Chapter 4
“Livy, what the fuck? Livy!”
I felt a nudge on my shoulder and groaned. Fuck, my head hurt. I felt wet all over and I didn’t know why. Where the hell was I? What the hell was going on? Was that really Uncle’s voice? I hadn’t seen him in weeks.
“Livy, get up. Fuck, I should have come earlier. Livy, wake up!” He nudged me again and it was only then that I opened my eyes.
Sunlight poured in from the windows, blinding me. I noticed I was on the floor of my living room. What the hell?
As I moved, I got a whiff of vomit. “Shit…” I moaned, almost gagging.
“Livy, get the fuck up or I’m sending you to rehab for the next three months. Get your arse up and get in the shower. I’m cleaning you up.”
With Uncle’s help, I moved into a sitting position and looked up at him. He looked handsome in his white shirt and black trousers. What must he think of me?
He nudged me again. “Livy, get up. I won’t tell you again.”
I slapped his hand away. “Okay, okay. I’m getting up, for fuck’s sake.” I heard Uncle’s sharp intake of breath. Even I was a little taken aback by my outburst, but a big part of me didn’t care.
“Livy, I know you’re probably not feeling well, but there’s no need to take it out on–”
“You’ve not been here!” I interrupted. “Why the fuck should you care now?” I groaned again as my head pounded.
Uncle sighed. “I’m sorry, Livy. I was just so angry with you for what you did, but I should have been here. I’m here now...and we’ve got to get you to the shower. You smell like shit.”
He pulled me up and practically carried me to the bathroom. I clung onto him because he was my only vice. The only person who was offering me comfort.
Uncle placed me in the bath and turned the water on. Once he knew it was warm, he pulled the lever for the shower. I gasped as the water hit my face and ran down my clothed, vomit-soaked body. Right then, I felt pathetic. I felt like the biggest fucking loser on earth.
Endless tears slid down my face as a gut-wrenching sob left my lips. How did I get to this? How did I let myself sink so low? This wasn’t me.
“Oh, Livy, come here.” He stepped into the bath with me.
“But your clothes…,” I protested.
“They’re just clothes, Livy.”
He held me under the water and let me sob into his shoulder. As I calmed, Uncle pushed me away and tenderly stroked my cheek. “How are we going to get you better? What is it you want? I will give you anything you desire as long as you get yourself out of this fucking mess. You’re trying to kill yourself, but I’m never going to let that happen. Tell me. What can I do?”
I sighed, already knowing my answer. I had him in my head constantly. He was in my nightmares and my every waking thought. The man who took everything from me.
I looked up into Uncle’s eyes and could see him awaiting my answer. “I need you now,” I whispered. “I need your help. I don’t want to live like this anymore.” He smiled and nodded, giving my shoulder a little squeeze. He had obviously been waiting for this moment.
“What can I do to help you? What is it you want?”
I sighed as the tears fell. “I want justice, Uncle. I want to find the shadowman who tried to kill my family. When I do, I’m going to kill him.”
The very next morning, I got up with a spring in my step. I was hoping Kit would be around today. I felt a little dizzy from the prospect of it and couldn’t help but scold myself for being so adolescent. I mean, I had dated before, but none of them made me feel this light-headed, giddy feeling. We weren’t even dating, and I knew we never would. I still couldn’t help the way I felt.
Grabbing all my things, I opened my front door and stopped. Sitting on my doorstep was a hot, fresh cup of coffee, and what looked like a Danish pastry. I gasped. Upon inspection, I saw that the coffee was black, just how I liked it, and the pastry was strawberry. It didn’t take a genius to know who this was from.
Feeling lighter than air, I grabbed the coffee and Danish and made my way out. I was just finishing off the pastry when I walked into the coffee shop. By now, I was high on the strawberry scent.
Tim looked up with a big, beaming smile. “Ah, I was wondering if that was for you.”
I smiled back. “I found it on my doorstep this morning.”
Tim leaned over a little, placing his hands on the counter. “Very tall, longish dark blonde hair, and a beard?”
I nodded, feeling my heart start to beat rapidly. “Yes, that’s the one.”
Tim smiled. “One of your many admirers. He probably thought it was only right to return the favour after all the coffees you must have bought him. Which one is he? The regular coffee with two sugars?”
I shook my head. “No. He actually doesn’t request coffee in the mornings.”
Tim widened his eyes and leaned back. “Ah, just someone who admirers you from afar then.”
I actually sighed, but what made it worse was it wasn’t just any old sigh. It was one of those sighs when a girl thought about a boy. In that moment, I actually wished it were true. My obsession with him was getting out of control, but I just put it down to the fact that I didn’t know him. I didn’t know many of them, but Kit was a total mystery. A puzzle within a puzzle.
In the end, I found my voice. “I just think he’s repaying me for giving him some food yesterday, that’s all.” And that
was
all. It wasn’t because he liked me, or wanted to know me. He was simply making a gesture. Granted, it was a very lovely gesture, but just a gesture nonetheless.
Tim looked at me skeptically. “Hmm… I may think otherwise, but there you go. Do you want the usual?”
I nodded. “Yes, please.”
Once all the hot drinks were ready, I made my way towards the soup kitchen. The sun was out today, but it was still a bit nippy.
In the distance, I saw my usual group sitting on the steps. Then my heart rate picked up a notch when I noticed Kit was there, too.
“Good morning, everyone.” I was more cheerful than normal and I think everyone noticed. Well, Thomas definitely noticed.
“Well, good morning, Olivia. Are you going to tell us his name?”
I briefly looked towards Kit. I could feel the nerves kicking up. I really needed to curb my feelings. “Whose name?”
Thomas smiled. “The guy who’s putting that smile on your face lately. Don’t get me wrong. You always have a smile on your face, but lately? Let’s just say it looks more animated.”
Wayne started laughing. “Fuck, Thomas. What shit are you coming out with now? Instead of being your usual vulgar self, you’re coming out with words such as animated. What the fuck?”
Thomas snarled in Wayne’s direction. “I’m just being polite. I know Olivia gets a little uncomfortable with my normal self. I was just trying to show her some courtesy.”
“By embarrassing her?” Rachel snapped. She looked back at me, placing her hand on my arm. “Don’t listen to them, Olivia. They’re just bored and you’re their only form of entertainment in the mornings.” She rolled her eyes.
Deciding to change the subject, I smiled and handed out the drinks. “Here you go. Nice and hot.”
One by one, they took their drinks. I looked over at Kit and saw him in the same position. I wanted to say hi and thank him, but he was giving off his normal
don’t come near me
vibe.
In the end, I thought to hell with it and started walking towards him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the others watching me. I guess they all knew I was a glutton for punishment. I just didn’t think Kit would be mean to me now.
“Kit?” I said as I neared him. I saw him visibly cringe. “Kit, are you okay? I just wanted to thank you for—”
Suddenly, he shot up from the steps and glared at me. “Don’t talk to me. Don’t say my name. I don’t want you anywhere near me.” He walked off and I felt the stab of rejection straight to my chest. It hurt more than I thought it would, but how could I expect any different? I thought I was breaking down his walls last night, but he seemed just as mean and nasty as ever.
I watched as he disappeared around the corner, I stood there, trying my level best not to look too upset.
“Don’t take it personally, honey. He’s like that with everyone.”
I turned at the sound of Rachel’s voice and tried my hardest to smile at her. It hurt, though. I just couldn’t understand why he would be so hot one moment, then so icy the next.
“I know. I keep trying, but he’s determined to push me away.” I laughed a little, trying my hardest to shrug it off. I didn’t know who I was kidding more...them or myself.
Chapter 5
“Why won’t you take me to your house?”
Uncle looked up. We had been working out at the gym in his penthouse. I knew he had a huge house because I remembered swimming in a big pool in the summer when I was little. For some reason, he wouldn’t take me there. Instead, I stayed in his spare bedroom. In the mornings, Uncle would teach me self-defence; in the afternoons, I would read or paint. Uncle knew how much I loved painting, agreeing it helped with my rehabilitation. It had been almost four months without a drink and, although I still craved it, I knew I was better without it.
Uncle regarded me with a smile. “That will be your home where new and more pleasant memories can be created. It is where our lives together can begin. Right now, you need no distractions. No memories of the past haunting you.” He moved closer to me with a smile. “Besides, that’s where all my men are. I don’t want you anywhere near them whilst you’re so vulnerable. I’d have to watch you like a hawk.”
I laughed a little as I tried to catch my breath. Uncle had worked me up into a sweat. I didn’t mind it, though. It kept my mind focused on other things.
“Why would you have to do that?” I smiled innocently, and he stepped forward. He trailed his finger down my arm and smiled when I shuddered underneath his touch.
“Because, dear Livy, you were pretty when you were a young girl, but you’ve blossomed into the most beautiful woman. One who could wrap any man around her tiny finger.” He looked down, picked my hand up, and gently pinched the end of my pinkie. “If I even left you alone for five minutes, who knows what sort of trouble you’d get yourself into.”
I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”
Uncle’s smile dropped as a look of sadness came over him. “How many times have you begged me to give you a drink, Livy? How many times have I had to listen to you screaming in your sleep? When you wake up, sometimes you’re covered in sweat and promising me the world if I give you a drink to take the edge off. I can’t leave you alone like that. The only person I can trust with you now is Mona. She’s a qualified nurse and knows how to help you.”
I sighed because he was right. I hated the fact I did this to him and myself. I was ashamed to admit I had begged him on multiple occasions when things got too difficult. I begged him and promised him the most unspeakable things in return for a drink. Just a sip… That’s all I needed. I knew that wasn’t true, but it was what I thought.
“Mona has been a help and so have you. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”
Uncle lifted my chin and smiled. “I only want to make you happy.” He paused a moment. “How about you get some hypnosis? That will help a lot with your nightmares, Livy. I know someone who is very good. She may also take the craving away…maybe even sway it in a more positive direction. What do you think?”
I frowned. I didn’t know much about hypnosis, but I was willing to try anything. I knew Uncle was only trying to make me better. He was showing me how much he cared.
Eventually, I nodded. “I’m willing to give it a try.”
Uncle squeezed my shoulders and kissed my forehead. “Good. I’ll set things up for this week.”
For the next four days, I never saw or heard from Kit. It bugged me because I didn’t know whether it was because of me or another reason. I couldn’t help but worry about him, though. I worried that he may be hurt or in danger. I worried if he was getting enough to eat, and if he managed to sleep okay. I knew that sounded crazy, but I couldn’t help it. Whenever one of them disappeared for days like this, I worried. It was just natural instinct. I cared about them all and it would upset me if any one of them got hurt.
Not expecting much out of my day, I started my routine. I turned up, handed out all the hot drinks, and made my way inside. Again, Kit wasn’t there, but I decided to try and not dwell on it too much.
Instead, I went to work. I was in the dining hall handing out the last plate when movement out of the corner of my eye made me glance towards the door. Kit was standing there and I couldn’t help the tiny gasp that left my lips. He was staring at me and, at that moment, I started to feel angry. How dare he be rude to me, disappear for days, and make me worry about him. Of course, he didn’t realise this, but he had been cruel to me when I was just trying to thank him.
In the end, I thought I would extend the same courtesy, so I totally ignored him. I noticed him pick up his plate and walk my way. He handed it to me, the whole time watching my every move. I didn’t look at him, though. Instead, I took the plate from his hand, put the normal amount of food on it, and handed it back. I noticed he hesitated slightly, but when I didn’t say anything or even look at him, he walked off and sat in his normal place as far away from anyone as possible. If he wanted to be a loner, let him. I wasn’t going to waste my energy on him anymore.
*****
For the next two days, I did the same thing. I knew it was a bit childish of me, but Kit had been doing this to me for nearly three months now. If he didn’t want me to talk to him, I wouldn’t talk to him.
It was well after midnight when I finished my shift at the bar, so I took the long way home just so I could stick with the main roads. I hadn’t seen or heard from Freddy again, and it was just as well. I really should have gone to the police, but I felt a loyalty towards Kit. Lords knows why, but I did.
When I started down the quieter roads, my heart started racing. I hated that Freddy, or whatever the hell his name really was, had put me in this position. I had been walking the streets of England ever since I could walk and not once had I felt scared or intimidated. But I suppose having apes for bodyguards helped in that respect.
Feeling more nervous than usual, I turned and saw Kit on the other side of the road. Instantly, my breathing became more laboured, but for a different reason this time. I wasn’t frightened anymore. Seeing Kit put me at ease, but I was still mad at him.
Deciding I wanted to give him a piece of my mind, I stopped, looked both ways, and crossed the street. He stood still, looking as tense as ever, but I didn’t care. He was following me!
“Why are you here? Why are you still following me?”
He looked timidly at the ground and back up to meet my eyes. “Why have you been ignoring me?”
I laughed. I didn’t mean to, but it just came out. “I’m sorry. Did I just hear you correctly? Are you actually asking me why
I’m
ignoring
you
? Isn’t that ironic.”
He stiffened again and sighed. “Listen, I’m sorry if you think I was being rude to you, but it was necessary.”
I huffed. “Necessary? You were not only rude, you disappeared for days, making me worried sick that something was wrong—”
He stiffened again and I immediately knew why. I didn’t mean to let that slip, but I was so angry that it just slipped out.
“You were worried about me?” he whispered.
I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment before looking back at him. “Yes.” I had to be honest. I
did
worry about him. I worried about him every day.
“Why?”
My god, this man was infuriating. I wanted to hug him and shake him at the same time. “Because I care, Kit. I can’t help but care. It’s just who I am. It’s in my makeup, I guess.”
For a moment, we stared at one another, but then the sound of a radio made me jump.
“Miss, is this man bothering you?”
I turned and saw a policeman coming our way. He walked towards us, standing in between Kit and me. He turned slightly to the side so that he had a good view of both of us. As the policeman looked at me, I saw Kit stiffen again. His eyes were wide as if in fear. I hated seeing that.
Quickly turning my attention back to the police officer, I shook my head. “No, not at all. We’re actually very good friends. I’ve just finished a shift at work, and John kindly offered to walk me home. He likes to make sure I get there safely. You never know who is lurking about at night.” I smiled sweetly at him, hoping the policeman would see I was okay.
He looked at me for a moment. I wondered if he was trying to see if there were any signs of stress. Little did he know that the only stress I was under was trying to get rid of
him
, not because I was frightened of Kit.
Eventually, the policeman smiled and nodded his head. “Okay. You have a good evening.” He looked over at Kit once more and, reluctantly, walked away.
“Thank you, officer.” I waved sweetly at him and waited until he was out of earshot. “That was close.”
Kit stepped forward. “You called me John. Why?”
I shrugged. “To protect you. It just felt like the right thing to do.” I didn’t want to get into the fact that I could see the fear in his eyes at the sight of the policeman. There was obviously something he was hiding. I should be scared with that knowledge, but something was telling me not to be.
“Why are you being so nice to me?”
I threw my hands in the air. “I don’t know. Why are
you
such an ignorant pig to
me
?” I let out a sigh, then cringed at my outburst.
I needn’t have worried because the second time in the matter of a few nights, Kit smiled. It made my heart light up with so much joy, I couldn’t help but smile right back at him.
“I’m sorry, Olivia.”
I almost closed my eyes. I had heard my name thousands of times in my twenty years, but I’d never heard my name said in such a manner that made my knees weak.
Right now, I needed him closer to me. I didn’t want us to part here. I wanted him with me even if only for a few more minutes. I had a plan.
“I want to forgive you, Kit, but only on one condition.”
Kit’s eyebrow actually hitched and my smile came naturally. “What’s that?”
“You come home with me and get something to eat. It’s no fun eating on your own. I could use the company.” I bit my lip, waiting for the rebuff to come. I wasn’t sure why I pushed it. I guess I couldn’t help it when he gave me just a little bit of him. It was only natural to want more.
Eventually, Kit sighed. “Okay.”
I almost said
just like that?
However, I held my tongue. This man was a wealth of contradictions.
Instead, I nodded with a smile and made a move to start walking. Kit walked alongside me, but kept a little distance between us. I wasn’t sure whether that was deliberate, but I wouldn’t ask.
Once we reached my door, I unlocked it and left it open for Kit to walk through. It was warmer in there, so I immediately took my coat off, motioning for Kit to sit down.
“I know it’s late, but do you fancy some soup? I have chicken or tomato?”
Kit sat down and looked up at me. “Either will do. Thank you.”
I smiled sweetly and walked towards the kitchen. “Take your coat off, Kit!” I shouted over my shoulder. “Make yourself at home.”
For the next few minutes, I made myself busy with the soup, placing the two bowls and a loaf of bread on a tray. When I walked out, I almost dropped the tray. In fact, the sight of him made my hands shake so much, I had to run to the table to put the tray down.
Kit had his coat off. Underneath was a navy sweater, open at the top. The sweater was a little loose, but not loose enough to not notice the shape of him. His shoulders were broad and his arms looked quite muscular. From the open part of his sweater, I noticed he was hairless. He had so much of it on his face, but none on his chest that I could see. Without his woolly hat and coat, Kit looked like he should be on the cover of a magazine—minus all the hair and scruffy jeans, of course.
For a moment, I couldn’t look at him. I felt embarrassed that I had been caught staring, and even more embarrassed at my reaction to him. How the hell did I explain this?
“Olivia, are you okay?”
I quickly nodded my head. “Umm, yes. I just… It was the tray. It was a little heavy, that’s all.” My god, what a lame excuse.
I turned around, which was probably the worst thing to do. Kit was right behind me, closer to me than he had ever been. For a moment, my breath caught as I stared into his concerned eyes. How could those eyes ever look menacing when I saw what was truly behind them? He was simply beautiful.
Kit soon broke the spell when he covered his mouth with a sneeze. “Bless you,” I instantly said.
Kit nodded. “Thank you.”
I motioned to the chair. “Please sit. Enjoy.”
Kit turned and I got a view of what he looked like from behind. His jeans were hanging loosely from his hips, showing off his behind. And oh, what a behind. I never knew bottoms like that existed. It should be illegal. The need I had to reach out and squeeze him was so overpowering, it shocked me. Is this what it felt like to be in lust? I never felt anything like it before...apart from Uncle, and I didn’t really know what the hell
that
was.
I actually lost my virginity at eighteen because I felt I needed to get it over and done with. I knew that sounded stupid, but I was in a really bad place back then. I used to drink a lot and I would think how pathetic I was, and that no one would ever want me. I had tried it with Uncle so many times and he rebuffed me each time.