Instead, I looked him over and saw he was wearing a new pair of jeans I bought him. “They fit you well,” I observed. I noticed they fit him
too
well, but I wasn’t going to divulge that piece of information.
He looked down, fidgeting with the towel in his hand. “Umm…thanks. You shouldn’t have gotten them, but thanks.” He turned to walk out the door, then stopped and turned back around with a frown. “Olivia, who’s the shadowman?”
Every part of me stiffened, wondering how he could know. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Kit scratched his head. “Last night, you told me not to let the shadowman into the house.”
I cursed myself for letting that one slip. I must have been delirious.
“In my house growing up, we had a lot of shadows. When I was a kid, I used to think the shadowman would get me.” I laughed, but I didn’t think any of it was funny. Part of what I said was true, but the shadowman wasn’t in my imagination. He was real. He was very, very real.
He studied me a moment, then smiled. “That makes sense.”
He walked out the door before I could say anything more so I lay back down, my head pounding. Whatever this was, it was a bitch.
I heard Kit downstairs in the kitchen. It was strange hearing noises in my house without me being the one to cause them. I couldn’t help but smile. The thought made me happy. I was even happier with the knowledge that it was Kit who was making that noise. I liked him, and I wanted to be with him. Every time he gave me something, I wanted more. I was even starting to contemplate how I could possibly make him stay for longer than he probably anticipated. No doubt he’d want to be off the minute he knew I was better.
With that thought still running through my head, Kit appeared with a tray full of food and tea. “How do you normally like your tea?” I asked.
Kit frowned at me for a moment before placing the contents on my bed. “Milk and two sugars.” I smiled widely. “Why are you smiling?”
“Because I guessed right on how you liked it.” I looked down at the toast and saw he had put a dollop of jam and butter on the side. “Thank you for this. You don’t have to go to all this trouble looking after me, but I appreciate it.”
Kit smiled, and I knew that was him offering me what he could. I loved his smiles. They just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I wanted to know more, though. I
needed
more.
“What do you like, Kit? What is your favourite movie, or favourite book?” I knew I had to skirt around direct questions, but this would be a start. I buttered my toast and took a sip of my tea as I waited.
Kit shifted a little on the bed. “I haven’t seen a movie in a long time, but I used to read a lot of books. I like James Patterson, Dean Koontz, David Baldacci… They seem to be my favourites.”
My eyes widened. “Really? I love those authors. Lately, my choice has been romance, like
Fifty Shades of Grey
,
The Blackstone Affair
, that sort of thing.” I stopped abruptly and blushed when I realised how dirty he must think I am. “I mean… It’s not that I… It’s just that I like the romance behind it. I’m not into that kind of thing. I’m not a red room of pain kind of girl.”
Kit just stared at me as I waffled on, my cheeks flaming red as I continued my rambling, “Oh god. What must you think of me?”
I put my head down, feeling embarrassed. I seemed to get that a lot around Kit. When he didn’t say anything, I bit my lip and moved my eyes up so I could see his reaction. He was smiling again.
“Are you smiling at me?” He started laughing. Actual laughter. Right then, I wanted to jump out of bed and skip around my house. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.
I smiled back and pushed at his arm. He started laughing harder. “It’s not funny!” It was hard to act all annoyed when I was laughing along with him.
“You have such a wonderful laugh.” I smiled, but it dropped the minute Kit stopped laughing and stared at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”
I looked away and took a bite out of my toast. After eating one slice, I picked up my tea. “You make a nice cup of tea.” Kit smiled and bit into his own toast. “How long are you staying, Kit?”
He picked his cup up and drank a little from it before looking at me. “Until you get better.”
I smiled back at him, but there was a sadness there. I didn’t want him to leave once I got better. “You can stay as long as you want.”
Kit looked at me fiercely. “I’m not a charity case.”
My posture picked up. “I know you’re not.” I sighed. “Listen, Kit, is it so absurd to think that I like you being here?”
“Why?”
I sighed again. “I don’t know
why
.”
Kit looked away for a moment, a pained look on his face. “You shouldn’t want me here.”
Now it was my turn to frown. “Why not?”
Kit got up and picked up the tray. “Because I’m not a good man.” He looked down at the tray and back at me. “Are you finished?”
I nodded and watched as he walked toward the door. Before he could walk through, I whispered, “I don’t believe you.” Kit stiffened slightly before making his way downstairs.
I didn’t know how I was going to get through to him, but I was damn well going to try.
Chapter 10
I was walking through my old house in Cambridge, looking for my father. I would be fifteen in a couple days and wanted to go out with some friends. Because we moved around so much, I didn’t usually make friends. I was hoping we could stick around this time so I could get to know them.
I was so happy at that moment because we had been able to stay longer than our average six months in this house. I was eager to see my new friends and was dying to ask my father if I could go. Wondering where he was, I started searching everywhere.
“Father? Father, where are you?”
I walked into our big kitchen, not seeing him there. I then walked into our living room, but all was silent.
“Father, please tell me where you are? I need to ask you something.”
Silence met me again, so I decided to search upstairs. I was about to climb up when I heard the bang come from his office. Panicking, I ran towards him, wondering if he had fallen and seriously hurt himself. Something told me the bang wasn’t a good one.
I ran through the halls, towards his office. “Father, are you o–” I opened the door and saw my father on the floor, a gun in one hand and his phone in the other. His head was bleeding and his lifeless eyes stared back at me.
“Dad!”
I woke up screaming and covered in sweat. I started to panic because I didn’t know where I was. I struggled as a set of arms held onto me tightly. I moaned and cried out, trying to get whomever it was off me.
“Olivia, you’re okay. It’s me. It’s Kit. Please, stop struggling. You’re safe.”
I instantly relaxed and sobbed as Kit held me from behind. He was gripping me to him like his life depended on it. I moved and he loosened his grip. Turning to face him, I snuggled into his chest and let it all out.
Kit started stroking my hair. “It’s okay. It was only a bad dream.”
How could I tell him otherwise? It wasn’t a bad dream. It was my harsh, waking reality. Something I lived with day after day. Something that haunted me every minute of my day or night. Thinking about it, though, it had been a while since I had that dream. It confused me as to why I was having it again all of a sudden.
“It
was
just a bad dream…wasn’t it?” When I didn’t respond, Kit moved his face away to try and look at me. “Olivia, what happened to your father?” He felt me stiffen. “Olivia, talk to me.”
I shook my head. “It’s nothing. It was just a bad dream.”
Kit sighed and pulled me back into his arms. “I don’t believe you, but whenever you want to tell me, you can.”
I nodded and started shivering. Kit gripped me tighter as all my bones cried out in agony. I hated feeling this ill. In fact, I didn’t recall ever feeling this bad before.
As my shivers subsided, my eyes became droopy again. How much more sleep did I possibly need?
*****
Kit and I were cuddling in my bed. His hand moved down my back, as if he was caressing me. He pressed his hand in the small curve above my hip and pulled me to him. I moaned, feeling how hard he was. His hand moved further south and gripped my thigh as I thrust my hips against him. I threw my leg over him and pulled him closer to me.
“More,” I whimpered. “Please, Kit. More.”
I felt him kiss me above my breasts and up towards my neck. “Oh god, Kit!” I pulled at him, desperate for him to release the intense heat rising up within me. “I want to feel you. I need you.”
I heard a growling sound deep in his throat and it made me shudder all over. Everything about him was making me hypersensitive. I thrust myself deeper into his crotch and moaned at how good it felt. I was trying to feel him in any way I could, but my hands were restricted. Why couldn’t I move my hands?
I wiggled a little more, trying to get free. Suddenly, my hand appeared, and I started to reach for Kit, but he gripped my wrist.
“Olivia!”
I woke up to find myself wrapped around Kit. He had his hand on my wrist and was staring at me with a panicked look in his eyes. My leg, just like in my dream, was wrapped tightly around him.
Oh god, what have I done?
My eyes widened when I realised the seriousness of our situation. I had been dreaming, but it would seem I was trying to act out my dream. I wanted to die.
“I’m so sorry, Kit. What did I do?” He released his grip, and I immediately covered my face. “Oh god. Maybe it’s best you don’t tell me.”
I felt Kit slide off the bed and, for a moment, I thought he was going to leave me. “Kit, wait! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to–”
“Maybe I should sleep in the next room.”
I frowned. Next room? The next room is where my studio…
Oh shit
. “No! You can’t go in there!”
But it was too late. He had already left the room, and I went racing after him. When I got into the hallway, I saw that the door to my studio was wide open, but I couldn’t see Kit. I smacked my forehead and groaned. “Oh no.”
Timidly, I moved forward, noticing how much it hurt, but not as much as earlier. When I got to the threshold of the door, Kit was standing in the middle of the room, looking around, taking in all my landscape paintings, photorealistic paintings… Then his eyes fell on a particular one that stood out from them all. A couple of them were of him, but this one was the biggest. It was a close-up, his dark blonde hair pushed behind his ears. I had paid particular attention to his facial hair, making sure his short beard was as pronounced as possible. I even painted the tiny scar on his left cheek I had once noticed. I always marvelled at that scar because I wondered how long it truly was. It was hard to tell with his beard. It was the eyes that I paid the most attention to, though. Right now, those grey-blue eyes were staring at me, trying to reach into my soul. Those eyes foretold hope, promises, sadness, and despair. They were the most haunting eyes I had ever seen.
I stood there in the quiet. I didn’t know what he was going to think of me drawing him like that without his knowledge. I gripped onto the t-shirt I now wore, which I didn’t remember putting on. Kit turned. His eyes were wide with shock. Right then, I became panicked, thinking he was going to bolt and leave me again. Instead, he pointed. “Did you do that?” He looked over at the painting, then back at me.
I flinched a little and bit my lip. It was like my whole body wanted to cave in on itself and disappear. I found the courage, looked up, and nodded. I looked back down again because I didn’t want to see the look of hurt, anger, disappointment, or whatever disgusted look he wanted to throw at me. I couldn’t take it.
Out of my peripheral vision, I saw that Kit was suddenly on the move and was heading for the door. I stepped to one side and held myself against the wall, knowing he was going to pass me any moment and be out the door.
And out of my life.
I wanted to sob, I wanted to shout, but I knew it would be no use. He hated me and, quite frankly, I didn’t blame him. He now knew that he was my obsession.
As he got closer, I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to see that look on his face when he passed me. When he didn’t pass, I chanced opening my eyes. He was standing in front of me and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me to him. His mouth pressed against mine, and I threw my arms around his neck. Our lips meshed together in the most spellbinding kiss I had ever experienced. It was hot. It was warm. Most of all, it was deadly. Deadly to my body, which wanted more. Deadly to my heart, which wanted to let him in. Deadly to the soul that Kit was slowly coaxing out of me.
Needing more, I pushed out my tongue, seeking entrance. At first, Kit hesitated, then he opened his mouth and our tongues finally met. He groaned, placing one hand firmly behind my head as the other trailed up my back. He pulled me tightly to him.
Feeling like I needed to feel more of him, I slid both hands up his t-shirt and gently scraped my nails from his shoulders down to his hips before squeezing him to me. Kit growled again, and my whole body shuddered
Keeping his mouth firmly pressed against mine, Kit’s breathing became more laboured and his actions more desperate as he hoisted me up against the wall. I wrapped my legs around his waist and felt how hard he was when he dug himself into me, moaning as he did.
Suddenly, he banged his fist against the wall, making me jump. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to make this right for you.”
I placed a hand on his cheek and gently stroked his delicate hairs. “You’re making it right for me.”
Kit sighed and placed his head on my shoulder. “You don’t understand. I’ve never done this before.”
If I thought my heart couldn’t take anymore, I was wrong. It thrashed wildly in my chest at his admission. “You’ve never had sex?”
He sighed against my shoulder. “Yes, I have, but not like this.” I felt him shake his head before looking up to meet my eyes. “Not like this.”
I didn’t know what he meant. I was longing for this man with such wild abandon, all thoughts were scrambled. “I don’t understand.”
He sighed again and rested his forehead against mine. “We can’t do this. I can’t do this with you.”
Those were the last words I wanted to hear. I was desperate for him. Could he not tell from that kiss just how much I wanted this?
I grabbed the back of his neck. “Kit, please. I want this. I want you.”
He let go of my legs and I felt myself sliding back down on the floor. My heart sank. I was so close to feeling something natural, something real, only to have it ripped away from me.
Feeling the tears brimming, I lay my forehead against his chest. “I’m so sorry,” he offered, but it didn’t stop my heart from being ripped from my chest. It didn’t stop the overwhelming rejection after knowing just how good it felt to be with him this way. His kisses and his touch were nothing I had ever felt before.
I wanted more.
“Kit, who were you before? Did you...? I mean, were you a...?” I couldn’t get the word out. “The other morning, when you were sick, you said that you could please me and my husband couldn’t. Did you used to sleep with women for money?”
I felt Kit stiffen as our breathing started to calm a little. His silence was so palpable, you could hear a pin drop. I thought he wasn’t going to answer, maybe even push me away. But then he sighed. “No, I didn’t, but I may as well have.”
I shook my head and looked into his eyes. “I don’t understand.”
Kit cupped my head in his hands. “You’re not meant to.” He sighed heavily. “My life before was built on deception, cruelty, and lies. Sometimes I feel I can’t touch you because I’m too tainted, too unworthy, too damaged. You’re so untainted and pure that to touch you with my filthy hands will only rub what is inside me onto you. I can’t do that to you.”
Knowing how wrong he was, I placed my hands on his arms.
I
was tainted.
I
was damaged. Despite knowing how wrong it all was, I wanted him. “I want you to touch me, Kit. I don’t believe you could ever be bad, or damaged, or unworthy of me. When I look at you, I see a man who is desperate for someone’s touch, desperate to reach out, desperate for someone to love him. I want you to touch me, feeling that it’s right, that it is pure between us. I want you to only think of me and you. No one else. Just us. Don’t think about your past or what you used to be. It doesn’t matter now. What matters is how you move forward. What matters is the man you are today. I want that man.”
Kit breathed heavily, gently kissing me on the lips. He gripped his eyes shut and shook his head. “I don’t know how to be that man.”
I stroked his beard. “Let me show you. Let me show you the man you can be.”
Kit stayed silent for a moment, just holding me tightly. There was nothing sexual about it. Nothing to tell me there was an ulterior motive. He just wanted to hold me. And, right now, I wanted to hold him, too. I could never tire of being held by Kit. His comfort was like nothing else.
So I cradled my head in his neck, allowing him full access to me. I was accepting his offer of affection one hundred percent, but no matter my desire for him, this connection was something more. Something special, something real. When he held me, it felt as though nothing could harm me. Nothing could get in my way. Nothing could break me. I was safe and felt loved. For the first time in my life, I truly felt loved.
Reluctantly, Kit pulled away. “Let’s get you back to bed. You need to rest.”
I laughed. “I’ve done nothing but rest. In fact, I’m feeling pretty hungry.”
Kit held out his hand to me and I took it. “Well, I’ll make you something to eat. But first, I must make sure you get back to bed. You’re still far from better.”
I squeezed his hand and let him lead the way. “You know, I could get used to this.” I bit my lip, worried I may have come on too strong.
Kit just smiled. “Everyone needs looking after from time to time.”
I raised my eyebrow. “Am I just
everyone
then?” I was just teasing, but Kit looked serious.
“You’ve never been just everyone.” He pulled me into the bedroom and led me to the bed. Once I sat down, he pushed the covers over a little bit for me and swung my legs onto the bed. When I lay down, he pulled the covers back over me and smiled. “What would you like to eat?”