Breath Of The Heart (15 page)

Chapter Twenty-seven

Emma

Genie called and asked if I wanted to go out with her, Lucy and Andrea on Friday. I accepted her offer immediately. The thought of dancing the night away with a few vodka and 7s was my idea of a good time. All week I looked forward to it and even went out shopping to pick up some new outfits.

Thursday after class Zach was waiting for me alone. No Heather. She'd been a fixture every day, saying goodbye with their long drawn out kisses. Yuck.

"I'm the driver tomorrow night," he said. "I'll drop you guys off and pick you up later."

"You have a hot date?"

"No, hanging out with the guys."

"What about Heather?"

"We stopped seeing each other. Nice girl but not right for me."

I stumbled and nearly hit the ground. Zach grabbed my arm to steady me. "You okay?"

"Tripped over my own feet." What I wanted to do was a happy dance. "Sorry to hear about Heather."

"No big deal. So what are we eating tonight?"

"It's nothing too exotic, just some Crockpot chili. I didn't have time for anything else."

"Homemade garlic bread?"

"Yup, but the bread is frozen. No time for fresh."

"Before you came along, dinner was either a sandwich or something I could nuke."

"Then you must be happy to have me around."

He smiled. "Yup, you're okay."

My body warmed and my skin tingled. "I was thinking of making roasted chicken tomorrow with lemon potatoes and a Greek salad."

"I love your lemon potatoes."

"I could use the rest of the lemons to make a meringue pie."

"I love lemon meringue pie."

I smiled. We were back to normal, just the way I liked it.

~~~~~~~~

I loved dancing. Andrea, Lucy, Genie and I danced at Diablo's, the latest and hottest club to open, and I didn't have a single care. With Heather out of the picture, the dark cloud that had been hanging over me for weeks had finally lifted. I was having fun again.

"Let's talk," Genie suggested. We were both glistening from sweat and in dire need of drink refills. We found a quiet part of the bar with a bunch of sofas and tables while Andrea and Lucy continued to dance.

"Thanks for inviting me," I said. "I'm having a great time."

"You're invited anytime. To be honest, this is first time I've been out since we got back to school."

"We've got to do it more often."

"Let's toast to more girls' nights out."

I sucked back half my drink, letting the alcohol roll down my throat. I could have done a toast to fake IDs, but that was for another time. Instead I scanned the crowd, a contented smile plastered on my face.

"How have you been? We really haven't talked much," Genie said, sipping her rum and Coke.

"I've been good. Work and school keeps me busy."

"Any Bianca sightings?"

I stiffened a little. She, or one of her cohorts, had sent another text. "No, I don't see her."

"And everything is good with my brother? He hasn't driven you crazy yet?"

"No, we have a good time."

"You know, he cares about you."

"I'm care about him too. He's done so much for me and I don't know how I'll ever repay him."

Genie grinned devilishly. "That's not what I meant."

So many times things went straight over my head. For instance, my friendship with Jake was full of hints that I was a bother to him, but I'd missed them all. Or the time at summer camp when I was twelve – my only summer camp. I was hanging out with a couple of girls who I thought liked me up until I caught them in the showers telling other girls how creepy I was because I read a lot and didn't like to talk about boys or talk about much at all.

But this hint was hitting me straight in the face.

"I know what you're thinking but I'm sure you're wrong."

"I've known Zach for twenty years. We shared a womb together so I've got a pretty good read on him. I know when he likes a girl and he likes you a lot."

My mouth went dry. Coming from Genie, this was serious. Although I'd only known her a few short months, she wasn't the type of person to bullshit anyone. "I still think you're wrong."

"And how do you feel about him?"

"I don't know," I said, avoiding eye contact and stirring my drink over and over again. If I kept it up, I'd stir the fizz right out of it.

"Do you still like that Jake guy?"

"Not a chance."

"Then what's the problem?"

"We have a good relationship so why complicate it?"

"Don't hate me for asking, but have you had a boyfriend before?"

"No, not really."

Genie chortled. "What kind of answer is that?"

"Well, a few months before my grandma died, I dated this guy at the tennis club. He was nice and I was curious. We went out a few times and had sex once. Looking back I think I wanted to know what it was like even though I didn't really feel a connection with him. It's not something I regret."

Genie sucked back her drink and motioned to the bartender to get us refills. "You know, I have a lot of respect for that. You were curious, you got it out of the way. Was he cute at least?"

"I guess so. It was his first time too, so we were a bit of a mess. I didn't call him, he didn't call me and we were both happy about that."

"The first time isn't memorable unless you really like the guy and he's super cute and has an amazingly beautiful sister."

I rolled my eyes and finished my drink. "Zach is great, but he scares me."

Had I said that aloud? Damn alcohol. And it wasn't like I was tipsy.

"Zach isn't scary. Why do you say that?"

"I don't want to go out with a guy for a few months. When I meet the right guy it has to be long term. Zach isn't a long term kind of guy."

"That's because he hasn't met the right girl. You're the right girl."

My cheeks flushed. "You don't know that."

"Remember, I shared a womb with him. I know what he's thinking before he does."

I fidgeted on the sofa. Did I tell her about the kiss? Maybe she already knew about it. My head was a whirlwind of jumbled thoughts, none helped by alcohol. "I'm not his type of girl."

Genie's eyes narrowed. "Oh yes, you most certainly are. And he knows it too and that's why he's been very cautious with you. I think you should give him a chance."

The bartender came around with our drinks and right after that Andrea and Lucy joined us on an empty sofa. All discussion about Zach ended and I wasn't sad about that.

~~~~~~~

Saturday night, as I nursed the last of a mild hangover, Zach ordered pizzas. While I devoured a slice of pepperoni, mushroom and black olive pizza, he found a movie for us to watch.

"I'm starved," I said between bites. "This is good pizza."

"It's from Luigi's. Normally they don't deliver this far, but my family's a good customer."

I wolfed down three slices before sprawling out on the sofa. "I'm stuffed," I said. Zach got up to grab more beers and I lifted my legs and tucked up my knees to make room for him.

"Stretch your legs, no big deal," he said, grasping on to them and laying them over his thighs. Sure, it was only an innocent touch, but it still got my blood pumping.

"What do you want to watch?" he asked, handing me a beer. "I've got it narrowed down to a few."

"Whatever you want."

"Action flick it is."

He settled on a shoot 'em up movie. I watched disinterestedly, mostly from my carb coma, and didn't notice right away that both Zach's hands were on my lower legs, rubbing them ever so gently. I liked it but it terrified me and my calves tensed and grew rigid. Damn! Why was I getting nervous? Deep down I trusted Zach, but why was I so scared?

I sucked back some beer and closed my eyes. I'd think some happy relaxing thoughts like frolicking on a Hawaiian beach even though I'd never set foot on one, or reading a book on a comfy lawn chair by the lake. At some point I drifted off to sleep and an hour or so later Zach was tickling my feet.

"Hey," I said, squirming.

"You missed the entire movie," he said.

I yawned and sat up."Did I miss anything good?"

"It was all right. Want another beer? More pizza?"

"I'm good."

He got up and grabbed another beer and slice of pizza. He munched away and I couldn't help but stare at his strong jaw line, five o'clock shadow and the muscles flexing in his arms. Feeling my eyes on him, he turned to look at me.

"Do I have pepperoni on my face?"

"No."

I wanted to kiss him so badly.

"Should we watch another movie or are you going to crash in five minutes?"

"We can watch a movie. I'll try to stay awake."

This time he chose an action movie with a hint of romance. A few minutes in and I was already envisioning wrapping my arms around him but I didn't dare move. I didn't know how to tell him what I wanted when I was scared of where it would lead. My conversation with Genie kept running through my head. What if she was wrong?

I leaned in closer to him, a completely involuntary action. He smelled so nice. What if he rejected me? But to have his arms around me, holding me close. And if he got mad? Asked me what I was doing? Made a big deal? I was a mess.

"What's up? Are you cold?" he asked, his hand resting on my thigh just above the knee. The heat radiating through my jeans and up my leg was like nothing I'd felt before.

I looked at him, wide-eyed and wanting. We stared at each other for what felt like forever. Reading my mind, he grasped onto my arms and pulled me close and I closed my eyes, and let out a contented sigh. His lips pressed gently against mine, testing the waters, waiting for me to respond. I kissed him back, feeling every inch of my body come alive. This was what connected felt like. He slid his arms around me, resting on the small of my back. Effortlessly he lifted me so that I was straddling him. The kiss intensified, his tongue passing over mine, still tasting of beer. My head was swimming with emotions and feelings so foreign to me.

Our breaths heavy, he pulled me closer, my chest pressed up against his. His lips left mine, passing over my earlobe sending the most marvelous chill through me.

"Come to my room," he said, his voice low and wanting.

My body went cold. His room meant sex. I leapt off him like someone had thrown a bucket of ice water on me. "No, I can't."

He looked puzzled, the euphoria of the last few minutes fading away. "Emma, we don't have to. Why are you so freaked out?"

Did I look freaked out? My hands were shaking but that could have been from our make-out session. "I'm not, I can't move that fast."

"Fine, we can move slowly," he said, extending his hand to me. "I know it's your first time and I don't want to rush you."

"I'm not a virgin. I guess you just assumed that? Like no guy would want to have sex with me?" Why was I getting so defensive? I had to rein it in.

"Sorry, you just never mentioned a boyfriend."

"I had sex with a guy once. Now you know. I guess you don't get to bang a virgin."

What was wrong with me? Now I'd pissed him off too. I could see his face souring by the second.

"I'm beginning to think that your opinion of me is pretty low. Like I just screw around, have some fun then move on. I've known you for five months so if that's what I wanted to do don't you think I would have tried it a long time ago? Emma, I like you. . . you know what, never mind. Keep pining for Jake."

He got up, grabbed his keys, jacket and left. I stood in the living room not knowing what to do or how to fix what I'd royally screwed up.

Chapter-Twenty-eight

Emma

I waited up for Zach, but he didn't come home until late. I wanted to talk to him but based on his expression the next morning, he was in no mood. He had his gym bag and passed by the living room and out the door without a word.

I slumped down on the sofa and wanted to cry. I thought if we talked it through we could come to some kind of understanding, but I didn't even know what to say. I was getting worked up over so many things, too many to make any rational sense of. If we started dating and it got serious then what? First I'd have to tell Dad, second I'd have to be a girlfriend – and I had no idea what that entailed – and thirdly, I had to let Zach into my personal space and no one got that close to me. That's why I loved Jake so much. He was unattainable, just the way I liked it.

The hardest part of all was talking to Zach. I didn't know how to have this conversation with him. What would I even say? For a brief moment I considered writing him a letter, like my old therapist told me to do after Grandma died. The letter was supposed to be to Grandma telling her how much I missed her, how angry I was that cancer had taken her away and any other feelings I was having. I wrote the letter and it did make me feel better, but then what was I supposed to do with it? Mail it to heaven? I didn't even like Mr. Saunders. He always shooed me from his office before the hour was up like he had a million other things to do.

I made coffee and waited. He couldn't hide at the gym forever, and just after noon, he came through the door. I leapt from the sofa and caught him before he could retreat to his bedroom, change and leave again.

"Can we talk for a minute?" I asked, blocking his path.

His expression couldn't look more disinterested. "About what?"

"Last night. Give me a chance to explain."

He set his gym bag down and grimaced. He was not happy which made the butterflies in my chest flutter even more. "Fine."

"Let's sit," I suggested. He seemed less imposing that way.

He followed me to the sofa and we sat. He was staring straight ahead, tense and annoyed while I faced him, a nervous wreck.

"I'm not the best communicator," I began.

"You can say that again," he muttered.

I let out a quick, halting breath. He wasn't going to make this easy. "Sometimes I just panic like I did last night. I wasn't ready to have sex with you. It doesn't mean I don't want to. It was just happening so fast."

He faced me, his eyes full of fire. "Answer one question: are you still in love with Jake?"

"No! Why do you keep asking that? I haven't talked to or seen him in months."

"I think you panic because if you're with me you can't be with him."

The longest moment passed, the two of us just staring at one another. I took one deep breath to calm myself and wished I had water to wet my dry mouth. "Jake's dead to me. He hurt me more than anyone ever could. He was my friend, or so I thought. Jake was supposed to be my soul mate, my forever, but that ended a long time ago. And you think I still want to be with him? I don't want to be in the same room with him."

"Then why haven't you told your dad the truth?"

So that was it? "I'm not protecting Jake, I'm protecting my dad. Dad always comes first."

More painful silence. I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a cliff and Zach had the power to give me that final push.

He crossed his arms over his chest, his face tight and grim. "What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know because I don't know what you want from me."

"I don't know either. I just want to let things happen. I don't want to set out a plan or a schedule, that's not how it works. It has to be fluid."

"I can do that."

He rolled his eyes. "You don't even know what it is that you think you can do."

I let out a frustrated sigh. "Is this about sex?"

"No," he said, rising. "It's about you letting go, not being so introverted. I try to break your shell and you push me away. This is too much work. You're too much work. I'm going out with the guys so I won't be around tonight."

He went to his room and I sat there, dumbfounded and hurt. That was it, I was giving up.

~~~~~~~

Helen was a nice diversion. We trained for the upcoming tournament and each time I hit a ball I imagined it was either Jake or Bianca. After about twenty minutes Helen put up her hand and motioned me over to the net. She was huffing and puffing and I gave her a minute to catch her breath.

"Who pissed in your Corn Flakes this morning?" she asked.

"What?"

"I can't keep up with today. You've got no mercy for me. I know you want to whip me into shape, but you might kill me first."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean it."

"You want to tell me what's wrong, or is it none of my business?"

"It's nothing. I'm fine."

"If you need to talk, this old broad can give you some sound advice. I've been around the block more than a few times."

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

I wasn't about to tell Helen my troubles with Zach. For a whole week he and I said little to each other. We went to and from school and most evenings he busied himself playing basketball, hockey or studying at the library. Everything I didn't want to happen was exactly what was happening.

"Let's call it a night. We'll train again on Sunday?"

"Yes." Our qualifiers were coming up, not that I was worried. I'd seen a few other teams practicing and they weren't going to be much of a challenge.

I went home and found Zach in his usual spot eating Chinese takeout. He didn't share and I didn't ask. Instead I made myself a salad and was eating alone at our dining room table when Genie stormed into the apartment, a few bags in hand.

"Steve and I are over," she announced.

Zach looked up from the sofa, chopsticks in mid-air and I was still chewing my last bite. Genie threw down her bags and sat across from me.

"He's been screwing around behind my back. For months! That asshole!

Zach joined us and we watched and listened as she gave the play by play of Steve's latest shenanigans. A two year relationship over and Genie didn't seem heartbroken, more furious than anything else.

"All those late nights working had nothing to do with work! The shit was sneaking around."

"I never liked the guy," Zach deadpanned.

"I know Mom and Dad are going to celebrate when they find out. I hate when they're right."

"I guess you're moving back here?" Zach asked.

"For now, yes."

"You can have your room back. I'd be happy to take the sofa," I volunteered.

"No, I'll take the sofa," Zach said, throwing me a look of disapproval. "Genie, you take my room until we figure something out."

"Sorry guys, I know you had a nice arrangement here. It's only for another six weeks."

"Zach cannot stay on the sofa for six weeks," I protested.

"Look, we'll figure something out. For tonight that's the arrangement," Zach said, exasperated. His fuse was short lately.

Zach helped Genie bring up the last of her things while I puttered in the kitchen putting together a last minute dinner for her. We had lettuce, tofu, mushrooms and rice, so I put together some vegetarian lettuce wraps. A part of me was happy to have Genie around. She'd cut the tension in the apartment. A non-hostile face would be a nice change.

"This has to be homemade lemonade," Genie said while she ate. I had a lettuce wrap and so did Zach. We didn't want her eating alone.

"Pretty much everything around here is from scratch," Zach said.

"Emma, stop spoiling my brother. He doesn't deserve it."

"Sure he does," I said with a little laugh. Genie had already lifted the storm clouds hovering over the apartment.

He looked at me from across the table and gave me the smallest smile. My heart fluttered.

"And you just whipped up the ingredients for lettuce wraps? The seasoning is perfection."

"Sorry it's such a meagre dinner. That's all we had. I was going to do groceries tomorrow."

"I could eat this every day. I'm so used to eating out. I think I'm going to look forward to the next month and a half."

We finished eating and Genie went to take a shower, to cleanse the dirt of Steve. Her words. Zach helped me with the dishes which was a pleasant surprise.

"I don't mind taking the sofa. I'm the interloper."

"Em, it's fine. It won't kill me."

He didn't sound annoyed anymore.

"I bet you're happy about Steve."

"Let's just say I don't mind sleeping on the sofa for six weeks if it means he's out of Genie's life for good."

"It's going to be fun with the three of us here."

He smirked. "Not exactly what I was thinking."

It made sense to give Genie back her old room. I took a few of my things and set up camp in Zach's room. In all the months I'd lived with him, I'd never set foot there. He didn't have much in it other than the largest bed he could fit, a nightstand, a dresser, mirror and a three shelf bookcase filled to the brim with all kinds of books from how-to to who-done-it with a modest selection of science fiction. On the nightstand was a simple lamp, alarm clock and the latest book he was reading on carpentry. The best part of the room was his fully equipped bathroom.

I set my stuff down and rejoined them in the living room debating what television show to watch.

"I'm not watching that," Zach said. "I suggest you watch television in your own room."

"Emma, how do you get him to change the station?"

"I usually don't mind watching sports and when I get bored I read a book."

She pursed her lips. "I guess I'll be watching in my room."

"Great idea. Glad I reminded you."

"I'm going to start unpacking. Emma, why don't you help? I was going to give away a bunch of clothes, but I wanted to offer them to you first."

I jumped at that chance. The thought of having some of Genie's designer hand-me-downs was a no-brainer. My wardrobe consisted of casual jeans, yoga pants, workout gear and knit sweaters. The runways of Paris, Milan and New York had nothing to worry about.

I sat at the edge of my old bed as she went through her bags, piling clothes into the discard pile for me to look at. I took a couple of skirts, a blouse, a few dresses and all the sweaters, some with tags still attached.

"Thanks, Genie. Are you sure?"

"I'm sure! I have so many clothes that I don't have anywhere to put them. Next time you're at the house, we'll go through my closets there. I could probably give you enough stuff to have a different outfit for a month."

"I think you have an addiction."

"Yes, but I like it."

She put away the rest of her clothes, folding and arranging them neatly.

"So you and Steve are really over? You won't change your mind?"

"No, and it's been a long time coming. Lately all he was talking about was getting Dad to find him a job. I started getting the feeling he was using me. And then when I got the vibe he was cheating, it really went south. Once I had it confirmed, it was over. I don't forgive cheaters."

"I'm sorry that he hurt you."

She shrugged. "I'm over it. Like I said, it wasn't a surprise. How are things going with you and Zach?"

A flash of dread came over me. "Good."

"That's not what I mean."

It felt weird talking to her about Zach, but who else could I talk to? "I know. I think I frustrate him and I don't know how to change that. I'm not that fuzzy and cuddly kind of person and I think that's what he wants. And he's under the mistaken impression that I'm still holding out for Jake. I'm not. Not even a little."

Genie shut the door and sat beside me. "I'm getting that you're spooked and he probably is too. Zach's used to dating girls for awhile, getting bored and moving on. Emma, you're that it girl."

"It girl?"

"Yeah, the that's it girl. And I can guarantee you that it freaks the hell out of him."

"I'm afraid too. I've never been a girlfriend and I know this isn't a casual dating situation. And I'm not planning any weddings, if that's what you're thinking."

Genie laughed. "I wasn't. Do you feel like he's pressuring you?"

"Yes and no. That's not much of an answer, is it?"

"I understand. If he cares about you the way I think he does, he'll wait for you to come around. Don't let Zach or any other guy push you into anything. Promise me that."

"I promise."

It was getting late and I could see by Genie's drooping eyes that she was exhausted. I wished her a good night and returned to the living room. Zach was now watching a late night hockey game.

"I was going to go to sleep. Do you need anything?"

"Yeah, I should probably get a few things." He leapt up from the sofa and went to his room, returning with a few clothes and a pillow. I'd already taken a spare set of sheets and blankets from the small linen closet and set them down on the sofa.

"Do you want me to help with anything?"

"Nah, I'll be fine."

I felt horrible making him sleep on the sofa. I opened my mouth to offer one last time, but he cut me off before I got a word out.

"It's fine. I've passed out on this sofa enough times. It's comfortable."

Resigned, I went to his room, changed, got into bed and stared at the ceiling. Sleep had no intention of coming. A million thoughts streamed in and out of my head. I could have offered to sleep with Genie so that Zach could have his bed back. I'd do that in the morning. It seemed reasonable. Or . . . no, I couldn't even go there, or could I? I closed my eyes envisioning Zach in bed with me, platonic of course, or maybe . . . I opened my eyes. So many times I wanted to touch him, just like all the times I wanted to touch Jake, but this was different. Tangible. How many times had I longed to have Zach put his strong arms around me and those kisses? His kisses lit a fire in me.

I sat up trying to shake my thoughts. Sex with Andy had been so mechanical, something between two curious sixteen-year-olds. Neither of us wanted anything more, at least I didn't. I wanted to have sex, know what it felt like and move on. But the thought of having sex with Zach was something different. I yearned for him, his touch, his kiss, his breath on my neck. I wanted to wake up next to him, wrapped up in his arms. I wanted him to hold my hand, hug me and more than anything, I wanted the intimacy you shared with someone you cared for.