Authors: Jessica Shirvington
I
rolled right off the bed, searching for Ethan’s arms, before realising he wasn’t here. And I wasn’t
there
. My hard thud on the floor helped punctuate the point.
I flopped onto my back and lay there, staring at the dark ceiling, trying to remember how to breathe, how to exist. But how could I? Life as I knew it had changed in every way. I didn’t know if simply breathing the way I always had would be enough; I didn’t know if anything operated on the same playing field anymore. I mean, Ethan had said … and then he had … and I had … and it was … and now …
What?
Reality came crashing down in the form of one more quick thought.
Was it possible?
Was Ethan playing me still?
Treating me for some illness he thought I had?
I didn’t want to believe it, but despite what he’d said, insinuated, done – he still hadn’t told me the one thing he knew would change everything, the thing I needed and wanted to hear more than anything else in the world.
‘I love you’ are admittedly the words most girls want – but what did they really say? I want to spend time with you, I want to get close to you, I care about you. But the weight of those words still didn’t give me what I needed from him. Nothing about what he’d said told me that he, Ethan,
believed
me.
Time was ticking.
He knew it as well as I did. He’d made his thoughts clear on the matter. He thought I was wrong and was making a mistake. Was this his way of forcing my hand? And, if so, would I let him walk me down that road?
I stared at the ceiling, wishing that I understood what was happening to me. Wishing I could go back and see his eyes on me after that kiss. I think I would have known then.
But I couldn’t, and it was graduation day.
And I still couldn’t forget his words.
Not me.
Tears started to slip from my eyes. Ever since I’d met Ethan, my worlds had been spiralling out of control. Maybe he was the problem – the part that didn’t fit. Maybe getting away from him was the key.
I wiped away the tears and forced myself to stop crying. Today was not the day for puffy eyes. But of course sleep was
out of the question, so I slipped downstairs, microwaved a pot of wax, sliced up a cucumber and carried it all back to my room. After a thorough leg waxing, I placed the cucumbers on my eyes and did everything I possibly could, including singing my school anthem, to stop thinking about Ethan.
I had a plan. A good plan. He didn’t know what my lives had been like. He didn’t know what it was like when I was seven and woke up after wetting the bed, going into a fit of terrified shock at what my father would say when he discovered the mess. What it was like to feel that kind of intense childish fear only to be pulled from it and thrust into another reality for the next twenty-four hours, knowing all the time that you would be thrown back into that same state of terror at the end. He didn’t know what it was like to be constantly thinking about what I was saying, double-checking I wasn’t giving anything away, living in fear that eventually someone would catch me out, call me insane. And he didn’t know what it was like to never truly belong – to have two lives that were so taxing they left you with no idea of who you really were. The truth was, I was no one at all. You can’t explain that to someone.
When the sun came up, Mom wasted no time floating into my room, cradling a divine emerald-green, knee-length wrap dress.
‘I saved this one for last,’ she said, holding it out to me proudly. ‘I ordered it online ages ago and when it arrived I knew it would look stunning!’ Mom had a slight online-
shopping addiction. So far, it had been working out pretty well for me.
I smiled brightly, admiring the dress.
‘You look different, you know,’ Mom said.
I looked up at her self-consciously. ‘What do you mean?’
She gave me her proud mom smile. ‘Grown up, ready to take on the world. I don’t know really. It’s almost as if you’ve just woken up with it this morning. You look … beautiful.’ She swept a hand down my hair and I threw myself at her, hugging her tight.
‘Love you, Mom.’
‘I love you too, Sabine. Are you okay?’
‘Yeah, just … all this growing up stuff is hard sometimes.’
Mom sighed. ‘This wouldn’t have anything to do with Dex and tonight, would it?’
I gulped. ‘No. I … Mom, can we not talk about that?’
She laughed lightly. ‘We don’t have to talk about it. You’re a sensible girl. I trust you’ll be responsible in your judgment. If things feel right for you, then they probably are. But if they don’t, I know you’ll listen to that too.’ She pushed me gently away from her, staring at me proudly. ‘Get dressed. Remember, you promised to help Lucy set up. We’ll see you there, in the front row. Your father, Lucas and Lyndal will be there too.’ She eyed the dress. ‘I can’t wait to see how it looks.’ She headed out, but I stayed where I was. I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist.
Sure enough, she paused at the door. ‘Ah, honey. Hair up with that one I think.’
At least some things would always remain the same.
The day flew. When I arrived at the hall, Lucy was already in full meltdown mode. After calming her down we ran around for the next few hours, setting out chairs, placing programs, and arranging the lecterns, photo area and the tea and coffee stand. By the time we actually lifted our heads from the work, the seats were all filled and the ceremony was about to start.
I couldn’t have been happier. Distraction was the best medicine for me.
We received our graduation scrolls, and endured the long, drawn-out headmaster’s speech and valedictorian speeches – there were two this year, double fun. But it was incredibly satisfying. I’d waited so long for this day, and since I was going to miss it in my other life, I soaked up every moment, laughing with friends, getting my graduation handshake, throwing my hat. Miriam received a special mention for her history results, I received a special mention for my achievements in French, and Dex got a mention for his remarkable sporting performances.
I could hear Mom clapping loudly and gave her and Dad a wave. Dad looked great in a charcoal suit. He was sporting a new haircut, working the salt-and-pepper look for all it was worth. He probably had a new love interest. But he was there,
applauding me along with Mom, Lucas and Lyndal – who was wearing a shocking shade of purple. Mom kept sending her horrified looks. I was willing to bet Lyndal had done it just for the kick she got out of irritating Mom.
After the ceremony, everyone hung around drinking coffee and tea and taking photos. Dex’s parents insisted on having me in their family shots, which should have made me beam, but instead made me feel queasy. All too quickly the day was over and everyone started heading off to prepare for the dinner.
‘We’re so proud of you, darling,’ Dad said, walking me to the front of the school grounds where Miriam was waiting. Miriam, Lucy and I had long planned to get ready for the evening together.
‘Thanks, Dad.’
‘I can’t believe my youngest child has finished school,’ he said, shaking his head proudly.
‘Yeah. You are getting pretty old,’ I quipped.
He looked to the sky as if having a private word with God and smiled.
‘Your mom and I will see you at the party. We are still invited, aren’t we?’
‘Yes, but remember –’
‘Just for two drinks,’ he cut me off. ‘After which we have to leave.’
I nodded, satisfied it wouldn’t be my parents who would linger annoyingly. Including them in the cocktail portion of
the night was a nice gesture and all, but some parents could prove hard to move on.
I spotted Dex as I slipped into Miriam’s car. He was heading out with Noah – probably to go hang out at Brett’s before the evening. He winked and threw me a look that suggested he couldn’t wait for the night ahead. There was a time I would’ve killed for that look. Instead, my fingers went to my lips and my thoughts travelled to another world. To another person altogether.
‘Come on!’ Miriam yelled. ‘We only have, like, two hours to get ready and get to the Pavilion!’
She was right. I closed the car door. ‘Let’s go.’
‘I’ve got first shower,’ Lucy snapped.
‘Three bathrooms, brainiac!’ Miriam replied.
‘Oh, yeah.’ Lucy laughed. But then her eyes narrowed. ‘I’ve got first go of the hair straightener.’
Silence. Then both Miriam and I erupted. ‘No way!’
The bantering and laughing didn’t stop until we were dressed and ready.
Lucy wore a shimmering golden gown with tiny spaghetti straps. It looked amazing against her olive skin and perfectly styled dark-brown curls. She kept her make-up simple and looked all the better for it, applying her trademark strawberry lip-gloss at the very end.
Miriam had gone with a cherry red colour and the dress floated effortlessly around her perfect figure, highlighting
everything it should. Her hair fell loose and wavy around her shoulders and she wore a thick gold retro necklace low around her neck. On anyone else it might’ve looked weird, but Miriam owned the look.
Beside them, staring into the full-length mirror, I was wearing the black dress I’d coveted since first laying eyes on it. It was simple but elegant. Slimline all the way to the ground with a small kick in the fabric at the base. The top of the dress cut a straight line across my chest, and the straps draping my shoulders were made of intricate lace that was also featured in the corset. I had my hair down and styled around my face, thanks to Miriam, and black strappy shoes to finish the look.
‘We look perfect,’ Miriam said, clapping her hands.
Lucy and I couldn’t help our small nods.
‘Tonight is going to be amazing,’ Lucy agreed. ‘And just think, come tomorrow, everything will be different.’
Lucy didn’t realise just how right she was. ‘Sabine, what is it with you? You’ve been doing that all day,’ Miriam said, starting to laugh.
I looked into the mirror again and saw I had my fingers pressed to my lips. ‘Oh, nothing. I … I …’
‘Am just thinking about Dex?’ Lucy offered.
I nodded even as I swallowed hard.
‘Brett says that Dex is totally making all these plans for you guys in the future. He said he wouldn’t be surprised if he asked you to move in with him soon,’ Miriam said.
‘Oh. We’ll see,’ I said in a daze, my fingers unconsciously going back to my lips. Because the thing was, despite my efforts, despite keeping myself busy all day … I hadn’t been able to get Ethan out of my mind.
‘You two are so cute,’ Lucy continued. ‘You know, love like yours only comes around once in a lifetime, if that.’
I bit my lip. What if … What if a love like the one I
wanted
only came around once in any of my lifetimes? What if …?
Shit.
‘Girls! The boys and cars are here!’ Miriam’s mom called out. And suddenly I was rescued from my thoughts and caught up in the buzz of the night – the photos, cars, guys turning up, and our all-important entrance to the Pavilion. Any time I had a second to myself, someone interrupted it, expecting me to smile. And I did. Wanting to be who I was supposed to be in this world. And I was.
Mom and Dad performed perfectly, playing the happily divorced couple, leaving not first but in the first third of departing parents. I would thank them tomorrow. Dex’s parents were not so compliant and it took him a while to finally load them into a car and get them out of there, which gave me a little breathing space to get my head right.
By the time we settled into each other’s arms on the dance floor, I was confident that this was the right thing. I was doing the right thing. Ethan was … It didn’t matter. Dex was my
constant. He cared about me and wanted a future with me. That’s what I needed to concentrate on.
‘Can you believe school is over?’ he said, as we danced.
‘No. It’s surreal. But good surreal. I’m looking forward to starting college.’
He nodded, pulling me closer to him. ‘I’m looking forward to being able to spend the next couple of months alone, with you.’
The lump in my throat wouldn’t go away. So I smiled and hugged him so he wouldn’t see my face.
‘Are you ready to get out of here?’ he asked.
This was it.
I could be sure about this – about my place in this world. I couldn’t base my choices on someone else, just because I couldn’t stop thinking about what it was like to be wrapped in his arms. No. I was the master of maintenance. I couldn’t have changed so much in such a short space of time.
My Wellesley life was a great life. I couldn’t live in a reality based only on, ‘What if?’
I slid my hand down and took hold of his. ‘Absolutely.’
D
ex drove, since he didn’t drink, and I gave him directions to the hotel I’d arranged in the city. We only got lost twice, which for me was pretty good.
When we pulled into the Liberty Hotel, his face was pure delight. ‘Nice. I’ve always wanted to check out this place. You know it used to be an old prison before they turned it into a hotel,’ he said, pulling into the valet area.
I hadn’t known that. And now that I did, it really wasn’t helping my state of mind.
We walked to the front desk hand-in-hand. While we checked in, I couldn’t stop my mind spinning with all the things Ethan had said to me. Was it all trickery?
Out of nowhere, I gasped.
Dex regarded me quizzically and I forced a smile. He went
back to talking to the hotel receptionist, who was speaking with a strong and lilting foreign accent.
My mind-spiral continued. Ethan had said he
loved
me. Even by simply admitting that, he had risked everything. He was supposed to be part of the medical staff. He was
supposed
to be counselling me,
not
loving me. Surely there was no method of therapy that would condone or encourage that. But there
was
something off – I was sure of it. Ethan was keeping something big from me, and it made me doubt everything more than I already did.
Dex carried on his conversation with the receptionist while still holding my hand. Eventually he squeezed it, drawing my attention. ‘Oh wow, that’s great. Hey Sabine, Annika here has upgraded our room to a king suite.’
Hooray.
The fair-haired woman bobbed her head. ‘
Kylla
.’ She nodded again. ‘I mean, yes,’ she corrected.
Kylla?
Where had I heard that before? What language was that?
‘Babe, do you want to wait here? I’ve just got to get our stuff from the car,’ Dex said.
I nodded, still looking at the receptionist. ‘Um, what language was that?’ I blurted as soon as Dex had left.
She smiled politely. ‘I’m Finnish.’
Finnish. Oh my god. The words. I’d completely forgotten.
Shit.
‘I … I … Could you translate something for me?’ My hands were now flat on the desk as I leaned towards her anxiously. What were they? I couldn’t remember the stupid words!
Shit.
‘Of course.’ She smiled. ‘What is it?’
Shit, shit, shit.
Think. Think, Sabine. What were they?
‘Um … um …
Ukso
, no
uskon
!
Uskon
is the first word and there’s one more. Argh, I can’t remember, something like
sins
, or …’ I fisted my hand.
The receptionist smiled. ‘
Uskon sinua?
’ she suggested. ‘Yes! That’s it. What does it mean?’ I was close to bursting. I saw Dex approaching the glass doors with our bags. I turned back to the woman urgently. ‘Please!’
She started to laugh at me. ‘It means – I believe you.’
Dex had me by the hand. We were walking down a hallway. Stopping at a door. How did we get there?
Had I lost time?
I couldn’t think of anything but
uskon sinua, uskon sinua, uskon sinua, uskon sinua.
Ethan.
Believed.
Me.
Crazy, locked up, self-harming, Digoxin swallowing, mood disorder, two lives
me
.
We were inside a room. Crisp white linen, flowers, fruit bowl. Views over the city lights.
Ethan believed me.
A glass of Champagne was suddenly in my hand. I was sipping it and must have looked confused.
‘I brought it with me,’ Dex said, standing right in front of me. ‘I wanted tonight to be perfect.’ He was holding a glass too, a sip’s worth in the bottom.
How could tonight get any more perfect?
Ethan believed me.
‘This is amazing, you should check out the bathroom. There’s a spa,’ he said, coming back from his inspection of the room and sliding his arm around my waist.
My hand holding the Champagne flute was shaking. What was going on? Why couldn’t I get a grip?
I swallowed nervously and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down.
Dex ran his hands down my back, settling them low.
Too low
,
a voice buried deep inside me screamed. I downed my glass of Champagne and held still.
‘I’ve been waiting so long to see you, Sabine. Please tell me I can take that dress off?’
Shit.
I grappled for some kind of sanity. I had to regain control of the life Ethan had just detonated with the three most explosive words ever. He’d done the one thing he’d always tried to convince me could happen. He’d made my worlds cross over. And now … I was here, he was there and everything had changed.
Forever.
Dex, however, wasn’t waiting for permission and had already begun to unzip my dress, moving me towards the massive bed. I was on my back before I knew it and his hands … were everywhere.
I had to clear my mind. Find words. I should have been thinking only of Dex, but I couldn’t. It didn’t matter what I thought I should do, something in my mind – no, in my heart – wasn’t going to let me.
‘Dex,’ I said nervously.
‘Hmm,’ he replied, not stopping.
‘Dex, I … I can’t.’
He just moaned.
Shit.
‘Dex, stop,’ I said, lifting the volume.
He pulled his head up from my neck and looked at me, confused.
‘What?’
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but I … I just can’t.’
His eyes narrowed, but he recovered quickly. ‘Sabine, we’ve been planning this for ages. I’ve never put pressure on you, because I knew we would get here eventually, but …’
I spoke quickly. ‘I know, Dex. You’re amazing and kind and good and I’m so lucky to have been your girlfriend, but you deserve more than I can give you. You deserve someone who will make you really happy –’
He cut me off, sitting up. ‘Oh, whoa! Wait! This isn’t just about tonight, is it? You’re breaking up with me?’
I scrambled to sit up against the headboard. ‘Dex … I’m so sorry,’ I whimpered.
He jumped off the bed, glaring at me. ‘You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?’ he yelled, jabbing his finger at me.
I didn’t respond. I honestly didn’t know what the right answer to that question was.
He scoffed, ‘Oh, you bitch! You’ve been stringing me along. Teasing me!’
I shook my head urgently. ‘No, it’s not like that at all. I thought … I really wanted this to work with us. I swear. It’s complicated.’
Dex ran his hands through his hair desperately. ‘Fuck.’ And then, frenzied, he grabbed his bag and the bottle of Champagne and stormed out of the room.
Once the trembling settled down I checked the time.
11.30 p.m.
I hoped Dex was okay. I considered going after him, but figured he wouldn’t want to see me for a while – if ever. But as awful as I felt, now that it was done I was sure it was the right decision. Dex
did
deserve to be with someone who could make him happy. And perhaps … perhaps I deserved to be with someone who was right for me too.
For the first time in my life, I couldn’t wait to Shift. And the irony was, it was Roxbury I wanted so desperately to get back to. I pulled myself together and decided on a course of action, picking up the hotel phone and calling the most unlikely of people.
‘Hello?’ Ryan was laughing and I could barely hear him over the noise in the background. His dorm was obviously having another party.
‘Ryan, it’s me.’
I heard the groan. ‘What do you want?’
‘I, um, I’m not far from you and I was wondering if you might be able to come and get me. I … I haven’t had a great night.’
Maybe brothers just know what that means, maybe they have this inbuilt radar that goes off when their sisters are stranded in hotel rooms, I don’t know, but Ryan’s tone changed instantly. ‘Where are you? Are you okay?’
‘Yeah.’ I gave him the hotel details.
‘Is Dex with you?’
‘He was, but … he’s left now.’
I let him draw his own conclusions as to what that meant. He was quick to respond. ‘I’m on my way.’
‘Thanks, but … can you give me a few minutes? Maybe come just after midnight, like quarter past or something.’ I wanted to give myself enough time to Shift in private.
‘Okay,’ he said cautiously. ‘What room?’
I looked at the door Dex had left open when he charged out. The numbers were displayed in gold. ‘Room 816.’
After we hung up I walked out to the balcony. I wanted a few quiet moments to finally consider my feelings for Ethan.
Who was I kidding? It only took about three seconds to come to the obvious conclusion. I was totally in love with him. The simple fact that I knew he was kissing me, at this very moment, in my other world and the knowledge did
not
freak me out was evidence enough. But on top of that, he knew me.
I opened my arms to the night sky and flung my head back to the world of possibilities – the world of ‘what ifs’. To the knowledge that in a few minutes I would Shift right into the arms of the man I loved.
I don’t know when I started twirling with giddiness. But I do know the moment I stopped …
And saw Dex standing in the open doorway, staring right at me.
I walked into the room as he stumbled closer.
He was drunk.
‘Dex …’ I started, wondering how to explain. But his look stopped me in my tracks.
I don’t know if it was the alcohol, or the fact he’d seen me smiling that did it. I don’t know if he’d come back with this particular plan, or a different one altogether. All I know is that as soon as he took that last stumbling step towards me, he lost it.
The first punch to my face sent me straight to my hands and knees.
I screamed. But I was quickly silenced by a sharp kick to my stomach which catapulted me onto my back like I was no more than a rag doll. He dropped on top of me, straddling me as he hit me again.
I was defenceless under his weight. I couldn’t focus. Couldn’t work out what to do. I looked into his eyes between hits. This was not the Dex I knew. He was drunk and completely out of control.
After the fourth heavy hit to my face, an unwavering certainty came over me: Dex was not going to stop. My feeble attempts to cry for help were smothered by his fists.
My head swung to the side with the impact of a closed-fist punch that made it feel like it might explode. Blood poured into my eyes from a cut on my forehead. I spotted the digital clock on the bedside table.
Oh please, please, please.
11.59 p.m.
Dex’s hand went back again, relentless in his intentions. I closed my eyes, waiting for the impact, and … Shifted.