Becoming (4 page)

4

Gaia sat at the end of a long table in the large hall of the refectory. The community were having a breakfast of porridge and toast with tea and/or coffee. This was the offering most mornings, though occasionally they would have eggs in various forms. Bacon was a rare treat, and marked a special occasion. Today was any other day, at least for the community.

The hall was full and bustling with activity. It was always this way with over four hundred people to get through in two sittings. Gaia was in the first sitting, the early birds without the worms. They had a brief window to arrive and finish. Anyone who was outside their slot would do without, and go hungry till lunch.

Gaia looked at her bowl, and played with her porridge. Her appetite had abandoned her. Her head was heavy with the haze of lost sleep. There was the meeting with Kali after breakfast. Her stomach spat bile and burned at the thought of their impending discussion. Aran sat a couple of tables away, his back to her. Gaia had noticed him enter, collect his food and make his way to the table. Her heart had jumped when he entered. Part of her had hoped that he would come and sit next to her, or at least near. She was hoping they might be able to share some words between casual morning chat. Yet the lucid part of her brain, the piece not swimming in the stupour of her mental hangover knew it was foolish. Instead Aran took his seat without acknowledgment, or eye contact, making a point of staring at the floor in front, a fixed gaze unbroken. He seemed determined to avoid any connection with Gaia, any recognition, wary of arousing any suspicion.

Part of Gaia felt bitter. The situation Aran had put her in, the choice he had asked her to make. This made things impossible for them. If Gaia agreed to go she would have the opportunity to escape, but the chances of success were slim. She forced the porridge down, followed by the cold, soggy toast and stewed tea. Eating was monitored, waste was not tolerated. At worst it would alert them to unusual behaviour, a change in the regular pattern. This might lead to unwanted attention and a discussion with the leaders to find the issue. This was something Gaia wanted to avoid at all costs. Kali gave her enough attention without adding further reasons, and now there was Hakan to think of. He was also in the hall, sitting at the top table with the leaders. He was laughing and joking with a couple of the others. Gaia had looked across a couple of times. On one occasion he caught her eye, grinning and looking away, returning to his breakfast banter unphased by any of the events of the night. Hakan was aware he had another victim in his snare, lined up, waiting. This victim was different. He had something on her, a bargaining chip, more power than usual. This victim was vulnerable and weak. He was not ready for her yet. He would keep her waiting, worrying over what might happen, and when. Power was Hakan’s weapon. Power and its abuse. It was the basis of all human interactions. He betrayed the power entrusted him, a betrayal of his role and responsibilities, of all that he stood for, and was meant to be. Hakan had power over those he was supposed to protect, but it was never absolute. Sometimes victims were clever enough to disarm the power. Sometimes the victims were not prepared to sit back and allow it. Sometimes they would act. In this case the potential victim had other ideas. Gaia would not be taken at any cost.

Gaia moved to the table where the dishes were left. As she approached Aran moved towards the table. She tried to remain calm and act as normal. One by one, she placed each item in the designated bowls. Aran approached and stood near, not speaking, but placing a napkin by her hand on the table. He put his things away, flicked her hand, and moved towards the door. Gaia reached down and picked up the napkin, slipping it into her pocket, while looking around at the table of leaders. They were all engrossed in one of Hakan’s tales, his stories of fantasy, told in such a way to make him believable. Hakan the raconteur, the entertainer, weaving webs, the cover for his evil. No-one was looking. No-one had spotted Aran’s subtle act. The rest of the community were all either deep in conversation or staring at the walls, wrestling with the last traces of tiredness. They sat, ate, drifted. They were the indifferent, and the lost.

Gaia left the refectory and returned to the dorm. It was a good moment to look at the napkin. Some of her roommates were in the dorm, busy getting ready. The morning gathering was soon, and the allocation of tasks for the day. Gaia would attend, but meet Kali before embarking on her task. She needed to see what was on the napkin first. Read it, then dispose of it. The longer she had it, the more likely it would be found. At least that was the rationale to cloak her curiosity.

The rain rattled as it peppered the roof, a dreary backdrop to the chatter of the girls. After a bright, sunny start the clouds had swept in bringing a cloak of grey, wet, misery. The outdoor tasks would be all the tougher for most, but not Gaia. She did not mind the rain. It was comforting and reassuring. The rain was a screen, a bubble wrapped around her, protecting. Warm rain made her feel comforted, cold, biting rain alive, with its sharp, stinging prods of the skin. Often she would focus her mind on each of the drops as they stung her face. Her cold, tingling face, so cold that every ounce of pain would be amplified. Pain was there to be controlled, to be conquered. Gaia would soak the pain, absorb it, but she would not suffer. It was not allowed.

The sodden walk back to the dorm had done Gaia good. She had cast off the heavy haze of her restless night and was now feeling more alert. She was nervous about meeting Kali, curious too, but her spirits had lifted a little. The napkin had given her a boost. It was contact with Aran, however small. At least he had not abandoned her, and been too disheartened by her concerns. Gaia was keen to inspect the napkin further, to see what secrets it held.

Gaia sat on the bed, removed her boots and lay on the blanket, turning her back to most of the rest of the girls mingling around the dorm. She reached into her pocket and removed the napkin. In itself it would not arouse any suspicion, but she needed to be careful. She lay the napkin on the blanket by her chest, leaving her hand upon it, hoping to at least partially conceal it. There was the writing, small and faint. Gaia moved the napkin along the blanket closer to the top of her chest, seeking the right position to suit her eyes. Discretion was important. One of the spies might be watching and report any strange behaviour to one of the leaders. You could never be too careful. Trust no-one, and suspect everything. That was the key to survival in the community. It was nestled in the right position, just enough to read without the letters being too blurred. There were six words. All that was needed.

We must go soon. Be careful.

Soon.
It was vague, but the implication was clear. Something had changed. Something had alarmed Aran. Giving the note to Gaia was dangerous. It was in a crowded room with the leaders present, and there was always the potential someone would see. They may have been seen. One of the spies may have noticed and could be ready to tell the leaders now. Aran said they had a couple of weeks, but not now. If Gaia was to go the decision had to be made. However, her concerns still remained. There were holes in the plan, aspects that needed a lot more thought. Then there were the others. Who were they? Gaia still had doubts about Aran, in two minds. It paid to be this way about everyone. Adding more people to the mix was worrying. The two week timescale had been a concern, but this change was alarming. For now she would have to put her concerns on hold and prepare for the gathering and her meeting. Thoughts of escape could wait till later. Gaia ripped a piece from the napkin, tore it into tiny bits and ate them. She repeated it until all the writing was gone, placing the remains in her back pocket. In rainy weather it would be easy to dispense with in the mud or drains outside.
 

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The gathering was as always. They sat in the dome in their allotted places and listened to a leader speak. There was a reading and a few minutes of meditation. This was meant to focus the mind, cleanse it of all thoughts, seek a higher, purer mental state. The training required you to expel all thoughts, to let go. Gaia found it impossible that morning. There was too much jostling in her head. She went through the motions, but her mind was filled with thoughts of Aran, Kali, and Hakan, of the escape, the meeting, the threat.

They were put into teams and allocated their tasks for the day. Three teams were to go on hunting missions to seek and destroy rats. Others were to build walls and barriers at key areas of the encampment. A couple of groups were sent on beach fishing expeditions, with rods and nets rather than boats, casting from the beach beyond the castle. When the tide was right and the weather favourable this could yield plenty of fresh bounty. Other teams were given physical training tasks - running, weights, boxing, hand to hand combat, and the use of light weaponry such as spears, daggers, hammers, and axes. Some of the teams were classroom-based and would continue their training in theoretical knowledge - maths, engineering, and construction. The tasks were varied and allocated across teams on each days. The intention was to give everyone a strong grounding in essential skills to make the step to the next phase. Everyone was monitored and assessed by the leaders. Some were allocated certain types of tasks more than others and it was clear that they were being steered into particular areas. Teams were never the same though. The leaders liked to keep them guessing and mix things up. Gaia was not allocated a team or task that morning. This was on account of her meeting with Kali. Perhaps Kali would allocate this following the meeting, or maybe she had something else in mind.

When the teams had gone Gaia was instructed to make her way to one of the breakout zones where Kali would be waiting for her. The breakout zones were similar to the large dome but on a much smaller scale. There were cushions, but these were random not numbered. They were spread around a central pole with a small raised wooden platform in the centre with a single cushion for the leader, to sit over and address.

Gaia entered and saw Kali sitting on the leader’s cushion. She was in a meditative position, legs crossed, arms either side, with wrists resting against her knees, and finger and thumb touching to form a loop. Her back looked stiff and straight, head pointing forward, eyes closed, with no expression on her face. The tent was silent but for the gentle rustling of wind through flaps in the roof and sides. Gaia approached, her footsteps were gentle and measured, placed with quiet precision. As she neared the central platform Kali spoke without opening her eyes or breaking position.

‘Sit thirty seven.’

Gaia sat on the cushion nearest the platform, in front of Kali, waiting while Kali continued in silence. Kali was a woman of great natural beauty, something neither age nor the weight of her position had weathered. She had long, brown hair which was always tied up. Her face was long and slim, her features angular and sculptured, and her lips were narrow, almost without colour. Kali had one feature that marked her out from everyone on the island. Her right hand had a small extra finger protruding from the side by the little finger. It was of no use, but it was distinctive, odd. Gaia had never seen this in anyone else, or heard of it. Kali never spoke of it, and no-one dared ask, but made no attempt to conceal it. As with Gaia, Kali was someone of few words, choosing the words needed, no more. Kali was precise and clinical in both her commands and singular and boundless capacity for cruelty. 

Gaia waited and after minutes that seemed much longer Kali opened her eyes. She remained in the same position, staring forward at nothing. Kali stood, twisted her neck, stretched her arms out wide and out front. She reached down and touched her toes a few times, placed her hands on her hips, and rotated her body from side to side. Her head switched between each side as she moved. Stopping her warm down, Kali moved forward to the edge of the platform in front of where Gaia sat, towering over her. The platform, her height, and Gaia’s seated position all conspired to create a huge gulf between them.

‘Thank you for coming thirty seven. I’ll keep this brief. Do you know why you are here?’

‘No Leader.’

Sweat trickled down Gaia’s brow. Kali had a commanding presence. All felt weak before her. Kali waited and spoke, her voice booming overhead.

‘We’ve some concerns about your behaviour. Things have been noticed by us, other activities have been brought to our attention. I needn’t go into detail or spell them out. You’ll be well aware of what I mean. I just wanted to let you know that you are being watched, very closely. We expect to see an improvement. I personally expect it, or there will be consequences. Do you understand?’

‘Yes Leader, though I’m not sure what you refer to. Could you give some specific instances.’

Kali’s blue eyes lit up, her nostrils flared, and face twisted as the muscles around her lips tensed. Scowling she spat a reply.

‘You know full well. I needn’t and won’t give examples.’

Gaia looked back at her. Their eyes locked in a silent duel. Gaia knew she would lose, but she wanted to send a message, a momentary, futile message. Gaia understood, but would not take this lightly. She focused all her anger and disdain into her stare, hoping her feelings would transmit into the eyes of the enemy before her. Kali knew, and could sense the resistance from Gaia, the simmering resentment. It was always there with Gaia, but it was all for her own good. Someday Gaia would understand. This was not the cruelty she thought it was, it was a gateway to kindness, to understanding, to becoming. Structure was strength. Gaia needed to learn that, and one day would. Kali would make sure of it. The moment of deadlock passed. The message sent, received and cast aside. Kali moved onto the death of the girl the day before.

‘Now something else, the incident with two, six, four yesterday. It was unfortunate, but you did the right thing. She was weak, you were strong. If you’d gone to help her you’d have been killed and weakened the lines for us all. You recall the stag story? Together we are stronger. Always remember that. It is more important than you know.’

Kali waited for a response, but there was none. Gaia sat and looked up at her, this time trying to conceal her anger. Gaia wanted this over with. The leaders threats were cloaked in compliments, but it did not fool Gaia. There was no point in responding, or fighting back. The revenge would come soon, in another way. Kali would feel the full extent of Gaia’s fury someday, paying the highest price for the way she treated all the young. They would all pay. Kali had trained Gaia, given her precious skills, and these would be turned on her and the other leaders without mercy. Kali had created her own downfall, Gaia.

There was a noise at the back of the tent. They both turned to see Freya standing by the entrance. It was not clear how long she had been there, whether she had heard the conversation, just some, or none at all. Gaia knew that Freya was one of Kali’s spies. She had always known this and these appearances confirmed it. Why was it always Freya? Gaia hated Freya, almost as much as she hated Kali. Freya was the golden girl in looks, skills and behaviour. Her hair was shoulder length and blonde, eyes the customary blue, but a doe-eyed giddy kind of blue. Her beauty was unrivalled within the community, with porcelain, translucent skin without fault or blemish. However, her smile was her greatest weapon. Her smile and her body. Both were perfect, and Freya could disarm any boy and many of the girls with either. Where she excelled in every way on the outside, she commanded a steely resolve on the inside. Like Gaia, Freya was a survivor, someone who knew how to succeed, but with no reservations about pursuing the most desirable route with a singular and ruthless focus.

There were lots of rumours about Freya, perhaps more than any other on the island. There were whispers of her liaisons with others, with boys, girls, and even leaders. Whatever was or was not true, Gaia knew Freya could not be trusted. Gaia would be extra careful around her now, would watch her, let her know of her suspicions. Gaia would not let this lie. Kali nodded her head in permission, and Freya spoke. Her voice was calm and controlled.

‘Apologies Leader, but the mission to seek the rats is about to leave. They are waiting for you before they set off.’

‘Thank you seventy three. We’re coming now. We’ve concluded here. Thirty seven follow  seventy three and join her group. You’ll be coming on the mission with us. Go and get kitted out and we’ll see you both by the main gate in five minutes.’

This was as Gaia had feared, her worst nightmare. Not only was she allocated the most dangerous task of the day, but she was going to have to put up with Freya in her team, and be led by Kali. Gaia and Freya had been in teams together before, more often than Gaia would have liked. Today of all days Gaia could not bear the thought of seeing Freya’s face. The last 24 hours had changed everything for Gaia, thrown things into turmoil. She needed to regroup, time to think. She was starting to feel the tiredness seeping back. Her morning bounce was fading, and later would be a struggle. A search and destroy mission was dangerous at the best of times, but she was not in the best mental shape. Gaia would need to perk up and be on her guard.