Desperation of Love (12 page)

He takes my hand and leads me over to the beautiful setup he’s created. We sit down, and Alex situates the pillows so they are surrounding us. “Are you hungry?”

“Sure. Whatcha got?”

“We’ve got a French baguette, cold cuts, cheese, grapes and wine.”

“Wow. That all sounds great, but I don’t think I’m in the mood for any of that right now. I have something more specific in mind,” I say, coming up on my knees in front of him. I place a quick kiss on his lips and use my hands to push him back onto the pillows and undo the button and zipper on his pants.

“Jordan, what are you doing?”

“I’m taking what I want,” I say, pushing his pants down slightly so that they’re no longer in my way. I feel him over his boxers and can tell that he’s ready for me. I bite down on my lip seductively, and slowly lower his boxers until his erection is freed.

“Shit, baby.” I wrap my right hand around his length, causing Alex to let out a low groan. His reaction excites me. Suddenly, I just want to make him feel as good as he makes me feel. I kiss and lick the tip of it then smile up at him. “Mmm, it’s gourmet,” I say, stroking him.

“You’re crazy,” he says with a chuckle, which turns into a growl when I take as much of him as I can into my mouth. I grip the base with my hand and begin to move it in time with my mouth, quickening the pace. He carefully pushes my hair out of my face and grasps it loosely, pulling it out of my way. I continue my assault on him, sucking, licking and stroking him, speeding up the pace and intensity after a while. After a few minutes, his whole body tenses up. “Fuck, baby, stop. I don’t want to come in your mouth.” I gaze up at him but never stop what I’m doing. Next thing I know, I’ve lost the taste of him. Alex is lifting me up and positioning me over him so that I’m straddling him. “I want you so bad right now.” He sighs.

I smile down at him. “Then take me.”

“I can’t,” he says, reaching up to cup my already taut breasts. “I don’t have a condom.”

I quickly undo the buttons on my shirt, revealing a light peach bra. “It’s okay. I get the depo shot every few months. I’m protected. I trust you.”

Alex pushes himself up to a sitting position while keeping me on his lap. He pushes my bra down until my breasts spill out. He palms one while his mouth works over the other. He releases my breast and grabs me by the nape of my neck, pulling me down until my lips are on his. He places a quick kiss on my lips. “I’m clean. I promise you.”

“I believe you,” I reply.

His hands descend until they reach my hips. He fingers the waist line of my shorts. “Take these off,” he orders me. I move fast, lifting myself up off him and removing my shorts and underwear. He pulls his pants and boxers completely off and pulls me back down until I’m positioned over him again. “This is going to be quick,” he warns.

“Make it hard too,” I reply with a grin. I wrap my arms around his neck as he guides me down onto his length.

“I can do hard,” he says, lowering his torso until his back is down on the pillows again. He thrusts his hips up, the motion hitting me deep. I moan out in pleasure and begin rocking my hips as I move with him. He grabs onto my breasts and I place my hands over his, letting myself feel along with him. We pick up the speed until we are both in a frenzy, a power struggle of sorts, holding onto each other, trying to get even closer. I lower my torso down until our bodies meet and we’re chest to chest. I kiss him, claiming his mouth in the same way that he often claims mine. His hands move down and he grabs my ass. My orgasm hits hard, taking hold of me as it blows through my entire body. Alex tightens his hold on me, kissing me harder, drowning out my screams of pleasure. “Oh, fuck.” He groans, his lips still on my mouth. His hands move up, tangling in my hair as he comes, spilling his seed inside of me. “This isn’t why I brought you here, you know?” He laughs after we’ve both collapsed onto the pillows.

“I know,” I say with a giggle. “But I was hungry.”

He cups my chin in his hand and grins. “My baby likes it rough.”

“You weren’t complaining,” I point out.

“Never,” he replies, kissing me on my nose. “But can we eat actual food now?”

“Yes.” I reach over to the picnic basket, grab a bunch of grapes, and start feeding him.

“Mmm, I could get used to this kind of treatment.”

“Yeah, well, you deserve it. But don’t get too used to it,” I say, poking him in the chest.

He gives me a shy smile. “Believe me, I won’t.” His words make my chest hurt, and I desperately wish that I could take mine back. I was just trying to be funny and he knows that, but he can’t forget all the times that he was treated like he didn’t matter enough. “Hey.” He tugs a piece of my hair. “I didn’t mean to bring you down. Let’s not let bad stuff ruin this, okay?”

“Okay,” I agree, letting the bad energy dissipate. I allow myself to bask in the here and now, me and Alex in our teepee, enjoying each other. Savoring the fact that someone finally gets me, sees me for who I really am, understands my fears and reservations, and perhaps even shares them.

I left Jordan’s house in a rush this morning. I told her I wanted to get out of her hair so she could work in peace, but really, I just needed time alone to think. I went to the gym to blow off some steam before coming into the recording studio to get some work done and oversee the construction. With Jordan, it seems like I always take two steps forward then one step back. I can’t deny that she’s made progress in her struggles with letting me in, but this morning’s conversation kind of threw me for a loop.

I roll on top of Jordan, pinning her hands up over her head. I can’t seem to get enough of her and I’m more than ready to go for round two. She wraps her legs around my waist and giggles. “Again?”

“Yeah.” I grin, kissing the exposed skin of her neck. “We have to do it as much as we can now because one day, when we’re a really old married couple and I’ve built up an immunity to all the performance enhancing drugs, we’ll have these moments to look back on,” I say, trying to keep a straight face.

She laughs, lifts up her head to kiss my cheek and then looks me in the eye. “I’ll never get married, Alex,” she says, shaking her head. “This is enough for me. Allowing myself to be in this relationship is more than I ever thought I’d let myself have. I don’t think I could handle more than that.”

And just like that, the moment is dead. I release her hands and lift myself off her, bringing myself to a sitting position next to her. She sits up as well, sensing that we’re about to have this discussion. “I respect your feelings on marriage, babe. I know why you feel the way you do, but I just don’t think you should rule it out completely. You don’t know how you’re going to feel about it in a year or two.” 

She curls up into my lap, wraps her arms around my neck and lets out a sigh. “Can we just agree that now is not the time to talk about this? It’s just too soon.”

“Yeah, we can do that,” I relent, grabbing onto her hips.

She tilts her head and looks at me for a moment. “I hate that look.”

“What look?”

“The look of disappointment. I seem to put it on your face a lot.”

“Don’t. Don’t do that,” I say, sliding my arms around her waist. “I don’t want you to feel bad for being yourself or telling me the truth. I’m not always going to like what you have to say but I still want to hear it.”

“But you are disappointed?”

“I don’t know if disappointed is the word I’d use.”

“What then?”

“I don’t know, Jordan. Sad, maybe? That you still won’t allow yourself to accept this fully and not fear the future. We have no control over any of it, so why let it stop you from doing what you want? It’s not like I’m going to ask you to marry me tomorrow or next year even. I guess I’d just like to know that I have the option if I want to do it one day.”

She buries her face in the crook of my neck. “I’ll think about it, okay?”

“That’s all I ask.” I hold onto her a little tighter and place a kiss on her forehead.

Jordan telling me that she never wants to get married came as a shock. Why it shocked me, I have no idea. This is the girl who didn’t even want to have a relationship, so why would it surprise me that she doesn’t want to get married either? It makes sense that she would feel that way. I guess I just never really thought about it. I never really thought about myself getting married either, but now that she’s in my life, I assumed that would be an eventuality. It’s the natural progression of a relationship and I decided that I want it one day because I love her, but she’s never admitted that she loves me. I get the feeling that she does but I don’t know if she can even recognize the emotion, or if she’s too deep in denial to realize it. I catch movement out of the corner of my eye and realize that Victor is sitting across the room.

I nod in his general direction. “When did you get here?”

“A few minutes ago. You wanna tell me what’s going on with you?” he questions as he sorts through a stack of papers sitting on his desk.

“What kind of question is that? What do you mean?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “You were off in space just now.” He pauses for second before starting up again. “You know, Ellie and I thought we would see you more often once you moved down here, but I think we see you less now than we did when you lived in the city.”

“I’m just adjusting. I’m getting my house together, working out, getting this place up and running. I’m just busy.” I can hear the attitude in my voice and I try to get it under control, but today is not the day for confrontations. I can’t process much more.

He gives me a shit-eating grin and comes around to the other side of his desk. He leans on it, crossing his arms over his chest and his feet at his ankles. “Have you been spending any more time with Jordan?” He probes, phrasing the question in a way that makes me believe he might already know the answer.

“What?” I laugh his question off, trying to make it seem like it’s a preposterous idea.

“Don’t do that,” he says, jerking his chin in my direction. All traces of humor are now gone. “I know you better than anyone.”

“Do what, little brother?” I question, shrugging my shoulders at him.

“Blow off the question like it’s absurd. She’s beautiful and I know you two have always had a …
friendly
relationship.”

“A friendly relationship … Yes, we do because we are friends.”

“Friends with benefits?” I can see the smirk tugging at his lips.

“What are you, a girl? You want to go grab a cup of coffee and talk about our emotions and our sex lives? How is it with you and Ellie now, by the way? I hear women can’t get enough when they’re pregnant.”

He laughs, thank God. That comment could’ve gone either way. I’m surprised he didn’t punch me in the face. I would have deserved it. “I’ll skip the coffee, and for the record, I’m not complaining about my sex life. It’s very satisfying.”

“Good to know. I’ll file that away in my memory to discuss in more detail next time we’re hanging at the mall.”

“You’re a shit, you know that?” He laughs. “Seriously, though. I love Jordan. She reminds me a lot of my wife when I first met her. She has a lot of the same fears that Ellie had. Just be careful with her. I think you could be good for her if you take it slow.”

“I love her.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. I can’t believe I said them out loud and I want to take them back but it’s too late. Victor looks at me, eyes wide, mouth open, stunned silent, I imagine. “Say something,” I say, needing him to acknowledge what I’ve just admitted, anything to let me know he’s okay with what I just confessed.

“Maybe we
should
get that coffee,” he says. I burst out laughing.

I would never willingly admit this to anyone, but we actually did go and get coffee. After catching Victor up on what’s been happening between me and Jordan, and making him swear not to tell Ellie about us (which was not easy), I drive home. I pull into the driveway to find Jordan’s car parked out front. I’m glad that she feels comfortable enough to go and come in my house as she pleases. I like the idea of coming home and finding her here. Confessing my feelings for Jordan, even though they were to my brother, settles my frayed nerves.