Diary of an Expat in Singapore (6 page)

The Indian expat launches websites, compares ways to best store a sari in Singapore, and discusses the heat in Mumbai. Expect lengthy discussions on where to buy gold, the benefits of eating paneer, and whether or not to get PR (Permanent Residence).

Singaporeans: Most likely to be indoors studying.

The Singaporean, not an expat per se, since this is after all her country, is too much an integral part of the expat’s life to not be included. First of all, do not expect to see Singaporean kids around the condo. If you do meet a mom, she is very likely carrying a heavy textbook to brush up on her math before tutoring her child. If it is the PSLE (Primary School Leaving Exam) time of year, you won’t see her for weeks. Do not feel rejected. Remember when she told you she only moved to this condo because it was within the one-kilometre range of the primary school she wanted her child to attend? She wasn’t joking.

Aussies: Most likely to be throwing shrimp on the barbie.

Whether it’s having a glass of wine al fresco or organizing barbecues, the Aussie expat knows how to have a good time. Voted most likely to wear flip-flops at the Raffles Hotel, the expat from Down Under is the definition of informal. Just don’t try to compare the beaches in Southeast Asia with those in Australia. And never ask him if he’s been on an episode of ‘Bondi Rescue’. Steer clear of coffee as well. When in doubt, tell him Australia is your Plan B… he’ll understand.

“It’s like being on vacation.”

There is nobody more enthusiastic about Singapore than the first-time visitor. As he lays by your pool in December, the grey skies and chilly winds he left behind a distant memory, he will think he died and went to heaven. Then a jackhammer breaks the idyllic silence and the only one speaking in a normal tone of voice is you. Later, as he watches you put a mosquito patch on your child before heading to the playground, he might ask: “Dengue? What’s dengue?” His enthusiasm will noticeably wane from that moment on.

“Is it always so hot here?”

It is day three and severe dehydration has set in. The crippling jet lag has made the first-time visitor grouchy. Fighting a strong urge to flee to Changi Airport, he decides that he doesn’t actually care for the weather as much as he originally thought he did. It’s too darn hot. And, the fact that last night he invited you out for drinks and after graciously picking up the tab realized he wiped out his entire trip’s budget… doesn’t help.

“It doesn’t look like it’s going to rain.”

When the first-time visitor comes back home dripping wet because he refused to take the umbrella you offered and couldn’t find a taxi, resist the temptation to mumble: “I told you so.” According to Dante, no other words in the spoken language hurt quite as much. If you value your friendship, refrain. Gently remind the visitor that in Singapore it is advisable to carry an umbrella regardless of how the sky looks.

“Why is the air con on all the time?”

The first-time visitor views air con disparagingly. An unnecessary luxury. He secretly thinks: “I would never waste all that money on electricity. I would just keep the windows open and enjoy the breeze.” He is still blissfully unaware that any breeze that comes in feels like a
scirocco
from the Sahara.

“Can you turn the air con on?!”

It is day five and the visitor’s body has still not fully acclimatized. The street is too hot, the shade by the pool is too hot, the visitor is just too hot. He now knows there is only one thing that can take him out of his misery: air conditioning. Just pass him the remote control and point to the snowflake.

“I love walking.”

The visitor professes a love for walking second to none. He may very well have strolled down the cobblestoned streets of London and the tree-lined boulevards of Paris, but he has never walked through the CBD (Central Business District) at noon. To avoid dampening his enthusiasm, do not let on at first that Singapore isn’t really a walking city. Just send him to one of the city’s many parks. MacRitchie Reservoir, for example. Sure it has ravenous monkeys but what’s the alternative? City walking? Not unless you want heat stroke. Soon enough, the wannabe walking visitor will ask: “Or should we maybe take a taxi?”

“If I had a pool, I would always be by the pool.”