thought was right. It wasn’t easy, but she
knew Hannalore was better off.”
Stepping closer to me with his
chest puffed out aggressively, he was
starting to seethe just as I was. “You
honestly think she wouldn’t have chosen
her family?”
“You don’t know anything about my
family!”
“No, but I know what it’s like to
grow up without one.”
With that, I closed my eyes and
finally felt the pain he wanted to inflict
on me. He did blame me, and now he
had ammunition to fight harder. He was
hurting, so he wanted me to hurt, too. He
was either picking a fight to break me in
hopes I would finally cave, or destroy
me. Either way, we were both done.
“This isn’t about our families; it’s
about you and me. You want to know?
Hmm? You were right this week.
Someone did break me. They left me in
an emotional gutter to rot, and I was this
close to ending it all.” I held my fingers
together to emphasize my point. From the
look on his face, he wasn’t prepared to
handle what I was about to say.
“One beautiful little pill to make all
the pain go away and rid the world of
my destructive ass. I used to wonder
what could possibly drive your father so
far into making that choice, and you
know what? I saw it. When you realize
that you have destroyed everything good
in your life, it’s easy to get lost in the
dark.”
His head dropped and his voice
became quiet. “What stopped you,
Violet?”
The tears were burning behind my
eyes, falling slowly down my cheeks and
onto my jacket. I took off my glove and
touched the side of Shepard’s face. “You
did. I knew no matter how mad you were
at me, the thought that I ended my life at
the hands of an asshole would have not
only made you sick, it would have
devastated you. I knew I hurt you before,
but I couldn’t do that to you.”
He reached over to pull me closer,
but I reflexively stepped back. Stepping
forward towards me again, he gently
grabbed my arm. “Violet, who did this to
you?”
I kept stepping backwards, shaking
my head and beginning to mumble
incoherently. This is not a place I
wanted to revisit. Not now, not ever.
“Violet, please tell me!”
I knew now that it had started he
was not going to let it go. Reaching my
hands into my hair, grabbing fistfuls, I
quietly said the name I cursed on a daily
basis, “Connor.”
“What do you mean ‘Connor’ –
your ex? That was…you saw him when
your grandma died.” His voice conveyed
that he was starting to understand. He
was one of the few people who knew
what happened before, and the fact I
even allowed that door to open made me
deplorable. “That’s why you won’t let
me touch you, because of him.”
I nodded slowly to confirm his
speculations. “I wasn’t able to save the
ranch. I went out drinking just after she
died, but before the funeral. Connor got
the call that I was messed up and needed
to be taken care of. He showed up and
we got in a huge fight. I got even drunker
and blacked out. The next day we got
into an even bigger fight; I thought I
broke his nose. But we also talked and
settled some dust. He bought the ranch
under special conditions. I stipulated
that I have a year to come up with the
money to buy it back, or else it’s his
outright. He can’t sell it for a year
without Vivienne’s signature.
I really thought he changed. Twelve
years is a long time for someone to grow
up. So, I let my guard down and let him
in again. My flight home got cancelled
and I went to his apartment to surprise
him just hours after I left. I knocked on
the door and an eighteen- year-old girl
answered it, with Connor snaked around
her waist. He tried telling me it wasn’t
what it looked like. I can’t stand being
deceived. So, maybe now you can
understand why I am a little gun shy
when it comes to revisiting the past.”
We stood next to each other,
watching the sunset over the mountains. I
knew I just gave him a lot of information
to process, but after tomorrow our paths
may never cross again. I was being
realistic; he needed to know why I was
being so guarded.
“Violet, I am sorry…”
“Don’t be. I’m the one with issues,
remember?”
“No, about this.”
“What about it?”
“You were right, I set this up.”
A nauseous feeling started to weigh
in my gut. What I just sent out was about
to boomerang back into my face, I could
feel it. “What do you mean you ‘set this
up’?”
“This week…I knew you would be
at the airport, on that plane. I knew the
meeting would be cancelled…I work for
Balashov.”
I had to grip the railing to keep
from passing out. The world was
spinning so quickly, I couldn’t grasp my
bearings. I sunk to my knees and started
to breathe. “Why would you do that,
Shepard?”
As he leaned next to me, I flinched
away from him, suddenly afraid. I could
see the hurt in his eyes, but I kept
backing up the closer he got to me.
“I’ve waited so long to see you
again; the opportunity to spend a week
with you alone was too good to pass up.
I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just had to
get you away to know the truth.”
“The truth about what?” I felt
myself starting to have a panic attack. I
grabbed the railing as my knees began to
buckle, trying to breathe deeply, but
unable to due to the thin air.
He slowly moved closer, and
gradually, I stopped scooting away. He
began to talk me down the only way he
knew how – by giving me an out.
“The truth about us, that’s all.
Come on, I will take you back to the
hotel and drop you off in the morning so
you can be on your way. It’s up to you if
you want to still meet with Balashov, but
don’t feel obligated. For all it’s worth, I
wouldn’t have traded this week for the
world.”
His strong arm pulled me up to a
standing position and guided me back to
the tram. I kept my face lowered to hide
how puffy my eyes were. I mentally and
physically felt like I was descending
along with the tram. In less than twenty-
four hours, this God forsaken nightmare
would be over. We drove back without
saying a word and crawled into bed,
still not speaking. I didn’t take off my
clothes, and for the first time, fell into
the void without a struggle. I could feel
Shepard trying to pull me out of the
nightmares, but I couldn’t fully wake up.
When I finally stirred in the
morning, I could tell he had not slept.
Deep circles rested under his eyes with
a sadness I had never seen before. The
light in his eyes was gone; all that
remained was a shell. I wasn’t hungry,
so I took a shower and put on my suit
and heels. I felt strange, leaving the hotel
so dressed up, but it didn’t matter. I
stopped in the parking lot for a moment,
taking in the beauty one last time,
grateful for such an amazing day. After
snapping on the seatbelts, we both tilted
our heads in the seat as we faced each
other. I couldn’t stop my lip from
quivering. He tried to smile and
pretended to pull it off his face and hand
it to me, but I shook my head back and
forth.
“Keep your smile, you deserve it.”
Shepard bit his lip to stop what
was coming up from inside of him. The
veins in his eyes thickened, making them
red and glassy. His hand went up to
gently thumb away the tears that were
falling down my face.
With a cracked voice he made his
request, “Please don’t leave me again,
Violet.”
Chapter 37 - The
Rabbit Hole
The secretary guided me about
halfway into the small office that looked
east towards the Alps. I turned around
one last time to see Shepard looking at
me with both fear and horror at the door
that was about to separate us. Once
again, he had to suffer through a situation
in which he had no control, yet he would
deem it to be his own fault. I wanted to
believe that he had been stronger than I
had been and moved on…that he had
found a lovely woman and had beautiful
children…that he was happy. The man I
was walking away from was far from
that.
I wanted nothing more than to turn
around and run into his arms and run
away, to tell him how much I loved him
and how sorry I was for everything.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t.
Becoming distracted by the dust
particles that floated in the sunlight,
falling slowly around me, I wished they
were snowflakes like the ones at
Fountain Square back in Cincinnati,
when Shepard and I danced to a tune he
hummed softly in my ear. I closed my
eyes and wandered to that place.
The door clicked shut, bringing me
back to the present.
“Hello, Ms. Phillips.” The chair
turned slowly around, putting me face to
face with the man who brought me
halfway across the world.
“It’s Doctor Phillips.” My voice
was curter than I intended.
“Of course, I was there when you
graduated. How I wish I could have
come to congratulate you myself, but you
understand. Please be seated.”
I sat reluctantly in the stiff leather
chair. Folding my arms tightly across my
chest, I was suddenly freezing. He
reached down into his bottom drawer
and removed a tall bottle full of amber
hued liquid, then two old cream-colored
coffee mugs. My teeth felt as though they
would crack under the pressure of
grinding them so tightly.
With a single look he knew I was
falling apart and would shatter with one
false move. He remained quiet as he
poured into the mugs and scooted one
towards me. “Drink this so we can talk. I
can’t afford to have you as wound up as
you are right now.”
Knocking back the harsh spirit
quickly, I scooted my cup back for more.
Without hesitation, he poured me two
fingers worth, then set the bottle next to
me. I didn’t have to see the label to
know what it was. It was the same bottle
I had purchased nearly seven years ago.
Back then, Jack and I had been asked to
search the lab for anything that was
missing; it was not lost on me that these
very items had vanished. I knew this day
would come.
“Violet, before I start, I have one
question for you. If I told you what you
were going to have to go through, would
you have done it?”
He knew the answer. Who in their
right mind would purposely endure
suffering in order to save so many? If I
knew what this would have cost me,
there was no way in hell I would have
done it.
“Why me?” The question came out
low through clenched teeth. I wanted to
scream and lash out angrily, but
remained unable to move. The tendons in
my body threatened to snap at any
moment; the liquor wasn’t kicking in fast
enough.
“Violet, you were the only one...I
knew who you were before I found you.
Trials either make people stronger or
tear them apart. For everything that has
happened to you, you still manage to
love. I believed in you, and I still do. I
know you think I left you, but I have
always been there, even though you
couldn’t see me. I have sent people to
watch over you. Unfortunately, things
happened that were beyond my control.”
My eyes felt like acid was poured
onto them, the heat searing from behind.
The last of my chains were being broken
off as I faced this painful truth about my