Authors: Jessica Shirvington
I
stretched out like a cat, silk sheets gliding beneath my hands. The morning birds were out in full force, probably nesting in the tree outside my room.
As lucidity wormed its way into me, the memory of the last twenty-four hours descended like a heavy blanket. My parents. Being hauled away. The clinic. Ethan.
Ethan. Drugging me, putting me under.
Ethan releasing the restraints, shaking his head at me, dressing my wounds, and that small gesture: brushing the hair from my eyes.
I’d been locked up. Medicated.
I’d been put on SW
!
I bolted upright in bed. Everything had fallen to shit.
My hands bunched up my silk sheets, gripping hard. The morning birds kept chirping. I’d slept right through the Shift and I was grateful for the small reprieve. Mom called out
from downstairs. She was leaving, but had left waffles in the kitchen. Sunday ritual.
I glanced around my same-as-always Wellesley bedroom.
Everything had gone wrong.
‘But not here,’ I whispered to myself. ‘Everything’s still okay –
here
.’
After staring into thin air for a while, routine kicked in. I got out of bed, showered and dressed.
I was downstairs, lost in thought and nibbling on cold waffles, when the sound of the doorbell almost made me fall off my kitchen stool.
Both hands on the front door, I peered around the small crack to find Dex wearing an eager smile on the other side.
‘You okay? You look like you expect someone to jump out of the bushes and attack?’ he joked.
He didn’t realise how right he was. With everything that had happened in my other life, it was exactly what part of me had expected. I tried to relax my stance and let the door drift open.
His eyes widened. ‘Woah! I mean,
woah
. Your hair! You look …’ He fumbled, something Dex, sporting god loved by all, did not do very often. ‘Hot.’
The corners of my mouth curled into a smile as I patted my newly blonde hair. ‘Thanks.’
‘No, I don’t think I’m being clear here. I mean, you look …’ And then his eyes travelled down my body and up again, and I knew exactly what he was thinking.
‘You’re being plenty clear, Dex,’ I said.
His gaze flicked back to mine sheepishly. ‘I really can’t wait until graduation. You and me, we’re so right together.’ He pulled me into his arms hungrily. ‘Everyone envies what we have.’
Something about what he said touched a nerve and I felt uncomfortable in his arms. And unsure why. In many ways it was true – Dex and I
were
a golden couple. Our friends all spoke about us as if we were perfect for each other. Even Dex’s controlling parents had given me the big tick of approval. Essentially we were a great fit, but the fact that it was so important to Dex that everyone knew it unsettled me.
But I didn’t want to upset anything in this world right now, so I planted a quick kiss on his lips before moving casually out of his hold.
‘I can’t wait for graduation either,’ I said with a small smile.
He closed the distance again. ‘You know, we don’t exactly have to. By the looks of it, your mom’s not at home.’ He raised his eyebrows suggestively.
In some ways, I agreed. I would have preferred less buildup around our ‘first time’ – just getting it over with seemed an easier option. But at the same time … I found myself smiling back at him and saying, ‘I’ve planned the whole night, Dex. It’s only days away. Patience.’
He bit his lower lip. I could see he wanted to argue, but the gentleman in him won out and he nodded. ‘I can be patient when I know what’s waiting at the end.’ A devilish smile
played on his lips. ‘And anyway …’ he stepped back, putting a little air between us, for which I was grateful, ‘… I came to see if you wanted to see a movie in the city?’
My knees almost gave out under me. ‘The city … Boston?’
He rolled his eyes. ‘Yes, Sabine. The city. I know you don’t love going into Boston, but they have the best cinemas and I thought it would be nice to get out of Wellesley for the day. What do you say?’
I usually avoided city outings like the plague, preferring to dodge treading the streets of my other life. It felt wrong. On so many levels. One time curiosity had led me to the address of my other home, only to discover that while the house was still there, it wasn’t the same. Just like everything in my two worlds, it was similar and yet just slightly ‘off’. To start with, another family lived there, and they – or the previous owners – had attempted a side add-on. Since then, being anywhere near Roxbury unnerved me. I preferred to keep my two lives completely separate.
Dex watched me with a hopeful glint in his eyes. He would only pester me and ask questions if I refused, and I hadn’t been quick enough to blurt out an excuse. And besides all of that, I needed to do something that was normal
.
So I painted on a smile and said, ‘Sure. A movie sounds great.’
Dex had planned the whole day, parking in a garage and then walking us towards a French bistro where he’d already made
a reservation. I tried not to let that irritate me and instead embrace the sweetness of the gesture, but for some reason I failed to gush very convincingly.
The bistro was named
Le Bon Gout
– Good Taste – and it was one of the most expensive lunch spots in Boston. Dex was out to impress.
We talked about our plans for the year ahead. About Harvard. Dex slipped in the idea of us getting a place together after freshman year. I tried to hide my frozen reaction – after all, it was the natural progression. One that I wanted. At least … I thought I wanted.
Lunch was delicious, both of us feasting on fish and sharing a crème brûlée for dessert. I smiled, even laughed, and desperately tried to ignore the thoughts that threatened to dominate my mind: the downfall of my other life, the sadness of knowing my parents hadn’t believed me, had not even given me the chance to explain.
I’d been locked away. And now I was polishing off crème brûlée.
The waiter came over and started to clear our plates.
‘
Bonne
?’ he asked.
I smiled. ‘
Qui, merci. Tout était délicieux
!’ I replied, the words rolling off my tongue.
The waiter’s eyes sparkled. ‘
Votre accent est presque parfait
,’ he said, complimenting my French.
My smile widened. ‘
J’aime la langue. J’ai été l’apprentissage
toute ma vie
,’ I replied, telling the waiter that I loved the language and had been learning it my whole life.
He beamed in response. ‘
Oui. Pas assez de gens réalisent les avantages de parler une autre langue. Vous pouvez prendre la compétence partout avec vous
.’ He gave me a small bow even as I sat there, stunned by what he’d said.
The waiter turned to Dex. ‘Please excuse me. Your friend is very lovely and so few of our customers speak French so well.’
Dex didn’t look impressed. ‘Yeah. She’s amazing.’ His expression grew sour and even a touch threatening as he added, ‘And she’s my
girl
friend.’ He passed the waiter money for the check.
The waiter smiled, unperturbed. ‘Of course.’ He glanced at me again and left the table.
‘What did he say?’ Dex asked, trying to hide his irritation at not knowing. But I couldn’t be bothered placating him.
‘He said it was such an advantage to know another language. That a person could take the skill anywhere once they had it.’ I stared into space.
The waiter was right. Languages could go anywhere.
For the life of me, I couldn’t say what movie Dex and I saw. I can’t remember watching any of it – I was too busy trying to stay afloat in my flooded mind. Dex didn’t seem to notice. Or perhaps he did and didn’t know what was wrong. Either way,
he drove me home afterwards and I did my best to keep up with the small talk. By the time he pulled up in front of my house it was starting to get dark and I felt guilty that I hadn’t given him the kind of day, or attention, he’d obviously envisaged.
He walked beside me, unusually silent, to the front door.
When I stopped and turned to him, he tilted his head. ‘Are you okay, Sabine?’
I nodded. ‘I’m fine. I just think I’m still a little tired after the party on Friday night and … I don’t know, nervous about graduation and finishing school.’
He exhaled. ‘Yeah. Change can be daunting. But there’s no point holding onto things just because it’s scary to take the leap and move on. Once people do, I figure they rarely look back. You just have to know when the time is right.’
The thing was, I totally agreed with what Dex was saying. I just didn’t know what that meant for me – or my lives.
I leaned in towards him and he responded, closing the distance and giving me a kiss. It lasted to second number eight before I morphed it into a hug.
‘On the other hand,’ Dex said cheekily, ‘sometimes it’s important to hold onto the good things. And you’re my good thing, Sabine. I’m never going to let you go. I’m looking forward to moving on … to
our
future. There are some things I’ll be more than happy for us
both
to say goodbye to.’
I was glad we were hugging so he couldn’t see me cringe. I knew he was talking about our ever-nearing graduation
night; that this was his way of telling me he hadn’t done ‘it’ before. I’d generally figured that out for myself. We’d been together for two years and Dex wasn’t the type to cheat. He’d been understanding and patient and I wanted to give him all of me, but thoughts of us fumbling through our first time flashed into my mind and I felt my brow furrow. Then, out of nowhere, the image in my mind changed – the
person
in the image changed – surprising me.
I pushed the thought aside.
That
was not what I wanted. I don’t know how Ethan had wormed his way into my head, but he wasn’t going to stay there. He was
not
part of my plan – of any plan. Now, more than ever, I had to stay the course.
And that meant I had to finish the tests. There was no other option.
I pulled back from the embrace and looked into Dex’s eyes. ‘Me too,’ I said, because it was time to start saying goodbye to some things.
And that’s when I decided that graduation night and being with Dex was exactly the right time to start the rest of my life. Because if the final test went the way I was starting to believe it would, then the day after in Roxbury … everything was going to change.
Mom was setting the table for dinner. Just two places which was a relief. I didn’t think I was up to seeing Ryan or Lucas tonight.
Mom was a great cook, but she preferred desserts. So we snacked on grilled cheese sandwiches followed by one of her famous peach tarts. Baking was one of the only things that really soothed Mom, so I always made sure I ate every last crumb and told her how delicious it was. If I could manage it, I’d even back up for seconds just to see the twinkle in her eye.
‘So you and Dex are spending a lot of time together lately,’ Mom hinted.
I shovelled a large spoonful of tart into my mouth and nodded.
She rolled her eyes. ‘Fine, fine, you don’t have to tell me about your boyfriend. I just want you to know that I think he’s a lovely boy. The two of you are a good match.’ She lifted her glass to salute her approval.
I shovelled another spoon into my already full mouth and nodded between chews.
Mom smiled. ‘Okay, I get the picture. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I’m very …’ She straightened in her seat. Mom never did these conversations well. You know, the ones with ‘feelings’. She cleared her throat. ‘I’m glad you’ll be going to Harvard. I would have missed you if you’d gone to a college far away.’ And with that she stood and cleared the plates.
‘Love you too, Mom,’ I mumbled through a mouthful of tart as she walked to the kitchen.
Before I had a chance to swallow, my cell phone rang.
‘Hello,’ I said, my voice barely audible.
‘Sabine? Hello? Are you alive?’
Miriam.
‘Maybe she’s with Dex,’ Lucy snickered.
‘Or under him,’ Miriam added.
It was time for our Sunday night conference call.
I rolled my eyes and swallowed as much tart as I could manage. ‘Peach tart, you tarts!’
They both laughed.
‘Well, did he or did he not take you to some fancy restaurant in the city today and then to the back row at the movies?’ Miriam demanded.
I sighed, thinking of the not-so-successful date.
‘So …’ Lucy prodded, her voice sounding a little breathless. I could just imagine her sitting on her bed, bouncing up and down eagerly.
I considered telling them that it hadn’t gone so well. But that would only get back to Dex one way or another, so instead I did what I did best.
I lied.
‘It was great. Dex pulled out all the stops and took me to
Le Bon Gout
for lunch. You guys know how much I’ve wanted to go to that place. Best of all, even though I was still a bit tired from the party, Dex was just a honey. He talked about Harvard, about our future …’
‘About graduation night,’ Lucy chimed in.
I laughed. ‘He might’ve mentioned it. All in all, it was pretty perfect.’
‘Well, that’s Dex for you, he
is
the perfect guy,’ Lucy said.
‘So true,’ I agreed.
In theory.
‘Aw, you two are so made for each other,’ Miriam said, boarding the we-all-love-Dex express. ‘You know that of everyone, you two are pitted as the ones who’ll make it. I can just see it now – Mr and Mrs Dex Holdsworth.’
‘Ah,’ I stammered. ‘One step at a time.’
‘That’s right, Miriam, at least give them a chance to have a proper test drive first,’ Lucy teased. I didn’t respond to that. I didn’t need to – they were too busy laughing.
I really didn’t want to be having this conversation, but I kept my tone light and willing, and Lucy and Miriam maintained most of the banter. Eventually I fell into old habits and found myself giggling along with them – gossiping about potential scandals and what everyone else would be doing after school. If nothing else, my friends had given me back
me
– the Wellesley me – for a time at least. An hour later, exhausted from laughter and allegations, we hung up.