Assholes Finish First (44 page)

Well, this was off to a great start. Tucker continued to try and get this kid laid while this drunk girl continued to follow him around like a lost puppy. My mission forgotten, I went back to chatting with my friends. Finally, Steph handed me her camera and suggested that Rosie and I ask to take a picture with him. We did, and this time, Tucker blatantly looked me up and down.

“34 C?” Tucker asked.

“32 C,” I replied, “but good guess. What, are you trying to touch them or something?”

“Oh, I know I can touch them,” he said. “But I like to guess first.”

When I went back to sit with my friends, they’d been joined by a couple of Tucker’s tour guys. Eventually, the man himself showed up.

“So,” he asked, scooting in next to me. “Are you coming back with me tonight?”

I have two options. One: dignity. Two: a good story to tell later. So I snuck off and texted my best friend, Matt. “Should I fuck Tucker Max?” His response: “You will be a GOD in my eyes.”

It’s done. Around 1:30, I told Tucker that I would, in fact, go home with him. “Oh, I know,” he replied. “We have a cab waiting, let’s go.”

We got into the cab with everyone at the bar waving and giving the thumbs up. The best part? I didn’t even know most of them. Tucker took me back to the Hampton Inn where he was staying, showed me his tour bus (which was pretty sweet) and I met his dog, whom he talks to like somebody’s aunt talking to a baby, except that he told him, “Say hello to the new slut!”

Finally, in his room, he wasted no time getting completely naked. Like, no foreplay at all. Well, girls? Here’s everything you wanted to know about Tucker Max: His body is nice, but a little too hairy. He’s a great kisser. He screws like he’s jackhammering a sidewalk. I faked orgasm to get him to stop. After he was finished he told me we were going to do it again in the morning. Great! I should have gotten up and left, but then he wanted to chat.

We talked about normal things, like how he eventually wanted to get married and have kids, which was a shock.

“You’re 33,” I said. “Shouldn’t you get a move on?”

He said that he wasn’t interested in being in relationships, and I told him I liked being in them, at which point he totally misunderstood me and proceeded to tell me that we couldn’t date.

“You’re not a real person,” I replied, by way of explanation. I also told him about this guy I was kind of hung up on and he was surprisingly nice and insightful, telling me that I was a cute girl and that I shouldn’t pin my hopes on some dude at my age.

The next day, he woke me up for sex, as promised. It was worse, because he was panting this time, and when he was putting his clothes on, he farted loudly, multiple times. I called a cab, and he gave me 20 bucks for the cab which I gladly took. (Hey, I’m in college.) He hugged me and said, “I’d totally hook up with you again. Call me if you’re ever in L.A.”

Eh. I think one episode of stunt sex is all I’ll ever need.

Part 3: Tucker Max Responds to Courtney, His One-Night Stand Who Told All

Reprinted from Lemondrop, October 1, 2009

If you’re reading this, then you’ve probably read the “I Slept With Tucker Max” piece that started it. Basically, a girl I fucked in State College wrote her account of what happened. I have to say, I applaud young Courtney for two things:

1. Using her real name and picture. I would have had very little respect for her if she’d written all of this anonymously, but she didn’t. If you are going to kiss and tell, be honest and open about it, and she was. Very cool.

2. Being pretty fair and honest about everything. For the most part, she left out all the insecure editorializing bullshit that girls usually put into those things, and basically told it like it was. I was very impressed with her fairness and objectivity.

In fact, I was so impressed with the whole piece that I didn’t even feel the need to write any sort of comprehensive rebuttal. Though I disagreed with a few things, and she left a few things out, I was going to let it all lie, because it was far more true than not. The fact that she was fair and reasonably accurate and actually spoke from a position of experience instead of just assuming what I was like secondhand, that immediately put her ahead of 95 percent of the people who write about me.

Yes, there were a ton of details she left out. Like when this other hot girl was all up in my shit, and Bill Dawes went up to her and said, “Hey, Baby Fat, I think you’ve lost this one,” and she took off and got her friend to promise to fuck my friend Jeff if I left with her. I had actually forgotten about that until Jeff reminded me, but it’s an irrelevant detail. The basic point is that she came out to fuck me, and she readily admitted that, so whatever. It’s a story not a police report; she got enough right.

But when Lemondrop asked me if I wanted to write a rebuttal, I took them up on it. I couldn’t help it. Not for the reasons you might think. But I couldn’t stop myself from writing this, because of one thing she wrote:

“He screws like he’s jackhammering a sidewalk. I faked orgasm to get him to stop.”

I don’t have any beef with her description of me in bed. I would prefer the phrasing “dominant and aggressive,” but whatever; you can call me a jackhammer, the difference is semantics.

The thing that pissed me off is that she said she faked an orgasm to get me to stop. I mean honey, really? Did you think I was paying the LEAST bit of attention to you or your “orgasm”? You know why I stopped? Because I came. That’s always when I stop. I couldn’t tell your orgasm from pixie dust, I don’t even know if either are real, and neither would make me stop if I wasn’t done, that’s for sure.

Courtney, I know you’re only 21, so that explains a lot, but baby, please understand: We all reap what we sow. Just like I have to be OK with the women who come to fuck me Twittering about it or writing about it for millions to read, you need to be OK with me not caring for or considering you in bed. I’m sure there are a lot of guys who will be sweet and gentle with you in bed and really pay attention to your needs, but the guys you come out to sport fuck probably won’t be among them.

And for the record, two things she said I want to confirm as true:

1. I absolutely baby-talk my dog, Murph, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I love that goofy mutt, and she likes it when I baby-talk her and I don’t care who knows.

2. She wasn’t lying when she said I told her I wanted to eventually settle down and have kids. I do. Maybe not now, but soon enough that I think about it now. Of course, traveling around the country fucking all kinds
of college girls who throw themselves at me probably doesn’t help accomplish this goal. Eh, what can you do?

Still single, ladies: [email protected]

T
EXTS FROM
T
UCKER
M
AX’S
N
IGHT

I am a fan of the website Texts From Last Night, so much so that their book is one of only three I have given a blurb to. In thanks, Lauren Leto (the girl who started the site) sent me a selection of the funniest “I fucked Tucker Max” submissions they have received but not published:

From: Lauren Leto

To: Tucker Max

Date: Mon, Dec 7, 2009

Subject: Tucker Max Texts

From our back end, a selection of just a few of the best. Impressive diversity of area codes, btw:

(301): i had sex with tucker max last night… my life is complete

(404): Last night I fucked Tucker max

(323): OMG… I think Tucker Max fucked me last night!

(301): i just fucked tucker max

(864): new life goal: to NOT fuck Tucker Max

(919): i just slept with tucker max. we’re over.

(919): I’m fucking Tucker Max

(1-919): Really?

(919): Yep. Kayla and I are going to his hotel. Bahahaha

(860): my friend fucked tucker max!

(714): You fuck an asian from West Covina, I fuck Tucker Max. I win!

(469): My new goal in life is to be a “Tucker max” story…

(505): So I banged out a girl last night who slept with Tucker Max. WIN!

(513): I just hugged my friend that was with tucker max last night… im spending the night in the hospital. fuck.

(303): I just banged a chick that fucked Tucker Max. If my dick falls off I’m gonna be pissed!!

(443): remember when jo was screaming about how much she hated tucker max last week? she’s making out with him at the bar. CALL ME.

(724): Tucker Max just asked me if my cleavage was going to the bar tonight… Over the microphone in front of everyone

(803): let’s stalk tucker max’s bus. I feel like there was a connection there last night

(1-803): um. Maybe I missed that? Connection? He was calling girls out about lawnmower hair and throwing rocks at dead hookers. I saw no “connections”

(803): he totally looked up my skirt. In Tucker, that means, you + me = true love. behind the bus!! LETS GO FOLLOW THE BUS!

(949): Tucker Max called me a stripper. Life is now complete.

(440): Tucker Max just gave me his number.

(330): This is the one time I will allow cheating—but get pics.

(410): In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field

(804): Red flag Red flag Red flag Red flag Red flag Red flag—the flag is RED bro

T
HE
H
ANDPRINT
S
TORY

Occurred—September 2009

This also happened on the movie premiere tour, but in Philadelphia, with a different girl. First up is my write-up, then her article about sleeping with me, which was published in a UPenn student newspaper.

Part 1: The Handprint Story

We had half an hour to kill in Philly, and this one girl on the bus who had been giving “fuck me” eyes for hours, said:

Girl “You have a half hour? I live right across the street.”

Tucker “No need to be subtle with me, let’s go.”

We got in the elevator, I grabbed her and started kissing her, and I put my hand in her crotch, and before I knew it I was knuckle deep inside of her. Very nice. This one came to play ball.

She told me she wanted me to tie her up, pull her hair, all of the standard BDSM stuff that some girls are into. OK, not really my game, but I can be physical if the girl is really into that.

I threw the Cumfy Cuffs on her and got to work. I have been with a good number of girls, I basically know my way around the vagina, and let me
tell you: This girl was dirty in bed. And I mean that in the BEST possible way.

I flipped her over to finish (I like finishing from behind), and right as I was about to cum I decided to put an exclamation point on it by laying a slap on her ass that would make Ike Turner proud. She squealed, so I laid another one on her and finished.

As I stood there sweating and putting my clothes on, my only regret was that I had to leave to get on the bus. I fucked that girl pretty hard, but I was nowhere near her limits. But she wasn’t done.

DirtyGirl “I want you to sign it.”

Tucker “Sign what?”

DirtyGirl “Sign the handprints on my ass.”

Tucker “For real?”

DirtyGirl “Yes. I’ve wanted to fuck you since I was 16, I want proof of this.”

So I did it. And I took a picture, a picture she liked so much she told me to post it on my blog:

Part 2: I Did It with Tucker Max

by Anonymous (but it is the girl from above; she emailed me about this story before it was printed)

Reprinted from Pennetration, Edition 2, February 2010

Let me preface this with: Tucker Max is the fucking man.

I could try to describe his greatness, but I’d prefer to use his own words. As Tucker writes in the introduction to his website, “I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.”

I’ve always sort of fancied myself the female equivalent of Tucker Max. He has unquestionably been one of my biggest influences, in both my personal conduct and my writing style.

When I was a sophomore in high school, one of my male friends introduced me to the Tucker Max website. Right away I thought, “This dude is awesome!” I read through his many chronicles of drunken debauchery, which many times made me laugh so hard that I cried, and found myself strongly identifying with Tucker.

I’ve never really had a filter, or what could be called a proper conscience… you know, that voice that tells you that the shit you want to say is inappropriate and will offend any decent human being in the immediate vicinity?

Furthermore, like Tucker, I’m a self-professed slut. I certainly have sex with more people than is safe or reasonable. I love sex, and I’m not ashamed of it. Society tends to frown upon women who fuck whomever they want, whenever they want, which is why I’ve up until now limited my sexcapade tales to oral retellings, rather than writing them out and posting them on the internet.