Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (58 page)

SWINGERS

The best of friends.

The logistics of swapping

Most of our friends know that my wife and I are into threesomes. One friend offered herself, and my wife approved. After we had set a date, our friend said to my wife, “We’ll do your husband, then you can do mine.” The problem is that my wife doesn’t find our friend’s husband sexually appealing or even moderately friendly. We are new to swinging. Is this sort of swapping considered routine? I don’t want my wife to feel pressured.—S.S., San Diego, California

You ran into a swinger with a plan. Generally, those involved in the lifestyle don’t attempt to swap mates, because the odds are good that at least one person among the four won’t find his or her potential partner appealing. Many couples who enjoy swapping are handicapped because one partner (usually it’s the woman) is more attractive than the other. So typically the woman will scout for a suitable couple and imply a threesome. If a couple shows interest, the husband suddenly appears to join the conversation. These couples soon earn a reputation, and experienced swingers avoid them. We suggest you back out of this situation gracefully.

When three’s not a crowd

How many people does it take to have an orgy?—W.S., Los Angeles, California

Technically? Two is a couple, and three is a threesome. Four could be described as an orgy, but more likely it’s two couples, or a threesome and a guy saying, “I thought this was an orgy.” Five is more likely a threesome and a couple. Six could be two threesomes or three couples or a couple, a threesome and the same poor sap. You get the idea. It’s an orgy when you lose count.

Orgy food

What food should be served at a swing party?—S.B., Rochester, New York

We’ve never eaten anything at a swing party that could be swallowed, but one sex gourmet tells us the smart host organizes a potluck of lighter fare. As for refreshments, experienced swingers serve coffee instead of booze. “Many people won’t fulfill their fantasies unless they’re in an altered state,” our source says. “That way they can say, ‘It wasn’t my fault.’ But swingers have accepted what we’re about.”

Swinging softly

Among wife swappers, what is the meaning of the term
soft swinging
?—M.D., Hartford, Connecticut

Don’t call them wife swappers. Swingers are actually husband swappers, because the wives control all the sexual activity. Most people understand soft swinging to include nudity, massage and some sexual touching. You start by socializing and stop wherever you feel comfortable. Other soft swingers have intercourse, but only with the person they came with. In
The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers
, Terry Gould notes two other distinctions: Open swingers exchange partners with another couple in the same room, while closed swingers exchange partners and retire to separate rooms. Swingers never refer to themselves by these terms; they simply say “Yes” or “No, thank you.”

Swinging seems sleazy

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We both have MBAs and high-income jobs. A year ago we decided to add more zest to our sex life by finding a couple to swap with. At the risk of sounding snobbish, we’re looking for classy experiences, not quickies in a hot tub. We spent time browsing sites on the Internet, responded to personal ads in an alternative paper and researched the local swingers’ scene. But the couples we’ve met have been crude and unappealing, and many seem desperate to save failing relationships. Frankly, it all seems sort of sleazy. Does the Advisor have any suggestions?—V.B., St. Paul, Minnesota

Don’t use your local or online experiences as a barometer; the lifestyle attracts every type of person you can imagine, and there are many swingers who enjoy the socializing as much as the sex. Throw your line into a larger pond. There is a swingers’ gathering every summer in Nevada that attracts 3,000 couples from around the world (for information, visit lifestyles-convention.com). If your experience is typical, you’ll form a clique or a clique will find you.

That woman looks familiar

Last night when my husband and I were opening responses to our ad in a swingers’ magazine, he went pale. One letter included a photo of a nude woman, and it was his sister. We had no idea she and her new husband were swingers and we don’t think she knows we are (we use a pseudonym in our ads). My husband says we should return the letter and photo marked “not interested” and say nothing more. I argue that we should discuss the situation with them, because our paths are sure to cross. I’m not suggesting that we swing with them, but perhaps they could benefit from our experience. What do you think?—M.J., New York, New York

Small world, eh? Acknowledge the letter for exactly the reason you state. Rather than send a written reply, invite your sister-in-law and her husband to dinner. Don’t reveal your shared lifestyle with the idea that they might benefit from your experience—who says they’re beginners? Simply explain that you wanted to acknowledge the unusual situation in a comfortable, familiar setting rather than after rounding the corner at a party. Then have a good laugh. It’s a great story, after all, and your husband couldn’t buy a better opening line than “Say, do you know my sister?”

Games swingers play

The wives in our swinging group have agreed to participate in a game they call Who’s Down There? The women will be blindfolded and receive cunnilingus from each man in turn. Each woman will try to guess which tongue belongs to her husband. The problem we’re having is that no one can agree on the details. Are the women naked? Are the lights on? Are the women in a group or isolated? Is there a time limit, a referee, spectators, video equipment? Some members of the group have expressed reservations about playing unless we have formal rules. However, everyone agreed to abide by the Advisor’s recommendations.—D.W., Tucson, Arizona

The women should be naked, which means the lights must be on. One room. No cameras. Three minutes on the egg timer. When the bell rings, the men rotate. Ideally, none of the men have facial hair, or they all do. No touching besides tongue to vulva. No sounds besides moans. Round one ends only after each woman has climaxed at least once. Round two begins when the men have been given the blindfolds. Rounds three and beyond you can figure out for yourself.

My girlfriend and I joined some neighbors for a swing party. We were impressed by the number of games the host couple invented to entertain everyone. After each guest had been introduced (most of us knew one another), all the men left the room. One of the men was blindfolded, as was a woman. When the group came together, we surrounded the blindfolded couple and watched as they tried to identify each other by touch alone. Next, all the women were blindfolded to see if they could recognize their partners by kiss. That progressed to oral sex. The men then wore the blindfolds, and the roles reversed. We are interested in hosting a party and wondered if you had any ideas as to how we could make it as fun and innovative as our neighbors did.—M.B., Toronto, Ontario

The downside of these type of games is that they put guests on the spot, and not everyone is comfortable performing for a group or being intimate with strangers. Typically, swingers first get to know each other in a nonsexual context. Robert McGinley, president of the North American Swing Club Association (NASCA), suggests this icebreaker for parties at which everyone is already acquainted: The women form a circle facing outward. The men form a circle around the women facing inward. Each person begins opposite his or her partner. The host instructs the women, and then the men, on how to interact with their partners. It might be as simple as running fingers softly down the person’s cheek, or caressing his or her arms, or a quick shoulder rub. At the host’s cue, each guest removes an item of clothing, and the women take one step to the right. The new couples interact per the host’s instructions. The action can become more intimate following each rotation, but it usually doesn’t progress beyond a kiss or hug. The process repeats itself until the circle has rotated 360 degrees and the women are again facing their partners. “By that point everyone is naked and probably very turned on,” says McGinley. “It’s nice to have your partner right in front of you, so you can act on whatever urges you’re feeling.”

How to start a swing club

A female friend took me to a swingers’ club in Kentucky and we had a great time. The club charged $35 per couple as an entrance fee, and $50 for single guys. We filled out applications at the door to become members and to attest we weren’t cops or reporters. The booze and food prices were outrageous. With at least 50 couples inside, the club must have made a fortune. I recently lost my job. What better way to get back on my feet than to start a sex club? I’m sure that wherever I set up the local authorities will fuck with me, but if I’m not breaking any laws, what can they do?—B.J., Laurelville, Ohio

If they disapprove, they’ll find a way to harass you out of existence. The club you visited sounds like it’s ready to be closed down—first, because it had you join at the door, and second, because it sold booze and food. Both make it look suspiciously like a business, which invites scrutiny from zoning, health and tax authorities. That’s why most owners don’t open their doors to the public. Instead, they collect applications and dues at a separate office (but also may charge party fees at the door). They also have members bring their own alcohol. Sex isn’t the stated reason most clubs get shut down—it’s noise complaints and parking problems. It helps to have a few cops and bigwigs as active members. And you may want to host parties somewhere other than your home. One Chicago-area owner decided with her husband to move their events to local hotels. “I want my house back,” she says. “People pee in our hot tub, they leave their shaving cream, razors and pubic hair everywhere, they drink too much because they’re nervous and then throw up on my floor. We started with a house where we hosted fun parties and ended up living in a swing club.” Even sex club owners need a hug sometimes. As for profits, you might make some money, but “it’s not the road to millions,” says a NASCA spokesman. He means dollars, not partners.

What should we expect?

My wife and I have decided to try swinging. What should we expect on a first meeting with another couple?—A.M., Grand Rapids, Michigan

Don’t expect anything. That way, you won’t be disappointed. In most cases it takes at least two dates before couples are comfortable enough with one another to have sex. In the event that either you or your wife aren’t interested in a swap, work out a subtle signal to alert each other. One couple we know turns over a spoon at dinner.

My wife is a different woman when we swing

Last year my wife and I began swapping with another couple. When my wife fucks the other guy, she has more and stronger orgasms. She is also less inhibited. When we have sex, I do most of the work. My wife claims that her behavior is due to the “newness” of the situation. Now that I’ve seen what she’s capable of, I’m thinking I should call off the swap. Is this just a common risk of swinging or is there a corrective action I can take?—S.V., Lakewood, Ohio

Many guys who have the opportunity are surprised to see how differently their wives react when they’re with someone else. The best explanation: Your wife is enjoying her fantasy of being with a relative stranger, whereas the sex in a long-term relationship tends to be more comfortable (sometimes too comfortable). Your wife also is being shown hard evidence that a stranger finds her desirable, which will perk up anyone’s interest. If you’re uncomfortable with the swap, suspend it. No matter what, you need to make sex as a couple less predictable. Arrange to share a few private fantasies—something out of the ordinary but perhaps as simple as a blindfold—and see what reaction you get.

Do married swingers last longer?

A female swinger who is a friend of my wife’s wanted to have a gang bang. Her husband lined up four single guys, but his wife was disappointed because the fun lasted only an hour. When my wife told me this story, I said I wasn’t surprised. Single guys are into pleasing themselves, which is why they’re single. Married guys are into pleasing women, which is why they’re married. I know this isn’t always the case, but what does the Advisor think?—W.B., College Station, Texas