Bad Romeo Christmas: A Starcrossed Anthology (23 page)

To my surprise, she was really nice. And funny. And
got
me. She was the first girl to look at me like I hadn't just pissed in her cornflakes. Against all odds, we became friends, and then to everyone's surprise, including my own, best friends.

Six months after we met, I finally got that mega-dose of pubescent testosterone I'd been dreaming of since the first grade, and I shot up to being six feet tall within a year. Not only that, but my spaghetti limbs filled out to such an extent, it took me a long time to get used to seeing a well-built man in the mirror every day.

For a while I pretended I was Peter Parker, and the sudden changes were due to a radioactive spider bite, but like Spiderman I was still a geek on the inside.

So, now I have a dilemma.

On Elissa's advice, I've been working out to try and relieve the feelings of inadequacy I've gained from living in Hollywood. I mean, come on. The dude who unclogs the drains at my L.A. pad is a supermodel with a six-pack. Not to mention my girlfriend's latest co-star is a freakishly handsome fitness model who makes me feel like Elmer Fudd. How the hell am I supposed to keep the love of a woman as spectacular as Angel Bell with that kind of competition?

For the past four weeks while Angel has been overseas, I've busted my ass in the gym every day doing sit ups, push ups, bicep curls, and bench presses ... I've done it all. I've even cut back on junk food and started drinking water instead of beer. If I were to brag to my dad about my new routine, I know exactly what he'd say: "So, what? You want a medal? Or a chest to pin in on?"

Well, Pops. I have a chest now, so yeah. Give me a damn medal.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I barely recognize my body. I've never had muscles like this in my life, and to be honest, they're taking some getting used to. None of my shirts fit anymore, and even though I can get away with my T-shirts being snug, my button-ups won't even ... well ... button up.

I do a few flexes and pose. Yep. Definitely weird.

My phone starts up with Elissa's ring tone, and I drop my pose to grab it, embarrassed I was behaving like a meathead, even in the privacy of my own room.

"Hey, you."

"Hey,” she says. “Where are you?" I can hear chatter and the sound of glasses clinking in the background. "You realize this is a New Year's Eve party, right? That means you're supposed to get here before the new year."

"Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious. I'm still figuring out what to wear."

"What's to figure out? It's a costume party. You'll dress up as Captain Kirk, as usual."

I'm not embarrassed to admit that I paid three hundred dollars on EBay for an authentic Kirk uniform a few years ago, and it's become my go-to costume for any occasion. Even wore it to my cousin's Bar Mitzvah for shits and giggles. Aunt Bethany still isn't talking to me over that.

I'd like to say that I chose to hire an alternate costume for tonight because the other one's so tight now I look like a Star Trek strip-o-gram, but that's not it. It's because I've worked hard to look different, and goddammit, maybe just once in my life I want to feel what it's like to be the hero and not the geek. Angel deserves a leading man, not the comic relief. If I can pull this off, maybe I can stop being so goddamn insecure about the Adonises with which I seem to be surrounded.

"What did you and Quinn go as?" I ask.

"You'll see when you get here, which I hope is soon."

"Tell me it's not some nauseatingly hip couple's costumes."

She pauses. "Okay, I won't tell you that. But Josh, hurry uuuuup! Marco's asked me twice if you're coming, and I need my bestie hugs. I haven't seen you since Liam and I got back from the island. I miss you. Come drink with meeeee!"

I chuckle. I've been dying to see her, but my Gammy hasn't been well, so I moved out of Liam's pad and back to Mom and Dad's to help take care of her. Plus, Lissa and Liam have had their hands full dodging the media frenzy from their naked picture debacle. God, it's like most Americans have never seen naked bodies before. I don't see what all the fuss is about.

Ironically, when I said that to the girl who was filling Gammy's prescription at the drug store, she quipped that if I didn't understand it, I hadn't seen the size of Liam Quinn's man member. After judging her for using the term man member, I joked that the whole thing had been photoshopped, and I knew for a fact that Quinn was packing an acorn in his pants.

I've never seen someone look so disappointed in my life. I felt so bad, I tried to tell her I was joking, but the words wouldn't come out. I think it's an ingrained male response to pay out on other guys' dick size. Who am I to argue with nature?

"Josh? Helloooo?"

"Sorry. Just thinking about your boyfriend's dick."

"Me, too. Bestie mind meld!"

"Yeah, but most of the time when I ask what's on your mind you say Liam's dick, so I don't think it's much of an achievement."

"Yes, but knowing you're thinking about it too makes me feel special. Now, get your ass over here! There are a whole bunch of shots with our names on them. God knows I don't want you anywhere near sober when the countdown hits and you start lamenting about your woman being on the other side of the world."

"Way ahead of you. Had two beers with dinner. Mom did not approve."

"That's because you burp like a frat boy when you drink beer."

"I've told you before, Lissa, the bubbles have to go somewhere. Better out the top than out the bottom."

There's a knock on my door, and my Gammy calls out, "Joshua? Are you still there? Don't forget to show me your costume before you go."

I put my hand over the phone. "I'll be out in a sec." I go back to Elissa. "K, better go before she barges in on me in my underwear. Again. See you in twenty minutes."

"K. See you then."

I hang up and throw my phone on the bed.

All right, Kane. No more bullshit. No one's going to tease you tonight. Get your ass into that costume and go on your way.

I head into the bathroom and open the small plastic case on the sink. My eye doctor convinced me to try contacts last time I got new glasses, but I seriously couldn't be bothered poking myself in the eyeballs every day, so I've barely worn them. Tonight, however, I need to be spec free.

I take a deep breath and take off my glasses. It feels weird leaving them behind. They've become such an integral part of my identity, my face feels naked without them.

"Okay. Here we go."

I fight with the floppy plastic bastards for a good ten minutes before I successfully get them both in, and by then my eyes are streaming. I grab some toilet paper and dab my face. "Fuck me. Bet Clark Kent never had to go through this bullshit."

When I'm done, I check myself out.

Man, it's weird being able to see clearly without having anything on my face. Combine my lack of glasses with my slicked-back hairstyle and my new body, and I barely look like myself.

I take a deep breath.

Well, I guess that's the point, isn't it? Let's do this.

···

Five minutes later I stand in front of Gammy feeling weird and awesome all at once.

"Oh, Joshua," she says with reverence. "You look wonderful. So handsome."

"Thanks, Gammy."

"I thought you'd wear the other one I always see you in. Space Trek, or something."

"Star Trek. I thought I'd make a change tonight. Try something different."

"It's lovely. But you seemed more comfortable in the other one."

She's not wrong. This thing is so tight, it's like wearing full body Spanx. My internal organs are screaming.

"Yeah, well ..." I say, "I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone for a change."

She smiles and beckons me forward to where she's sitting on the couch. When I bend down, she kisses me on the cheek and holds my face. "Darling boy, I'm not sure why you want to change, but I thought you were perfect before all the workouts and protein shakes. And I'm certain your lovely lady did, too, so if this is for her, you may have wasted your time."

"I can't just be doing it to be healthy?"

"Of course. But is that why you're wearing that costume?" She gives me one of those looks that makes it feel like she's staring into my soul.

Busted.

"I gotta go, Gammy. Do you need anything? A drink? A pillow?
Grand Theft Auto
on the Xbox?"

She pats my hand. "I'm fine, bubbeleh. You go have a good night."

"I will." I kiss her on the cheek and slip on my overcoat. Can't risk being heckled on the subway.

"Oh, Joshua?" I turn to her. "Just remember that what you wear isn't who you are. It's what's on the inside that counts."

I smile at her. Trust Gammy to use my identity crisis as a teaching opportunity.

I give her one last kiss. "See you in the new year, Gammy. I love you."

"I love you, too, my sweet boy." She gives me a knowing smile before I head down the hall and out the door.

The Gang's All Here

"Are you at the party yet?"

Angel sounds so close, I feel like I could reach through the phone and touch her.

If only.

"Just arrived, but I'm hanging outside so we can talk. To be honest, I'm not in a partying mood without you."

She still has another week of filming in Australia, and dammit, I never thought being apart from someone would be this tough. Sure, I missed Elissa when we were studying on opposite sides of the country, but it was nothing like this. Missing Angel is like having a slow-motion heart attack. My chest hurts like hell, and hearing her voice only makes me miss her more. Considering this is my first relationship that's lasted longer than me showering after sex, I have no idea if this is normal or not.

One thing I do know is that our separation is my own stupid fault, because I wanted to come back and help Elissa with the benefit concert. Even though I could tell Angel wasn't thrilled about me leaving, she supported me one-hundred percent. But what she didn't know is that I was also running from how it felt to watch her fall in love with another man every day on the film set, even if it was just an act.

I've never considered myself a jealous person, but watching Angel make out with someone else? I now have a deep, empathetic understanding of how it felt for Dr. Jekyll to transform into Mr. Hyde. Julian is an okay dude, and when it's just the two of us talking about comics or video games, I'm fine. But the second I see him talking to Angel, or worse, touching or kissing her ... Yeah. Veins bulge, muscles tense, and I want to leave fun, affable Josh at the door so needlessly violent Josh can come out and play.

I know my reaction stems from my feelings of inadequacy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong in thinking a guy like me doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hades of keeping a woman like Angel.

To her credit, Angel does a good job of making it seem like we could work, and despite my doubts, I really want to believe her.

"God, Josh, I miss you so much. Did you know it's been next year in Australia for ages now?"

"Yeah? Did you have a good time last night? Party with the cast and crew?" And of course, by cast and crew I mean hunka-beefcake leading man, Julian Dickface Norman. Let's not forget about that stupidly likeable asshole who's probably gearing up to replace me in her affections.

"It was nice," she says, stifling a yawn. "The producers put on a fancy spread at a venue right on Sydney Harbor. The fireworks were incredible. Julian said they were the best he's ever seen."

"I'll bet." I can just imagine him being all wide-eyed and enthusiastic. What a prick. "So, kiss anyone interesting at midnight?" I'm trying to sound casual, even though I'm gripping my phone so tightly, the plastic case creaks.

Angel laughs. "To be honest, I kissed a lot of people. There was a whole line of them. Men, women, waiters, dwarves, stilt walkers, a couple of Japanese tourists who wandered in by mistake. After the first dozen, I stopped counting. But don't worry, sweetie, there was strictly no tongue. I'm saving that for you."

I lean back against the wall and breathe. "You're trying to make my head explode with jealousy, aren't you?"

"Is it working?"

I let out a weak laugh. Normally, I enjoy her teasing, but right now I'm incapable of thinking about her kissing people without conjuring up an image of her and Julian. I've watched them go at it on set enough to know what their lip-locks look like. Julian kisses her like he never wants to stop, and even though I understand how the sweet heaven of Angel's mouth is responsible for that, he still has no right to feel that way about my woman.

"So what are you doing today?" I ask. "Taking it easy, I hope." If she tells me she's seeing Julian, there's no way I'm not losing my shit. I mean, how would she feel if I spent all my free time with a likable, attractive woman?

My phone vibrates, and when I check the screen, there's a text from Lissa. "HURRY UP, BITCH! Get your ass here NOW."

Okay, so, a likable, attractive woman other than Elissa.

"Actually," she says, "I have a cool day planned. The director's brother is taking me out for a cruise around the harbor on his yacht.

Okay, director's brother. Probably an old dude. Nothing to worry about. "That sounds sweet. Is it just going to be the two of you?"

"No, there are a few of us going."

A blood vessel behind my left eye starts to throb. "Oh, yeah? Like who?"

"Oh, you know," she says with a laugh. "The usual suspects."

I turn around and press my forehead into the wall. I know she doesn't mean to torture me, but being vague isn't fucking helping. "Right, so Megan, Kasey, Mark ... Julian?"

My heart sinks when she says, "Yeah, I think so." But then she says, "Oh, wait, not Julian. He had a press thing to do."

I'm not sure, but I'm pretty certain I hear a whole fuckton of angels singing, "Hallelujah."

"Aw, shame. Oh, well, you guys will have a great time anyway, right?"

"I doubt it." She lets out a dramatic sigh. "I'll spend most of my time alone, pining for a man who should be whispering sweet nothings to my clitoris but instead is selfishly elsewhere."