Assholes Finish First (48 page)

These are all real emails she sent me outlining the results of her decision. This first email was a few weeks after she lost her virginity to me, the second was several months later, the third a few years later.

From: Sharon

To: [email protected]

Date: April 15, 2005

Subject: You were right

Hey Tucker—

I don’t know if you’re still on vacation or what, but when you get back do you want to do something? I promise it wont take me 2+ hours to get there this time… so when are you free?

Also, something funny (more so sad really…) happened and it was exactly like what you said. This past weekend I had sex with some guy at my school. He told me he’d had sex before, so I expected it to obviously not be as good as with you seeing as you’ve had a lot of experience… but still somewhat decent. Let’s just say, doing my laundry would have been more engaging; I think dirty socks might have turned me on more, and in the middle of one of the times we were fucking, I literally yawned.

And afterwards I thought of what you’d said about how high school boys just don’t know what the fuck they’re doing in anything, and started laughing because he’s the epitome of this. It’s not like I’m an expert either, but I don’t claim to be, and he does. The first thing he said after we fucked was “So… I know those rumors about you having an abortion from Tucker Max aren’t true and I know you’ve never been with Tucker… but in case something got screwed up from tonight you would get an abortion right?!” Exhibit A of retardness. And after we sat there for a few minutes he said, “So that was probably the best you’ve ever had, I’m assuming. You know, I almost wish you had fucked Tucker so you could tell him that I’m better than him in bed, haha.” And that was my cue to exit. Yes, he’s quite a retarded boy.

In conclusion high school boys suck. Let’s have sex again.

From: Sharon

To: [email protected]

Date: August 20, 2005

Subject: My life is ruined

Heyyy Tucker,

I don’t know if you even remember me, but we slept together (and yes, I even lost my virginity to you) a few times before the summer. Anyway, the reason I’m writing you is to tell you what happened to me, mainly because it is direct evidence of exactly what you claim on your website. I really can’t believe how true it is, honestly. I have firsthand evidence of how if you are female, associating with Tucker Max is the clearest path to a ruined life. (I’m not blaming you in any way, don’t worry, but just completely realizing why you tell people not to be involved with you. You are so aware and correct it’s amazing.) You’ll either find this sad, stupid, very funny, or some combination of the three. But I thought I should just tell you anyway how you ruined yet another girls life (completely my fault, as I said, but
still, you like completely altered my whole life, even if it was inadvertently). I’ll give you a summary of it all since the whole thing would be really long.

Basically, after the last time we slept together, I think it was May, I was late for my period and I’m usually really regular. This freaked me out because that last time, you were incredibly drunk and you woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex, which you didn’t remember the next morning and we realized you hadn’t used a condom, if you remember any of that. I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative, but 3 days later I still hadn’t gotten it, so I took another one… and it came out positive. So, this was not good at all, and being in high school and only 18 made being pregnant pretty much the worst thing ever. I didn’t want to call and tell you until I was sure or not. So I went to get information about some clinics to get tested at to know for sure. My friends were scared to death, and they thought I should tell my parents, but I wanted to wait to make sure if I was pregnant before I decided if I’d say anything to them or not.

The next day, my friends decided to take matters in their own hands and TOLD MY PARENTS because they are retarded and fucking crazy, and that caused obviously huge problems in our friendship but that’s not really so important for this story. Anyway, I don’t know if you remember, but you and I had conversations about how my parents would destroy me and everything I hold dear if they ever found out I had slept with you. Well, I was very correct in that statement. My friends went into a lot of detail because they were so worried (which I don’t think justifies what they did at all but whatever)—they told them I was sleeping with a 28 year old I met from the internet and was possibly pregnant with his child. And just as a bonus they told them that I’d also been partying a lot and getting sick from drinking too much. That’s pretty much something you never really want to hear as a parent.

Well I turned out to not be pregnant. But it almost made the situation worse because I had to deal with all the consequences anyway. My parents hate you very very much. I didn’t really feel bad about sleeping with you or anything, in fact I thought the sex was better than with high school guys and you can actually have good conversations so I wasn’t upset at all. So like a week later I went on your website, and my mom caught me on it and I’m pretty sure it was in that moment she realized I’m the worst daughter ever. She asked me why I was on your site. And I couldn’t really say anything other than “It’s just funny… ,” and this didn’t make her satisfied. My parents actually hired a computer guy to come and block your site, so I have no idea like what’s going on with you for the past few months, but I remember you were going to do some pitches so I hope all that went well.

Anyway, my parents destroyed my entire social life and have no trust in me whatsoever anymore. They also sent me to therapy, but the good thing is I got out after like 4 meetings with her. It was pretty funny because I had to talk about you the whole time, and I just kept thinking, “I wish Tucker could just see this right now, he’d be laughing so hard at me and how I have to talk about solely him for an hour every week in therapy.” It sounds pretty bad to describe your relationship as such, “Well, we’re not at all dating and it’s not at all exclusive. It was pretty much just sex. I mean we still talked and he’s actually a really funny and nice guy, even though he has a website that’s just about sex and drinking and being an asshole. And yeah, he was sleeping with a bunch of other girls. But I mean, I knew that getting into it. So that’s basically what it was.”

Therapist: And that’s what you want in a relationship? Do you feel guilty about this, and do you think this is normal?

Me: Well, sex can be a fun thing… and no I don’t feel guilty… ? [long pause] Please don’t send me to a psychiatric hospital.

Anyway, she determined that there was actually nothing wrong with me and I just made poor decisions. It’s still insanely awkward at home though. Like, my father knows I’m not a virgin… and that I decided to lose my virginity to Tucker Max. You just can’t really look at your child the same way.

I’m allowed to like go out and do stuff though, so that’ll be good. And then I’m off to college next year, so it’s all fine. But I just had to tell you all that’s happened. The lesson I learned is: don’t tell your friends you’re pregnant. Well, hopefully sometime again I can perhaps see you and perhaps we can fuck, but who knows if you’ll still want to or when I can. Oh Lord, I really didn’t take what I should have out of his experience… damn you.

Also—please don’t post this e-mail on your website, only because people from school would figure out this was me, so I’m asking you as a favor to please not.

I hope all is well with you, and if you’re in California (?) or wherever, that pitches or vacations or fuckings are going well!

Love,

Sharon

From: Sharon

To: [email protected]

Date: Nov 26, 2007

Subject: A Stupid Email (aka we used to sleep together)

Hey Tucker,

I’m not sure if you remember me, but a few years ago I lost my virginity to you when I was in high school and you were living
in Chicago (yes, this is an email from one of those girls). I am writing you for two reasons:

1.) I just got tested for STD’s once again and therefore reminisced about every questionable piece of ass I’ve ever gotten in my past, namely from when I was retarded/drunk/sleeping with 28 year old men from the internet. (Now only the first two are applicable—clearly signs of maturity.)

2.) I’m a creative writing major (yes, I am aware I will die penniless and alone on the streets), and I wrote a short story that is being adapted into a play. It’s loosely about a girl in high school who loses her virginity to a man she meets on the internet named Tucker Max and then has a pregnancy test that comes out positive (if you remember that happening… it was just a fabulous time). Clearly it’s a dark comedy. Anyway, I didn’t think you’d care, it’s just for community theater at my old high school, but I didn’t want to use your name if you didn’t want me to for some reason. (everyone at my high school knows who you are of course.)

Anyway this email sounded bitter and stupid but really I just wanted to I guess let you know that that was happening and check to see if it was okay with you, and if it’s not I can change some small details and your name.

Hope all is well with you and LA isn’t pissing you off too much,

Sharon

PS—Your book is at Urban Outfitters, and I dragged my boyfriend in there yesterday to go shopping. Needless to say he was less than thrilled to see your book there. He was a fan of yours though until he learned of my past involvements.

Whatever, everyone else thinks it’s cool.

That’s not all. I emailed another virgin I’d slept with and asked her if she wanted to write anything about her experience, what it was like and why she did it. Here is her take, again completely unedited:

“There are a lot of reasons why it makes no sense that I wrote Tucker Max to take my virginity. I am routinely teased for being a Good Girl; I’m usually the one who is the first to quit drinking for the night; I stress out on everything; I’m oversensitive to everyone’s feelings; I hate it when friends make our upcoming plans public on my private Facebook wall. Tucker Max on the other hand has openly declared in print that he’s an Asshole, drinks like a fish, acts impulsively, has no problem dishing out sharp-tongued insults, and gleefully documents his doings for the entire world to read. So, why did I write him of all people to take my virginity? A few reasons. I mean, besides being 30. 30 years old. For fuck’s sake.

Why did I wait so long?

Before you ask, no, I wasn’t abused. To make a long story short, I blame a friendship with a poacher “best friend” that lasted from the 4th grade to Junior year of college. Back then, I didn’t know she was an idiot savant in the “purposefully stealing guys to feel self worth” department. Instead, I thought that consistently losing guys to her meant that I was man-repellent (I look back at my photos, and I can honestly say I wasn’t). Instead of speaking to someone who might have wisdom on the subject and could have clued me into what was actually going on, I gave up and adopted a lazy method of pursuing guys. Somehow, declaring my interest to everyone but the guy in question never worked out. Imagine that.

In the meantime, I was already in self-image hell without her help. I had to wear a back brace for scoliosis from 5th to 9th grade, which of course is every adolescent girl’s dream come true. Teenagers automatically feel completely awkward all the
time anyway, so you can imagine how psyched I was to add that thing into the mix. If I could go back in time, I would have told myself “Look. It’s a piece of plastic. Big fucking deal. It’ll be out of your life in 4 years.” Even after I was liberated from the brace and my physical imperfections were unnoticeable, I still felt like a circus freak.

To make matters worse, any last shred of confidence I had left was annihilated through my own fault during my college years. Let’s just say that although Taco Bell Value Meals and Grand Slam Breakfasts are not meant to be diet staples, they were for me. “So what? Heavy girls get action too!” you say. Well, yes even though I wasn’t an appropriate weight for my height, a handful of opportunities still came up. But these guys were of your average bar sleaze variety. I wasn’t going to fuck some gold toothed random who looked alright through 3am beer goggles just so I could check this off my bucket list. I wanted to at least be attracted to the guy! Eventually I formed a relationship with the elliptical at the gym and cut down on the junk food with the hope I would attract male attention that I would actually welcome. Mission accomplished.

By 30, I had just about enough of being the only virgin in my circle of friends. They would go out for the night and come back with tales of debauchery while I sat on the sidelines jealous. By that time I had hooked up, but still hadn’t had actual sex. I’m not saying I wanted to go out and slut it up every weekend, but I did have biological needs that I wanted to act on and was extremely frustrated. Something had to be done before Judd Apatow got ahold of my life story and made a movie out of it.

Why Tucker?

There are various people out there who’ve addressed this question. They’ve all come up with the same basic answer:
Tucker’s the quintessential Alpha Male. Well duh. Glad to see you paid attention in your Psych 101 class. But in my case, there was a bit more to it than that.

I am known for having a weakness for hot guys with substance abuse and/or personality problems. So my attraction to Tucker after reading
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
was surprising to no one. Personally, I blame Charlie Sheen’s character in
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
for making 10-year-old me believe that hot drugged out jailbirds were not only ready to make out at any given time, but would also understand me on a meaningful level that no one else could.

Over time I’ve found that I’m better off keeping those types of guys to my pre-bedtime fantasies and have learned to stay away from them in reality. But since
IHTSBIH
vaguely hinted that there might be more depth to Tucker than the hellraiser that’s mostly represented in the book, I went to his website to see what else I could learn about him. After reading present-day stuff from Tucker, I found that besides being hilarious and intelligent, he had drive, honesty and self-awareness on a level I hadn’t yet seen among my own peers. All that plus the whole cliche bad boy thing, and how could I not be attracted? Oh and blahblah Alpha Male blahblah.