Dismantled (Girls on Top #2) (21 page)

Standing on the balcony, my body is shaking with adrenaline and anticipation. I know by now Wyatt has figured out that he didn’t get bitten by a bug… Somebody in that group should be smart enough to know the hives and rash are not normal.

I know I’m being childish by going through all this effort instead of going to talk to Ciara… I just could not pass up on picking on my brother. After all, he was the one to have the
audacity
to start going out with my girl. I know that we are not in a relationship – yet. I’m going to fix this because I know she owns me starting with the smallest piece of my dismantled heart and she’s the only one who can help me pull it back together. When we are apart, I feel restless and all I do is relive the moments we spent together reflecting on how happy I was. She calms my busy mind. She strengthens me and gives me hope for a happy future. I was stupid to let her go. The thought of her moving away from me and towards someone else gives me unbearable pain. I really know what I want now. I’m ready.

I see Notso’s truck pulling into the parking lot. I move away from the balcony and walk inside the apartment. This is not going to be easy, I hate fighting with my brother, but I know he will not be very rational after today’s events. I’m standing up facing the door. I’m not going to wait for him sitting down, as if I was bait. This is going to be face to face.

I hear the keys on the door, and I still myself. Wyatt comes through it like a man who’s possessed. The moment was very surreal, almost like a movie playing in slow motion. Wyatt takes giant steps to get to me, he looks intimidating, but I hold my ground.

“Why the fuck would you do this?” He shoves me on the chest with his hands. I take a tiny step back, but I don’t really move. He’s going to need more than that if he wants me to be afraid.

“You know why.” I tell him in a very sarcastic tone. Two can play this game. Looking at him, I see so many questions passing through his eyes, that it makes me wonder if I’ve got it all wrong.

“No, Traxx, I don’t. I need you to talk to me and tell me what’s going on between you and Ciara.”

The mention of her name gets me emotional again. “You are my blood, my only
brother
. You are not supposed to try to take her away from me. That was one fucked up move on your part. Ciara is mine! We belong to each other.”

Wyatt is only a couple of inches away from me taking over all my personal space. “No she isn’t. YOU left her before things even started. YOU gave her up. I’m helping her forget about your sorry ass. All because you are too chicken to tell her how you really feel.”

“How would you know how I really feel? I don’t advertise it. How I feel is my motherfucking business, not yours.”

Notso finally gets here, comes inside the apartment and closes the door.

Wyatt is beyond irritated and continues talking. “ANYBODY with common sense would know. When you are around her it’s all over your ugly ass face! Stop denying it!”

“No it isn’t!” He shoves me again a little harder this time.

“Yes it is! You are so stubborn you will end up losing her. The next guy that comes on to her will have other things in his mind. He won’t be doing it because he’s trying to help his brother, like I did.”

“I don’t need your help!” I yell back at him. “Now leave her alone!”

“The hell I will.” He turns around and starts to walk away, which pisses me off even more. I take a step forward and grab him by the shoulder making him turn around, and when he does, I throw my fist on his left chin.

He stumbles, but charges at me. “Motherfucker! Now you’ve done it!” He lands a punch on my left cheek.

Before either one of us knows it, we are down on the floor, wrestling like we used to do when we were kids. At first we are even, but after a few swings and lucky strikes, Wyatt has me pinned to the floor.
Shit.
Notso is trying to talk to the two of us, pull us apart, to convince us to stop fighting.

“Say it!” Wyatt tells me. One of his hands is on my face, pushing it to the side, and the other one is holding one of my arms down.

“Fuck, no!” I say through my teeth.

“Tell me the truth that you are in love with Ciara.”

I can’t say it because when I confess it, when I finally make it a reality because I will say it out loud, I will say it to her and admit it to myself at the same time. Not to this fool who fights like a baby.

“I won’t tell you!” Suddenly, I just quit fighting and Wyatt – who is now straddling me, falls forward due to the lack of resistance.

I take a deep breath and tell him what’s on my mind. “Won’t tell you, because I want to tell her and only her, how I really feel,”

“Thank God! I’m way too old for this shit. He gets up off me and extends a hand to help me up. “You better hurry because she thinks I’m killing you.”

Notso finally can get a few words in. “Yeah, I told them to stay in their place until you two were finished. I didn’t want them to get in the middle of this.”

I look at Notso and suddenly feel grateful. “Good call. Thanks.”

I look at my brother, and feel nothing but pride to have a brother like him. “Wyatt, I’m sorry about the poison ivy…”

He laughs. “It’s all forgotten for today, but you never know what tomorrow may bring. I hear payback is a bitch. No, go on, brother. Go on and get your girl. She is dying for you to make amends…”

The bastard winks at me. Wait a minute… “Wait, why do you look so happy?” Wyatt looks at Notso, and they start chuckling. “Was this your plan all along?”

“Yes. I talked it over with Notso and Keagan, to make sure they knew. I thought I could find a way to push you back towards her… I almost gave up, you are so stubborn! Now, stop wasting your damn time with me and go find Ciara. Don’t hold back, Traxx. She deserves to know how you really feel.”

I nod, and literally run to the one person who holds my heart and soul: Ciara.

“Keagan, I’m dying to know what’s going on!”

Keagan is sitting on the couch reading a book. She’s way too calm about all of this. “Why are you not worried?”

“Because they are my cousins. I have grown up watching them fight things out since we were babies.” She smiles at me. “They always figure everything out in the end. You’ll see.”

There’s a knock on the door!

I’m shaking inside because I’m not sure how all of this is going to pan out. I look at Keagan. She gives me a small smile and nods to let me know it should be okay to open the door.

I move towards it and look at the peephole. It’s Traxx. I turn around and look at Kegan with wild eyes and I mouth who it is without making a sound. She nods much more enthusiastically than before, so in a hurry, I reach for the doorknob and open the door.

Heat floods me immediately at the mere sight of him. Then I notice that he’s not his usual flawless self. His face is swollen right below the left eye and near his lip. There are red marks on the other side of his face, too. He looks worried and tired. His clothes are a bit disheveled but there is no blood or cuts that I can see.

“We need to talk.” Traxx speaks in a very soft voice that makes me melt but at the same time it’s a vivid reminder of our situation.

“I don’t think we have anything to talk about.” I tell him while blocking the door. It would have worked out perfectly had it not been for Keagan in a huge hurry to get out.

“Where are you going?” I ask her as she passes by.

“Ciara, this is a two-way conversation. I have no business being here. Besides, this thing between the two of you is long overdue.” She looks at Traxx. “You’re welcome and you better not mess this one up. Get your shit together, already.” He nods at her and moves out of the way so that Keagan can pass. I open the door all the way and let him in.

We are standing in the receiving area, doing a stare contest. He looks remorseful which makes me feel hopeful, but I don’t want to give it away.

“Well?” I ask him.

“Ciara…” He pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes as if he’s thinking hard. “I need to start with an apology.” I look at him unconvinced. Can we please sit down?”

I gesture towards the living room and he starts walking in that direction. I sit on my big reading chair and he sits on the ottoman, so we are again face to face but a lot closer than before.

Traxx grabs my hands and I tried to pull away, but he holds them tighter. “Please don’t. I know I deserve this, but please, don’t pull away from me.” His voice is cracking and I can literally feel the pain on his voice. My eyes fill with tears, but I’m able to hold it together a bit longer. My heart aches for him.

“Ciara, I could say that I was sorry a million times, and that wouldn’t be enough. I’ve never been very good at expressing myself, but I will give it a try, because you deserve so much more than an apology…”

It hurts me to see him like this. So I reach over my hand to touch his cheek. He leans towards it, rubs his cheek on my palm and wraps his fingers over mine. He then looks at me. “Go ahead. I’m listening.”

She said she will listen. I’m a lucky bastard. I’m hurting, but I also don’t fail in seeing the pain reflected in her eyes. This is going to be my only chance at redemption, so I will let everything go. I’m going to give her my heart because she owns it already. I’ve got nothing to lose.

“Out of all the moments in my life that I could rewind and get a do-over, you would think that I would want to go back to the night that Marcy ended her life, because perhaps I could do something different and maybe, just maybe I could stop her from making that mistake again. But I would be lying. My heart tells me that the one moment I really want to go back to is the night we spent together. That’s the one I really want a do-over. I want it. I want
you
. It was the best night of my life. Can you blame me? Before you showed up with your BTB plan, I meandered through life never wanting to emotionally attach myself to a girl, because I was scared that they would rip my heart in two. I ended up doing the ripping all by myself when I decided to walk away from you.

“I’ve never felt anything for anyone until that night when we became one. You filled me when I was empty and barely existing. You gave me a new life when you gave yourself to me. That night you claimed me and I became yours. I never thought I would care for someone, but I care for you. You have made a difference in my life. Your love has put me back together.” I kiss her hands and feel my eyes brimming with tears threatening to escape. “I don’t want to continue barely existing. I want to be happy. I want my life to be meaningful. I want to be with you, now and always. When I try to think about my future without you, all I see is darkness. When I think of you and me, I see fireworks. I see a world full of possibilities, because you are my light and your love keeps me sane. I was a fool for trying to walk away. Please forgive me.”

Our hands are now in between us, mine wrapped over hers. She lifts them up and places them on her lips, leaving a gentle kiss on my skin.

“Traxx… I’m here for you always. I know I promised this before you walked away from us. What I don’t understand is why didn’t you want to talk about what was bothering you? Why such a drastic decision? And how do I know it will not happen again? I need you to reassure me, because when you went away, it affected me deeply and I don’t want to be in that situation ever again.”

I drop to my knees and settle between her legs. We are eye to eye. I’m determined and serious. “Ciara, I’m getting ready to come clean with you. I’m going to tell you everything. Please hear me out.” She nods and is attentive.

“I was bullied by girls in Middle School. The girls who bullied me used to be my friends in Elementary School. I felt betrayed and thought that all girls were going to be like them. They pretended to be my friends and then turned around and ridiculed me in order to become popular. I spent all my time trying to hide from them and keeping to myself. I was afraid to make friends. Later on, Colton became my ally and he protected me the best way he could, but the damage was done. Who would have thought that cute little girls can grow up to be so mean and vindictive?

“When I started High School, it was a different school from that of the girls. I was finally free, but again, I was damaged. In High School girls were seeking me out for other reasons, so I decided to date them on my own terms so that I could feel as if I was in control. I’ve since learned that I was lying to myself. By not building a connection to women, I became more and more cold and uncaring towards them. The only exception was my cousin Keagan, and then later on Brianna and you. You guys were so different to all the others, you were kind and giving and always trying to take care of everyone else, it made a difference in my mind. I was intrigued. I wanted to get to know you better back then, but that was when Brianna and Colton got in the way. I figured it was for the best.

Then, the incident with Marcy was a huge wakeup call that my behavior was affecting others in a negative way. I had become the one thing that I hated: A bully of sorts. To say that Marcy’s death traumatized me, is to put it mildly. Since she spared me at the last minute, I feel obligated to change and use my life for something better – I just don’t know how yet. In the meantime, Marcy is always in my ear, whispering hateful things which reminds me that I’m still stuck somewhere in between of who I used to be and who I want to become. I’ve had nightmares that made me wake up sweating and shaking. I see her from time to time and she’s always cruel. She wants something out of me but I don’t know what that is. Most recently I have been successful in turning her off and ignoring her, because I know she only exists in my mind. I am aware that she is not alive and I’m not crazy, although sometimes I think she would love that.

“Spending time with you, having all these conversations and learning to let myself fall for someone were new things for me. I was changing and feeling for the first time… it scared me. I was terrified and I absolutely had no clue what to do and how to heal. But I was so immersed in you already, that when I tried to do it without you, I felt as if I was dying. I hated myself. I didn’t know how to stay afloat, so I ran. I ran away from the one person who was teaching me how to be alive and happy. That day when I arrived in Texas, I realized that I was dying instead, because you had my heart and I could not survive without it.

“Then came my brother and instead of letting me handle things, he pushed me around to let me know that if I didn’t hurry up and do something about it, I could lose you forever. It scared the crap out of me. A life without you… wouldn’t be worth it.

“There is something that I know for sure and I have to let you know before it’s too late. All these feelings that I have when I’m near you and that I’ve only experienced with you… Now I know they mean
love
. I didn’t know it before, but I understand now. I love you Ciara, with all my heart and all that I am, but the best thing is that all that I will become will be because of you and the love I feel for you. I want you to be proud of me, always. I love you, always”

The thought that I love her compressed my chest and there was a warmth that calmed and enveloped me. When I looked into her eyes, tears were free falling on her cheeks. I raised my hand and wiped them with my thumb. She was so emotional and it was hard for her to talk.

“Traxx… Always is a long damn time. It’s longer than I’ve ever wanted to be there for someone. You are my always, Traxx. You are my beautifully flawed, a little off your rocker, a master skilled in certain ‘special’ things and I could not be happier to have found you. Perhaps I should say I could not be happier to have thrown myself at you when you needed me most. I love you, too. Always” Her smile lights up my life, and I can see everything a lot more clearly now.

“Ciara… I’m going to kiss you now. I’m going to kiss you until you have no doubts of how important you are to me. I’m going to touch you – all of you – until the moment comes that we can no longer stand the coldness of being even an inch away from one another. I’m going to please you, brand you and love you until you know without a doubt that I’m the only one for you and you are the only one for me… Are you ready?”

She gives me a happy smile that is infectious and so damn sweet. Her head is nodding frantically and while smiling she whispers in my ear, “Bring it!”

Challenge accepted.