Children in Her Shadow (16 page)

Christmas nineteen forty three was a subdued family affair in the Carmichael house celebrated by attending church on Christmas morning with Aunt Matilda and Aunt Dorothy before returning to the house for Christmas presents and lunch. The impact of the war meant that the Christmas presents were small simple tokens. Ruth had purchased a scarf for Aunt Matilda, a set of handkerchiefs for Aunt Dorothy, socks for Sam some Eau de Cologne for Ellen and for Edward she bought a rather modern pair of pajamas to replace the ones that resembled those her father would have worn. In return Edward bought Ruth a book by Nicholson Eastman entitled
Expectant Motherhood
.

Ruth waited in anticipation of what other gifts might come her way from the family. Ellen broke the silence and said, “We have decided that we will not be frivolous and buy you presents now, instead we will buy baby clothes once you have had the baby, just in case there are any problems!” Ruth was not surprised even on this holiest of days that the family should be so cruel as to even suggest that there may yet be problems with her otherwise uneventful pregnancy.

Christmas lunch was pleasant if not restrained with Ellen serving a very small chicken that Aunt Matilda had brought and the vegetables were a collection of what was in season from each of their gardens including the seasonal Brussels sprout. To follow there were small mince pies and apple pie.

Boxing Day spent with Moira and Jack was anything but a dull affair. An invitation was extended for Edward to attend which caused him to have to choose between Ruth’s only family in the area or a visit to Aunt Matilda, not surprisingly he declined Moira and Jack.

Though the food was simple and modest the company and the laughter were hearty. Ruth received a large pair of knickers and a nursing bra from Moira and a full length winter coat from Jack. Though the coat was second hand it was a very welcome gift and when she wore it in her one person fashion show with the knickers tucked over the front of her skirt and her battleship size bra worn over the winter jumper she was wearing she felt suddenly at ease for the first time in months.

Ruth presented Jack with a small garden trowel which she knew would replace the one that broke months ago and for Moira a small bar of Fry’s five boy chocolate depicting a boy’s face, in five different stages, changing from crying to smiling and then happy. Ruth had purchased the chocolate in the summer from a friend at work who needed extra cash and was selling treasured items. She also gave Moira a scarf she had lovingly knitted over months. The love that went into the scarf was explained when she revealed that a dear friend at work, Chris Pearce, was a wonderful knitter and she would help Ruth at lunch times through the autumn and early winter to knit what for Chris would have taken a few hours. The scarf consumed the wool from a knitted jumper that Auntie Lott had given her when she was in her early teens and had been a treasured possession even though she had long since grown out of it.

With Christmas over and the subdued celebrations of the New Year of nineteen forty four behind them the date when Ruth would temporarily stop work had arrived. It was Friday the eleventh of February and should be a matter of days before Ruth’s baby was due. She was pleased that she had managed to go so late into the pregnancy before having to take time away from work as it served to continue the deception that she had become pregnant on her honeymoon. However, Ruth’s diary revealed what many others would show, that it was only thirty five weeks since her wedding and she now hoped that her baby would play its part and delay arrival for at least a couple more weeks.

Ruth was by now very large with her pregnancy and despite the large maternity dresses she was wearing it was clear that she was either carrying a large baby or twins or further along in the pregnancy than Ruth would have people believe. The other date in Ruth’s diary was the actual date she became pregnant and that was the second of May which made her forty weeks pregnant on the sixth of February which was only a couple of days away so she was very likely to have her baby at any moment.

Aunt Dorothy, who was a trained midwife but currently a matron in a hospital in Preston was to deliver Ruth’s child at home, and like most matters that affected Ruth, she played no part in this decision and had to stand idly by as the plans for her own confinement were in the hands of others. Even the date Ruth should stop working was decided by Aunt Dorothy who had also done her calculations and had also decided that now was the time for her to temporarily leave work and stay at home where she would deliver the child.

Aunt Dorothy was predestined to be a matron, unlike her sister Aunt Matilda she was five feet eight inches tall, of large build and she oozed authority. Requests emanating from Aunt Dorothy had the status of orders and when Ruth had occasionally been examined by her during the pregnancy she could see that Aunt Dorothy was entirely detached and would have no nonsense, treating her with a dispassion that came from years of ensuring that it was the matron that was important in health care not the doctor, and certainly not the patients. Indeed, Aunt Dorothy was at pains to constantly point out that pregnancy was not an illness and that women knew what they were getting into when they embarked upon their journey towards motherhood and if they claimed they did not, then it was certainly not her role to teach them.

Ruth spent the following days trying to spend as much time as possible either in her room or with Moira. It was in her quiet moments at the writing desk that Ruth would shed the occasional tear as she wrote letters to her mother, not once revealing her pregnancy. What was emerging for those who would read Ruth’s letters was that she was not a happy newlywed. This may have acted as a fortunate subterfuge for Ruth, as it seemed to divert her mother from the underlying sense of fear and foreboding that she was about to give birth and bring a child into an already unhappy marriage.

All of this did not escape the constant motherly attention of Moira who was concerned that Ruth was close to becoming ill through the pain of worry and the underlying suspicion that Edward was seeing Sarah again. This was not helped by Edward’s complete detachment from Ruth hardly seeing her except for meals at the house and with him spending increasing time either in the radio shack or in his duties as a Special Constable. Ruth had developed a fixation that his duties as a Special Constable were code for him spending time with Sarah. She spoke to Moira on several occasions that she had a sense of foreboding that the Carmichaels would one day make life so unbearable for her that she would be forced to leave.

On the eighteenth of February Ruth went into labour at about three o’clock in the morning and as usual Edward was nowhere to be found. Aunt Dorothy, an experienced clinical practitioner stirred only to pass a message through Ellen that she was not to be disturbed again until the contractions were regular and established.

Ruth bore the fear and pain of labour alone until about nine thirty in the morning when her cries for help were heard by the rest of the household. Throughout the ordeal of the night she muffled her screams and wiped her own tears from her face, she bore this whole confinement alone and in tears. The cry for help was responded to and with that there was a flurry of activity as firstly, Ellen came into the room and then Aunt Dorothy to inspect the stage of her labour. At length, Edward appeared which served as the point when the valve that had been containing Ruth’s pain and anger released and Ruth screamed at him to leave and not to come back until the baby was born. That moment was very near and as calm returned to the room Ruth was skilfully and by now tenderly coaxed to bring her baby into the world.

It was at eleven thirty in the morning that Ruth gave birth to a baby girl. Its weight was six pounds ten ounces; she had a mop of black hair and a beauty rarely seen in a new born. She was perfect and as Ruth cradled the child in her arms Edward entered the room emotional and full of praise for what Ruth had achieved. Not wanting to release her baby so soon Ruth still felt an urge to see Edward with the baby in his arms. As this tiny baby rested in Edward’s arms the tears fell down his cheeks, he was instantly smitten. Edward moved to Ruth’s side and there they lay in a blissful sea of happiness. At that moment, Ruth felt Edwards love in a way that she had not seen for months and any fears for the safety of their marriage were soon gone.

Later that day Ruth emerged into the sitting room with her baby to find that the promise at Christmas that the Carmichaels would provide for the child was real. Baby clothes, towelling nappies and a pram were provided as well as a couple of small soft toys. Ruth was touched and was fulsome in her appreciation that they had given so much thought to the planning of these gifts. It transpired that a local shop had been on standby to provide pink or blue and Edward had rushed the packages over to the house only an hour earlier. It was at this point that her thoughts turned to her mother someone that throughout her childhood, Ruth had imagined standing at the end of her bed looking down on her as she cradled her first born.

But now Ruth was caught in the web of her own deceit. She knew at that moment that she could never tell her mother that she was now a mother too. To tell would bring scorn and shame because it would become evident that the deceit was to cover up that she had become pregnant before her marriage.

The following days for Ruth were filled with the joys of motherhood. She surprised the family with the confidence she showed in the daily routines of caring for her newborn. But they were not to know that this was something she had done several times before as she stepped in to help her mother with her newborn brothers and sisters in her own family.

On the second day the subject of what the child was to be called came up as Edward prepared to register the birth. Many suggestions came from the family, indeed they felt to Ruth more like directives than suggestions. Ruth had grown up in a home where it was the exclusive responsibility of the mother to name her children and she was therefore not going to entertain any suggestion that it should be otherwise for her own child. This thinking was alien to Edward and the family but when Ruth emerged into the sitting room and announced that the baby girl was to be named Charlotte there was complete acceptance. Of course to Ruth there was only one name for her child, a silent tribute to the lady who had given so much love to her as a child, Auntie Lott.

Charlotte had been born into an uncertain world. All hopes of an early end to the war were being foiled by the strong resistance of the Axis forces. Moral was a pendulum that swung daily based upon the snippets of heavily censored news that was broadcast by the Home Service of the BBC on the wireless and the slightly more sensational commentary from the print media.

Blackpool languished in its bubble of normality with the exception of rationing, and a chronic housing shortage which resulted in the families of Service and ex-Service men living in overcrowded conditions. The Corporation of Blackpool had been granted permission by the government to requisition empty houses but there were very few. The theatres of Blackpool thrived, and were running fourteen shows every night. They had abandoned the concept of a
seaso
n operating for most of the war for the full fifty two weeks of the year.

After a few days Ruth embarked on the journey to Moira’s home to give her the opportunity to meet Charlotte for the first time. Throughout the whole time that Ruth had been married Moira had not once been invited to the Carmichael’s home and whilst this was of no concern to Moira or Ruth, they both felt that this was something of a snub to Ruth’s side of the family. Moira and Jack adored the child and a routine was quickly established that they would see her once every week caring for her as Ruth sat at their desk and wrote her letters.

Two weeks after Charlotte’s birth Ruth was back at work amongst friends. All were delighted to see her smiling face again in the cockpit. Ruth seemed to convince most that she had delivered a premature baby a deception that allowed her to continue the subterfuge though it should be said that the older ladies were far from convinced.

Ruth found the challenge of giving up her baby each day to her mother-in-law increasingly difficult. In the early months she was only seeing Charlotte for a short while in the morning often finding that by the time she returned home in the evening, Charlotte was bathed and in bed. It was only the night feeds that gave Ruth the chance to have time with Charlotte and as she progressed to sleeping for most if not the whole night, her contact grew less. Ellen was a good grandmother to Charlotte but Ruth would often notice that when Charlotte needed comforting it would be Ellen that immediately sprang to her need and over time Charlotte seemed unable to be calmed unless Ellen took over. Such was the bond between Ellen and Charlotte that Ellen the Grandmother was becoming Ellen the mother.

The tensions in the Carmichael house became less opaque with full scale rows developing between Ellen and Ruth particularly at weekends when Ruth wanted exclusive access to Charlotte. When Ruth suggested to Edward that they spend time with Charlotte it regularly resulted in Ellen and often the whole family coming along too. The only quality time that Ruth spent with Charlotte was when she went to see Moira. Ruth had taken to visiting Moira on a Saturday afternoon returning only when Charlotte was due to be put to bed for the evening.

Edward continued his nights in the radio shack and his duties as a Special Constable. Ruth was increasingly seeing Edward’s nights with the Police as a euphemism for going in to Blackpool to see Sarah. Ruth continued to pick up on conversations at work that Edward was seen at the ice rink or was seen at the Tower Ballroom and when she confronted Edward it resulted in the same denial and suggestions that she was paranoid about Sarah.

Ruth was regularly invited by work colleagues and friends to go ice skating or dancing which she had always turned down. However, in the first week of July Ruth was again invited out, this time to celebrate Victoria’s birthday. Ruth wanted to go because since the incident when Victoria had warned her about Edward’s tendency to two time girls, she and Ruth had become good friends.