Authors: Melyssa Winchester
It’s because of her.
Calm urself man. I just got out of practice.
That’s going to have to be a good enough answer because I have somewhere I need to be and it’s definitely not filling a cart with liquor. This outweighs all of that and not even my brother is going to take me away from it. I bailed on her once. I won’t do it again.
I wait a few minutes for him to respond, but when nothing comes, I pull up Isabelle’s messages from earlier and type one out quickly. I could just show up at her door, but I get the feeling she might not appreciate that too much. She doesn’t seem the type and I want to do this right.
Just got out. Omw. <3
Why the hell I put the heart at the end of the message is a mystery, but I can’t take it back and even if I could, I don’t think I want to. It’s strange staring at it because it’s actually the first time I can remember doing it. I’m pretty sure half the girls I dated would have killed for something like this from me, but I’ve never had it in me.
I’m definitely not that guy. At least I wasn’t, until now.
It’s only when I get her response back a few seconds later that I’m even happier then I was when she agreed to see me at all.
See you soon. <3
I’m not sure what’s gotten into me, but I can’t stop staring at the message and the emoticons at the end. I’ve seen her do the happy face before, it’s actually one of the things I really enjoy when we’re texting, but the heart, something new stirs inside of me. I can’t let her message sit there like that, I have to say more. I know for a fact that I’ll put the key in the ignition, start the car and drive to her, but not until I do one more thing first.
Not soon enough. I miss you.
Going through the motions, I toss my phone on the seat and focus on the road ahead of me. The road that will take me to the one place in the world, in this exact second, I want to be more than anything.
With her.
Belle
I hear his car before I see it, but before I can head for the door, I hear my mom call from behind me.
“Take this out to him. If he’s been at practice all night then it’s a sure bet the boy didn’t eat.”
I’
m pretty sure there’s more that she wants to say, but she doesn’t. I know she’s aware of the way Kayden lives. She just hasn’t gotten to see it firsthand like I have. I know she’s passing me the slices of pizza because she knows that otherwise he won’t eat at all.
“Thanks Mom.” I answer as I take the plate from her, pressing my body to hers in a weak hug. I mean it though, I’m so thankful that she just gets it and she’s okay with it.
“Remember what I said!” She calls as I turn and start walking toward the front door. “If it gets chilly, come in.”
“I will!”
As the door shuts behind me, I start making my way across the lawn. Even in the dark I can see him behind the wheel; at least I can until he turns the car off and the entire area is blanketed in darkness. I’m not sure, but I swear I saw him smiling before everything went dark and just like my mom explained; it makes my heart do the butterfly thing.
“Hey.” He says when he reaches me. “Is that for me?”
He’s pointing to the plate in my hands and I push it toward him. Once he takes it and my hands are free, I pull out my phone and text him.
My mom figured you’d be hungry after practice.
“She was right.” He says in between bites, my eyes locked on his mouth as he seems to inhale the first slice. The way he’s eating reminds me of Tristan on pizza nights. It’s identical. It must be a guy thing.
When the first slice is completely done, he wipes at the corners of his mouth with his hands and I can’t help staring at him. I’ve never done anything like this before, but there’s something about what he’s doing that draws me in and I can’t look away.
“Tell your mom I said thank you for the pizza.” He says and I focus again.
Okay.
We’re silent for a few minutes after he gets the text and I’m not sure what to do. He’s the one that said he wanted to talk to me and now that he’s here, I expected him to get right to it, but he’s doing the complete opposite.
You said you wanted to talk to me?
“Yeah I did. I’m just nervous about it.”
I’ve known Kayden a long time and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him nervous about anything. He’s actually one of the only people I know that never shows it. He’s always so confident. If he’s ne
rvous about something now, maybe I need to be worried. It’s not like he said what he wanted to talk to me about was good. I just assumed.
Did you talk to Dillon?
Is that what this is about?
I don’t ask what I really wanna know because I choke up just thinking about it. If he talked to Dillon and everything is good between them again, is he here now to tell me that he doesn’t want to hang out anymore? I don’t want to think like that, especially after he said he missed me and sent me a heart, but I don’t exactly know how guys act when they do things like this.
“Trust me Belle. This has
nothing
to do with Dillon.”
Okay then. Well, what’s up?
I’m actually trying my hardest to act like none of this is bothering me, but it is. I’m not used to him like this. If this has nothing to do with Dillon, I have no clue what it could be.
“Shit. Okay. I’m just gonna come right out and say it.”
I start to type, but stop the minute I feel his hand rest on top of mine. Looking up and catching the intense look in his eyes, I hold my breath and wait for whatever’s about to come next.
“I like you, Isabelle.”
Why is he telling me this? I already know that he likes me, considering he told me earlier that we were friends. All of this is just becoming more confusing by the second.
“Shit, that didn’t come out right did it? Of course it didn’t, because I never say anything right and damnit, I really wanna get this right!”
He takes his hand off mine and covers his face with it and I wonder what’s so hard about what he’s trying to say that’s making him act this way.
Just say what you feel.
I wait for him to get the message, thinking that when he sees it, things will be easier for him. It’s not though, as the only sound around us now is the breeze passing by. We’re stuck again.
“What do you feel, Isabelle?”
That’s a hard question for me. For a long time, I didn’t feel much at all. At least I don’t think I ever felt anything before. I always just felt numb. It’s only in the last year or so where I’ve actually started feelings things, but usually it’s for other people and has nothing to do with me.
If it will help him open up and tell me what he wants to talk about though, I’m willing to do anything. I have to sto
p being so afraid some time and there’s no better time than now. So, that’s exactly what I do. I open up the text message and start typing, not stopping until it’s all out there. I hit send before I can think it through and wait for him to get it.
It’s scary waiting for the familiar tone because I’ve just spilled everything out. I haven’t even admitted it to myself, but this isn’t just some random person
I’m telling it to. This is Kayden. He’s the first boy I ever cared about.
The first boy I ever loved.
For a long time I hated you, but not because of the names you called me. I hated you because when you left that day almost eight years ago and never came back, you broke my heart. You were my only friend and I wasn’t enough for you. I don’t remember feeling anything after that, not until two weeks ago. Since then I’ve been feeling a lot of different things and they scare me, but I know what it all means now.
“What d—does it
mean?” he stammers as he takes in everything I’ve written.
It means I like you, Kayden. I like you a lot.
Kayden
I’
m one of the most confident SOB’s alive.
When I’m on the field, I own it. I make it my
own and nothing can stop me. I’m in a zone like no other and I am the best at what I do. When I’m with Dillon and the others, he might think he runs the show, but everyone knows that I do, or at least I did before Isabelle came back into my life. I can talk myself easily out of any situation I find myself in, especially with adults.
I have never
had a moment of self doubt. At least I didn’t until that day in my car when she told me that if I wanted to be different then to be different. Everything changed that day. I doubt myself a lot more and right now, the way I’m acting proves it.
Telling her I like her isn’t enough because I don’t just like her. I’m in love with this girl, but I know I can’t tell her that. It’s too soon and I don’t want t
o scare her away. I’ve only loved one person before, so it’s all I have to base this on and that person lost the right to have my love a long time ago. Isabelle is different. She doesn’t have to earn it; I freely want to give it to her.
I want to give her all of me even if she deserves so much better.
What she texted me, I don’t know how to respond. I had no idea that she felt that way when we stopped hanging out back then, but considering everything that’s happened since, I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet that even if I did know, I wouldn’t have cared. I really wasn’t lying when I said I was a first class asshole.
Things are different now. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I want to be the one that I always
ripped on other people for being. I want to be the one that loves, protects, adores and cherishes. I want to be a Valentine’s Day card brought to life, even if I suck at it. I want to do that and more, but not for just anyone.
Only for Isabelle.
It means that I like you, Kayden. I like you a lot.
It was supposed to be me making the night perfect and with a couple of words, she’s taken it from me. When I asked her what she felt, she didn’t hesitate telling me and it’s about damn time I do the same for her. Whatever nervousness I feel about the way this might go is gone now. She’s taken that away too.
“I like you too, Isabelle and it’s more than just a lot.”
What does that mean?
“It means that I lied to you at lunch. You’re more than just a friend to me. I think you always have been, if that makes sense. I just know that what I feel for you, it’s something I’ve never felt before and I’m so damn scared I’m gonna screw it up. I really, really, really don’t wanna screw it up.”
You like me?
This girl I swear. Normally if someone acted like this around me, I would just get up and walk away, but with her I’m completely frozen in place. Even if I wanted to get up, I can’t. She consumes me so completely. It’s her lack of understanding and her childlike innocence that I love most about her. She’s unlike anyone I’ve ever known.
I more than like you.
Before she can respond I type out another one and hit send, knowing how cheesy it’s going to sound, but no longer caring. I’m willing to be the king of cheese, whipped or whatever else, as long as it’s with her.
Will you be my girlfriend?
Two things happen the minute she sees the text and I’m not sure which one affects me more. First I see the tear as it slides down from her eye, followed up by another one, but before I can reach out and wipe them away what she does next stops me in my tracks.
Her lips curve up and for the first time since I’ve known her, or at least of what I can remember of my time with her, she does it.
She smiles.
Belle
Contrary to what people think, I can remember smiling before. It’s not like I’ve never done it or something. It’s just been a really long time since it’s happened. The only time I’ve ever really smiled in the last couple of years has bee
n because of Tristan. It’s true what they tell you about little kids. It’s hard not to smile around them and my little brother is no different. He can get to me in a way that the rest of the world can’t, at least until the exact second I read the text from Kayden.
Something shifted when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Fo
r the first time in so long, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I didn’t need a little kid to get me there. This time it’s all on him.
I’m not
sure the best thing to say to a guy you like is how much you hated him, but this is the way I am. I tell the truth always, even when it might hurt and with Kayden especially, he deserves it. I guess in a way, my mom was right, because when I told him everything a few minutes ago, I knew my worth. No matter how he took it, at least I know I was completely honest and left nothing a secret.
I wasn’t intending to cry. Normally when that happ
ens, there’s this buildup and I can feel it happening before the tears actually fall. This time, they escaped before I even realized what was happening and I didn’t want to stop them. These weren’t because of someone intentionally trying to hurt me. They were because of the overwhelming happiness I feel inside.
“Isabelle…”
That’s something different too or at least something I never paid much attention to before. The way it feels when he says my name. My mind is always running. There is always something going on inside and most of the time, whatever it is, it’s so strong that I can barely register much else. When he says my name though, especially this time, everything seems to just go still and for once, it’s quiet and he’s the only sound I hear.
The reaction I’m having is part of the reason I asked my mom to make the appointment for me earlier. If it feels this way for me, I wonder if it will feel the same way for him when I finally do speak. I know I’ve done it a few times over the last couple of weeks, but it’s never been because of something this good. I forced out his name the day he saved me from Dillon and I yelled at him the day he picked on Eric. When I want to speak most though, i
n moments like this, it won’t come and it just makes me want to fix this even more.
He should know how he makes me feel and it shouldn’t come in a text. I want to be able to tell him aloud how just one simple question made me lose my breath, brought butterflies floating up until I can almost feel the fluttering head to toe. He should know that my brain feels fuzzy and my entire body is warm, because he’s the one that caused it.
“I dreamt about this.”
He what?
“Yeah, I know. It’s weird.”
The last thing that comes to mind when I think about Kayden is that anything about him is weird. I might not understand what he means by what he’s saying, but it’s definitely not weird. I know what weird is because I live it every single day.
It’s not weird. I just don’t understand what you mean.
“You know how shit is with Dean—
well, there was this one night, I don’t remember when, but he was going off on me like usual and all I could think about was you smiling at me.”
Usually when people think of me, it’s a pity thing or in a bad way. Hearing Kayden now, his reaction completely different than any I’ve ever experienced, I don’t know what to say. It’s made worse by what happened to make him think of me.
He’s right. I do know what his life is like with Dean. I know a lot about it. I just wish I didn’t. Even when we weren’t speaking to each other, I hated the way his life was and hearing about it now makes me hate it even more. No matter what kind of person he is, he doesn’t deserve what Dean puts him through.
“I said something wrong didn’t I?”
No. You said everything right.
“Then why do you look so sad?”
Dean.
It’s silent for a few seconds after he gets the text and I wonder if we’re about to go back to the way we were before. It’s only when he turns his body toward me, pulling me to him that I know I’ve got nothing to be scared of.
“I don’t want you to worry about him okay? I know what happened the other day scared you, but I swear to you, I can handle it and I’m fine.”
I
try my hardest to focus on his words and believe in them, but with the way his hand is running up and down my back it’s hard to think of anything but the way he moves. His hands aren’t even on my skin, but with every movement, he’s making me feel like I’m on fire, like he’s burning me.
Yes.
It’s the only thing left to say now, at least for me. He asked me a question and I got so caught up in the feelings that I didn’t answer it. I just hope he knows what I’m trying to say as he reads it.
“Yes? Are you saying—
is this about us or what I said about Dean?”
It happens again and this time
it doesn’t just affect my lips, but my entire face. I can feel my cheekbones rise and my eyes crunch in. This smile is definitely different than before, but because of the way I’m positioned in his chest, he can’t see it.
Ask me again and find out.
He laughs, not as loud as times before, but he does exactly what my text says just the way I hoped he would.
“Isabelle, will you be my girlfriend?”
I already have the ‘yes’ text from before copied and pasted back into the texting box so before he gets the words out, I send it and as the ringtone goes off, I smile again. Before I can stop though, he catches it.
“How many times have you done it now?”
I feel the heat rise in my cheeks and I try to bury my face in his chest. Not letting me hide from him, he leans down and uses his hand to bring my face up until I’m looking only look at him.
“Tell me.”
Holding up my hand, I lift three fingers, bringing the other two down and smile again. Taking his hand and pressing it to mine he pulls the fourth finger up and meets my smile with one of his own.
“I’m just gonna pull the last finger up too, okay? Because you’re totally gonna do it again.”
He brings my pinky finger up until our hands are completely open and pressed together. Blushing and lowering my head, it slips past my lips and I’m not sure which one of us is more shocked by it.
It was one thing when I smiled at him, my first real smile for someone other than my family, but this is something else entirely. Laughing is something I really don’t remember
doing at all and here I am doing it and all it took was him.
“Holy shit! Y
ou just laughed.”
The minute I smile again, he grins at me and nods toward our hands.
“I told you.”
With everything that’s
happened I haven’t paid much attention to how close we really are to each other. When he lifted my chin so that he could see me, it put our faces in perfect proportion to each other. Noticing it now reminded me of the time in the park when we had been this close and exactly what happened because of it.
The way his eyes are looking down at me, tender
, just like my mom told me earlier, I know what’s about to happen next. I’m just not sure I’m ready for it.
“Belle, I am so…”
He stops himself and his eyes go wide, like he can’t believe what he was about to say and it annoys me because I really want him to finish his thought. Pulling my hand away from his, I start typing. At the exact moment I hit send, he slides the phone out of my hand and lays it down on the other side of him. It’s only when he does the same with his phone that I start to worry what he’s about to do next.
He knows that’s the only way we can communicate, at least it is until I can talk to my doctor, so taking it away is only going to make things uncomfortable and right now that’s the last thing I want.
“No more phones, Belle. I don’t want to talk anymore.”
Kayden
Sitting here with her like this, I’m starting to remember things that for whatever reason I pushed out of my mind. Well, I know why I pushed it all down, because it came from my mom before she split, but why I’m thinking about it now really doesn’t make any sense.
I wasn’t always a total ass. I used to be a pretty good kid or at least that’s how I remember it anyway. I made friends easily with everyone in the neighborhood, helped people when I saw they needed it and generally had a pretty good time. It’s only when she bailed that everything seemed to change and I became the person that’s sitting with Isabelle now.
Well, maybe not the person sitting with her because I’m not sure what version of me is sitting here right now. I like to think it’s a middle ground between the good kid I used to be and the monster I became when she split. I’m not stupid enough to think I’ve been cured of the asshole gene, but I know I’m not as big a one as I was before.
It’s the way Isabelle smiled a
t me and when she laughed that’s bringing all of these old memories back to the surface. For whatever reason, she’s here and she’s giving me this chance to be someone that’s worthy of her. I never want to lose that or let her down. I’m afraid though. With everything she’s bringing to the surface inside of me that letting her down is exactly what I’m going to do.
Deep down, I’m exactly like my brother and my father before him. It’s my own mother’s words that slam it home to me and it makes me want to bail, even though doing that would break everything I worked so hard to build with the beautiful girl in my arms right now.
“I had one wish before you were born and it was that you wouldn’t turn out like me and your daddy. I wanted you to be better than that, better than us.”
I don’t really remember much about my dad. I know he was a pretty m
ean drunk and more than once beat on my mom and maybe even Dean. The thing is, her wish never came true because neither one of us turned out any better than them. Maybe that’s part of the reason she took off. She didn’t want to see me and Dean turn into what we are now.
We really are our father’s sons. We’re both filled with a rage that even beating on each other never seems to cure. We’re angry and lonely at the same time. We’re lost and every single day it feels like we’re drowning with no way to be saved.
That’s what is so damn hard to handle with Isabelle. She’s like a life preserver that can save me from drowning. She probably always has been, but because I chose the anger over anything else that might have been available, I didn’t know until now. It makes me want to grab on to her and never let go. I can see what my mom wished for every single time I look in her eyes because she brings me to the place where I know I’m better than the way I’ve been raised.
It’s more than just that old stuff I’m remembering though. I also remember her talking to me about Isabelle.
“Isabelle isn’t like the other girls, Kayden. I can’t put my finger on it, but that little girl is better. She’s gonna need a good boy like you when she’s older.”
Isab
elle really isn’t like other girls. She is different, somehow better. Looking at the way she looks now, under the dimness of the street light, I’ve never seen another person that looks more beautiful. I’ve spent so long looking at her issues and not at her that somewhere along the way I forgot everything my mom said to me. I hadn’t been there when she needed me. I was the one she needed to be protected from.
That’s all over now. I’m never going to
be someone she has to fear again. If I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to her then that’s what I’ll do, because what I didn’t see then, I see now. She really is better, but my mom was wrong about one part. She doesn’t need me.
I’m the one that needs her.
Almost telling her how I feel about her, letting those three words slip because I felt them so strongly, was a stupid move. After hearing her laughter and seeing her face brighten as she finally smiled for me, the only thing I could think about was how much I love her. I didn’t stop myself because I don’t want her to know, I did it because when I finally do say the words to her, I won’t be taking them back and I want it to be perfect.
As great as this moment is, having her close to me, able to breathe in her scent, experience what it feels like to have my hands on her body, it’s not perfect. I don’t know when it will be, but I’m willing to wait.
I can tell that I’ve freaked her out not wanting the phones anymore. I’m tired of talking and it isn’t because I’m the only one speaking. If anything, I think communicating the way she has been makes me see and experience what normally I just don’t when people talk to me. I’m able to hear her loud and clear and she doesn’t have to say a word.
Not wanting to
talk, it’s selfish. I want to kiss her again. I’ve been thinking of nothing but kissing her since the day in the park. It’s just gotten worse since I saw her before practice today. I had to stop myself from kissing her the moment she came outside to meet me. That’s how powerful the urge is and I’m losing the fight.