Choices (5 page)

“That’s right. Just breathe with me,” he said softer. His grip loosened a bit.

Paxton felt her breathing start to slow as she tried to match Ryan’s breath movements. She felt the tears sliding down her cheeks as she still focused on her breathing. Ryan’s arms were wrapped around her. Her arms pressed against her chest. She felt secured and soon her breathing slowed.

“Good girl, that’s better.” Ryan released her and stood up. He grabbed her office chair from behind the desk and sat right in front of her. “Better?”

Paxton didn’t know what came over her. She just stared at Ryan wondering how he knew what she needed.

“I used to have those anxiety attacks all the time after my brother’s passing and Ella’s. They can be a bitch.” He gave a half-smile.

Paxton returned it and looked down at her hands, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened down there. This is so embarrassing.” She reached and grabbed for a few tissues.

“I don’t think anyone noticed. I just knew by your face when you rush by me, that you were upset. When I saw you come up here, I knew something was wrong.”

Paxton couldn’t look at him. Embarrassment flooded through her. She felt her cheeks flush. She needed to get back to the students. People would start wondering where they went. “Could you go back out there and make sure everything is fine. I am going to clean myself up a bit, I’m sure I ruined my make-up.”

She saw Ryan studied her to make sure she was alright. She tried to give him the best ‘I’m fine’ smile but she knew it was faulty. He sighed and stared a few moments longer. “If you aren’t down in five minutes, I’m coming back up here.” Ryan stood and walked out.

Paxton was thankful for Ryan. He was like her big brother. She never thought Ella’s uncle would become such an important figure in her life. He looked out for her and she was grateful. She stood and pushed her chair behind the desk. She reached into her drawer and pulled a mirror out to put herself back together. She wiped the stray tears and then pulled out her make-up bag to freshen up. 

Now that she was presentable, she stepped out of her office. She was startled by Drake who was coming out of one of the rooms that showcased various landscape pictures and sculptures. She caught his eye and he stared over at her. He then excused himself from the group. Paxton felt her heart rate speed up. She didn’t want a repeat of earlier and she didn’t want Ryan to find her in pieces again.

“You okay?” He grabbed her arms gently to secure her in front so she couldn’t run away.

Paxton twisted out of his grip trying not to make a scene, “Fine, just had to check on something,” she said putting on a fake smile.

“Liar,” his voice was low and stern. The look on his face said he wasn’t happy that she was lying point blank to his face.

“I am not.” She tried to side-step him but he grabbed her arm before she could get past him.

“You were upset about something. I could see it in your face. I hope it wasn’t what I said earlier.”

“I’m fine. I need to get back to my job.” Paxton jerked her arm out of his hand and walked around him. She started heading down the stairs, she looked up and saw Ryan look up from the bottom with a scowl on his face. He must have seen the interaction with Drake.

“You okay? Do I need to throw that guy out?” Ryan asked as Paxton reached the bottom of the stairs.

“No, he’s just a good friend of Jack’s. I’m fine.”

“Is he why you got upset earlier?” Paxton heard the big brother tone in Ryan’s voice.

“No, I’m fine really. Let’s get back to work.”

“I’m keeping my eye on him.”

Paxton smiled and patted him on the shoulder. She then turned her attention back to the students. She started interacting with them and seeing what they thought of everything. She wanted to focus on anything other than Jack.

SIX

Jack sat in the library. He had pulled down a book he had no interest in but he needed to pass time. Kenleigh was off doing stuff for the charity event Oasis was sponsoring and Jack was trying to avoid her. They hadn’t talked about Duke’s visit and he could see that Kenleigh sensed something was off. She continued the routine of coming to his room, laying with him. She snuggled against his chest every night but she seemed distant from him. Kenleigh kept herself busy which only left Jack alone with his thoughts.

He pulled his old phone out earlier before he came into the library. Jack wanted to call Paxton but couldn’t bring himself to dial her number, so he decided to try to read a book to take his mind off of her. He looked back down at his book he grabbed. He chuckled, page three. He had been in there for an hour. His mind kept going back to what Duke said. He wasn’t sure where this left their friendship. He wanted his old friend back.

All he could manage was a ‘hey’ after debating on what to say. It had been a few days since Duke left and he could only assume that he went back to Kansas, back to Paxton telling her that he was now with Kenleigh. He wondered if Duke would use that to his advantage. He stared at his phone to see if Duke would answer. His phone chimed and Jack quickly grabbed it.

Duke: Hey

Jack: Did you mean it?             

Duke: What are you talking about?

Jack: That you would really be there for me?

Jack waited for an answer but one didn’t come right away. He set the phone down and stared at it. It chimed again.

Duke: Yes…

Jack: Is she really waiting?

Duke: Are you coming back?

Jack didn’t know how to respond to the question. Could he really leave Kenleigh, his life in New York? Before he could respond his phone chimed again.

Duke: Don’t come unless you are going to stay.

Duke: You can’t leave her. It’ll kill her next time
.

Jack stared at the last message. He knew that if he went back to Kansas there was no turning back. If he left Kansas again, he wasn’t sure if Kenleigh would be here. Jack knew that in the end he may end up losing both of them. He set the phone down as he needed to really think about this. He didn’t know who he could stand losing more. His heart said he couldn’t live without Paxton, but his mind told him he could. Then there was the issue of Kenleigh. Where would she fit into all of this? He grabbed his phone.

Jack: I don’t know what to do.

Duke: Neither do I. She knows about Kenleigh though.

Jack dropped his head. He knew Duke wouldn’t lie to Paxton.

Jack: and she wants me still?

Duke: Somehow yes

Jack: I’ll be in touch

Duke: I mean it don’t come back unless you are sure.

Duke: I will kill you if you break her again.

Jack: Noted

Jack set his phone down. He needed to get out of the house and really needed to think about things. He already said he was with Kenleigh, he would give her a chance but how long would Paxton wait if he decided to go back to her? He went up to his room and changed into running shorts and tennis shoes. He threw on a tank top and hoodie, then headed out the door. He didn’t know exactly where he was running but he knew it would help clear his mind. He headed down the long drive as he put in his ear buds. He let the music lead him and he just lost himself in running.

It was a bit chillier than he thought. He wondered if he should have thrown on some dri-fit pants under his shorts.  He kept running hoping to warm himself up. He needed to put space between the house and himself. He needed to run until he figured out what he was going to do, who he could live without.

Paxton was the love of his life. He was infatuated with her since the moment they met. He couldn’t wait until he could see her again. He remembered being as anxious as his students were for the last day of summer school. He was ready to fly back to Kansas with the hopes of running into her. He talked to Duke every week that summer, always asking about her. The fall semester was just as tortuous. He remembered how happy he was when he finally moved to Kansas. Jack knew he was a fool following his heart but he was so glad he did. They spent every chance they could together. He remembered craving her touch. He was obsessed with her. He never felt that way about any other woman in his life.

Then there was Kenleigh. Jack thought about his relationship with her and it’s been quite a rollercoaster but she was always there when he needed her. Kenleigh was so much more than his best friend. She was now his lover, filling needs he didn’t even think about anymore. The thought of her not in his life hurt. He couldn’t imagine not having his very best friend not beside him. She knew him in ways no one else did. She understood him, his family.

Jack quickened his pace. He needed to outrun the impossible decision. He found himself running along the sidewalks of the town. He knew he was about two miles from the house. He kept pushing himself though. If he stopped he was afraid he would be swallowed up by his thoughts. He turned and headed towards the house, afraid of getting stranded if he pushed himself too hard. He just had to make it back to the house.

He tried to focus on his stride, knowing that he couldn’t make the decision quickly, it would be impossible. He would have to think long and hard about it as much as he didn’t want to. He wanted both of them in his life. Jack noticed that he was starting to sprint as his thoughts went from one thing to another. His feet were matching the pace of his thoughts. He slowed down and thought about the movement in his body. He did mental checks on each part of his body. Breathing was heavy but even, legs were slightly burning, feet, one in front of the other. He felt himself starting to slightly wear out. He kept pushing himself though. He no longer wanted to focus on his life, whose heart he was going to break, he just wanted to concentrate on continuing to put one foot in front of the other and staying vertical.

The house finally started coming in view about ten minutes later. He was still a good half mile away. His breathing was a lot heavier as his body was protesting against him. Left foot, right foot, breathe. It echoed and repeated in his head. He focused on the end of the drive. It was starting to come into focus.

He wondered if Kenleigh was home. He wondered if he was running towards her. His focus was no longer on the road. His thoughts back to Kenleigh. Could he live without her? He told himself earlier that he couldn’t live without her, but in reality, yes he could. Yes, he could live without his best friend. The answer was so loud in his head he lost his footing. He felt himself start to fall towards the pavement. He then focused on his feet. They were failing to catch him. He stuck his hands in front of him and caught himself right before he face-planted. He propped himself back up on his feet and bent over trying to catch his breath, but found that he couldn’t. Was it a sign that maybe he couldn’t live without Kenleigh?

He stood about a quarter mile from the driveway. He stared at it as he stood straight up and put his hands behind his head. He needed water but he left the house without thinking about that. He started walking towards the house.
Deep breath, deep breath
, he thought to himself. He tried to focus on his steps but the answer still echoed in his head.

Can I live without her? Yes. Do I want to?
Jack thought about it. Did he want to live without her, the girl that befriended him in middle school, despite their parent’s friendship? The one girl who really understood him? No, he didn’t want to live without her. Kenleigh was a constant in his life.

He reached the driveway. He couldn’t bring himself to go up though. He didn’t feel very accomplished in his run, but he walked slowly up it anyways. It was almost as if he dreaded going back into the house, as if he were going to be trapped if he stepped inside. Is that what he felt with Kenleigh? That he was trapped, that he was obligated to say? Jack shook his head. He sat in the entry way outside, facing down the drive. He stretched his legs out and folded over. He dropped his head even further, his hair fell into his eyes. Jack swiped the hair back. He needed a change, that’s what he needed. He decided on change. What that entailed, he had no idea.