Authors: Melyssa Winchester
Belle
“Belle honey, you’ve barely touched your dinner. Does the girl's being back at school have something to do with it?”
I’ve been doing this since she got home and I should’ve known that she was going to notice eventually. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to talk to her about everything I’ve been going through, but every single time I feel like I’m getting close to doing it, I find a reason to stop.
As much as I say that I’m gonna be okay with however she reacts to everything I tell her, I’m not. If she tells me that I need to stay away from Kayden, especially with everything he’s done for me the past couple of weeks, I think I might die inside. She knows Kayden, so she probably won’t say that, but it’s been a really long time since he spent any time with our family.
“No, Mom.”
“Well then what’s on your mind, and don’t tell me it’s nothing.”
Now’s my chance to open up, but with Tristan sitting across the table from me, his eyes darting back and fo
rth between us, it’s not like I’m dying to open up.
“I can’t
talk about it right now.”
I raise my eyes in my brother’s direction and she seems to take the hint easily.
“Tristan honey, you’ve been done your dinner for fifteen minutes now. Why aren’t you asking to be excused?”
“Because I got something I wanna show Isabelle.”
“If I promise to send her up to your room the minute we’re done, will you give your sister and me some privacy?”
My mom’s real big on giving us choices. At any point he can tell her no and she’ll just postpone our conversation until he’s out of ear shot. It’s the way it’s always been here. Even with everything she’s been through with me, she still gives me a choice, even when it’s something small and basic like the one she’s giving Tristan now.
“I guess, but you better make sure she comes up because it’s super important.”
He excuses himself from the table as she laughs and again it feels like there’s a spotlight being flashed on me. We’re alone, so there’s nothing stopping me. I still don’t know how I feel about it though.
“The last couple of weeks, there’s something different about you. I know you think I’m too busy to notice it, but I’m not. Is that what this is about?”
I nod sl
owly and she smiles, but it’s weak because it doesn’t even reach her eyes. She’s not sure if the difference in me is a good or bad thing.
“Well you know I’m here to listen, even i
f you think it’s something I won’t like hearing.”
Crap. Sh
e’s making it even harder now. I think I want her to be one of those moms that are too busy to hear what their kids have to say just so I don’t have to say the words. She’s not though and if I want to meet Kayden in an hour, I need to do this now.
“How do you know when you like someone?”
She leans back in the chair and I start wondering if this was the right question to start with. It’s what I want to know most, but now she’s gonna know I like someone and it will change the entire way this conversation goes.
“Well baby, I don’t know how
it feels for you, but I remember what it was like for me. Is that what you want me to explain?”
I nod again and wasting
no time she picks right up where she left off.
“Well it might sound a little cliché, but when you first notice someone you like, you get butterflies swimming around in your stomach, you sweat a whole lot and sometimes, it might even be hard to breathe.”
The way she’s describing it is like she’s pulling everything I’ve been feeling right from my head. I’ve had all of that and more with Kayden, so it’s pretty obvious I have my answer.
“The more you’re around them, you might notice your he
art racing, but considering yours does that in other instances as well, you might not catch on to it right away. When you’re not with them, it will feel like a part of you is missing. Does any of this sound familiar to you?”
I nod. I want to
admit to it all out loud, but everything she’s saying is so familiar that it’s making me speechless.
“Oh Isabelle,” she sighs though she’s smiling again and this time it’s actually reaching her eyes. “Who is the lucky boy?”
This is where things are about to get awkward, well more awkward anyway. It’s the point where the fear from earlier comes back and I’m not sure I want to tell her. I don’t want her to think it’s wrong or tell me that I shouldn’t feel that way for Kayden, considering the way he was before.
“It’s Eric,
isn’t it? I always did think that boy liked you a little more then he let on.”
I want to laugh so bad right now.
“No it’s not Eric. Mom…”
I’m gonna tell her. I have to tell her and hope it turns out alright.
“Isabelle, this is such a big moment for you. I know that I seem a little over eager, but it’s only because I wasn’t sure this moment would ever happen. I want to hear everything.”
“It’s Kayden.”
There. It’s out now and while I sit there in complete silence, waiting for her expression to change, holding my breath, the strangest thing happens.
She laughs.
“I always figured it would be.”
What does that mean? How could she know that I would fall for Kayden Walker when I wasn’t even sure myself until about five minutes ago?
“You were expecting me to react differently?” she asks and I nod in response. I expected her to do anything but what she actually did. She’s never been much of a yeller, but that was more expected then her laughter.
“Yeah, I guess I was.”
“Well, let me explain. From the time that boy was about three, I noticed something different about him. When he would spend time here, I would watch the way he was with you. This was before everything happened of course. Anytime you got upset, he was always jumping to his feet to help you. He always had a smile for you and when he looked at you—”
She cuts off and there’s this second where I want to scream at her, dying for her to finish what she was gonna say, but I don’t do it. I don’t remember Kayden ever being like that, so what she’s saying now is like music to my ears. It’s like the Kayden she remembers and the one that I know now are the same.
“How did he look at me, Mom?”
“His eyes were always so—
tender. I think that’s the word. That boy lived for your smile. He even went out of his way quite a lot to make it happen. I guess that’s why I’m not surprised. With the way he was with you then, even if he has changed over the years, it makes sense that it’s him now.”
I have no idea what to say. I don’t remember any of it and I have the best memory of anyone I’ve ever met. For the fi
rst time since I got home today, I’m happy. Bringing this to my mom had been the right thing after all.
“But what if he doesn’t feel the same or I’m too weird for him?”
“We’re all a little weird, Isabelle. It’s our differences that make us unique and you shouldn’t let anyone, even a boy you might like, tell you anything different.”
This isn’t the first time she’s said something like this to me. In fact
, this is one of her go to speeches when I get bullied. I’m not entirely sure I believe in it, but I do know she wouldn’t say it to me if she didn’t believe it.
“I’m not sure what to tell you about him feeling the same because I can’t speak for him, but from someone that gets the pleasure of living with you each and every day, I can tell you that he would be stupid not to.”
“You’re required to say that.”
“That may be so, but I mean every word of it. You have come such a long way, especially these last few years. You’re at an age now where everything you’re experiencing is normal and whoever is lucky enough to earn your trust
and affection better know what a gem they have.”
“You know the only thing missing from that is a shotgun and shovel right?” I ask and she laughs.
“Someone’s been spending too much time watching movies.”
I just shrug in response an
d again, she laughs. It reminds me how lucky I am to have her. Not everyone can have a mom like her. It also reminds me of Kayden. He doesn’t have this kind of thing at home. It makes me sad thinking about it because that’s the one thing I want for him. I want him to know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally, just the way I am.
“I get the feeling that there’s more that you still need to tell me. Am I wrong?”
“No, you’re not wrong.”
“Well then what are you waiting for? Spill it young lady!”
“Is it alright if I go out later?” I ask knowing it’s a long shot, but hoping that her response to Kayden might change her mind.
“Define going out.”
“Kayden said he wants to stop by and talk to me after practice. I said it was okay, but I wasn’t sure if you would be okay with him being here. I just wanna meet him out front.”
“So you just want to sit out front with him?”
I nod and again she’s flashing her mega-watt smile at me. Maybe she’s not going to freak out after all.
Going out is a topic that hasn’t really come up before, but with how protective she ca
n be over me, I know it’s one she’s concerned about. The closer I stay to home, the easier it is to protect me and up until Kayden asked to meet me earlier today, I agreed with her.
“That’s fine, Isabelle, but promise me something?”
“Okay.”
“If it gets too cold out there, promise me you will come inside. Kayden was welco
me here years ago and he’s welcome now.”
I’ve lived with this woman for almost eighteen years and somehow sh
e still has the ability to surprise me. If I can turn out to be half the person that my mom is, I’ll be the luckiest person alive. I think I already am.
There’s still one more thing we need to talk about,
but this time, it’s nothing I need to be worried about. This is something that’s been a long time coming.
“Mom, there’s actually one more thing I need to talk to you about.”
“What is it honey?”
“When you get the chance do you think you can make an appointment with Dr. Stevens?”
“Of course I can. Any particular reason why?”
The way she asks this, her tone drenched in concern makes me want to explain everything in detail, so she knows she has nothing to worry about, but I don’t do that. Instead I go with the vaguest answer I can think of, but one I know she won’t question, at least not right away.
“I need his help fixing something.”
Kayden
My body is killing me and I definitely need a shower, but instead of sticking around once practice is over, I do the complete opposite and book it out of there as fast as I can.
The one rule Coach has, both for practice and games
, is that we always keep our head in the game, but tonight, out there on the field, that’s the last place my mind was. I did everything I was told and I think I played my ass off, but my head and heart were definitely not in it.
I left
both of them with the girl that I’m now about to go see. The girl that the minute I see her, I’m going to pull as close as possible to me and ask to be my girlfriend.
As I throw my stuff into the backseat, I pull my phone out of my back pocket and slide behind the wheel. There are two missed notifications and without even looking, I hope they’re from her.
Scrolling through my phone until I get to the messages screen, I see that both are from Dean. Against my better judgment I read them and just like every other time I have any contact with him, I feel sick.
Where the hell are you?
Kayden, answer the damn phone. I need you to go to the liquor store. We’re all out.
It’s times like this that remind me of who I really am and why I’m not the guy for her. That despite all
the changes I’ve been trying to make for me and for her, I’m still a stupid idiot underneath.
Dean asking me to drive and get him booze happens a lot more then I want to admit. He’s always too drunk to go himself and honestly, I’m happy he’s at least that smart. It’s so often that I do this that the guy at the liquor store
doesn’t even card me anymore. I had that covered pretty well with my fake ID though. It never used to bother me because I used to drink with him half the time. It was a win-win situation for both of us.
At least it was until her.
Now, seeing these messages makes me sick. He damn well knows I have practice after school though with the haze he’s always in, I shouldn’t be too surprised that he didn’t remember. I just know that if I don’t make an appearance soon, at least in text, he’s going to lose it even worse when I do walk through the door.
I haven’t gotten
drunk in over two weeks. It doesn’t hold any appeal. Life with Dean makes me want to drink sometimes, but I don’t do it. I want to be better than that. If I keep doing what I’ve been doing, I’m only going to turn out exactly like the very guy texting me now and I want better than that. I always have. It’s just recently that I’m seeing it.