Pours herself a whisky.)
I don’t know about you lot, but I’m going to bed.

C
HARLIE.
We’re all going to bed.

Enter
CATHERINE
with flowers
.

ANNIE.
Roses at midnight, how thrilling! Who can they be from?
(Looks at envelope attached.)
They’ve been sent by Transatlantic Cable … America, now who … ?
(Looks closely at envelope.)
Oh, it’s addressed to Leonora. I say, Leonora, how thrilling, someone in America’s sent you some roses. Open them up at once.

L
EONORA
opens envelope and reads message.

CHARLIE.
There isn’t any more room for any more flowers in the house. We’ve got nothing but flowers all over the place, using up oxygen.

CATHERINE.
What a lovely surprise!

ANNIE.
Leonora doesn’t look very surprised.

L
EONORA.
Really, do you think I’ve never had flowers before?

C
HARLIE.
Arriving in the middle of the night, that’s the significant point.
(Looks at envelope.)
By Cable. Expensive shop, must have cost a fortune, it would have kept an Indian peasant for a year.

D
APHNE
rushes in.

D
APHNE.
I’ve just found a note from Charlie. It was lying on the door-mat. But I can’t read it, it’s in Greek, signed Charlie in English. Leonora … Mother … read it.

CATHERINE.
Let me see.

L
EONORA
looks over
CATHERINE’s
shoulder at the note.

MRS. S. Sounds like he’s done away with himself. Too cryptic for my liking.

L
EONORA.
It’s a quotation from the Greek Anthology.

CATHERINE.
So it is. It’s a well-known epitaph.

C
HARLIE.
Let’s hear it.

D
APHNE.
Translate.

L
EONORA.
‘Stranger, tell the Lacedaemonians that we lie here, obedient to their commands.’

MRS. S
. A very moving farewell, that one is.

D
APHNE.
I didn’t know he knew any Greek.

CHARLIE.
Suicides never announce their departure. They just go and do it.

L
EONORA.
I have heard of suicide notes being left.

M
RS.
S. My brother-in-law left a parting note before he turned on the gas. I’d like to tell you what he wrote — but no, it’s too macabre. I just couldn’t.

CATHERINE.
I think this is a hoax.

M
RS.
S. You should a seen my brother-in-law’s farewell — but no, I couldn‘t repeat it. Sorry, I just couldn’t. Talk about nostalgie de la boue!

CHARLIE.
Does young Charlie possess a gun or anything?

D
APHNE.
Oh no. He doesn’t believe in shooting anything whatsoever.

CHARLIE.
No, I suppose that would be unnecessary in his job.

A
NNIE.
Can young Charlie swim?

D
APHNE.
Yes, but he wouldn’t if he was trying to drown himself, now would he?

M
RS.
S. If they don’t know how to go about it, they struggle for life and save themselves at the last minute. But the really experienced suicide cases always attach a weight to themselves and jump in with their boots on.

A
NNIE.
Don’t you think we should ring the police?

CATHERINE.
That’s too drastic. We don’t want our name in the papers just now. Charlie’s appointment still has to be confirmed.

D
APHNE.
I think you’re a monster.

L
EONORA.
Perhaps, after all, it’s a hoax.

D
APHNE.
Don’t listen to her, Leonora — she hasn’t a scrap of natural affection. She ought to see a psychiatrist. I’m going to ring the police. They must drag the canal.

CATHERINE.
Very well. I shall ring the police

(Goes out followed by
ANNIE)
.

D
APHNE.
How did the victims in the epitaph die, Leonora?

L
EONORA.
On the field of battle in Thermopylae.

CHARLIE.
He evidently sees himself in a very heroic light. Sheer conceit.

M
RS.
S. You should have heard my brother-in-law’s case. Far more stirring than this. But you couldn’t a heard it. The court was cleared at the inquest for the reading of the note. And you couldn‘t a read it.
News of the World
wouldn’t touch it. Too hot.

(Lifts
YOUNG CHARLIE’s
note and holds it up to the light, looking at it for a few seconds.)

Queen’s Velvet.

D
APHNE.
I told him to disappear out of my life. But I didn’t say out of his.

Enter
CATHERINE.

Are the police coming?

CATHERINE.
No. I funked it.

D
APHNE.
I’m going

M
RS.
S. Hark! There’s something going on.
(Goes out on terrace followed by the others.)
Here we are. Stand back.
(Pushes them all back.)
They’ve got the body.

C
HARLIE
(going out to terrace).
What’s going on?

D
APHNE.
The body! Let me see.

L
EONORA.
Daphne, sit down and keep quiet.

Enter
CHARLIE BROWN,
carrying the limp body of
YOUNG CHARLIE.
Both are dripping wet.

CHARLIE B
. I just got him when he was going down the fourth time.