Children in Her Shadow (32 page)

Ruth paid a nominal rent to Mrs Thomas for the rooms and their arrangement was that she received the postmistress wage but that she and Mrs Thomas would share in the profits from the sales in the store. With business improving, and Ruth’s natural frugal lifestyle, she was able to return to her previous habit of saving as much as she could. She could never shake off the sense that all of this could end tomorrow and that she needed to have money to care for Huw and herself.

As the year passed by, Dai continued his visits to Senghenydd but they were less frequent mainly because he was exceptionally busy in his business and because he didn’t want the children to suggest that he had a regular pattern of visits to see his mother in case his wife turned up on Lott’s doorstep. However, Dai’s visits were always a reminder to them both that their friendship was increasingly enduring and their fondness, perhaps even their love for each other was growing.

Dai continued to call Ruth Cariad, a name that reached deep into Ruth’s heart, because of the depth of feeling it conveyed. Ruth had learnt some Welsh at school and so she understood some of the common words used in the village but she was foxed when as Dai was leaving her one day he said “Cariad, Rydw i’n dy garu di” and dashed out. It was weeks before Ruth was able to translate that what he had said was Welsh for ‘I love you’.

Dai was a deeply sensitive and highly emotional person whose soft spoken voice and innate kind and caring personality drew people to him. He seemed to Ruth to only have friends, people who spoke kindly of him and people who wanted to always be in his company. Their age difference seemed immaterial to Ruth as she looked upon Dai increasingly as a soul mate and potentially a partner for life. But she could not yet reconcile how if they were to ‘get together’ it could be done without breaking one of society’s most valued principals that two people, intent upon a lasting and loving relationship could come together unless they were married.

For her part Ruth could not contemplate asking Edward for a divorce and Dai seemed to be bound into a marriage where for whatever reasons, his wife would be unlikely to release him from their marriage too.

These matters were never allowed to get in the way as Ruth and Dai continued their pact with each other of looking forwards and not back. This became a powerful force in their relationship and as their time together passed by they were creating their very own past.

This second phase of Ruth’s life and in particular her return to the valley of her birth turned into one of the happiest times in her life. She arrived back to Senghenydd in nineteen forty eight with her baby barely weeks old and now in the September of nineteen fifty three and at the age of five she was preparing Huw for his first day at the local school.

Ruth and Dai had previously discussed the need to pre-register Huw at the school and at Dai’s suggestion she agreed that it would be less difficult for Huw to explain, if his name on the register was to be Huw Evans, and not Hew Carmichael.

Both Ruth and Dai saw this as an important commitment to each other and a symbol to remind them that one day very soon they would live together as a family. This whole transition went unnoticed by Huw, who had been calling Dai, Pop since he could speak. The presumption in the village had always been that Huw was Dai’s son and so registration was no more than a formality.

Ruth remembered well her own first day at school and she was determined to ensure that Huw was as prepared for the excitement and the apprehension as she was. Lott who by now was showing her seventy five years, and Mrs Thomas who were as much a part of Huw’s life as Ruth, had arrived at the post office at eight o’clock to wave Huw off to school. Huw was excited and could not see what all the fuss was about. But he would learn in years to come that this rite of passage, where symbolically a child enters the journey to adolescence and then on to adulthood marks a time in a parent’s life when they have to let go.

This was never going to be an easy day for Ruth who had never seen any of her secret three children on this same journey. As she prepared Huw for his big day she sobbed alone in her room as she thought of those children all of whom would be returning to their schools today. Ruth asked herself who would be brushing their hair, or polishing their shoes, who would tie a ribbon in the girls hair and who would be kissing them goodbye at the school gates. There was never a day that went by without Ruth thinking about her children, but some days, birthdays, Christmas and days like today which marked lines in the sand for them were especially difficult.

Auntie Lott and Mrs Thomas warmly kissed Huw goodbye and waved as Ruth walked him the short distance to the school, meeting up with other mothers and their children doing the same journey with the same apprehension. The scene at the school gates was the familiar mixture of anxious and clingy goodbye’s and those, like Huw who could not get through the gates soon enough to be with friends.

As Ruth walked back to the post office alone she felt a deep sense of loneliness as she began to realise that her ‘baby’ was now on his inevitable journey to independence. Ruth recalled her own sense of liberation as she walked for the first time through the school gates all those years ago. But then she was a child and now she was an anxious mother coming to terms with having to let go.

Ruth meandered her way back to the post office deep in thought. But as she turned the corner into her road, her heart sank as she saw a small group gathered around someone lying on the pavement. In an instance she knew it was Lott.

Ruth felt her heart beating rapidly as she ran to Lott’s side and dropped to her knees beside the still figure of Auntie Lott. As she drew Lott to her and placed her arms around her so the small crowd respectfully moved three or four paces back leaving Ruth at the centre of a circle of onlookers, alone with her dearest friend. Ruth wailed at the crowd “get the doctor, get the doctor” but it was already too late.

Ruth cradled Lott in her arms rocking back and forth calling to her to waken up. But the more people gently told her that Lott was gone the more she rocked, and the more she wept. It was only when the village doctor arrived and knelt beside Ruth that she released Lott from her embrace. Within minutes of his arrival, the doctor confirmed that Lott was dead.

Ruth was inconsolable and refused to leave Lott demanding that she should be taken from the cold street to her own home and her own bed. With great reverence two burley men slowly lifted Lott and carried her the few feet to her home and placed her, at the insistence of Ruth on top of her own bed with her head resting on the soft feather pillow.

Mrs Thomas tried to prise Ruth from Lott’s side but she refused to leave. It was only when someone returned to say that Dai had been called and was already on his way that Ruth agreed to leave Lott’s room and speak to the doctor and senior members of the community.

The doctor gave Ruth a death certificate on which it recorded that Lott had died from the effects of a heart attack. It was only then that Ruth realised that Lott had been treated for a heart condition for some years. The doctor suggested that the Co-op undertaker should be called to remove Lott to the funeral home insisting that she should not be left on her bed until Dai arrive which could be several hours away.

Ruth returned to Lott’s side and in a vigil that lasted more than an hour Ruth held Lott’s hand as she slowly felt the warmth of her body drain away. Ruth wiped Lott’s face and hands, removing the evidence of her fall and lovingly brushed her white hair out from its familiar bun. Ruth looked into the face of a woman she had known all her life and her own sense of loss was total.

Eventually, the undertaker arrived and it was at this point that Ruth had no option but to relinquish her physical and emotional hold on Lott. Lott was removed from the house and placed in the waiting hearse outside.

As the hearse moved out of sight the lonely figure of Ruth in the deserted street reflected the immense sense of emptiness that Ruth felt inside. As she turned to walk down the road to the post office Ruth was touched by the respect given to Lott as each house observed the tradition of closing their curtains and shutting their doors.

The usually busy streets were deserted with the exception of Ruth who dragged her shocked and emotionally drained body back to her rooms above the post office which itself was closed.

Ruth was intercepted by Mrs. Thomas who coaxed her into her home and gave her a cup of hot sweet tea. Slowly Ruth regained her composure as Mrs. Thomas impressed upon her the importance of being strong for Huw so that she could help him to make sense of what had happened that day. Ruth saw the sense in this but asked if Mrs. Thomas could take Huw once she had picked him up from school and explained what had happened to Auntie Lott.

Ruth went to the school at about twelve o’clock and met with the head teacher who was aware of what had happened and anticipated Ruth wanting to take Huw out of school. Huw was brought to the office confused at seeing his mother there and concerned when she said she was taking him home, especially as this was his first day in the school.

On their way home Ruth stopped at the Recreation Ground where she slowly and sensitively explained that Auntie Lott had died. Huw calmly listened and when Ruth had finished he slipped his arm around his mother and said, “Are you alright Mam, are you very sad?” He went on, “My friends at school told me that Auntie Lott was dead so I knew.”

Such is life in a small village that news of this kind can bypass the best laid plans of teachers and parents and where a child is told by his five year old friends that his Auntie has died. Perhaps in the great scheme of things this was right for Huw to hear the news in this way; he was saddened but accepting of this inevitability in life.

Later that day Dai returned home to be greeted by Ruth who took him into his mother’s house. Dai had spent the past six hours coming to terms with the news but he was none the less grief stricken as he walked into his mother’s empty home. Ruth spent several hours with Dai consoling him and also helping him to remember the vast number of happy times and events he had shared with Lott. Dai’s outpourings of love for his mother were deeply touching to Ruth and showed a side of him that she had never come across before.

The comings and goings of neighbours anxious to pay their respects to Dai meant that it was difficult for him to talk to Ruth and it was clear that he was keen to discuss something. Ruth left Dai as he made plans to go to the undertaker to see his mother alone and to make the necessary arrangements for her funeral. Ruth invited Dai to come to her for a late tea so that he could see Huw before he went to bed and to give them time to talk.

At about five thirty Dai arrived at Ruth’s home to be greeted at the door by Huw who threw himself into Dai’s arms. He had always been close to Dai but it seemed as though tonight more than any other night he needed the company of a man.

They ate tea and chatted and when it came to the time when Huw needed to go to bed he was insistent that Dai should take him. Ruth prepared Huw for bed and then observed the scene as he trotted off to bed hand in hand with Dai. It was more than half an hour later that Dai returned and explained that Huw talked none stop about Auntie Lott asking questions about why she had to die, where she had gone and would mummy be happy again soon.

Ruth and Dai settled down to talk as Dai explained that over the past few months he had managed to sell his business in London and that he had agreed in principal to purchase a garage and petrol forecourt in Bridgend, not many miles from Senghenydd. He explained that his plans were to move back to south Wales in November to work in the garage and also to complete the purchase of a house in Bridgend where they could live.

Dai drew a letter out of his pocket and explained that he had written to his mother only a week ago about his plans to return to Wales and that in her reply she had said, ‘
I am pleased for you Dai and if I should have one final wish granted in my life it would be to see you, Ruth and Huw settled as a family, I will then truly be a happy woman’
. Ruth cried as she leant over and embraced Dai.

Dai explained that thankfully his wife was no longer chasing him and that he had not heard from her for some time. His children were now out of school and working and he felt free and able to ask Ruth to come and live with him in Bridgend.

Ruth knew that with the loss of Lott now was indeed the right time for the three of them to set up home together as a family. Ruth was overjoyed in the midst of the great pain of the day and over the next hour or so she and Dai formulated plans that they had previously never dared to make. They agreed that no one would need to know that they were not married and so Ruth would simply adopt Dai’s name immediately they moved to Bridgend.

Their planning brought light into an immensely dark day and as Dai left Ruth to go to his mother’s home, he kissed her goodnight and as he turned to walk away he said, “Cariad, I love you” and in reply Ruth said, “Rydw i’n dy garu di.”

Their love and their plans would now form the third phase of Ruth’s journey through life.

Lott’s funeral took place on the Friday morning a day that was cool but filled with bright sunshine. The planning for the funeral had been difficult for Dai as so many people wanted to attend each looking to be there to ‘give her a good send off’. The village church where Arthur had been buried was aware of the numbers that might come and arranged with the village hall to have dozens of chairs delivered to be placed outside the church for those who could not get inside. Dai’s children were not going to be present and so it fell to Ruth to stand by Dai and to support him on this saddest of all days.

The hearse carrying Lott arrived at the house at nine forty five. Two wreaths lay on the simple coffin one from the family with its personal message of love and another, from the families of Senghenydd that ran the length of the coffin which simply said ‘Auntie Lott’.