After Ben (29 page)

Adam was on his feet, guiding him back to a private room full of leaflets about self-help groups and AA meetings, shutting them in before Theo could think. He pushed Theo down into a seat, then knelt on the floor in front of him. It didn’t matter what Theo did, his eyes kept tearing up. He was so annoyed with himself, apologizing to Adam—a stranger, a complete fucking stranger—for having so little control.

“Control is overrated. When I try to control shit, I always screw up.” He passed Theo some tissues, then said, “You might feel better if you talk it out.”

“I don’t even know where to start.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Theo. Start wherever you can. I can wait.”

Theo dragged in a breath, bracing his hands on his knees, gripping tight. “My partner died, and I struggled. I struggled maybe harder than I realized. I missed him so much.”

“Missed him, Theo? Do you still struggle?” Adam’s voice was low, almost melodic.

“Not with the loss. No. He’s gone, and I have to move on. I’ve done sad, and I just did angry last night.” A strange sound wedged itself somewhere in his throat. “I started to move on, or I thought I’d started, but I was just kidding myself.” He shook his head.

“How?”

“Oh, it’s ridiculous.” Theo wiped his eyes, pissed that they kept on leaking. “I leaned too hard on an imaginary friend—on someone I met online—and for some dumb reason I was surprised when he wasn’t who I thought.” He swallowed again.

“Who did you think he was?”

“I don’t know. He was so fucking annoying, opinionated, moody, and most of the time he just had to be right.” Adam snorted at Theo’s description. “I should have known he was still a kid from that alone.”

“I know plenty of adults you could describe the same way, Theo.”

“Maybe so. Maybe so. Turns out that he’s one of Joel’s friends, so that sort of rules out anyone mature.”

“Joel’s pretty mature acting, Theo. What’s your point?” Adam wasn’t making this talking-it-out shit easy, Theo thought.

“I guess you have to lose someone to know how bad it feels. I couldn’t get involved with someone so young and risk putting them in that position.” Adam stood as Theo talked, turning his back for a few minutes. The silence was welcome initially. When Adam started speaking, his low voice shook, surprising Theo.

“So you have some arbitrary age before which happiness can’t possibly exist. Is that right? Have I understood you correctly, Theo?” He didn’t give him a chance to answer. “And you know categorically that the older partner will be the first to die, or get sick, or have a fucking accident?” Theo watched, blinking, as Adam ran a shaking hand through his short hair. “So, no one will get hurt if you stick to your ideal relationship rules, is that it?”

Theo nodded, then shook his head, feeling dizzy, getting a little pissed.

“What about your Internet friend, Theo? What does he have to say about your special relationship rules? Does he even get a say? Or have you decided in your elderly wisdom that feeling numb on the inside is better than feeling anything good, just in case the feeling doesn’t last forever?”

Theo’s eyes were dry—bone dry—as he stood, heading for the door. “I don’t know what your deal is, but I shouldn’t be talking to you about this anyway. I don’t even know you. I need to talk to Joel, then I need to speak with the other person involved, not you.” He took a breath, then another, hand resting on the door handle.

“Theo, I’m sorry. Just give me a minute.” He turned just as Adam crossed the room to stand in front of him. He looked as if he were about to reach out, then wrapped his arms around himself tight before saying, “Yeah, you should talk to the kid. You should do that. I imagine that he’s sad if you were as close as you’ve suggested.”

“We were extremely close. I miss him so much.” Theo pulled his shoulders back. “But I won’t let it happen again.”

“How, Theo? How will you know before you get in too deep in the future? Are you going to ask for ID?” It was almost funny. Adam’s face twisted; Theo guessed you could call it a smile. He tried to smile back, worried that he’d somehow upset the man he had only just met. Adam seemed so pleasant, someone Theo would have liked an opportunity to get to know better.

“Yeah, I’ll do that. Thank you, Adam. It’s been… interesting meeting you. I’ll always remember to ask for ID in the future.” He extended his hand, offering to shake before he left. Adam fumbled in his pockets before pulling out his wallet. He extracted a card quickly and slipped it into Theo’s hand.

Theo’s eyes blurred all over again when he looked at the card—quickly the first time, then more slowly, holding it right up to his face. Adam’s driver’s license photo stared back at him. Even the unflattering DMV photo couldn’t hide the fact that he was a very attractive man. But it was the print that held Theo’s gaze, the name of the license holder in particular.

Adam Morgan.

Chapter 16

E
VERY
stoplight was red as Theo drove back to his apartment. Each time he slowed, then idled as he waited for the lights to change, he felt Morgan’s—Adam’s—dark eyes on him. At the third stoplight, he turned toward the man in the passenger seat, opening his mouth to speak.

“Don’t.”

Theo blinked at Morgan’s instruction. He licked his lips, looked at the lights, then glanced across at him again.

“Don’t talk, Theo. Don’t say a single fucking word.”

Theo felt heat creep up his neck and his breath shorten as he approached his neighborhood. Everything looked exactly the same as it had that morning. He pulled into his parking spot and stared out through the windshield for a moment before turning toward Morgan again. Now everything looked completely different. What the hell was he doing?

He watched as Morgan swallowed, gazing across at him as he unfastened his seatbelt. When he spoke again, Theo’s heart began to race.

“This is what’s going to happen, Theo.” His voice was low and calm, sounding completely certain. “We’re going up to your apartment. It’s empty, right?” Theo nodded. Morgan almost smiled. His dark stare was intense and focused, making Theo’s skin prickle. “Good. Good.” He ran a hand through his cropped hair. Theo’s eyes followed the progress of those long, pale fingers, suddenly wishing he could touch Morgan’s hair too, imagining that it would feel like velvet.

“You’ll take me up to your apartment… third floor, right?” Theo frowned a little, then realized that of course Morgan knew these details. They’d had a long discussion about apartment living before. Morgan wasn’t a fan of neighbors; Theo liked the lack of maintenance. He wasn’t sitting in his car with a complete stranger who knew nothing about his life. Far fucking from it.

“Yeah, we’ll go up together, then we’ll start over.” Morgan nodded after he spoke, his expression solemn. “This is weird, no doubt about it, but you made this happen, Theo. First you gave me something to look forward to every single fucking day, and I thought that was enough. Then you took it away.” He swallowed. “When you cut me off, it was like losing my best friend. No, it was worse than that. Much worse.”

He broke eye contact, and when he spoke again, his voice shook a little. “You prefer sugar in your coffee—lots of sugar—but do without. You like eggs for breakfast, but eat cereal with skim milk. Your taste in music is whatever someone else chooses, and you think the best part about vacations is coming home.” Morgan’s eyes flickered across to Theo’s. “I know that you would rather watch sports—any sports—than a movie, and that secretly you’re a thrill-seeker. I thought I knew you.” He paused before adding, “But I didn’t have the first idea that your eyes were dark gray, or that your lips….” He licked his own. “I didn’t know you’d be as good on the outside as you are inside, Theo.”

Theo snorted. He’d been thinking the same thing.

“I need to know, Theo,” Morgan continued. “I need to know if this connection….” Theo nodded at him. “Yeah, we both need to know if this connection between us is more already. I think we should give each other a chance to find out.”

Theo nodded again. He wanted a chance to do that. He wanted it so much, his chest ached.

Morgan wetted his lips again. “Just don’t talk yourself out of it, Theo. We’re past the point of anything about this situation being rational.” He gazed at Theo then, his tense expression softening some. Theo wanted to kiss him so badly. So, so badly. He blinked when Morgan spoke again.

“Okay, Theo, whenever you’re ready to let go of my hand, we’ll go in.”

“Oh!” Theo looked down at his outstretched arm, at his fingers tangled around Morgan’s, and felt his cheeks flame. As he locked the car, he thought Morgan might be smiling.

They crossed the lot together, side by side, walking at the same steady pace. Theo’s steps faltered when he was greeted by a neighbor in the lobby, but Morgan’s hand on the small of his back urged him to keep walking. The elevator was there so they took it, standing close to each other, arms brushing. In the slightly warped reflection of the inner elevator door, they looked like they were linked—one person—they couldn’t stand much closer. Theo could feel Morgan’s hand next to his. His palm itched, and when he felt Morgan’s cool fingers curl around his own, he sighed with relief, feeling his shoulders relax as if he’d put down a heavy weight.

They held hands as they walked down the hallway. Theo fumbled for his keys, having to let go momentarily to delve into his pocket, grabbing Morgan’s hand again as he swung the door open. He didn’t have a chance to switch on the light. Morgan had him pushed up against the hall table and was kissing him before he could take a breath.

Morgan’s mouth was so hot, his tongue pushing its way insistently between Theo’s lips. At the same time, he caressed Theo’s hair with both hands, mumbling something like “Soft” into Theo’s mouth, tugging his hair a little, making him groan. Next his hands dropped to Theo’s sides, pushing under Theo’s open jacket, pressing over his abs. Morgan huffed, “Hard,” before his hands moved upward over his T-shirt. His thumbs brushed Theo’s nipples, making him jump, before they reached his shoulders, pushing his jacket off. When the fabric bunched around his elbows, Theo felt Morgan’s lips thin and harden as he smiled mid-kiss.

“You have to let go of my ass, Theo.”

“Oh, I—”

“Don’t talk. I told you not to speak. Just let go of my ass. You can have it back in a minute.” Morgan backed off a little as Theo released him, swiping at his lips with the back of his hand. As Theo shrugged out of his jacket, Morgan did the same, letting his fall to the floor. This time Theo reached for him, pulling him in close, kissing him like he already knew him. They kissed until Morgan pushed at his shoulders, breathing hard. In the dim light, he looked amazing, Theo thought, all swollen lips and huge shadowed eyes. He wanted to kiss him some more. When Morgan pushed him away again, his breath caught.

“What do you see, Theo?” Morgan turned him so they both faced the mirror above the hall table. In the weak winter light they were indistinct and shadowed. Morgan pulled him closer, hand slipping under the back of his shirt, fingers trailing up his backbone. They leaned toward the mirror. A serious man was reflected next to Theo, brows drawn, frown line evident.

“Do you see a kid?”

Theo shook his head.

No, he didn’t, not at all. There was nothing childlike about the man who stood shoulder to shoulder beside him. They were the same height, not even half an inch between them. Morgan was slimmer than Theo, his shoulders narrower, his torso appearing longer and leaner. He watched as Morgan pulled his shirt over his head. In that moment—that perfect second—where his arms were extended and his shirt covered his head, Theo saw Morgan’s biceps bunch then stretch, and his obliques and abs clearly defined. His own voice sounded like a stranger’s when he asked Morgan, “Can I speak now?”

Morgan’s smile and nod were slow, making something inside Theo twist and crack. He saw a stranger in the mirror, until he looked into his eyes.

“You told me you didn’t work out.” Theo turned a little, maintaining eye contact as he traced the dip that ran from the base of Morgan’s ribs to his navel. “You told me that exercise was for idiots.”

“People lie on the Internet, Theo. Didn’t you know?” He winked, sending pretty much all of the blood supplying Theo’s brain due south. “But that wasn’t what I said.” He put his own hand over Theo’s, guiding it as he pushed it farther down, their fingertips descending a trail of hair—starkly dark against Morgan’s white skin—before hitting the low-cut waistband of his pants. Theo held his breath.

“I didn’t say exercise was for idiots. I said that doing anything energetic in the morning was idiotic if you could spend time in bed instead.” His hand pushed Theo’s over the bulge in his pants. Theo’s breath huffed out.

“Oh. Oh yes, I remember.” There had been a long discussion about which activities Morgan considered exercise and which were more… recreational. He’d been inventive, Theo remembered, filthy and inventive.

“It’s way past morning, Theo.” He pressed his hand down harder. Theo felt Morgan’s cock twitch under his palm, so he wrapped his hand around it reflexively, angling his body to make getting a grip easier. Morgan kissed him again, both hands on his face, tongue pushing in with a long, slow slide. He groaned into Theo’s mouth every time Theo moved his hand, then stopped kissing after a minute, tilting his head back. His neck was so long, and pale, and right there. Theo just went with it. He kissed and sucked and wrapped his free arm around Morgan, holding him tight as he hung on to Theo’s shoulders.