Diary of an Expat in Singapore (9 page)

Whether you have a maid, have had a maid, or ever contemplated getting a maid, be prepared to hear this topic… a lot. Young vs old? Well, you don’t want a late-night partier but you don’t want someone with arthritis either. And the discussion doesn’t end there: Filipina, Indonesian, or from Myanmar (in other words: speaks English, acts
like
she speaks English, or really has no idea what you are saying)? Live-in or part-time? Maids provide a never-ending supply of conversation fodder. For example, revealing one’s maid’s nickname is Slow Mo (as in slow motion) because she washes salad so slowly she gets to know the leaves on a first-name basis, or complaining at a social gathering about how one’s maid always talks on the phone, will bond two expats quicker than coming from the same town. When expats without help meet, they smile with a complicit air of superiority. Kind of like when people who decide to home-school meet… but without the glazed look.

“Should I get my hair rebonded?”

Like maids, the topic of whether or not to get one’s hair rebonded (chemically straightened) acquires marked relevancy in a country as challenging to Western-style hair as Singapore. Pros and cons are discussed at length on expat forums. If you have gravity-defying curly hair like mine that grows visibly higher every step you take outside, you might be tempted. Just remember, it’s only temporary.

“I’m thinking of getting a car.”

I don’t drive. So when I hear my expat friends talk about how much they miss their cars, how it was an extension of their house, complete with snacks, toys, and change of clothes… I can’t really relate. The closest I ever came to owning a vehicle was when I had a baby stroller.

“Don’t even think about getting a car.”

In Singapore, it’s cheaper to take taxis and they’re plentiful. Just stay positive when you happen to be waiting under the rain with your kids and two green-lighted (supposedly vacant) taxis pass you by. The first claims he’s only taking passengers to Jurong, while the second is waving his arm so frenetically he seems to be waging war with a bee.

“My husband is in… (fill in the blank).”

The expat mom is living in Singapore. The working spouse… not so much. China, India, Japan – really depends on the week. There is a lot of travelling and conjugal separation in the expat’s domestic life. Get used to it. You’ll be alone a lot. On the plus side, no more fighting over what to watch on TV. On the negative, if you slip and break your foot (true story)… you’re on your own. Additional tip: Keep the number of a good plumber handy.

“Are you going home for the summer?”

Initially expats go home for winter and summer, then just summer, until one day they wonder: “Wouldn’t it be cheaper to go to the Maldives?”

“Isn’t Singapore Airlines great?”

Once upon a time, the expat mom looked for great flight bargains over the internet. Five-hour layover in Doha? No problem. But once she flies Singapore Airlines… there’s just no turning back. It has been said that flying Singapore Airlines means your holiday starts as soon as you board the plane (Okay, I said it). Even when I had a baby strapped to my waist and a toddler with constant requests, I still clocked in about four movies while balancing a glass of chardonnay on my knee. That’s just the kind of multitasker I am. When it comes to watching movies I can be pretty ruthless. Being an adult can be great. If you’re flying Singapore Airlines… it’s awesome. And no, I do not work for them. Yet.

“I love Bali.”

All expat moms love Bali. They’ve either just been there, want to go there, want to rent a villa with their visiting relatives there, or stay at a boutique resort amongst the rice paddies in Ubud. Exotic Bali is the go-to place for Singapore expats. You don’t know what to do on your next break? Go to Bali. Your relatives are coming? Go to Bali. It’s your honeymoon, wedding anniversary, 40th birthday…
go to Bali!

“Lombok is the way Bali used to be.”

As soon as the expat mom reserves her tickets for Bali, the first person she meets will say: “Bali? You should go to Lombok. It’s the way Bali used to be.” On a scale of one to ten, this will annoy the expat mom about a ten. Especially since she will hear that exact same thing from about ten different and totally random people. Suddenly her hairdresser, the taxi driver, the cashier at the grocery store are all experts on Lombok. “But I thought Bali…” you will try to say. “No,” they will mock you. “Bali is so last year. You really should have chosen Lombok.” And, you really
should
go to Lombok. As long as you realize that as soon as you buy your tickets, they will say: “Lombok? You should go to Bhutan.”

“I read it in the Straits Times.”

The expat mom may read the local newspaper but she has the front page of her newspaper from back home as her browser homepage. This serves different purposes. She already knows what the weather is like when her mom calls, she can see how cheap books are back home, and how her favourite soccer team fared over the weekend. It’s a good way to keep up with the gossip about those hometown starlets and disgraced politicians that never feature in the Straits Times.

“Singapore is so safe.”