Between the Lives (17 page)

‘Stay here,’ I whispered to Capri. ‘I’ll be back in a minute. If anyone comes in, make a run for it.’

She nodded. Capri was a pro at these things. She wouldn’t hesitate to split if needs be.

I crept down the stairs and into the kitchen, avoiding the creak-spots in the flooring. The house seemed so foreign to me now. It was weird – such a short time away to feel like I didn’t belong here anymore. Had I ever? I bit my lip and squashed the smouldering thought.

It took me a while, but after carefully looking through a few drawers I eventually hit the jackpot when I spied Dad’s coat hanging over one of the kitchen chairs. I grabbed the keys to the store, palming them to stop the jingle, and headed back to my bedroom.

Running into Maddie had not been part of the plan. But as I passed her room, her bedroom door swung open and she looked
up at me, half asleep. ‘Binie, you’re home. I missed you so much.’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘Can you take me to the bathroom?’

My insides melted just seeing her, and before I knew what I was doing I’d picked her up to hug her tight and was carrying her to the bathroom. On the way back, she rested her head on my shoulder. ‘Are you going away, Binie?’ she asked.

I took her into her room and gently placed her on the bed. ‘What makes you say that, kiddo?’

She shrugged sleepily. ‘I had a dream that you had to go somewhere else. You were so sad. You didn’t want to say goodbye to me, but you had to.’

Oh god. Was this happening? ‘Hey, you know how much I love you. It doesn’t matter what happens, I’ll always be with you, even if … even if I can’t really be here. Do you know what I mean?’

‘I think so.’ She yawned.

I brushed the hair off her face and she snuggled into her blankets. ‘Life is precious, Maddie. Always remember that.’ The irony of choosing Ethan’s sentiment in that moment wasn’t lost on me. I hated him a little for that.

‘You’re not the same as everyone else, Binie. I love you always. Do you still have my rabbits?’

I bit back my tears and nodded. ‘Of course I have your rabbits.’ I pointed to my cast. ‘They will always be with me, just like you. I love you too, Mads. Don’t tell anyone you saw me, okay?’

She nodded, already falling back to sleep. She’d probably think it was all a dream in the morning. Maybe it was for the best. I kissed her on her forehead.

Capri had waited for me, even though she’d heard Maddie moving around. She wasn’t happy about being kept in the dark, but still drove me to my next destination and waited outside while I let myself into Mom and Dad’s store and collected the items I needed. It would be a terrible cocktail – one that had no chance of failing. Given Macie had launched a random room search on me today, I figured I’d have just enough time to keep the drugs hidden before …

Capri drove me back to my house. I snuck in alone, returned the keys and wrote a quick note, which I slipped under my mattress. They would find it one day. When we pulled into the clinic parking lot, Capri didn’t hold back, demanding some answers.

‘It’s complicated,’ I said, which didn’t seem to help. But I’d given it some thought since we’d talked on the phone and decided it wouldn’t help her to know everything – she’d only feel worse at the end, or try to stop me. The best thing I could do for Capri was to let her stay ignorant.

‘Look.’ I sighed, knowing I needed to give her something. ‘Mom and Dad found out I was seeing that guy and thought he was a bad influence. Dad just flipped.’ I leaned back into the
headrest, convincingly spinning my web. ‘He used his medical contacts and fed them this whole story about me being insane to get me locked up in here, just to keep me away from him.’ Capri’s mouth was hanging open and I knew she was buying it. ‘The worst thing is …’ I swallowed, my emotions turning uncomfortably real, ‘… they were right about him, but since I’ve refused to speak to the doctor, they’re making me stay. The whole thing is screwed up. I … I’m considering getting out of Boston, you know, making a new start somewhere else.’ I bit my lip. So many lies.

‘Where would you go?’ Capri asked, shocked. ‘You can’t leave me!’

I stared down at my hands. ‘If it meant getting away from all this craziness and being able to start again, you’d forgive me, wouldn’t you?’ It was terrible. A terrible, awful thing I was doing to her – but in my own way, I had to do something that might help her understand.

‘I guess,’ she conceded, though she still looked unhappy.

I reached over and gave her a tight hug. ‘I promise I won’t do anything unless I’m sure it’s my only choice. If I do go, just remember it’s because I was absolutely sure it was the right thing for me, okay?’

She nodded. ‘I’ll just miss you. I don’t have any other girlfriends.’

I wiped away a tear. ‘Me too. You’re a great friend, Capri. Whatever happens, you know I love you.’

There. My best goodbye.

She was teary herself even as she shrugged off my words and pushed me out of the van. ‘Whatever you just lifted from your parents’ store, I’m sure it’ll fetch a fierce profit in there.’

I smiled, knowing that when all was said and done she would remember this conversation and hopefully realise I was telling her that everything was for the best. I hoped she’d be okay.

‘Be happy, promise?’ It was something we used to say to each other when we were bullied at school by the cool kids.

‘Promise,’ Capri said.

Sunday in Wellesley gave me a chance to spend a lazy morning with Mom by the pool. Around midday Dex called to say he was on his way over to hang out, and no amount of fake smiles could get rid of the churning in my gut. I tried to rope in Miriam and Lucy, suggesting a spur-of-the-moment pool party, but they were no help. Miriam seemed to be in a permanent hip-lock with Brett these days, and Lucy was in a pre-graduation spiral.

I was so desperate I actually rang Ryan, wondering if it was his weekend to visit Mom. He just laughed and said no, teasing me that now school had finished I was staring straight into a friendless existence. His planned visit was still three weeks away and he wouldn’t be home before then. When I
heard someone call out to him in the background, he hung up without even saying goodbye. Bastard.

When Dex arrived, daisies in hand, I blushed and put them in a vase before moving into action mode – keeping us as busy as possible, offering to get the graduation programs printed for Lucy and collect the dry-cleaning for Mom. Basically anything that left us little time for what Dex had in mind. For once, he didn’t seem to care. I guess he figured our night together wasn’t far away.

And he was right.

If you didn’t count my other life, G Day was tomorrow.

O
n Monday night Ethan was back, quietly opening my door, checking to see if I was awake.

I was sitting in the armchair. My days of trying to sleep through the Shift were over; the cycle was so out of whack there was no point trying to change things now. Not when I didn’t plan on juggling it for much longer.

When I saw him, I put down my notebook and the pen I’d finally been entrusted with. The pen privilege was no small feat on my part. Lately Levi’s efforts had doubled; he insisted I start talking openly, and that if he couldn’t be sure we were making progress certain privileges would be revoked. Bottom line, to avoid going back to peeing with an audience I’d spent an hour talking to him about absolute crap, making sure to focus on my ‘feelings’ and avoid explaining much about my two worlds. It was obvious Levi thought I’d fabricated my Wellesley life to give me some sense of control I
was supposedly lacking in my Roxbury world. He even hinted that I made elements of Wellesley challenging just so I could reward myself by overcoming them. It took a lot of effort not to scream at him.

After the session, I’d spent the afternoon writing letters to Maddie. I’d given it a lot of thought since seeing her and decided I didn’t want her to be exposed to things she shouldn’t be; didn’t want her to think I’d condone something that in other circumstances would be terrible.

The ironic thing was – I really didn’t condone it.

I still had trouble admitting to myself that what I was considering, what I was now
planning
, was technically … suicide.

But how could I go on this way?

I honestly didn’t believe I could survive if I had to go on living two lives. They may have me in a mental clinic for the wrong reasons, but if I didn’t make this change – give myself the chance to live a normal life – I might end up in a place like this in
both
of my lives. I couldn’t risk that.

I’d written one letter to be given to Maddie straight after I was gone, and others that I wanted to have set aside for her birthdays until she was eighteen. It was the best I could do to try to help her understand that I was okay, how much I loved her and how much I valued life. I hoped they’d get to her.

‘Hi,’ Ethan said, his voice raspy. He looked exhausted.

‘Hey.’ I glanced at him briefly.

‘I’m sorry I wasn’t in the last couple of days.’

I shrugged, trying to hide how much his absence had affected me. ‘Everyone deserves a day off now and then.’

He bit his lip, but didn’t say anything else. Instead, since I was sitting in the chair, he perched on the edge of the bed.

I stared at my cast. The bouncing bunnies were starting to fade.

Finally, since it was clear I wasn’t going to, he spoke. ‘Levi is talking about putting you on some meds.’

I grimaced. He’d said as much, but I’d hoped that all my talking in our last session might have changed his mind. I guess I hadn’t been that convincing.

‘I don’t care what he does.’

Ethan shook his head at me. ‘You think you have it so bad. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you’re lucky? Maybe you have a chance to do something amazing with your lives? You could … I don’t know, you could change the world, maybe more than just this one. You could make a difference. Do you know how incredible that is? Have you ever considered that you could use your knowledge in one world to benefit the other? Have you ever even investigated?’

‘You want me to make a difference? Be important?’

‘Yes!’

I looked up at him. ‘Do you know what I want, Ethan?’

He spoke quietly. ‘What, Sabine? What do you want?’

His eyes bored into me and my heart clenched. I hated the
involuntary reaction I had to him. Especially now – knowing I meant nothing to him. I ignored the feelings welling up inside and held his gaze.

‘I want to be able to breathe. I want to know I’m with people who care about me – about
all
of me. And I want to be free to care about them too. To be able to tell them everything about me, not lie and pretend all the time. I want to know that if I drift off to sleep by accident one day, I’ll wake up in the same place. I want to live each day once, the best that I can live it. Who are you to deny me that? I told you I don’t want to die, Ethan, I
want
to live. Is that so wrong?’

‘But how do you know you’re choosing the right life?’ he pleaded. ‘What if you’re giving up something you don’t even have yet, a future in this world that would give you more happiness than you could have ever imagined?’

‘It’s a risk I have to be willing to take. There are a lot of “what ifs” in life. I can’t live my lives hedging my bets. Trust me, that’s no life.’

‘But that’s exactly my point, Sabine. It’s like that saying: life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. You keep thinking one life will be better, but how can you give up half of who you are and think it will make you happier? And while we’re on the subject of “what ifs” –
what if
you’re wrong? You can’t be sure that if you die in one world, you’ll go on living in the other. What if you lose both worlds? What if you die?’

I rubbed my bare arms. ‘I did the tests, everything backs up the theory.’ I glanced nervously at the clock and then stood, pacing a couple of times. ‘Not long till the Shift. Do you have anything for me tonight?’

He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. ‘Why do you care about convincing me if you’re just going to do it anyway?’

It was a complicated question, with an even more complicated answer. I stalled by reading the list. ‘
Uskon sinua
.
Don’t suppose you want to give me a heads-up on what language that is?’

‘It’s Finnish,’ he answered, surprising me with the clue. ‘You haven’t answered my question.’

I folded the list and shrugged vaguely.

He didn’t let it drop. ‘I think it’s because you aren’t sure at all. I think there’s a part of you that wishes you could find a way to have both lives and make them work together.’

I started to get onto the bed, wanting my second-last Shift to be as smooth as possible. Ethan shuffled down the end, giving me room.

‘And I think you think too much,’ I mumbled.

At 11.45, I could feel the panic building, the blood draining from my face. Ethan’s words played on my mind, eroding my confidence. I needed to get him away from me. I didn’t want to be vulnerable tonight.

‘You want to know why? I just want to convince you so
you’ll agree to give Maddie the letters I’ve written for her, since I know my parents won’t.’

I heard his gulp. I expected him to take the comment as the slap it was intended to be and storm out of the room, leaving me to Shift pathetically on my own.

The silence was broken when he finally started to move, the bedsprings squeaking. To my surprise, instead of getting off the bed, he lay down behind me and put his arm around me, steadying my trembling body.

‘I can see right through you, Sabine,’ he murmured in my ear, pulling me closer, his wintergreen fragrance enveloping me. My shivers remained, but the reason for them changed entirely.

No one had ever come this close to knowing me. If anyone could see through the layers, down to the real version of myself that even I didn’t know, it was Ethan.

‘I’m here. I won’t let go. As long as I’m here, I promise you, I won’t let go.’

My heart raced at both his words and his nearness, my body’s reaction conflicting with my still-angry and confused mind.

‘Ethan? What’s going on?’ I whispered.

He sighed and I felt his warm breath move around my exposed neck, as if it were claiming me. ‘There are things I want to tell you, things you
need
to know. But not yet. Please, Sabine, try to trust me when I say you need to make your
decision thinking only of yourself. It didn’t come out right the other night. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.’

‘It was pretty clear.’

‘Then why am I here?’

I had absolutely no idea.

‘Just think about it. Keep thinking about this decision you’re making. Keep thinking about all the conversations we’ve had, all the things you’ve told me – how extraordinary your life is. In this world, Sabine. Don’t just think about how much better everything would be if you only had your other world, think about what you would miss if you didn’t have
this
world.’

‘Why Ethan? Why is it so important to you?’ ‘You said you wanted someone to know you. Maybe I just want to have someone know me too. Without you in this world, the memories of every moment we’ve shared together will be gone. We only exist because others see us. Part of my existence …’ he swallowed, ‘… an important part, only exists because you are here to see it.’

What he said was … beautiful. Earth-shatteringly, profoundly beautiful. And frightening. Totally and utterly terrifying.

I found myself half laughing to stop from crying. ‘You know everyone thinks I’m crazy. They think Wellesley is my imaginary world. I was thinking about it today, thinking that maybe they were right – maybe I am insane. But the thing is, who says it’s my Wellesley world that isn’t real? Maybe it’s this life that doesn’t exist.’

‘Is that your way of telling me I’m just a figment of your imagination?’

‘Maybe.’

‘That’s impossible, Sabine.’ His arm tightened around me. ‘If I were a creation of your mind, you’d never have made me this way, believe me.’ I opened my mouth to question him, but before I could speak he went on. ‘And anyway, some things are so real you can feel them to your core. It doesn’t matter where you go, they go with you. Anywhere.’

I didn’t know what to believe anymore. I was so tired of it all. Literally exhausted and bone weary. And Ethan was turning out to be a complication I seemed to understand less and less every day.

‘It’s your graduation day in your other world, isn’t it?’

The lump in my throat stopped me from answering, but I managed a small nod.

‘Don’t …’ He paused. ‘Don’t forget to bring me my words,’ he murmured, reminding me that I still needed to gather his proof.

The Shift was coming. My stomach sank and I rolled over to face him, not bothering to hide my tears. For a moment I thought he was going to say something else, but he was quiet. ‘You may as well just say you still don’t believe me.’

His hand clasped the side of my face, tilting it back, his fingers biting into the back of my neck. ‘That’s not what I’m saying. I just want you to get the translation.’

His eyes softened and I couldn’t seem to tear my own away. We stayed locked like that, his hand on my face, and before I knew what I was doing my own arms went out, wrapping around him. If only this once, I needed to hold him.

I barely managed to whisper, ‘Ethan, it’s almost midnight. What is it you couldn’t tell me?’

He shook his head. ‘I refuse to believe you’ve made your final decision, and you need to do that first. I don’t want this to influence it.’ He took a deep breath. ‘And I wish I wasn’t so selfish, I do … but Sabine?’

I shot a look at the clock. So did he. One minute till midnight.

‘What?’

‘Don’t.’

‘Don’t what?’

‘Don’t do it tonight … with Dex. Don’t. Come back to me, Sabine. God forgive me, but … I love you.’ His hand slipped all the way around my neck and he pulled me to him, his lips going to mine hungrily as he gripped me so tight I could feel his arms trembling. He kissed me in a way I’d never imagined possible.
I
kissed
him
in a way I’d never thought possible.

How had I never known a kiss could shatter everything?

I matched his need with my own until I thought I might explode with the sheer intensity of my desire.

Instead, lost in the moment, I Shifted.