Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose (17 page)

Val and I strike a good balance in discipline. There’s no good cop/bad cop in our house. Both of us are disciplinarians, but we are also loving and gentle. If the kids disobey me when Val’s not home, I don’t wait for him to come home to discipline them. The same goes for Val. While I am slightly more lenient than he is, we are both on the same page. Since we operate in this way, the kids know they can’t manipulate us, although they don’t stop trying! We are a united front.

I Choose to Fight

As you can tell, I am a big proponent of being a proactive parent. I think it’s vitally important for us to teach and guide our children in all areas of life. However, I don’t always do the best job at this. Can you relate? It’s easy to slowly let things slide, and then eventually you realize you’ve totally failed your kids, without even realizing it. I wrote a blog post on my friend Ruth Schwennk’s website “The Better Mom” titled, “I Choose to Fight” (August 7, 2012). This was written at a time when I knew I had totally let my kids down.

I am failing my family. That sounds dramatic, and it is. There is no catch—no secondary line to soften it up and make light of it.

I am failing my children.

I’ve been doing what I thought was my best to raise my kids in a Christian home despite not being raised in one myself. My husband is a believer of eight years, but he is still trying to find himself as our spiritual leader. I try my best to be the example to them as a woman, wife, mother, and role model, effortlessly falling short in some way every day while letting life get the better of me and my self-control.

Here’s where I’ve ended up. I used to read my kids Bible stories every night. I used to make games out of memorizing Scripture. I used to test them on Bible facts over dinner, giving them prizes if they got the answers right. I used to dance around the house singing worship songs and inviting them to play along with me. I used to buy them a Bible study and devotional each year in hopes of them spending time with the Lord each morning on their own. I used to go over their questions and answers with them when they did. I used to pray individually with them each night before bed. And somehow, as my kids became preteens and teenagers, I’ve slacked.

Attitudes seem to be the norm at this age, but the disrespect and disobedience shouldn’t be . . . not if my kids know Christ. I don’t expect perfection and do expect mistakes, but what I don’t understand is the lack of humility and remorse. No, not by the way I’ve raised them, not by the things I’ve taught them for the last thirteen-plus years. Sure, there are always glimpses of goodness, but they seem to be getting farther and fewer as time goes on. Since when did my child become “that kid”?

My heart aches, my heart cries, my heart screams out, “Why? Where did I go wrong? Why isn’t this working out the way I thought it would? What’s the deal?”

The deal . . . is me.

When did I stop reading the Bible to my kids? When did I stop encouraging them along in their faith? When did I think their Christian school would be the influence? When did I let youth group become the teacher? When did I think that by letting them see me do my Bible study every day it would be enough and not have to do one with them? When did I stop getting involved because I hoped they would take the lead on their own?

There’s never been an easy time to raise children or teenagers. With each decade comes new challenges that grandparents didn’t experience with their kids. Times are always changing, but God’s Word doesn’t. New solutions will arise, but God’s Word always stays the same.

I must be a teacher in my home. I must help my children read the Word of God every day. How else will they know it? If they haven’t developed their own relationship with Christ at this point, it’s only going to get weaker as they get older. I mistook giving them independence for letting go of my responsibilities. The cycle stops here.

Praise be to God for showing me my failure. Praise be to God for giving me grace. Praise be to God for giving me the tools to raise godly children. It’s all in the Bible. We have to read it. We have to discuss it. We have to apply it. We have to live it . . .
daily
.

You learn a new habit by repeating it day after day. How will my kids know God if I’m not teaching them every single day? There are no excuses. There is not a big enough event. There isn’t too much homework. There isn’t an important enough hockey game. There isn’t too little time in the day. There aren’t too many meetings. If I don’t fulfill this calling, I’m not only failing my family, but I’m also failing my responsibilities before God.

Thank you to all my blogger friends for encouraging me with your posts. Thank you for helping me recognize my faults and pointing me in the direction I need to go. I’m thankful for this online community. I pray that you, too, will be encouraged to know you’re not alone. I pray that you’ll be nudged out of your comfort zone. Many of us well-intentioned moms stumble along the way. Just remember that all the compliments from others doesn’t mean there aren’t places to improve. It’s easy to hide behind the best parts of life we choose to show each other on Facebook. I pray that, like me, you, too, will be convicted to get off your seat and make no excuses to read the Bible to your kids
every day
.

Let’s hold each other accountable.

I share that with you to show that even those of us with the best intentions will fail at times. I also share it so you know you are not alone. If you ever feel like you should get the “Worst Mom of the Century” award, then sign the rest of us up with you. We’ve all been there and will likely be there again. We can’t be perfect all the time, but we can encourage each other and hold each other accountable for our actions (or inaction). And when we mess up, we need to ask God and our families for forgiveness, brush ourselves off, get back up, and try again. Parenting is forever, after all, so giving up is not an option.

At All Times

In Ephesians 6:4, the Bible says to “bring [children] up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (
hcsb
). And in Deuteronomy 6:6–7 we read, “These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (
hcsb
). This is my goal—to teach my kids God’s laws and biblical principles at all times so they will know how to live godly, balanced lives.

If you’re not sure what to teach your kids or what kinds of rules and boundaries to set for them, I encourage you to dig into God’s Word. I’ve found that I can’t go wrong when I look to the Bible for advice on any topic, including parenting. I said earlier that I believe boundaries are the foundation for balance, and you really can’t do any better than God’s boundaries—for yourself or for your kids. When I look at God’s laws, I try to see them in the same way I want my kids to see the rules I’ve set in place for them. He has rules for me because He loves me more than I can even imagine. All of those rules and commandments are for my good, not for my harm. Likewise, all of the rules and boundaries I set for my kids are for their good, because I love them more than life itself.

As a fifteen-year parenting veteran, I realize that though I’ve come a long way, I am far from having all the answers. I am constantly learning and readjusting my approach. But what I do know is that I can’t give up. I have to keep fighting for my kids. Let’s join together and determine to teach and guide our kids
at all times!

Chapter 15

Do Something

Then the righteous will answer Him, “Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You something to drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or without clothes and clothe You? . . .” And the King will answer them, “I assure you: Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me.”

—Matthew 25:37–38, 40 (hcsb)

I
magine this if you will: A nine-year-old American boy arrives on a Caribbean island with his family. Not long after they get there, he finds himself in the company of various other children he has never met. The little boy is soon kicking around a ball with the other kids, playing games with them, and basically just having a great time.

Did you imagine that little boy at a vacation resort with other middle- or upper-class travelers? If so, how about changing the background? Instead of a beachfront hotel, picture some one-room shacks with cracks between the boards and corrugated tin roofs. Rather than well-dressed, wealthy white children, imagine dark-skinned children who own nothing but the threadbare clothes on their backs.

Does that sound like a vacation to you? Maybe not, but that little nine-year-old boy loved every minute of it. Who is that boy? Well, he’s my son. How did he get there? You’ll find out if you keep reading!

You’ve probably noticed a theme throughout this book that many of the things I do in my life are a direct result of the way my parents raised me and the way they have lived their lives. That holds true in yet another part of my life—serving others. I have my mom to thank for the example of servanthood that she set before us as children and still sets today. When I was a kid, our home was like a revolving door. Mom was always inviting families to stay with us, whether they were hurting, sick, in need, or just because they needed a place to crash for a few nights. She always went above and beyond what was asked of her. She saw a need, and she filled it even when she had many other obligations.

During the
Full House
and
Growing Pains
days, we had weekly visits from terminally and chronically ill children through the Make-A-Wish and Starlight Foundations. I would always spend time with the kids by taking pictures and signing autographs and talking with them for a while. Since I was on set and working I usually didn’t do much more than that, but that doesn’t mean my mom didn’t! She would quickly become fast friends with the families and take them to Disneyland or invite them to spend an extended day on the set of one or both of the shows or have them over to our house for dinner. Mom also always made sure there was a special place and time set aside for families with sick children to meet me at autograph signings and appearances when I traveled the country.

With her endless love for children and a heart for those in Africa, my mom laid a strong foundation for serving, helping, community, and charity. I pray I am half that example to my children.

I learned to serve others through my parents’ example. The
reason
I serve, though, goes well beyond that. Jesus says that when we serve others—when we feed them, clothe them, visit them—we are really serving Him. And conversely, He also says that when we
don’t
do those things for the people who need them, we are not only ignoring them, but we’re also ignoring Him. I think that’s a pretty big deal, and I think it’s pretty obvious from those verses in Matthew 25 that God wants us to make serving others a priority.

Jesus also said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). I can tell you from experience that this is true. Though my reason for serving isn’t because it makes me feel good, that is often the result. There’s just something about helping others that gets me excited! I feel blessed to be able to donate money, but I feel just as good, if not better, when I’m investing in people’s lives by talking with them, cooking and serving a meal to them, cleaning, packing up needed items, or just playing games with them.

Hear my heart when I say that I’m not trying to sound like a saint with a long list of worthy accomplishments, because I am certainly far from it. But I would like to share some acts of service my family and I do in the hope that it will inspire you to also place a priority on serving others. Before I do, I want to remind you how I said in the opening of this book that I don’t believe balance is found by stripping down our priorities to the bare minimum, but rather by having well-balanced, careful priorities that reflect all the things God has created us to be and do. My story reflects that this is when balance is not only possible, but also most fulfilling!

Cultivating Hearts of Compassion

One of the charities I have supported for a long time and am passionate about is Compassion International. Through this organization, individuals and families can sponsor children around the world. A monthly donation goes toward food, shelter, schooling, and a host of other needs that the children might have. However, this program is not just about economic and physical needs. Compassion’s mission is to meet children’s spiritual and social needs as well. They are different from other aid organizations because instead of just relying on outsiders to go in and assess the needs of an area, they utilize the local church in these areas around the world. These churches are uniquely qualified to understand the real needs of the community and reach the children in poverty. They advocate for children, releasing them from spiritual, economic, social, and physical poverty, and enable them to become responsible, fulfilled Christian adults. To learn more about Compassion and sponsoring a child, visit www.compassion.com/candacecameronbure.

We first heard about Compassion through our church in Fort Lauderdale, which holds one of the largest percentages of sponsorships. Our family has been sponsoring three kids from Bangladesh for about nine years. Our sponsored children, Philimon, Sagorika, and Nikil, are the same ages as Natasha, Lev, and Maks. One of the great things about Compassion is that the sponsored kids can write to their sponsors, and we can write back. My hope was that my kids would become pen pals with our sponsored children, but unfortunately that still hasn’t happened. They write letters once a year when I make them (oh, the joys of motherhood!), but I’ve primarily been the one who has done all of the writing. (I also write to the two kids in Uganda we sponsor through another organization. It’s been a bit of a challenge keeping up!) Compassion also leads sponsor trips, where sponsors can actually go to the country where their children live and meet them. Putting real faces and places to the names on a piece of paper and photographs of children can make all the difference. Actually seeing the program work through the lives of real families opens up not only your eyes, but also your heart in ways that are unimaginable. My hope is to someday meet all of the children my family sponsors.