Assholes Finish First (41 page)

Tucker [
bored at this point, so totally kidding
] “What… you pregnant?”

Alexa [
overdramatic, soap opera pause
] “Yeah.”

Tucker “Are you fucking serious?”

Alexa “Yeah.”

Tucker “You fucking whore! YOU WERE GOING TO FUCK ME AND NOT EVEN TELL ME YOU WERE PREGNANT??”

Alexa “I was going to get the abortion today, but I decided to wait—BECAUSE I WANTED TO FUCK YOU!”

This can’t be happening. This can’t be true. She didn’t just say that. This is not real. No one is this fucking evil!!!

If I really thought about it, and fully processed this statement and what it meant, both to me and her, I am fairly confident the resulting insights
would collapse the balance of cognitive dissonances I have about many aspects of my life, and emotionally obliterate me. So instead of thinking about these things, I just started laughing.

Tucker “HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHA.”

Alexa “That’s not funny!”

Tucker “HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.”

Alexa “Stop it! Why are you laughing?”

Tucker “I’m just
so happy
that it’s not mine.”

Alexa “FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU!

I mean, it can’t get worse than that, can it?

It can, and it did.

Because I still fucked her.

THAT night.

I know, I know. Let’s just focus on the good things I do.

What I thought would be a one-time fuck turned into her staying at my place for two days. My roommate at the time thought it was great, because she would walk around naked. I didn’t, because I knew what kind of scar touching this flame would leave.

Tucker “This is great and all, but don’t you need to go get an abortion?”

Alexa “Stop trying to push me out. I think you like your dog more than you like me.”

Tucker “Of course I do. I love my dog. She’s loyal, affectionate, and caring.”

Aexa “You love your dog more than you ever loved me!”

Tucker “Of course I do, probably because I don’t even like you. If I thought it would make Murph one percent happier, I would throw you off a building.”

Alexa “I HATE YOU!”

Tucker “Hate and love are emotions. You are a sociopath. You don’t feel anything.”

After this, I didn’t hear from her until early 2009. That encounter is told in the final story in the book, “Good Game, Great Game, and No Game.”

To this day, she still tries to get back in my life. Using any excuse she can, she’ll text me or Facebook me. I’m not really sure why she keeps trying. Probably because I am the only person ever to be decent to her and treat her like a human. Or maybe she does it because it worked a few times in the past.

There might be some shred of humanity still left in her, I don’t know. As much as I saw flashes of evil, I thought I saw flashes of good too, deep down. Maybe it’ll come out later in her life and she’ll turn it around, like Darth Vader. But as of now, take my warning:

LA girls aren’t human, they have no souls, and they’ll steal your soul from you if you let them.

T
UCKER MAX:
B
ABY
K
ILLER

Occurred—various 2005–2010

Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated so many stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me. A normal person might feel bad about that and examine his decision-making processes, but instead of doing that, I decided to put them all together into one story for the entertainment of millions. Let no one say I’m not a giver.

While writing this intro, I was having problems with striking the right balance between being funny and making a point, so I emailed Nils, possibly the world’s best abortion joke artisan, for help.

Nils “There are so many ways to go with this. I mean, just think about the history of how you looked at abortion as a human being? When you’re younger, you think of abortion as this huge shameful, painful ordeal that happens to girls with bad parents in nondescript buildings in the bad part of town. Now you’re older and you’re writing them off your taxes. That’s funny.”

Tucker “Yeah, but I think I need to make a point too, not just tell jokes. You’re the one who loves abortions and thinks they’re hilarious. I can find the humor in them, but I’m not the aficionado you are. I’m more of a midget guy.”

Nils “Any procedure that can erase a massive lapse in judgment while at the same time saving hundreds of thousands of dollars and no fewer than 18 years of responsibility for the welfare of another human being,
and can be performed with what amounts to a Black & Decker wet/dry vac from your local Home Depot—that’s a procedure from which I will derive countless hours of entertainment. Don’t forget the coat hangers either. Can’t forget them.”

Tucker “I’m thinking about doing something about how all the assorted haterz try to accuse me of things I don’t do, like rape people or hate women, whereas they miss the one thing I actually do: kill unborn babies. Or maybe I’ll do something with the process by which I discuss abortion with a girl who is pregnant. It’s not always an easy thing to bring up or talk about. Though I’m not sure how to make that funny.”

Nils “I’m at the gym right now and laughing out loud like a retard because for some reason all I can think of is some girl deciding to keep the baby just to spite you, and you going over to her house with a bullhorn and a picket sign yelling, ‘HEY! HEY! HO! HO! THAT UNBORN BABY HAS GOT TO GO!!’ Maybe do something with that.”

Do something with THAT?

I can’t. I’m just going to move on to the stories:

—One night I met a random at a bar. We got real drunk and had sex, and the next morning we realized that we had sex at least once without a condom.

Girl “Are you going to come with me to get the morning-after pill?”

Tucker “No. Why would I do that?”

Girl “Because I don’t want to go alone.”

Tucker “Don’t you have friends?”

Girl “I’m not asking them to come with me! You fucked me, you have to come.”

Tucker “Not happening.”

Girl “What if I get pregnant? I don’t want to get another abortion.”

Tucker “That’s fine. If you get knocked up, I’ll just kick you in the stomach until it dies.”

Girl “What?”

Tucker “Technically, that’s not an abortion. It’s a miscarriage. Problem solved.”

—This happened in bed, with a girl who was ridiculously into me at the bar.

Girl “We can’t have sex.”

Tucker “Why not?”

Girl “Uh… umm… I don’t want to?”

Tucker [
looking at her like the lying, eager slut she was
] “You and I both know that’s not true.”

Girl “OK, fine… I’ll tell you why, but don’t judge me. I had an abortion a week ago and the doctor said I can’t have sex for another week. But we can totally fuck on, like, Tuesday.”

Tucker “All right… well, they didn’t vacuum the baby out of your mouth, did they?”

—We were ready to fuck, but like an idiot, I was out of condoms.

Tucker “I don’t have a condom.”

Girl “I’m not on the pill.”

Tucker “Aren’t you pro-choice?”

Girl “What? I mean, yeah, but I am not going to purposely use abortion as birth control!”

Tucker “What a waste. Why support
Roe v. Wade
if you’re not going to use it?”

—This girl and I had a… tumultuous relationship. We would have sex, she would claim to be pregnant, I would call bullshit, she’d cry and apologize, I’d get pissed and ignore her… until I was horny, then I’d call her because I’m weak in the face of pussy. Rinse and repeat. The first few times it was just a pregnancy scare. Then she actually got knocked up, and I paid for the abortion. The next time she wanted to fuck, I picked her up.

Girl “Why’d you insist on coming to get me? I have a car.”

Tucker “I know. But we have an appointment I want to be sure you make.”

We pulled up to Planned Parenthood.

Girl “Why are we here?”

Tucker “If you want to have sex with me today, you have to get a Depo shot. Or NuvaRing or something. Right now.”

Girl “You want me to get birth control right now? I’m already on birth control!”

Tucker “And we’ve already established that you’re a liar. If you want to fuck me, you have to do it.”

Girl “Why don’t you just use condoms?”

Tucker “I did, and you STILL claimed to be pregnant.”

Girl “Oh yeah. Whatever, I’m not going in there.”

Tucker “You’re welcome to say no, but you’re going straight home. No penis for you.”

Girl “This is ridiculous!”

She bitched and complained… but she got on birth control that day. And there were no more pregnancy scares (mostly because I stopped fucking her and moved onto some less demonic sluts, but whatever).

—I fucked a girl, and afterward we realized the condom had broken.

Girl “Oh no. Please, please don’t get me pregnant.”

Tucker “You think I want you knocked up? If you’re pregnant, I’m going to kill someone.”

Girl “THAT’S NOT FUNNY. I’m Catholic! And I’m not on the pill!!”

Tucker “Why weren’t we just having anal, then?”

She informed me that she was morally opposed to abortion, so it was a long, shitty couple of weeks until I got this text from her:

“Hey great news! My pussy is bleeding! You home? Celebratory blowjob?”

Clearly abortions are the least of this girl’s problems.

—Sometimes I fuck younger girls, 18 or 19, and for some reason, each one is convinced she’s the first.

Her “I bet I am the first girl you’ve ever fucked who was born in the ’90s huh?”

Tucker “Oh honey… I’ve not only fucked girls born in the 90s, I’ve already had to pay for an abortion for a girl born in the ’90s.”

I should mention that exchange took place in 2008… March of 2008. Do the math.

—This girl was a Hooters waitress, came over to fuck a few times, and we used condoms pretty much every time… except for one time we didn’t. It’s not really my fault, though. You see, I can be a sleep fucker. Sometimes I’ll wake up horny at 3am, and if I am next to a girl I’m fucking, I’ll roll over and just start humping. I’ll only be half awake and usually won’t fully wake up until I cum. While sleep fucking is pretty common for me, sleep-putting-on-a-condom is not. It wasn’t long before I got the call.

Girl “Hey, uh… it looks like I’m pregnant.”

Tucker “Is it mine?”

Girl “Yes!”

Tucker “Of course it is.”

Girl “It is!”

Tucker “Whatever. I guess you want me to pay for the abortion?”

Girl “I can’t afford it. I work at Hooters.”

Tucker “Fine. There’s $1000 down the drain. Literally.”

Girl “What?!?”

Tucker “Of course I’ll pay for it. Just make sure to get me the receipt.”

Girl “A receipt? For an abortion? What for?”

Tucker “Aside from the fact I want to make sure you go through with it, I’m going to write this off my taxes. If I write a story about this, I can claim it as a research expense and take it as a deduction.”

Nils made a joke about this up top, but it’s true: I really do write abortions off my taxes (as a research expense). And it’s perfectly legal.

I’m like Sweden: Free abortions for everybody!

T
HE
M
IDGETS
S
TRIKE
B
ACK

Occurred—November 2009

Part 1: The Tiny Little Setup

After my first book got popular, colleges started asking me to come give speeches. These college speeches are kinda ridiculous; I get paid well into the five figures to talk for an hour, answer questions, autograph shit, and have young hot girls hit on me. Sign me up.

I gave one at a college in late 2009, as I was finishing this book. Afterward I was signing autographs and taking pictures, and a female midget came up to me. I never know how things like this will go. The vast majority of people who approach me in person are cool and nice, but of course every once in a while you get some nut job who wants you to save her from the fucking aliens or something.

Well, she waddled right up and said in her high-pitched, squeaky voice: