Dear Coca-Cola (2 page)

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K

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

18th April

Karen Davies

Ferrero UK Ltd

Rickmansworth

Herts

Dear Karen Davies

Thank you for your letter of 15th April and the free jar of Nutella. Yes, I am sure I will enjoy it – the quality of Nutella was never in any doubt, it was just that as your label said 'Hazelnut Chocolate Spread' I not unreasonably expected something with nuts in it. Maybe you should consider making your label a little clearer in this regard?

Now I have some good news for you! I believe you may have accidentally stumbled on a really exciting new advertising slogan for your product. It is contained in the last sentence of your letter. I refer of course to your phrase 'You cannot feel the nuts!' (The exclamation mark is mine.) It definitely has a ring to it, that certain
je ne sais quoi
which all great advertising slogans have, a sort of cross between 'You can't tell Stork from butter' and 'Nuts, whole hazelnuts, Cadburys make 'em and they cover them with chocolate'. If you were to use this slogan in a television commercial I am quite sure the sales of Nutella would hit the roof. Comedy is used to great effect in commercials these days, so might I suggest the following:-

SCENE: A SULTAN'S HAREM.

A EUNUCH IS SPOONING NUTELLA INTO HIS MOUTH DIRECTLY FROM THE JAR, WITH OBVIOUS ENJOYMENT. ONE OF THE SULTAN'S WIVES, SCANTILY-DRESSED IN BRA AND DIAPHANOUS PANTALOONS, IS FONDLING THE EUNUCH IN THE GROIN AREA OF HIS TROUSERS. THEY TURN TO THE CAMERA IN UNISON AND SAY: -

“
You cannot feel the nuts!”

Or is that a bit too saucy? I look forward to hearing from you with your comments.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

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FERRERO

1923) 890566

21 April

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your second letter regarding Nutella.

I will pass your suggestion for the new Nutella advertisement on to my colleagues in theMarketing Department.

Once again, thank you for taking the time and trouble to write.

Yours sincerely

Karen Davies

Customer Relations Department

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

18th March

Ena Baxter

Baxters of Speyside Ltd

Fochabers

Moray

Scotland

Dear Baxter's Soup

I have been buying your Cock-a-Leekie soup for many years, and an absolutely splendid soup it is too. It is with no small regret then that I must now make a complaint about it; for on opening my most recent can, taste buds at the ready and appetite fully whetted, I was surprised to discover that the contents of the can were ninety per cent rice. Now I like rice as much as the next man - as long as the next man isn't a Chinaman of course - but ninety per cent is a bit too much rice even for a man who likes rice.

There is no doubt a fault with your rice dispenser and you would do well to have it checked out. Fortunately I had another can of Cock-a-Leekie in the cupboard, and I am happy to report that on opening it I found it to be well up to Baxters usual excellent standard.

I am sure that being Scottish you will be glad to learn that the original faulty can wasn't wasted. Parsimony as well as necessity being the mother of invention, I drained off what little liquid there was, added milk and sugar to taste, and had it as a rice pudding for afters. And very nice it was too, the slight chicken flavour of the rice adding a little extra interest to what can sometimes be a rather dull pudding. In fact, thinking about it, if you ever feel the urge to add puddings to your catalogue of culinary goodies you could do a lot worse than market it yourselves. Maybe you could call it 'Cock-of-Puddings'?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

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BAXTERS

24 March

Reference : 20517

Mr Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your letter of 18 March, to which Mrs Ena Baxter has asked me to give my immediate, personal attention. May I first of all say how concerned we are to learn of your disappointment with our Cock-a-Leekie Soup which you purchased recently.

We are always pleased to hear from customers how much they enjoy our products and we are consequently all the more concerned that you have purchased one which does not come up to the high standard you have come to expect.

We make our soup in huge kettles, much larger than the original Mrs Baxter ever used, and although the mix is heated up to boiling point, the vegetables are not actually "cooked" until they are sealed in a can. We do notice that, even with the huge stirrers we use, the bottom of the kettle can be thicker than the top. As we are aware of this, we take the first and the last few cans off to ensure that our discerning consumers only have the traditional Cock-a- Leekie Soup normally associated with Baxters. It would appear in this instance that you have purchased one of the cans which should have been removed. You may be sure, however, that your complaint will be the subject of investigation with our Production Manager. In order to assist us with our investigation I would be grateful if you could return to us the coded end of the can concerned, if this is still available; unfortunately the bar code on the label does not give us the information we require. I enclose a prepaid envelope for this purpose.

As a gesture of our goodwill, I have pleasure in enclosing some vouchers which will enable you to obtain replacement Baxter products from your local store. I hope you will accept these with our compliments and that you enjoy the products you choose. Also enclosed is some information about our Visitors Centre which I hope you will find of interest.

Assuring you of our best attention at all times.

Yours sincerely,

Miss M Macpherson

Quality Audit Manager

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

1st April

Miss M Macpherson

Quality Audit Manager

Baxters of Speyside Ltd

Fochabers

Your ref 20517

Dear Miss Macpherson

Thank you for your prompt and informative reply, and for the gift vouchers, which I passed on to the needy. However, your letter leaves me confused to say the least. You write that you make your soup in huge kettles, 'much larger than the original Mrs. Baxter ever used', yet your television advertisement clearly shows Edna Baxter making the soup in her kitchen using ordinary utensils. Perhaps you can clear this up for me?

I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

PS. Since my initial letter to you I have become a real fan of Cock-a-Leekie flavoured rice pudding. If you'd like to try it for yourself I've found that 85 per cent Ambrosia Creamed Rice to 15 per cent Cock-a-Leekie Soup gives the best results. If you were to market this as Cock-of-Puddings I am quite sure you would have a winner on your hands.

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BAXTERS

9
^th
April

Reference : 20517

Mr Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your letter of 1st April, further to your complaint about a can of our Cock-a-Leekie Soup.

The television advert depicting Mrs Baxter shows her developing new recipes in her kitchen. These recipes are then transferred into the factory where we indeed use huge kettles in the preparation of over 50 million cans of soup per year.

I hope this satisfactorily answers your enquiry and that we can continue to count on your valued custom.

Assuring you of our best attention at all times.

Yours sincerely,

Miss M Macpherson

Quality Audit Manager

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

11th April

Your ref 20517

Miss M Macpherson

Quality Audit Manager

Baxters of Speyside

Fochabers

Dear Miss Macpherson

You can always count on my valued custom. I have been enjoying your soups ever since I can remember, and the fact that you choose to mislead the general public with your television commercial won't stop me now.

You didn't mention whether or not you might have any interest in my idea for 'Cock-of Puddings'. Since I last wrote to you I have improved it with the addition of a little nutmeg and a hint of honey, and it really is quite something now, even if I say so myself. I had friends round for dinner the other evening and served it up as desert with a spoonful of Robertson's Raspberry Jam, and everyone present voted it an unqualified success. Indeed Laura Barker remarked that it was ‘to die for’.

My kindest regards to you.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

BAXTERS

22 April

Reference : 20517

Mr Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your recent letter, further to your original complaint about a can of our Cock-a-Leekie Soup.

We do not make desserts and hence my not picking up on your 'Cock of Pudding' suggestion.

Assuring you of our best attention at all times.

Yours sincerely,

Miss M Macpherson

Quality Audit Manager

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

25th April

Your ref 20517

Miss M Macpherson

Quality Audit Manager

Baxter's of Speyside Ltd

Fochabers

Dear Miss Macpherson

I was sorry to learn that you don't make desserts, but then at one time you didn't make soups did you, so I'm quite sure you will change your mind once you've tasted Cock-of- Puddings, a sample of which I enclose. And here’s a snap of it that you may like to use in your advertising campaign for it, which I feel sure you are bound to mount.

This is the definitive version, and consists of 4 parts of Ambrosia Creamed Rice to 1 part of Baxters Cock-a-Leekie Soup, half a teaspoon of honey, quarter of a teaspoon of minced root ginger, and a little nutmeg. Utter bliss!