"Mmmm, " she responded softly. "I suppose it does. But then, it seems like quite a stretch to me that you blame yourself for that car accident. We play nasty head games with ourselves when we're grieving. " She passed a hand over her eyes, then let her arm settle limply on the pillow again. "There were extenuating circumstances. My mom had been really sick. Daddy was exhausted from all the extra workload at home, and he
88 CATHERINE ANDERSON
wasn't paying close enough attention in the woods. A log rolled and crushed him. I couldn't help but think that it might not have happened if I'd only done more of the chores to lighten his load. " She stared off at nothing for a moment. When she looked back at him, her eyes gleamed with curiosity. "So... that's the story of how you came to be bumming the rails?"
"Pretty much. After they died, I despised the ranch and everything it represented. One morning, when I couldn't bear being there with all the memories any longer, I left my brother a note on the kitchen table and just walked out. "
"And you never went back?" "Nope. I've never even called home to tell my mom I'm okay. Bad of me, I know. I tried a few times, but I always hung up before anyone answered. I just couldn't face hearing her voice, or listening to her plead with me to come back. I severed all ties the morning I left. I suppose it makes me sound weak, admitting that 1 ran away and tried to drown my sorrow in a bottle, but that's what I did. I haven't been sober since. " "You're sober now, " she reminded him. Rafe gazed down at the baby. After a long moment, he slipped a finger under the infant's loosely curled fingers, the pad of his thumb tracing the pointy little knuckles. "Yeah, I'm sober now. Since meeting you and Jaimie, I've had a reason to be. You want to hear something strange? I never thought I could bring myself to touch another baby, let alone let myself care about one. But the instant I held him, I started to feel—I don't know—
protective, I guess. He sure is a cute little tyke. " He looked up and saw that her eyes were sparkling with unshed tears. The corners of her mouth quivered slightly as she said, "Thank you for helping us, Mr.
Kendrick. Until now, I didn't realize just how painful this must be for you. " She hugged the sheet to her chest with one arm as she swiped at her cheeks. "We'll be on
BABY LOVE 89
our way in the morning. No more unpleasant reminders. "
"Unpleasant reminders?" He smiled and shook his head. "I've had a couple of rough moments. I admit that, but overall, tying up with the two of you has been a godsend. "
"A godsend?" she echoed incredulously.
"Hell, yes. " He stroked his clean-shaven jaw. "For the first time in months, I'm not drunk on my ass. And you know why? Because I couldn't take care of Jaimie in that condition. Do you have any idea how long it's been since anyone needed me?" He cupped a hand over the baby's dark head. "If anyone should say thank you, honey, it's me. I just wish—"
He broke off and fell silent. Watching him, Maggie guessed what he'd left unsaid, that he wished this time with them didn't have to end. Her heart caught at the look of naked yearning on his face as he gazed down at her son. Even worse, she could understand it. He'd lost his own children, and there'd been a void in his life ever since. Now, in a twinkling, that void had been filled, and deep inside, where reason held no sway, he couldn't help but wish that Jaimie were his child. That he need never go back to his lonely existence of riding the rails, his life a one-way ticket to nowhere.
Oh, yes, she understood. But as sorry as she felt for him, it scared the sand out of her as well. The last thing she needed right now were complications with another man.
All the more reason for her to make fast tracks in the morning, she told herself. The quicker she and Jaimie got away from him, the better it would be for all concerned.
When morning came, Maggie wasn't much stronger, and Rafe's determination to leave was a whole lot weaker. She was such a curious blend of indomitable spirit and vulnerability that he found her almost irresistible.
90
CATHERINE ANDERSON
Yawning awake, he twisted around in the puke-green vinyl chair where he'd spent the remainder of the night, trying to work the kinks out of his spine while he considered the sleeping cherub in the drawer next to his feet. The rumpled collar of his new shirt grazed his chin. It smelled faintly of baby burp. It was a leg up on soured whiskey, at any rate.
A man could bond pretty quickly with a baby when he cared for it all night. It was also difficult to keep his emotional distance from a young woman who loved her child so selflessly. Each time Rafe had taken Jaimie to Maggie during the night, she'd put him to her breast without complaint. Rafe knew that every tug of the baby's mouth had to hurt like the very devil. But she had endured the pain in stoic silence, the tears gliding down her cheeks the only indication she gave that she was hurting, and she'd done her best to hide those.
Watching the gentleness and love in her expression as she took Jaimie into her arms, he'd invariably felt a wave of fierce protectiveness, and crazy thoughts went spiraling through his mind. That maybe he should stay here and take care of her for a while.
She had dreamed again during the night, talking out in her sleep. Rafe had been able to make little sense of anything she said, but one thing had been absolutely clear. She was terrified of someone named Lonnie.
Was he the man who'd beaten her? If so, and the son of a bitch found her, she would need someone to defend her. He'd sure as hell get a nasty surprise if Rafe was still around. Any man who mistreated a woman like that deserved a good ass-kicking.
God, he was in over his head and sinking fast. These protective feelings he was developing for Maggie were crazy, just plain crazy. Only he couldn't seem to stop himself.
Where was his head, up his ass? As if he was in any position to take care of her. He'd vowed to love Susan until he no longer had breath left in his body, and he
BABY LOVE 91
couldn't possibly make room in his heart for someone new. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he did.
As he dialed the local restaurant to order takeout for breakfast, his hands shook so badly that he had trouble punching in the correct numbers. He needed a drink. His yearning from yesterday had become a burning, desperate need.
While walking to the restaurant to pick up the food he'd ordered, the winter morning sun, as sharp as a straight razor, lanced his eyes. Rafe tried deep breathing to relieve his need for alcohol. The bracing intakes of cold air only made his chest hurt. He nearly rectified the problem by stopping at the liquor shop.
Only thoughts of Jaimie forestalled him. He couldn't care for an infant if he was drunk. Instead he went to the department store again, where he bought Maggie a new blouse and warm parka, and Jaimie some sleepers, a few undershirts, and a little snowsuit. It was the least he could do, he assured himself. When he left them, he'd know they would be warm, anyway.
When Rafe returned to the motel room, he found Maggie dressed and sitting on the bed, struggling to put on her sneakers. With one glimpse of her pale face, he felt his legs go watery. He quickly closed the door to keep cold air from rushing inside and then deposited all his purchases, including the food, on the small round table near the window.
"Maggie, honey, what are you doing?"
Why he asked, he hadn't a clue. She was obviously preparing to leave. It scared the ever-loving hell out of Rafe to realize there wasn't one damned thing he could do to stop her. In that moment, he wished he did have that authority—that he could tell her to get her little butt back in bed, pronto.
"I have to leave today, " she told him in a thready voice. "I've got to get where I'm going, find a job, and send for Heidi. "
Rafe had the feeling Maggie was talking more to her-
92
CATHERINE ANDERSON
self than to him, as if by saying the words, she might force her body to obey the commands from her brain.
He couldn't bear to watch her struggle with her shoes. Even though letting her leave was the last thing he wanted, he found himself shedding his coat and hat, then hurrying over to help her. Her brown eyes shiny bright, she sighed and hugged her ribs, allowing him to work the sneaker onto her narrow foot and tie the laces.
"Thank you. " She eyed the white bag that contained the coffee and breakfast. The warm scents were hard to ignore, but he knew she'd rather starve than ask him for some of the food.
"Maggie, if you can't even get your shoes on, how can you work?"
"I have to, " she said simply. "Heidi's counting on me. "
"Heidi? Your little sister?"
"Yes. She's staying with a friend until I can send for her. I can't leave her there for very long. "
She loosened one arm from around herself to brace a hand on the bed. "Do you know what time the trains come through here?"
She would get on another boxcar over his dead body. Rafe bent to put on her other shoe. As he tied the strings, he made a vain attempt to remember all the reasons he shouldn't become any more involved with this girl. But somehow, the vague image of Susan's face did little to set his feelings back on course. Susan no longer needed him. Maggie did.
"You know, I've been thinking. " His voice sounded hoarse and thick even to him. He raised his gaze to meet hers. "What's to say that you and I can't stay together for a while?"
"What do you mean?"
That was a damned good question. What the hell was he thinking? "I don't mean—well, you know—that kind of together. Just as friends. Nothing permanent. For a while. Until you're strongef and can manage on your
BABY LOVE 93
own. Remember, I told you I hocked a ring? I've got some of the money left. We can hang out here at the motel for a while, and I can take care of you and Jaimie for a week or so. Until you're well. "
Her eyes reflected her incredulity. "Why? You've already helped us more than—" She shook her head and pushed to her feet, putting him at an eye level with her hips. "No. I don't think that'd be a good idea. "
She sounded almost frightened. He recalled the panic he'd heard in her voice when she learned he'd bought a hot plate.
Damn.
He didn't want to buy her. He just wanted to help her.
"Just look at yourself. How can you possibly work?" He caught the hem of the T-shirt to prevent her from moving away. "Hey, listen to me. We'll work out some kind of arrangement.
How's that sound? Some way for you to pay me back—or work off the debt. "
She flashed him a scathing look.
"Nothing like
that!"
he assured her.
"How then?" She sighed and rolled her eyes. "I'm fairly accomplished at only three things: bookkeeping, waiting tables, and cleaning house. As near as I can tell, you aren't exactly up to your eyebrows in daily receipts these days, you don't own a table, and if you did, you have no house to put it in. "
Rafe nearly set her straight on that, but he bit back the words. What he did or didn't own wasn't the point.
"I care about what happens to you and that baby. You need a friend, and I'm willing to be that for you. "
"No, " she said softly. "I appreciate the offer. Truly I do. But I already owe you too much. "
"Who's keeping a tally? I'm sure as hell not. "
She pulled from his grasp. Rafe couldn't be sure, but it looked to him as if she swayed slightly as she stepped away, and she seemed to be breathing a little rapidly. "You say that now. Been there, done that. "
He stood up. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"There aren't any free rides, " she said as she bent
94
CATHERINE ANDERSON
with painful slowness to collect her jacket and sweatshirt from the corner where he had tossed them.
"What are you hoping to get out of it? A temporary ready-made family to replace the one you lost?"
That stung, possibly because it struck so close to the truth.
She sighed and passed a tremulous hand over her eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. It's just that I'm already in so deep I'll never be able to repay you. By your own admission, you're growing attached to Jaimie. The longer you're around him, the more wrenching it will be for you when we leave. "
Rafe couldn't argue the point. He felt a little frantic when he thought of them going their separate ways.
He'd head straight for the liquor store, and within an hour, he'd be drunk.
"Nobody helps someone, expecting nothing, " she said. "Everyone eventually wants a payback of some kind. I learned that the hard way. "
Judging by her expression, she obviously had learned a bitter lesson from someone. "Are we talking about people in general, or men, more specifically?" He knew the answer to that question. It was written all over her face.
"I've worked in a truck stop for ten years. Need I say
more?"
She laid out the sweatshirt and jacket on the bed, preparing to wrap Jaimie in them before she left. Now probably wasn't the best time to tell her that the makeshift blanket was no longer necessary, but he couldn't see a way around it.
"You can use the blankets in the drawer, and I bought him a snowsuit. " He stepped over to open a sack.
"I picked up a parka for you as well. I need my coat, and you can't be running around out there in nothing but a T-shirt. "
She fixed wide, staring eyes on the winter outerwear.
BABY LOVE 95
The panic in that look was impossible to miss. "You shouldn't have. We're not your worry. "
Rafe knew he shouldn't get angry. It was just so frustrating. "Maybe I'm making you my worry. "
"Look, it was very thoughtful to buy us warm things. Truly, and I appreciate the gesture. But I wish you hadn't, and I'd like you to return them. "
Gazing at her, Rafe thought of his home, a place he hadn't been in quite some time, and all the advantages he could provide for her there. In that moment, he knew he couldn't let her walk out. If he did, he'd spend the rest of his life regretting it and wondering what had happened to her. It was as simple and as complicated as that.