Christmas Miracle: A Family (9 page)

“Wanted to,” Tyler replied.

“And I, for one, am glad to have another cook in the house,” Fallon chimed in. Where she was sitting, a little stream of juice once flowing in one direction had redirected itself and was fast closing in on her. Rather than cleaning it, she scooted over, which brushed her right into James. Either he didn’t notice or he was the best impostor in the world, because he simply plopped his piece of jammed-up bread into his mouth and didn’t so much as
flinch over the fact that Fallon was nearly draped over his lap.

“Can we go find a Christmas tree after breakfast?” Tyler asked shyly.

James and Fallon looked at each other then smiled. “Can we take a little nap first?” Fallon asked. “Get rested up so we can have lots of energy to find the biggest one?”

Naturally, Tyler looked disappointed. He’d had a plan, but now it was being put off. In his mind, having it put off was the same as not having it happen at all, and Fallon couldn’t stand that. “As soon as it’s light. There’s a Christmas-tree farm about twenty miles from here, and we can go pick out the perfect one as soon as we can see everything they have. OK, Tyler? They won’t let us pick out a tree if it’s not light out, so it’ll be up to you to come tell us when it’s light. Can you do that?” The child
needed
to know that what he wanted mattered.

Tyler shrugged. But James didn’t let him get away with being noncommittal.

“It’s up to you, Tyler. OK, or not?”

“OK,” he said tentatively.

“Well then,” Fallon said, standing, ready to go back upstairs and leave the mess to James, who already sensed it would be his job to clean it up, “I’m going to go back to bed, and dream about Christmas trees. And I’m leaving the scrubbing of the kitchen up to you two.” With that, she walked over to Tyler and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

“Him, too,” Tyler said. “He needs a kiss, too.”

“Yes, I do,” James prodded. “I need a kiss, too.”

“Right here,” Tyler said, pointing to the spot on his forehead she’d kissed him.

James mimicked that. “Right here, and remember, it’s about Tyler.”

She sighed heavily, narrowed her eyes in protest as she approached James. Then aimed for his forehead, but got intercepted when he tilted his head back enough that her kiss caught him on the lips. And lingered a while. Long enough that she relaxed into the kiss, and James relaxed into the kiss, and they both totally forgot about Tyler for a moment. Then…

“Can I go move the furniture to make room for the tree?”

Both James and Fallon turned their heads toward the little boy at the same time, and answered in unison, “No!” Ten seconds later, Fallon was on her way back to her bedroom, her face flushed, her breaths short, her pulse racing. She needed a door. A big, heavy door to shut and lock. One for her heart, too. And a good place to throw away the key.

“I
T’S
a huge decision,” Fallon said, smiling. They’d been looking at trees for almost an hour, after being the first ones lined up to get into the Christmas-tree farm. Now, after searching row after row of greenery that all looked pretty much the same to her, give or take a few scrawny exceptions, Tyler was still in decision mode, taking his job seriously. In fact, he was very methodical in the way he went about scrutinizing the various trees and tying scraps of fabric on the ones he was keeping under consideration. James was busy marking their location on a map provided by the owners of the tree farm.

“And I’m going to be late for work if he doesn’t hurry up,” James said, as he plotted the tenth tree.

“You’ve still got an hour before you have to go, and according to Tyler’s calculation that’s at least a dozen more trees.” She grinned. “But isn’t this fun?” Actually, it was. She’d never seen so many Christmas trees, didn’t know that places like this existed. Her tree was stored in a small box in her attic. Fresh trees, with the luscious pine scent, were practically a novel concept for her, and she was in love with the idea of having a fresh tree in her home.

“And this farm has a good five hundred more acres of trees which, by
my
calculations, will take us about three
more days to look at.” He grinned back. “Think they’ll let us camp here tonight?”

Fallon laughed. “If you think this is taking a long time, wait until we go to the Christmas store in town and he gets to pick out the ornaments. I predict at least two days there, and I’m pretty sure
they
won’t allow camping.”

James moaned then plotted yet another tree Tyler had tied a piece of white cloth on. “Seriously, we’ve got to bring an end to this if I’m going to have to chop it down then get it tied to the car and hauled back to your house.”

“And remove all the markers on all the trees Tyler tagged.”

James moaned once more. “Why do I have the feeling this is getting out of control?”

“That’s what raising a child is about,” she said. “Everything getting out of control. However, you’re supposed to look like you’re in control even when you’re not, and when you’re not you’re supposed to act like you are so the child won’t find out. Because if he does figure it out, he’ll take control of you
and
the situation. So it’s all about perceptions. If the child perceives you to be in control, even if you aren’t, you’re fine.”

“And that flawed logic is exactly the reason I wanted to have ten or twelve children with you. You’re such a good advocate.”

Even though he’d meant nothing by those words, they did sting, and reflexively Fallon stepped away from James. She didn’t mean to be so sensitive, didn’t want to spend the rest of her life overreacting to perfectly innocent words, but she couldn’t escape her reaction. It simply happened.

“Damn,” he muttered. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

“It’s fine,” she said, stepping even farther away from him. One slow step at a time, with only her footprints in the snow to remind her how close she and James had been
standing to each other. “Look, I have another suggestion. They’ll dig the tree out for us and deliver it. We can put it in the house, keep it alive then plant it somewhere later. A tree Tyler will be able to keep as a reminder of his first Christmas with you.”

“I’m sorry, Fallon. I really didn’t mean to—”

She thrust out her hand to stop him. “I
said
I’m fine. Let’s just leave it at that. OK?”

“But we’d talked about having children, Fallon. I remember telling you what a great mother you’d make. It was that day—”

“I remember the day,” she snapped. Remembered it vividly. On a hike in the mountains, they’d run into a dozen little boy scouts. Cute, vivacious, having the time of their lives looking for a good campsite to spend the night. She and James had fallen in with the boys, hiked a couple of miles with them and she hadn’t been sure she was going to be able to pull James away when it came time to part, he’d been having so much fun. That’s the first time she’d thought she might wants lots and lots of children with him. They hadn’t been engaged to be married, and most people would have said they were too new in their relationship to be thinking about children. But she was thinking about it anyway. And again, later, when James had mentioned wanting their very own little scout troop. He’d proposed a dozen children, which hadn’t been serious. But she’d watched him in his element, seen his true heart with those children. So they’d talked a little that night. Tossed out funny names like Mortimer, Aloysius and Shadrach. Then settled on James, Junior.

Perfect thoughts for perfect days. And now those thoughts were all sad. “We talked about a lot of things, but that was a long time ago. And we were different people then.”

“No,” he said gently, “we
weren’t
different people. You may think we were,
or you were
, but those same two people are standing right here, being awkward with each other for no reason. And I’d built some hopes and dreams around
us
. Counted on us being together. The only difference between me then and now is that back then I had something I wanted so badly I ached for it, and I thought I was going to get it. I still ache for it Fallon, but the change in me is that I don’t know if I will get it. You tell me I won’t, but I’m not ready to believe it yet.”

“Believe it, James.” She glanced out at Tyler, who seemed to have settled on
the tree
. At least, the jumping up and down and excitement he was showing over a particularly bushy one seemed to indicate he had. Long needles, a beautiful bluish-green, and with some artful trimming just about the right size, it seemed to be a perfect tree. “Counting on too much can get you hurt,” she said.

“Or it can lead to everything you’ve ever wanted. I’m not ready to give up.”

“I’m sorry it’s turned out the way it has.” Sorry for James, sorry for herself.

“It hasn’t turned out any way yet, Fallon.”

He stepped up to her, and ran his thumb down her cheek, a gentle stroke she remembered and loved. “Don’t,” she whispered. “We shouldn’t have yesterday, and we can’t…not again.”

“Don’t what?” he asked, tracing his thumb along the contour of her jaw then moving his touch ever so slightly underneath. “Don’t do this?” He tilted her head up and kissed her on the lips. Tiny butterfly kisses that caused her to shiver. “Is that what you don’t want me to do because you always enjoyed that, didn’t you?”

Fallon willed herself to speak, willed herself to break free of his spell, but she couldn’t.

“Or is this what you don’t want?” He pressed his lips harder to hers this time. Parted her lips with his tongue and met her tongue in an instant fury.

Her hands snaked around his neck and her fingers inched upwards, entwining in his hair, massaging his scalp. Bodies pressed tighter, and even through the bulk of their jackets she could feel his erection pressing against her pelvis. She pushed into him, deepened the kiss, groaned.

But then he pulled back. “Is that what you don’t want, Fallon? Because from this side of the kiss, I felt you kissing me back.”

She wanted to be the one who took a step back now, but there was nothing in her that forced her to move. She could barely breathe. Barely focus. Barely think. Because James was right. She was kissing him back. And more. Just like always, this was where it had started with them. A simple kiss was never simple. A fond embrace was always filled with the expectation of so much more. “What I used to enjoy has nothing to do with the way things are now,” she finally managed to choke out.

“Used to enjoy, Fallon? There were two people in that kiss, and both of them were enjoying it. So, the way things are now is that you’re resisting me. For whatever reason, and I wish to God you’d be honest with me about it, you’re resisting me.”

She braced herself to the next part of the round. “And what would you have had me do when you kissed me? Slap you in front of your son? He’s looking at us right now, you know that, don’t you? Do you really want me to put on a spectacle for him, because I can do it.”

James stepped back, blew out an exasperated breath. “Why has it become such a battle between us? I love you, I’m pretty sure you still love me. So shouldn’t we be able
to find something in there that’s simple? A place where we can start from that and rebuild what we had, or what we were trying to have, before your accident?”

“Nothing’s ever simple, James. If there’s one thing I learned when I was a child, that’s it. Nothing is ever simple, and there’s no point in pretending that it can be.” She pulled up her scarf. “I think Tyler has found his tree, so I’m going to go make arrangements to have it delivered.”

James didn’t respond, but the look on his face, as he turned to go after Tyler said it all. She’d slapped him without raising her hand. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe now he’d leave her alone. Or alone long enough to get her armor up again. This time, though, she’d have to put on the whole armor rather than the bits and pieces she’d donned before in the hope that was enough. Because it was clear it wasn’t enough. Which meant she now had to gird herself to go the distance because if she didn’t, she’d end up hurting the person she loved most in the world. Her armor…it was to protect James. Not her. She’d faced the facts…
her facts
…months ago. They might be living as a family now, but it was only for show because Tyler needed the solidarity for a time. As soon as James was able to find a place for the two of them, she’d put an end to it once, and for ever.

That’s the only way it could be because of what she’d done. This was for James. Only for James.

Eight hours into his shift and he was restless. He wanted to go home. “Home,” he muttered, on his way down to exam three to treat a two-year-old with sniffles. “Like I’ve got a home.”

“You need a place to stay?” Emoline Putters asked, as he passed by her desk. “Because I’ve got a big old house
up on Ridgeview Road just sitting empty. Too big for me now that my husband is gone, and I hated rattling around in there all by myself, so I took an apartment closer to the hospital, and haven’t gotten around to doing anything with the house. But it’s got all my furniture, and it’s in good shape, if you want to rent it. Or even buy it.”

It wasn’t what he wanted to hear, because he didn’t want to move out of Fallon’s cabin. It was too small for the three of them, though. And the tension building up…

“Big yard, too, for that boy of yours. Part of it’s fenced in. Did that when my own children were young. The back of the property backs up to several acres of woods leading up into the foothills a piece. Nice place for a boy to go tromping around with his dad. Had a lot of good years in that house, and now it’s time to let another family enjoy it.”

Another family…his family of two. “Sounds perfect, Emoline. I’d like to take a look. Might take me a couple days to find a hole in my schedule, though. We’re getting into the cold and flu season, and the clinic’s pretty backed up right now.” One step. That’s all it was. He was going to look at a house. One step, but it was a big one.

“Sure. Stop by my desk later, and I’ll give you the keys. You can go take a look when you’re ready.”

“How long has it been empty?”

Emoline Putters, usually prickly and irascible, drew in a deep breath, and at the end of it there was sadness on her face. A sadness that told James so much about her. She’d loved deeply, and hadn’t gotten over the loss of that love. “Going on to five years now. Ed Lester, the head of hospital maintenance, goes up every couple of weeks and looks after it for me because I haven’t been able to do anything about it. But I think you’d be good there, and it’s time for that old house to see some new life.”

Impulsively, James gave the woman a hug and, surprisingly, she didn’t stiffen under his embrace, as he’d expected from her. It occurred to him that she wasn’t prickly and irascible as much as she was lonely, and trying to hide it. She’d mellowed, though. Found the right time, and the right reason, and mellowed, the way he hoped Fallon would. “I appreciate the offer,” he said. “And I’ll get up there as soon as I can.”

“Where you need to get is down to exam three. They’ve been waiting too long for you, and there’s no excuse to keep a sick child waiting all this time.”

She cleared her throat, thrust the patient chart at him and marched away, all prickly again. Except James knew better about Emoline. Just the way he knew better about Fallon. It did make him wonder, though, why Fallon was set on imitating Emoline Putters…being all prickly and irascible. Emoline, as it turned out, had a side to her he hadn’t known. So was there a side to Fallon he’d never seen? Something he didn’t know, or she didn’t want him to know?

“We’ll go just as soon as I make one more phone call,” Fallon promised. Tyler had been having a fit all morning. He wanted to bring the tree inside, he wanted to move the furniture. He really wanted to go buy decorations, and he’d been very loud about that. Loud about being bored. Loud about not having a video game to play with. Loud… And she was getting a headache, because everything she’d planned for her day had gone bust. Each and every time she’d picked up the phone, he’d knocked something off the shelf. When she’d picked up her catalogs to peruse the pages for various obstetric exam tables, he’d started stomping around the house so loudly she hadn’t been able to concentrate. Hours of this, and she was at her wit’s end.
She understood that he was bored. She honestly did feel badly about that because there was nothing here for a five-year-old to do. No toys, no children to play with. No nothing! And to top it off, she couldn’t even allow him to go outside and play in the snow because her yard wasn’t fenced and she didn’t have time to watch him. As little as he’d slept last night, and as early as he’d gotten up this morning, she’d thought he’d be ready for a nice, long nap. But when she’d suggested it, he’d put his hands over his ears then started yelling.

The final straw was a preliminary interview for the post of chief of nursing. She was trying to prequalify a candidate by phone, so the woman wouldn’t have to make the long trip there before Fallon was able to check her credentials and get recommendations. In the middle of the ten-minute interview Tyler had unplugged the phone. Actually, not unplugged it so much as ripped it from the wall. So now she needed a service call to repair the damage, and she was reduced to using her cellphone, which had marginal reception out here.