Accidental Love (Accidental Crush #2) (18 page)

I can see how bad he
's hurting, and I want to make it better, but I can't. I can't believe he did that, either. I want to say it's okay and I love him, because I do, but I don't know if I can say any of those things. Not now. Right now, I can't say anything.

I feel the tears falling down my cheeks and want to stop them
, but I can't.

He wipes my tears with his thumbs as his hands cradle my face
. "I'm so sorry, Ash. I understand if you can't forgive me. I can't forgive myself."

"
I'm sorry, too," I whisper, not even sure if sound comes out.

We look at each other in silence
, and my heart seems to know this is the last time he'll touch me like this, look at me like this. I see tears in his eyes, and I find myself hating the beautiful aqua color they turn when he's upset.

"
I'm sorry for what I did, too, but I want you to know that I didn't kiss him back. I pushed him away." I try to pull it together, but my cracking voice is a dead giveaway.

Todd shakes his head and looks down at my comforter
. "I wish I could say the same thing." Then his eyes connect with mine. "But I want you to know, she didn't mean anything to me, either. I was drunk and angry. I thought you kissed Casey, and I know that's not an excuse." He shakes his head again. "You mean everything to me." He runs his hands over my hair, and for a second, I think he's going to kiss me, but then he pulls back. "But I get it. I just think… I think it'd be best if we weren't together." He squeezes his eyes shut. "I hurt everyone I'm with: Dylan, Rebecca, and now you." He opens his eyes and they reconnect with mine. "I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have."

I want to scream
, no. I want to scream, kiss me. But my pride won't let me. Why didn't he push her away? Why didn't he say he had a girlfriend? I know he thought I kissed Casey, but he should have trusted me, not some stupid picture from Rebecca. Our feelings should be stronger than some nameless girl he just met.

As much as it pains me to say the words
, I can't bring myself to say anything else. "You just did."

I
'll never forget the hurt look of realization on his face. It takes me by surprise, but I can't take the words back now, as much as I want to.

He swallows hard
. "I understand." His fingers brush across my cheeks to wipe the last of the drying tears. "I really am sorry, Ash." His fingers move to my hand then to the bracelet. "I still love you like crazy."

I squeeze my lips together and
nod my head yes. I don't have any more words as I watch him slowly get up off my bed and shut the door behind him. He doesn't stop by Ryan's room. I hear him say goodbye to my parents as he sees himself out. I know he's leaving tomorrow for two more weeks, and I can't believe he's leaving my life forever.

Chapter
19: Fresh Start (sort of)

This last week has been one of the hardest I've ever had to live through. I've avoided the topic with everyone, and I mean everyone. Sid doesn't know, which means Todd hasn't told anyone, either. Casey knew better than to ask how it went. I appreciate it, although I'm sure he figured it didn't go well; otherwise, I probably would've told him. I'm not sure if that is true, but I do wish it went well enough for me to find out how I would have handled it. It didn't, though.

Ryan has been overly sweet, which I hate because it
's just a reminder things aren't normal.

When I
'm not at the pool, I've been spending a lot of time in my room, lying on my bed, wallowing in my sorrow. I go back and forth between crying into or burying my nose in Todd’s letterman jacket, desperately trying to hang onto his scent, his memory. I can't snap out of it. I don't want to. I'm here again, wallowing, until I hear a faint knock on my door.

"
Ash, it's me. Can I come in?" I close my eyes and pretend to hear nothing. I don't want to talk to him, to anyone. Being Ryan, though, he doesn't wait for a response; he just opens my door and invites himself in.

He sits down next to me on my bed
, making himself right at home, which is odd. I can't remember the last time he just came to hang out in my room. By the look on his face, I know I look bad. I see his eyes land on Todd’s jacket, and I’m a little embarrassed he caught me with it, but I don’t even have enough emotional energy left to really care.

"
How are you?" he asks gently, like I'm a caged animal. I hate his tone, but I hate that I deserve it even more.

"
I'm okay." Even as I say it, I know he doesn't buy it.

"
Ash, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry Todd is such an asshole."

At that
, I sit up. "He's not, Ryan." I say with more anger than I've intended. It's the first real emotion I've felt other than heartbreak. Honestly, I didn't think I could feel anything, so I welcome it.

"
How can you say that after what he did?" He looks at me like I've lost my mind, and maybe I have.

I keep my eyes focused on my chipped
, blue nail polish as I try to figure out exactly how to put this to my brother. "It's not all his fault, Ry. I mean, he thought I kissed Casey. Casey, the one person he told me to be careful with. He told me before he left he thought Casey liked me."

"
He did?"

"
Yeah. And I hate that you guys aren't talking. This is between me and Todd, not you."

"
Yeah, but I want to kill him for hurting you." His eyes give me a once-over before they reconnect with mine.

"
And I love you for that, but you and Todd have been best friends for almost as long as I've been your sister."

Ryan gives a small laugh and smiles
. "That is true." He shrugs. "But I only have one sister."

"
Might I remind you, not too long ago, you did something similar to Gretchen."

"
Hold on; I didn't kiss back."

"
But Gretchen did, and you forgave her." I see the realization sink in, and actually, I hadn't thought about it that way before, either. The accident last year really helped everyone put their priorities in perspective. It helped us to see what is truly important. I smile for what is definitely the first time since Todd was in my room, sitting right where Ryan is sitting now.

He gives me a big smile and pats my leg
. "You're right, Ash Bug." He starts to get up.

"
Where are you going?"

"
I'm going to text Todd. Maybe you should, too." He gives me his famous Ryan smile. That smile could solve all of the world's problems. "Oh, and Shane and Sid are on their way over."

"
Wait. What? Why?" I feel panic wash over me. I don't want anyone to see me like this.

"
Because I called them." His eyes scan me again. "You need some help." He smirks and tosses one of the many dirty clothes strewn across the floor at me.

***

After a rapid cleanup of my room, I'm actually excited to see Sid and Shane when they barge through my door. Excitement is a feeling I haven't felt in a while; it seems strange and unfamiliar.

"
Ashley, get up," Sid says as she enters my room.

"
And get dressed." Shane gives me a look of disgust like he wouldn't be caught dead with me wearing old boxers and a tattered t-shirt. Before I can respond, he's going through my closet. "Here, wear this." He throws a dress at me.

One look at it makes me think of Todd.
"I can't." I shake my head.

"
Snap out of it, Ash. We're going to make new memories in it today," Sidney says, not tolerating the reason I want to avoid wearing it.

"
Put it on," Shane retorts, and they both cross their arms as they stare me down.

"
Now," Sid adds. It's clear neither of them want to hear my excuses. So I do exactly what they say, and before I know it, we are sitting in our favorite frozen yogurt shop.

This really is what I needed
. I didn't even realize how much I've missed them or our fro-yo catch ups. It's good to be back here.

With a mouth full of fro-
yo, Sidney lays down the rules. "Rule Number One: we are not talking about Todd. Rule Number Two: we are not talking about Todd. Rule Number Three: we are not talking about Todd."

"
Um, you just did." Shane smiles.

"
Good point. From this moment on, we are not talking about Todd," she says emphatically.

"
But first, you need to tell us what happened," Shane says, clearly breaking all of the rules.

Sid and I both throw M
&Ms from our yogurt toppings at him, and he ducks down.

"
What? Is that a no?" he says from under the table.

I laugh and it feels good.
"Sit up. I'll tell you, but then, I like Sid's rules."

"
Deal," they both say. I can see Sid is just as eager as Shane to hear the story.

"
Todd really didn't say anything before he left?" I ask Sid.

"
Nope. Nothing. I could tell he was upset, but he locked himself in his room. He said he was packing, and then he left really early the next morning."

My heart sinks at just the thought of him. I take a deep breath and tell myself this is the only time I
'm going to say this out loud.

"
Well, the short story is we broke up."

They both gasp simultaneously
, and I'm shocked by their shock. "What did you think happened?"

They both look at each other then back to me.
"We just thought you were still on a break," Shane answers.

"
I cannot believe he broke up with you over Casey. How many times do you have to tell him it was a mistake and you didn't kiss him back?" Sid says much louder than I think she realizes.

"
Shhhh," I say through a fake smile as I look around to see who else might be here. I love her for caring, but I wish she would lower her voice.

'
Sorry,
' she mouths to me.

"
It's not just that, Sid."

"
What do you mean?"

"
Yeah, what do you mean?" Shane leans in closer.

I look up
, contemplating if I should say any more. Then I think of our no secrets pact, and I feel like I need to tell them. I need to say the words out loud. It might help them feel more real.

"
Todd got the picture of me and Casey and got really pissed and kissed some girl at a party." I figured I should leave the drunken part out for his sake. I mean, Sid does have a big mouth, and I could see it slipping out in front of their parents.

They both gasp loudly again
. They are now leaning in so far across the table I'm actually trying not to laugh. I can tell they are hanging on my every word.

"
And Ryan's the one who found them kissing. Ryan pulled him off, and they got into a fight. That's why Todd said he wanted to take a break. Then, when he came home, he said he thought it was best if we weren't together."

"
Because of this girl?" Shane asks with a look of hate.

I shake my head as I take a bite of my fro-
yo. "He doesn't even remember her name."

"
Oh, that's nice." Sid is full of sarcasm.

"
This doesn't sound like Todd. What else did he say?" I can see Shane trying to piece everything together.

"
That's it. He thinks he's bad for me," I say with a sarcastic sneer. It's incredible how good it feels to say this out loud while getting validation from my best friends that I have a right to feel horrible because this whole thing is insane.

Sid and Shane look back at each other
, their faces washed with confusion. "So what did you say?"

"
I said, I think he's right." I shrug.

"
Why?" they ask in unison.

I look down at my frozen yogurt and start to play with the spoon
. "Because… I… Because I was really hurt. I
am
really hurt. I can't believe he kissed some girl he didn't even know, and I can't believe that he really thought I would kiss Casey." I take a deep breath and look back up at them. They are still leaning halfway across the table and listening raptly.

"
I'm sorry, Ash." I hate the look of sympathy they give me.

"
Don't do that."

"
What?"

"
Look at me like that. Okay, enough of this. Sid, let's start following your rules."

"
Good plan. But just know we're here for you if you need us. I can't believe it's been a week, and you didn't say anything. I can't believe Ryan had to call us." Sid looks at Shane for help, but he's too busy eating to notice, so she elbows him hard.

"
Geez, Sid," he says to her before smiling at me. "Right, what she said."

I can
't help laughing. "I love you guys."

"
Hey, does Casey know about you and Todd?" Shane asks, still engrossed in his fro-yo toppings.

"
Shane
!" Sid shouts.

"
What? He's not Todd. Is there a rule on Casey?"

We all start to laugh as that statement sinks in
. "Good question. That's what got me into this mess in the first place."

"
You are really bad at the rules thing, Shane." Sid throws her crumpled napkin at him.

"
That's true. I've never really been good with 'rules'." Shane smiles. "Just ask Johnny."

I almost choke on my bite of frozen yogurt at how open he just was
. "Wow, Shane, when did this happen?" I ask, gesturing to him with a smile at how casual he's being about Johnny.

"
They actually kissed in front of me the other day." Sid looks up to the sky as if she's replaying it in her head. "It was beautiful."

"
Shane, I'm impressed." This is the first piece of truly good news I've had all week. "Where was I?"

"
At the pool," Sid responds matter-of-factly.

"
Avoiding everyone's calls," Shane chimes in.

I roll my eyes and laugh
. "Yeah, I have been doing a lot of that lately. Shaney, I'm excited for you."

When h
e smiles, my heart actually beats with happiness for the first time in a long time. "Thanks, Ash. Yeah, Sid took it pretty well."

"
Of course I did. What did you think I would do? I'm just happy you're happy."

"
See," I say as I reach out and touch Shane's hand.

"
It was good practice, but I'm still not ready to tell anyone else yet. I think that's about as 'out' as I want to get anytime soon."

"
Baby steps." Sid wraps her arm around him.

"
How is Johnny?" I ask.

"
Great." Shane's smile gives away exactly how much he likes him. "It's been fun to have alone time this summer and not have to worry about who might see what at school."

"
That's great, Shane."

"
But he'll be starting summer football practices soon. Damn football ruins everything."

"
Isn't that the truth?" I say with a laugh. I can't believe I actually just laughed at everything that is happening. This is miracle fro-yo!