Breakable (21 page)

Was
he mad?

“So,
uh, I’ve been calling all week. Where you been?”

I
frowned. Dex had been calling? Why hadn’t he come here if he wanted to find me?

“Here,”
I said uncertainly. “I’ve been working on my art portfolio. It’s due in two
weeks.”

He
scanned the table, noting the total lack of anything interesting. “Man, I hope
it’s worth it. Seems like a lot of trouble to go to for nothing.”

Thanks
for the vote of confidence.
“Um, yeah.”

I
started shading a sphere, keeping the pencil strokes even and in the right
curve to mold the shape on paper. I didn’t want to talk to Dex just then. My
stomach growled, my head spun with questions. I wanted to talk to Older Me
since apparently she was sticking around for once.

But
Dex wasn’t going anywhere. He picked up one of my pencils and twirled it
between his fingers, not meeting my eyes. “So, uh, I’ve been trying to catch
you all week because… um…”

Spit
it out.

While
I focused on the paper in front of me, Dex cleared his throat.

“There’s
been a bunch of stuff going on for the end of the year. The rally last week was
fun. I didn’t see you there.”

I
shrugged, kept my eyes on the page in front of me.

Dex
shifted in his seat. “Will you be at the junior rally on Friday?”

I
shrugged again. “I don’t know. I’ve still got a lot of work to do.”

Dex
kind of scoffed and a rush of irritation made me drop the distracted act.

“Are
you laughing at me?”

“No!”
His eyebrows shot up and he finally met my eyes. “I’m just… just surprised. I
didn’t realize you were so serious about all this. It seems a little extreme,
don’t you think? I mean, are you even going to prom?”

“Are
you asking me?!” I blurted, then froze, mortified. Stupid!

“I,
uh… well, I thought maybe you and Mark…”

I
laughed for real, the thought was so ridiculous. “Um, no,” I coughed. “He’ll be
going with Karyn.”

The
words tripped out before I could shovel them back in. They made it sound like
the only reason I wasn’t going with Mark was because of her. “Not that that would
make any difference,” I added hurriedly. But we both knew I sounded lame.

I
dropped the pad and pencil and leaned back in my chair. “Sorry, Dex, I’m just
distracted. I haven’t had time to think about the dance. I’ve been so busy with
all the stuff I have to get done. Are you going?”

“Maybe.”
He played with my pencils again. He sounded weird. Cold and scared at the same
time. “I mean… do you want to go with me? Like we talked about?”

I
froze midstroke. Dex’s eyes crept up to meet mine.

It
was the first time a guy ever asked me to a dance. Did this mean…?

I
cleared my throat. “Um, sure…” I should probably have sounded more excited.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Great!”
Dex’s relaxed smile returned. He jumped up and started around the tables to
join me. “So, I have a plan.”

“Um,
okay…”

“The
others are going for dinner at
Stephans
, but I can’t stand Italian food.
Do you want to go to
Chucks
? You know, for old time’s sake?”

He
pulled out the chair next to mine and sat down, leaning forward on his arms and
shifting it closer until we were knee to knee.

The
whole situation was so unexpected, his reaction – his interest! – caught me so
off guard, I just stared.

“Uh…
sure?”

He
reached out, took my hand and pulled me closer. “Excellent.” Then he
had
me in his arms, kissing me, hands in my hair. It was so unexpected I pushed him
back. But he seemed unfazed. He smiled and reached forward to push a lock of
hair behind my ear, his finger trailing down my neck. “It’ll be awesome.”

“Yeah.”
I forced a smile back, but my heart thumped. His hand was still on my neck. It
felt too close, so I took it in mine to bring it down. I was completely off
balance. I’d barely spoken to Dex in three weeks, but he was acting like we
were
together.
The eagerness in his eyes…
All of the sudden it
felt like I’d agreed to something a lot bigger than just a dance.

I
swallowed. Dex sat so close, my knees were between his. He leaned in, eyes
twinkling. I couldn’t help being surprised and a little touched by his
excitement.

“Do
you have time to find a dress? I’ve already got a car booked and Finn’s parents
are letting him use their beach house.”

“Whoa,
whoa, wait – what are you talking about?”

Dex’s
lips slid up on one side and he leaned closer. “Finn’s parents have a house at
Seaside. Huge. Right on the waterfront. The whole crowd is going. Don’t you
want to?”

His
tone was gentle, probing, but the glint behind his eyes made me feel he was one
of them now.

Could
this be a trap?

And
the party was at Finn’s house. I couldn’t risk that.

But
everyone would be there. Drinking. Excited. It was a party after our junior
prom. What if Karyn lost her head and took off with Finn? What if Mark got
drunk and didn’t notice?

What
if this was my last chance?

I
nodded quickly, swallowing my nerves and leaning back just enough to get space.
“Of course. Yeah… that sounds good. It’s just, I’m not sure about Mom–”

“Don’t
worry about it, Terese’s mom is a total pushover. Some of the other girls are
telling their parents it’s a girl’s night out and Terese’s mom will back them
up because Terese told her that.” He sniggered. “So everyone’s going to be
there, even Karyn.”

That
name echoed in my skull. I couldn’t get past the feeling Dex was using her to
get to me. But Dex’s face was open, excited. He
wanted
me to go with
him. In front of the most popular people in our class. How long had I been
waiting for a guy to come along who acted like he wanted me around? What was my
problem?

I
pushed my mouth into a smile.

Dex
returned it in kind. “So you’ll come?”

“Of
course. If I can get Mom to say yes. Definitely.”

I
felt safer because I had an out. If it got too scary, I’d just tell Mom the
truth. She’d never let me go away overnight with guys… would she?

“Great.”
Dex leaned in again. I braced for another kiss, but he stopped, his lips just
short of brushing mine. “This’ll be perfect, Stellar. Promise. No moonshine
this time.” I winced at his use of my nickname, but he kissed me again without
noticing.

“You
aren’t serious about going to the after-party, are you?” Older Me demanded,
though her voice was low. “You know he’s expecting you to sleep with him?!”

“No.
I don’t
know
that.” I shifted in my seat, trying to sketch while I
talked to her. It was a good excuse not to meet her eye.

She
snorted. “Please. I saw your face when he talked about going overnight. You
know as well as I do that he’s only–”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t
what? Say that the only reason he’s asking you is–”

“I
said,
don’t!”
I threw my pencil down and glared at her in the
reflection. “Gawd, it’s like you can’t
stand
to have something good
happen to me! You have to suck the fun out of everything!”

“That
is not what I’m doing!” she hissed back. “I’m worried about you. I’m worried
you’ll go along with anything if you think it will gain you acceptance.”

“Shut
up! That’s not true.”

“No,
I won’t shut up. This is important, Stacy!”

“Why
can’t you just be happy for me?! Why do you
insist
on raining all over
everything good that happens to me? Dex is gorgeous and funny and we have
history and–”

“And
you’re only interested in
him
because he’s interested in
you
.”

Those
words hit me like cold water in the face. I shrugged off the shock and shook my
head. “No–”

“Stacy,
for goodness sake – when will you remember that
I’m you?
I know you! I
know how your head works – how your heart works–”

“Well,
you don’t know this,” I muttered, slamming my sketchbook closed and finally
meeting her eyes. “I said yes to him because I’m excited to go to the dance.
And yeah, it feels good that he likes me. So what? He’s hot. And if it shows
everybody else I’m not the loser they think I am, then that makes me feel good
too. I’ve been invited to the best prom party in our class, and I’m going to
go.”

“Will
you pay with your virginity?” she murmured, and all heat had gone out of her
words. I froze, gaping at her. Her eyes had gone wide and round. Dark smudges
appeared underneath them – had she looked that tired the whole time?

Then
she sighed and the sound was bone weary, “My life may have been different to
yours, Stacy, and I might think differently than you do now, but there’s one
thing I know for sure: It’s easy to get caught up. It’s easy to end up in a
place you didn’t plan. And sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’ve painted
yourself into a corner. When that happens, you make choices maybe you wouldn’t
otherwise…” She trailed off and I held my breath. When she didn’t continue, I
whispered, “What happened…?”

Older
Me swallowed, looked away, jaw pushed forward. “You don’t have to make the
choices I made.”

I
groaned. “Of course, sorry. I should have known there was no way you’d actually
share
from your apparently vast range of experience.”

“Stacy.”

“No,
no, just leave me alone. Thanks for making me feel cheap.” I turned on my heel
and threw the bathroom door open. She called after me, but I didn’t reply. I
didn’t want to talk anymore.

In
fact, I wasn’t sure I’d ever have anything to say to her, ever again.

Chapter Twenty-Five

I’m
looking at the clock. Only three more hours. And that’s assuming they don’t make
me stay for the paperwork.

What
can I say to convince him to let me out of here?

Doctor
touches my knee and I jump, jerking to look at him. His eyes are wary.

Oh
crap, did I say that out loud?

“Tell
me why you decided to go to prom with Dex, even when, at your own admission,
you two weren’t close?”

I
roll my eyes. “You make it sound like it was a big deal. I was seventeen and it
was junior prom. I wanted to go.”

Doc’s
lips purse. “I know there is more to it than that, Stacy. Perhaps to do with
Mark?”

“No
there isn’t! I wasn’t thinking that deeply back then–”

“Stacy,
I know this is hard, but if we’re going to get through this, you have to open
up.”

“I
am being open.” Even I’m not convinced by my breathy voice. “I told you about
who I see in the mirror.”

Doc
quirks an eyebrow. “Yet you don’t want to discuss the decisions you made with
her. I know we’re approaching some difficult events. But if you’re serious
about your release, you have to be willing to talk things over, even if they’re
painful.”

“Going
to prom with Dex wasn’t painful!” Not the way he means it, anyway.

“Stacy–”

“No!
I’m sick of this. I’m sick of everyone deciding they know what’s going on in my
head. Some things
aren’t
deep!”

“Yet,
those very things can have incredibly deep consequences.”

I
growl in frustration. It’s like being sixteen again. Everyone wants me to live
the way
they
think is right. Make the decisions they would make.

I’m
sick of it.

My
tension ratchets higher.

“Are
you completely nuts?” Mark hissed in my ear.

We
stood at my locker. The first bell of the morning was about to go and I smiled
because I was going to junior prom and Mark thought it was a bad idea, which
meant he cared.

“What?”
I slammed the door shut and clicked the lock in place, started down the hall without
meeting his eye.

“You
can’t go to Finn’s after prom!”

“Why
not?” I stopped midstride and turned to face him – then took a small step back.

Mark
loomed over me, his shoulders blocking my view of everything behind him. His
jaw was set, and those lines creased his brow. When he leaned in, it didn’t
feel conspiratorial. It felt threatening. “It’s always trouble when you and
Finn are anywhere near each other.” He muttered a curse. “Honestly, it’s like
you
want
him to make you miserable.”

I
gripped the straps of my bag so hard my knuckles turned white. “Dex asked me to
the dance. And he asked me to come to a party with him after. I didn’t know it
was at Finn’s until
after
I said yes. And you’re a jerk for saying
that.”

Turning
on my heel, I stormed down the hall, Mark right alongside, bumping my shoulder
because he walked so close.

“I
didn’t mean it like that,” he muttered in my ear. “But you’re asking for
trouble. This isn’t just a party. It’s at Seaside. Everyone’s drinking and
staying overnight. You won’t be able to just leave and walk home, you know that
right?”

“Yes,”
I said through gritted teeth.

We
turned the corner into the main hall just as the bell screamed overhead.

“Stacy,
stop!” Mark grabbed my arm and pulled me around. He looked mad.

“What
is your problem?!” I jerked my arm out of his grip. “I’m going, okay? I’ll stay
out of Finn’s way.”

“And
what about Dex?” he hissed. “It’s an
overnighter,
Stace.” He let the
implication hang.

I
met his blazing eyes with my own and stuck my chin out. “Are you going?”

He
frowned. “Yes, but–”

“Are
you taking Karyn?”

His
eyebrows shot up and his mouth dropped open. “That’s not… I mean…” he
spluttered.

A
little part inside me died because I wanted him to say
no
. I wanted him to
say he wouldn’t if I didn’t. Or something. Anything. But I could see the
double-standard clicking into place behind his eyes, so I scoffed and started
walking again. “I’ll see you in art,” I called over my shoulder.

And
when I made it to class without seeing him again it answered the last of my
doubts.

“Overnight?”
Mom chewed on the word.

“Yes.”

“With
boys?”

“Yes.”

She
stood at the kitchen counter, stirring pasta sauce into noodles. “And you’re
going with Dex again?”

“Yes.”

“Will
Mark be there?”

“Yes,
Mom.” I rolled my eyes. Nerves shrilled in my stomach because I was suddenly
sure she’d say
yes
. That was kind of disturbing. I guess I shouldn’t
have been surprised.

Stir,
stir, stir. Then Mom sighed and put the wooden spoon on the counter, speaking
to it instead of me. “I guess… I mean, I went overnight with my date after my
prom. I can’t see why…”

Oh,
Lord, what is she thinking? She’s going to say yes!

“But,
Stacy, you’re going to have to promise me you’ll be careful.” She finally met
my eyes.

“I
will be.”

“I’m
not joking, Stacy.”

“I’m
not laughing.”

Her
lips pressed together. For a second I was sure she’d finally act like a real
Mom and start yelling about how ridiculous it was that I’d think I could do
something so irresponsible and how it was only a mark of my immaturity that I
couldn’t see I wasn’t ready for this step.

But
she didn’t.

She
picked up the spoon and started stirring again – a little faster than before.

Then
she smiled. “Try to find a blue dress. You look best in blue.”

“So…you’re
definitely going?” Older Me whispers, peering over her shoulder.

I
nod. “It’s weird but…I don’t want to miss it.”

Older
Me nods too, but she doesn’t smile. Her face is pinched. Little white lines of
tension frame her mouth. She’s twitchy. She keeps looking over her shoulder.
She’s lost weight recently, too. I noticed this because I barely saw her for
the past month.

“You
haven’t been around much,” I say, wishing it didn’t sound like I was pouting.

“I’m
sorry about that,” she whispers, glancing to the side again. “But right
now…it’s hard.”

“Why?”

She
sighs and her eyes close. “Because it has to be. It’s the only way. You’ll see.
Eventually…you’ll see.”

Well,
that wasn’t cryptic or anything. I frown. She meets my eyes finally, but
there’s nothing but worry painted on her face.

“Older
Me–”

“I
have to go,” she says suddenly. I don’t bother trying to catch her. It always
ends this way now.

Doc
clears his throat, jerking my attention back to him. “The paintings,” he says.

I
nod once, furious that he had them. “Did you see all of them?”

“Yes.”
He’s trying to force me to talk. It isn’t going to work.

But
then I catch sight of the clock and, oh, gawd, it’s getting close. All this
work. All this risk.

“So,
the Dex one…” I say. My voice is hoarse. I clear my throat.

He
nods.

I
nod too. “Two dimensional,” I say.

He
sighs. “Stacy, I don’t think Dex’s portrait is the one we need to focus on.”

But
I do. Because it’s safe. And right now all I can think is, have I made a
mistake?

The
clock says 12:16.

I
bolt to my feet, pacing, breathing, trying to
get it together.