Authors: Kimberla Lawson Roby
“I don’t want to be, but sometimes it’s better to make fun of myself so that I won’t have to wait for other people to do it. Sometimes it’s better to beat ’em to the punch.”
“You should give yourself a lot more credit. You’re a good person, and whether you realize it or not, you have a lot to offer.”
“Like what?”
“You’re smart, you have a good career, you own this immaculate home, and I can tell you have a big heart.”
“But I’m still overweight.”
“And?”
“And I don’t want to be.”
“But you’re working on it, though, right?”
“Yeah, but I’ve got this class reunion coming up in eight weeks and I don’t want to look like this.”
“So, what’s the plan? I know you’re watching your carbs, but what else?”
“I ordered this workout program.”
“Well, the bottom line is that you have to stay conscious of it every day. You have to wake up thinking about the proper food you’re going to eat and what workout you’re going to do. It has to become the most important thing in your life.”
“I know, but that’s still easier said than done.”
“You want me to help you?”
I turned to look at him.
“I’m serious,” he said. “You want me to?”
“You would do that?”
“Without a doubt. I know you ordered some program, but why don’t I just train you at the health club three to four times a week?”
“Okay. And I’ll pay you if you want.”
“This is payment enough,” he said, stroking my breasts.
“Will you stop?” I said, blushing.
“Why don’t we start tomorrow?”
“Right after work?”
“Yep. The same time you came this evening, because that way I can get my own workout in before you get there.”
“Okay, Rico, when do I wake up and what is it that you really want from me?”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because this is too good to be true.”
“Why? Because we met only a few hours ago and we already had sex?”
“No. Because I weigh two hundred and fifty pounds and you can have any skinny woman you want.”
“But I don’t want just any woman. I’m interested in you.”
I sighed deeply.
“You’ll see,” he said. “Come next year this time, you’ll see that I’m still here.”
Then he moved on top of me and said, “By the way, what color suit do you want me to wear to this class reunion of yours?”
Now I knew what heaven must have felt like.
M
ARVIN, WHAT IS IT GOING TO TAKE?”
Charisse asked, holding him around his waist.
“Time.”
“How much time?”
“I don’t know. I guess we’ve been through so much that I’m just not attracted to you anymore. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I need to be honest with you.”
“But I love you, Marvin. I’ve always loved you.”
“But you haven’t always acted like it. You treated me like I was beneath you, and over a period of time, I started to hate you for it. And then last week when I told you I was going out, you hauled off and slapped me. And pushed me into the wall.”
“I know, I know. And I’m sorry. Sometimes I get so angry that I blow things out of proportion.”
“Well, it can’t ever happen again.”
“It won’t. I promise.”
Marvin moved his wife’s arms away from him and walked away.
“Where are you going?”
“To get dressed for work.”
“Why don’t you stay home so we can talk?”
“I can’t. I have a full calendar today.”
“What about lunch?”
“I thought you were meeting Taylor and Whitney.”
“I’m supposed to but they’ll understand if I can’t make it.”
“No, you go, because I’ll be too busy. The most I’ll have time for is to get something from the cafeteria.”
Marvin closed the bathroom door and Charisse heard him turn on the shower.
Asshole.
Today was Wednesday, only three days since Marvin had revealed what he knew about that policy, and already she was sick of begging and pleading. She was sick of lying, faking, and pretending that she loved him when deep down she wanted him dead.
But her hands were tied. She wasn’t sure how this was all going to play out, but she was smart enough to know that she had to feign her affection toward him, otherwise he would tell her mother everything. Even now, Charisse still hadn’t accepted what was happening to her. She’d spent hours on Sunday afternoon, again all day Monday and most of yesterday, trying to figure out how she’d lost control of her marriage. And when had she lost it? And when exactly had Marvin wised up? And found the balls to stand up to her? He had always been such a pathetic little wimp, and now he was acting like king of the jungle. He acted as though the entire world was his and he could do whatever he wanted with it.
And she’d even had to force a relationship with Brianna, something she’d never had to do before. Although she had to admit, it wasn’t as bad as pretending with Marvin. With him, she had to pretend like she wanted him sexually when she didn’t. Once upon a time, she’d wanted him to make love to her every other day and she’d told him exactly how to do it. She’d told him which way to move, at what speed, and when he could finally release himself. Their lovemaking had always been on her terms and her terms only.
But now things were different. Temporary, she reminded herself, but definitely very different. Meaning, she would continue to beg and plead until she arrived at a permanent solution. She would walk the walk and talk the talk but her thinking would not be in agreement. She would play the perfect wife until she found a way to get rid of him. She would do it without serving one day in prison.
Charisse left the bedroom and walked into Brianna’s.
“Rise and shine, sleepyhead,” she told her daughter.
Brianna pulled the covers closer to her neck but didn’t say anything. She looked dumbfounded.
“Do you have anything in your dirty clothes basket?”
“Yes,” Brianna said timidly, and looked toward the closet.
Charisse could tell she didn’t know what to think or why her mother was treating her so nicely.
It was time Charisse set her mind at ease.
“Look, Brianna,” she said, sitting down on the bed. “I know we’ve never been all that close and that I haven’t been the mother I should’ve been, but those days are no more. What I want is for us to start doing things together and for you to realize that you can come to me about anything.”
Brianna didn’t move or blink.
“I mean it, honey. I don’t want us at each other’s throats the way we have been. You’re my baby and I love you.”
Charisse was so good that she’d almost fooled herself. She deserved an Academy Award for this one.
But Brianna did something she wasn’t expecting.
“Mom, I’m so sorry,” she said, coming from under the covers, practically leaping across the bed and hugging Charisse. She sobbed and wouldn’t let go.
Charisse hugged her back but she wasn’t sure what to do next. Charisse’s mother had never hugged her and she would never approve of what she and Brianna were doing now. This was such uncommon ground compared to what Charisse had been used to. Compared to what she had been taught when she was growing up.
“Mom, I love you, too. I’ve always loved you, but I thought you didn’t love me. You always act like you hate me.”
Charisse didn’t know what to say but for whatever reason she squeezed Brianna tighter. She pretended that she was Brianna and that Brianna was her mother. She closed her eyes and imagined her mother holding her in her arms more than thirty years ago. She pretended how happy those times had been. She imagined a life where there had been no beatings, no yelling, and no ridiculing. She pictured a life where her parents had loved each other and had never had an argument.
Charisse smiled and rocked back and forth with her mother but then reality set in. She remembered the extension cord, the back of her hand, and even, once, a baseball bat. She remembered all the horrible things her mother had done to her, and when she opened her eyes and saw Brianna, she burst into tears. She stared at her daughter, shook her head in confusion, and ran into the hallway.
She hurried down the stairs and into the basement so that Marvin wouldn’t see her. She sat on the bottom step and wailed hysterically. She wailed as if she were going insane.
But Charisse had experienced bouts like this before and she knew how to handle it.
“Dear God, please give me strength. Please help me to understand why Mother was always so cruel to me. Help me to understand why I am the way I am and why I’ve done so many terrible things. Lord, please, please, forgive me—especially for the way I treated my brother. I didn’t mean it, Lord, but I was so tired of Mother bragging about him and all his money and then saying that I should be more like him. Lord, I was tired of her loving him and not me. Lord, please help me to be a better person.”
Charisse sat for a few minutes, wiped her tears away with her hands, and walked back upstairs. She went into the powder room and splashed cold water across her face. She dried it with a napkin and went into the kitchen.
She pulled herself together and did what she did every Wednesday.
She fixed breakfast for her family.
T
AYLOR WAS ALREADY
sitting at the table when I walked inside Ambrosio’s. I still wasn’t all that ready to mingle with Charisse, but Taylor wouldn’t have it any other way. She’d made it clear that she expected to see me or else. I’m not sure what the “else” actually meant, probably nothing, but I’d still shown up.
I walked over to the table and hugged her.
“Hey, Whit,” Taylor said. “I’m glad you decided to come.”
“I am, too. Where’s Charisse?”
“She called to say she was running a few minutes late, but I’m sure she’ll be here soon.”
“Then that gives me time to tell you my news. I wanted to tell you yesterday, but you were so busy in court that I decided to wait.”
“What is it?”
“I met somebody.”
“Really?” As always, Taylor was noticeably excited for me.
“Yes. And he is a dream come true, girl.”
“Oh my God. Where did you meet him?”
“At the health club. He was there Monday night and he just started talking to me.”
“What’s his name?”
“Rico Anderson.”
“Is he Puerto Rican?”
“I asked him the same thing, but no.”
“So, have you gone out with him, did you see him yesterday, what? And now that I think about it, you’re actually glowing.”
“And for good reason, too. Girl, the man made love to me so brilliantly that I can barely think straight. He’s an absolute master at it. And he did it two nights in a row!”
“Is he from Chicago? What does he do for a living?”
“He’s from Chicago Heights and he’s an accountant for AIC. And T, he doesn’t even care about my weight. At first, I didn’t believe him, but after last night I’m really starting to think he means it. And he’s even showing me the proper way to work out.”
“That’s wonderful, Whit. I am so happy for you.”’
I could tell Taylor wanted to cry. The woman was my rock. Chronologically, we were the same age, but Taylor had been born with a very old soul and sometimes I looked up to her like a mother.
“I gotta tell you, though, I keep waiting for the bomb to drop. Because I just don’t want to believe a man that looks that good could want to be with me.”
“Well, I say enjoy the moment. If it lasts forever, then great. But even if it doesn’t, you’re happy with him now and that’s what’s important.”
“I agree.”
“I can’t wait to meet him.”
“What I’ll probably do is invite you, Cameron, Ms. Thing, and Marvin over for dinner one Saturday.”
“Just let me know when and we’ll be there.”
“Just let you know what?” Charisse said, sitting down at the table.
“Whit has a new man,” Taylor answered.
“What? That’s great, Whitney. I’m really happy for you.”
I didn’t know whether she was being genuine or not, but I wasn’t in the mood for arguing with her, so I assumed she meant what she’d said.
“Thanks.”
“When did you meet him?”
“The other night at the health club.”
“Oh? When did you start back going there?”
“On Monday.”
“Well, good for you. Maybe I’ll go with you sometimes.”
I knew now that Taylor must have had a talk with Charisse because there was no way she was being this approving and not criticizing my every move.
“That would be nice,” I said, and Taylor smiled. She was happy that Charisse and I were making amends with each other.
“And I want to apologize for speaking to you the way I did last week,” Charisse continued. “I really was trying to look out for your well-being, but I guess I didn’t say it in the right way.”
Taylor never ceased to amaze me. She was good. Had to be if she could tame a woman like Charisse. The killing part was, I’d known Charisse longer than Taylor. Six years to be exact. But Taylor knew how to handle her much better than I did. Taylor was a lot more patient.
“Truce?” I said, and reached over to hug Charisse. It was the least I could do since she was being so kind to me.
“Okay, girls, now that we have that all taken care of, let’s order some food,” Taylor said. “I’m starving.”
When the waitress arrived we settled on our usual choices. Grilled chicken Caesar salad and diet colas. Before today, I never would have ordered a diet anything, especially not a soda, but it was this new-way-of-life thing I had going on. It killed me, though, when I heard Taylor and Charisse ordering crème brûlée. It had always been our favorite dessert and we never denied ourselves of having it. But as soon as Taylor saw the disappointment on my face and realized I wasn’t ordering, she told the waitress to cancel hers. To my surprise, Charisse did the same, and the three of us never discussed it. They had my back and I loved them for it. Charisse was Charisse, but she was my friend. Maybe in a strange sort of way, but she was as much of a friend as she knew how to be. And Taylor? My friendship with her never required any explanation. It was always the same every day of the week.
“So, how’s the family?” Taylor asked Charisse.
“They’re fine.”
“I was planning to bring Brianna’s package, but I forgot about it. I’ll bring it over this evening, though.”
“I’ll be at Bible study but Marvin and the kids’ll be there.”
“Marvin isn’t going to Bible study?” Taylor asked.
I was just as shocked as Taylor was. For as long as I could remember, Marvin had never been given a choice in terms of where he did and didn’t want to go. He’d never had a say-so with anything, so I wondered what was up.
“He doesn’t go as often as he used to,” Charisse said.
“And you’re okay with that?” I chimed in, and hoped Charisse hadn’t taken my question the wrong way. The more I thought about it, I’d had no right saying anything. It was the kind of comment she would’ve made, but I wasn’t like her.
“I’m fine with it,” she said. “I don’t agree with him missing church, but he’s the one who will have to answer to God for not going.”
I knew Charisse was throwing hints at Taylor and me, too. She’d never liked the fact that first of all, we didn’t go to her particular church (which was another reason we were going to hell), and secondly, we didn’t go every single Sunday like clockwork. There was a time when she’d ministered to both of us on a regular basis and practically begged us to change our denomination. We were Baptist, she was Church of God in Christ, and that was a problem for her. But when she’d realized that we weren’t going to change, she’d been satisfied to know that at least we went to somebody’s church, even if it wasn’t the right one.
“Well, I think you’re doing the right thing by letting him make his own decision,” Taylor said.
I looked at Charisse and waited for the fireworks to ignite.
But once again, she surprised me.
“You might be right,” she said. “After all, he is a grown man.”
Taylor and I raised our eyebrows at the same time and I decided that the woman at our table had to be an impostor. There was no way this was the real Charisse Richardson sitting here in front of us.
“That’s a good way to look at it,” Taylor offered.
“Yeah, it is,” I added.
Then we changed the subject. We talked about Cameron and how Taylor was planning to cook dinner for him tomorrow evening and how I’d already lost five pounds in two days. It was water weight for sure, but I was still extremely proud of it. We talked about our jobs and some of the issues we had with them, and then Charisse paid the check and left a tip on the table. It was her turn to take care of it but next week it would be mine.
Taylor rushed out so she could make it to court on time for a small case she was handling, and Charisse said she was going to a few stores before heading back to the suburbs. Charisse didn’t work downtown like Taylor and me, and that was the reason we had lunch on her day off. Every now and then, Taylor and I would have lunch with just the two of us, but we never mentioned it to Charisse. We’d told her one time before, but it was obvious that she hadn’t been too happy about it. It was almost as if she’d felt completely left out of the equation.
I walked back to my building, which was only three blocks away, and took the elevator up to the twentieth floor. When I walked inside my office I saw two dozen roses sitting on my desk and I quickly grabbed my chest. Then, when I’d settled down from being so excited, I read the card.
Which said: “Hey, beautiful, thank you for a wonderful two days. I promise this is only the beginning. Rico.”
I sat down in my chair and wondered what this man was trying to do to me.
Because whatever it was, it was working.