After Ben (34 page)

Theo knelt at the side of the bed, asking, “Are you really sniffing my pillow?”

Morgan’s “Yeah” had been muffled—soft and breathy—so completely unlike his usual voice that Theo leaned in a little closer.

“Are you asleep?”

“Oh, yeah.” This time Morgan turned and stretched like some exotic wildcat—all concave stomach, arched back, and lean grace, before rolling back over Theo’s pillow again, leg hitched. Theo pulled the sheet—reluctantly—over his ass, then slid his hands across Morgan’s back, making him almost purr. Against the stark white cotton, his skin looked creamy. It was hard to believe that it had been marred by bruises the first time he saw Morgan at the shelter. That seemed like a lifetime ago.

Morgan’s eyelashes looked too heavy to lift. They barely opened as he mumbled, “See you later?” Theo nodded as he kissed him good-bye. He hadn’t even left for work yet, and already he couldn’t wait to come home.

He drove to his office thinking how right it felt leaving Morgan at home sprawled across his bed, snoring softly as he quietly shut the bedroom door. He guessed that a more rational person—Maggie, for example—might have a lot to say about how dumb it was to leave his house open to someone he hardly knew. But he just felt calm, as if the tension he’d carried for over a year was slowly but surely unwinding from around his ribs.

He wasn’t entirely naïve; he didn’t expect everything to go smoothly between them. He still clearly remembered aspects of transitioning into his first serious relationship with Ben. Some of that shit had been tough, catching him by surprise, making him question his twenty-something judgment at the time.

Theo’s first year with Ben—which had been a blur of organizing Ben’s immigration, finishing up grad school, relocating back up to Seattle, and settling into his new job—had been so busy that simple things about their new life together often surprised him. He’d step out of the shower sometimes, still half asleep, and be startled to find Ben brushing his teeth. Things that became dear and familiar the longer they were together, like the curve of Ben’s spine as he bent over the basin, seemed foreign and unfamiliar then.

Sometimes he’d felt a little awkward, shy even. Ben already had an adult history. He’d already had a live-in partner. Everything that was brand-new to Theo seemed to come so easily to Ben because he’d done most things already. Ben made the everyday adjustments of learning to live together seem like a comfortable coat he was shrugging back into, approaching problems with gentle amusement rather than frustration or bad temper.

They had fallen in love and acted on impulse, meshing their lives so quickly that he hadn’t had time to consider that there might be a downside to getting together as they had. He remembered his mother asking pointed questions during his first phone calls from Italy after meeting Ben, especially when he didn’t come home as planned before the next semester commenced. He sat in Ben’s parents’ foyer using their phone as his brothers crashed through the front door, full of laughter, challenging each other over some perceived insult.

“Theo, darling, what do you mean you won’t be coming home?” She’d sounded a little upset, and he could understand that. He always spent time at home toward the end of the summer. Helping his dad around the house and dock had turned into a tradition, and his mom liked to fatten him up before she sent him back to college. “But who is he, Theo? How can you know enough about him already?” She’d sounded more confused than anything else, he guessed.

“Wait until you meet him, Mom. You’ll love Ben.” Theo had been so sure she would.

He’d been certain, absolutely certain.

He didn’t want to think about what her reaction to Morgan might be. Instead, he spent his commute discovering a brand-new appreciation for the way Ben had thrown himself into building a life with him, even when leaving his own family must have been so hard. He appreciated now that Ben might have felt similarly toward him when he’d been younger and idealistic as he did about Morgan now.

Ben had met him in Milan and then had taken the risk of traveling halfway around the world to be with him. They had fifteen amazing years together, and while that hadn’t been enough—not nearly enough—the way things worked out for them made him see that he and Morgan might be able to build something similar. Not the same—never the same—but something very special, for sure. He could feel it. Maybe that’s why they’d reached for each other on the Internet. Maybe that’s why they’d both struggled so much whenever one of them had withdrawn for a while.

Yeah, Theo decided as he approached his office, he’d rush into this relationship all right. He’d throw himself into it and take whatever he could get because life really could be too short. He remembered Peter saying the same thing, and when he called him, making it his first task of the day to explain that he’d met someone special, Peter repeated the same phrase again.

Theo settled down to work, seeing Morgan’s sleepy smile, after he agreed that he’d see him later, every single time he closed his eyes.

He hadn’t expected to see Morgan quite so soon.

Ben used to meet him for lunch sometimes. In their early days, he used to stand outside the building, waiting for Theo to finish his morning’s work. He’d grin as soon as he saw Theo, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he hurried toward him. Theo used to watch Ben restrain himself, and would instantly feel the stress of a morning spent trying to master complex financial analysis slip away. Instead of embracing as an average couple might, Ben would rush up, then stop short, smiling, smiling, smiling.

After Ben broke the ice with Theo’s colleagues at their first company party, he stopped waiting outside, taking the elevator up to Theo’s floor instead, asking after the receptionist’s family while he waited. He’d sit with Theo in the cafeteria, shaking his head at the menu, promising something delicious for dinner.

If Theo was overwhelmed with work at audit time, Ben would prop open the heavy door of the archive room to give him a little air, then feed him bites of sandwiches while he worked through his lunch hour, concerned at how quickly Theo’s appetite faded whenever he was stressed. By the time Theo had his own office, their lunch dates had scaled down to once in a blue moon, but he often left for his early morning gym sessions with a Ben-prepared lunch in his sports bag, as well as a husky warning in his ear not to forget to eat.

Morgan didn’t waste any time hanging around outside his office.

He still looked sleep rumpled when Theo saw him through his blinds that lunchtime, yawning hugely, sitting on the corner of Joel’s desk, flicking paperclips at Evan while Maggie stood next to him looking vaguely pissed.

Theo opened the blinds a little more, itching to go see Morgan, knowing he could only spare a minute. He’d arrived that morning to an inbox full of urgent e-mails, and he needed to press on until he had at least caught up with the backlog. Maggie caught his eye. She was frowning, her head tilted as she listened to something Morgan said, then shaking her head. Theo headed out, wondering if the two most opinionated people in his life might be clashing before he even had a chance to introduce them.

“Hey.”

Morgan’s smile was wide and sudden. Theo recalled Ben then, stuffing his hands into his pockets, forcing himself to keep his hands to himself when they were first around his colleagues. He laced his own fingers together behind his back, the urge to touch Morgan dragging at him like a riptide, making him move almost against his will.

He couldn’t concentrate on Maggie’s expression—half sad, half happy—as he tugged Morgan by the sleeve over to his office. He didn’t dwell on the way his interns smiled. All he saw was Morgan reaching for his tie, wrapping it around his wrist as he pressed the door shut behind him, then hauling Theo close like he was a sea bass on the end of an angler’s stretched-tight line. He shut his eyes, expecting a kiss, but Morgan’s scruff against his cheek—rubbing, nudging, making his head tilt—sent prickles of electricity through him. When he made space, Morgan shoved at his neck like a cat looking for the perfect place to rub itself.

“Oh my God, you’re nuzzling me, Morgan.”

“Shut up.”

“You are. You are definitely nuzzling me.”

His deep breath and exhalation against Theo’s neck was so warm.

“Can you finish up early?”

Theo laughed, running the fingertips of one hand through Morgan’s too-short hair, wishing it were still long enough to wrap around his wrists. “No, I’ve barely started. What are you doing here?”

Morgan’s lips were warm, his teeth sharp, his nips and almost-kisses acting as punctuation as he spoke.

“You said I could see you later.”

“Morgan, it’s not even noon.”

“I was just passing by.” Theo snorted. Morgan bit him a little harder. “I was. I had some documents to deliver a few blocks from here. I used your printer. I hope that’s cool.” He let Theo’s tie slip loose, wrapping both arms around him, squeezing him tight. “Did you know that you have absolutely nothing to eat at your place?”

“Are you hungry? I can send one of the interns down to the cafeteria with you.”

“I’m good. I just wanted to know what you liked. I can shop on the way home.”

Home.

Theo squeezed him back.

“I like anything that someone else makes,” he admitted. Ben had cooked pretty much everything, and he acted offended if Theo tried to help. Admittedly, he hadn’t ever tried too hard. His diet of the last year had consisted mostly of frozen dinners and bagged salad, or his mother’s mac ’n cheese.

Morgan sucked, bit, and licked across his throat, making Theo’s legs feel weak, as if he’d been treading water for far too long. He kissed Theo’s neck one last time before saying, “Oh, you’re shit out of luck then. Cooking is such a waste of porn-watching time that I never really learned.”

Theo snorted, doing a little nuzzling of his own.

“Plus, it’s hard to keep up with Internet arguments about junk food if you have to keep getting up to chop and stir shit.” Theo couldn’t fault Morgan’s logic. “I would kill for a home-cooked meal.” The yearning in Morgan’s voice was rough and honest.

All afternoon, Theo thought about that comment, as well as how happy he felt seeing Morgan in the middle of the day. He didn’t care if they were rushing. The way Morgan hugged him so tightly reflected exactly how he felt.

He made a call, then sent Morgan a message.

THEO: I’m taking you home for dinner.

T
HEO
’
S
car headlights sliced through the darkness as they edged around the lake. Morgan sat in rare silence, staring at him. Theo pulled over less than a half mile from his parent’s house, looking straight out the windshield as he spoke.

“Mom was generally always civil to Ben, but it was pretty clear that she wasn’t happy we were together. I told you all this, right? I’ve thought about it a lot over the years. I used to think that they would get used to each other, then I guessed that maybe they were too similar. Eventually I stopped putting everyone through it and usually just saw my parents on my own.”

Morgan sat in silence.

“I think Mom was waiting for everything to go wrong. She thought Ben was too old for me.” He snorted. It wasn’t a happy sound. “You know there were nine years between us?”

He knew that Morgan could do the math. There were over thirteen years between them.

“If we’re doing this….” His voice faltered as Morgan’s fingers curled around the back of his neck. Theo’s voice was gruff when he spoke again. “Yeah, if we’re doing this, Morgan, then this time I’m pushing through.” He saw Morgan’s nod reflected on the inside of the windshield glass. They made dark eye contact. “She thought that things would go wrong, and eventually she was right. They did, but only because he died. If he’d lived, she still wouldn’t be talking to him now, and I’d still be watching every word I said, cutting my visits short, feeling like a shitty son and a shitty partner.”

Morgan’s voice was low. “I can behave, Theo.”

“I don’t want you to. I want you to be yourself.” Theo was loud, louder than he intended. He shook his head, annoyed with himself, then started again. “I have wonderful parents. They always supported me—who I am—and only ever wanted me to be happy. My mom just couldn’t let me go. I think she saw Ben as judgmental, which was crazy. He was so easygoing. I guess she was just overprotective. She thought he was too old and would eventually hurt me. That hurt all of us, and I’m not ever going to let that happen again.” Morgan’s hand dropped to his lap.

“I know she’s sorry now. I think she has regrets.” So did Theo. So many regrets for all the wasted time, all the meals tense with unnatural silence. Ben always said that no one would ever be good enough for her Theo, so maybe it was best for him to stay away. He wished now that he had taken Ben with him every single fucking time he made the lonely drive to the lake on his own, if only to have those hours with Ben to remember.

Morgan squeezed Theo’s thigh before he spoke. “I’m not sure how to do this, Theo. I annoy people. I make people angry, really angry, but I don’t do that shit on purpose.” He looked across at Theo, his dark eyes huge, his long lashes casting shadows across his cheeks. “What if I make things worse between you all?”

Theo unfastened his seatbelt and leaned over, kissing Morgan until he was breathless.

“You can’t make things worse. I love my parents, but I choose you, Morgan. The sooner we all get that straight, the better. I choose you.” He shrugged, heat creeping up his neck, glad that they sat in the near-dark. He felt a little choked up that it took losing someone to make him fight for the things that really mattered.

“I want you, and I want my family, but most of all….” He held Morgan’s hand.

“Yeah?” Theo loved it when Morgan sounded like he couldn’t catch his breath.

“Most of all, I want some of my mom’s cooking.”

When they pulled up outside the house he’d grown up in, they were both smiling.

H
IS
mom tried so hard. Theo had moments where he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He wished there was a word to describe the bittersweetness of watching her welcome Morgan into their home, trying so hard to make him feel comfortable before escaping to the kitchen. He left Morgan watching the news with his dad, then joined her.